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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider bringing my DP with me?

349 replies

Tobringornottobring · 23/04/2018 14:24

Am meeting up with a small group of friends soon for afternoon tea and catch up.

The venue selected is about 25 miles from me; the major part of that journey is on one of the busiest motorways in the country.

I'm a relatively inexperienced driver. I use my car daily on my own but it's all town driving, with some dual carriageway. I have driven a couple of times briefly on the motorway but I've always had someone with me.

I've never driven to this place and I am apprehensive. I've offered to car share with another friend (they drive to me, then I drive) but they've said they've got some errands to run so are going early. The others going are travelling from other directions, so are further from me than the venue.

My DP doesn't have any plans and would happily accompany me in the car, or indeed drive me if I preferred (but I'd like to try the drive for my own confidence) DP gets on well with my friends but I don't want to be the person who always brings her partner along....

That said I'm really apprehensive about doing the drive on my own if I don't. Wwyd?

OP posts:
SendintheArdwolves · 23/04/2018 16:16

Blimey. You won't go without him, he can't entertain himself for a few hours without you....

It sounds like you are really very invested in him coming along to this meet-up with you. The only thing I can think of that makes any sense is that, on some level, you don't want to see your friends without him.

Is there some topic of conversation that you are trying to avoid, OP?

crimsonlake · 23/04/2018 16:19

Sometimes you have to do things which are out of your comfort zone. God forbid if your partner was no longer around you would not have any option.

EttieKett · 23/04/2018 16:23

OP, I do sympathise with the fear. I used to do everything possible to avoid big scary motorways when I first passed my test (going back, um, 30 years here Confused). I really do understand.

However... at some point, you have to bite the proverbial bullet. I had to because I was 18 and didn't have a boyfriend/partner to do it for me. I'd have loved to have had my Dad in the car with me, but I was at university and I am not sure he would have been willing to drop work to accompany me to places. So I just had to feel the fear and do it anyway. What would you do if, Heaven forbid, anything happened to your DP? You can't rely on him being able to sit there at the side of you every time you have to drive on a road that worries you. Who knows: he might be very proud of you if you manage to do this without him having to hold your hand. You are essentially making excuses (understandable, as you are afraid of this kind of driving), and I imagine you hoped everyone would say it would be ok for you to take your DP to your girls' meet-up (which it decidedly isn't). Given that it's pretty unanimous, though, you need to try to get over this. Surely you want to see your friends, and you want them to include you in future meet-ups?

Ebony69 · 23/04/2018 16:24

Alternatively, could you contact the friend who lives nearby and explain your situation, maybe you could accompany her on her errands?

Tbh, that sounds pretty desperate and the fact that this friend is not able to give the OP a lift back either suggests that she is reluctant to for some reason.

carefreeeee · 23/04/2018 16:25

There must be quieter roads. Imagine you were on a bicycle - which way would you go?

It doesn't matter if it takes a bit longer - roads will be quieter on a sunday so there shouldn't be big queues. Even if you drive the whole way at 30 mph it will only take an hour or so.

Motorways can be scary - but you sound a bit confused about driving speeds. You won't see drivers going at the same speed at you because they won't catch you up (and you won't catch them up) - that doesn't mean that no-one drives at the correct speed.

Also lots of vehicles are limited to 60 mph, or choose to drive at 70 - I am one. It has never been a problem. Sometimes you have to drop your speed a little to allow for people entering your lane, but you shouldn't have to brake - just ease off. Leave big gaps and check your mirrors frequently so you know what's going on around you.

Dancingmonkey87 · 23/04/2018 16:26

I was a nervous driver I passed in July went to York to met up with my friend, I bite the bullet and went you need to get a grip. Nothing worse than someone bringing their dp.

FASH84 · 23/04/2018 16:29

If you are this nervous about driving on a road (because that's all it is) you need more lessons (pass plus) or to stop driving. You're a grown woman, put your favourite cd on in the car, give yourself plenty of time and go. Or don't, maybe when this has an impact on your social life you'll pull your socks up and do it. Don't take DP why should he waste his Sunday milling around? Definitely don't take him to tea, and if you really won't, take the two hour public transport option, sometimes consequences can help us learn.

Wisdens · 23/04/2018 16:34

Just remember, if you leave your husband in the car, make sure take him for a walk first, that the car window is down a little and he has some water. Maybe bring him back a little treat.

Husbands die in hot cars and you may get reported to the RSPCH.

Original poster
Tobringornottobring · 23/04/2018 16:34

I wasn't expecting or planning to take him. I presumed I'd go with friend to save us both doing a 50 mile round trip. She is making her own way so I have to do so.

I drive 7 days a week on my own. I can drive on my own. I prefer to drive on a shitty motorway with someone with me. So that if someone almost drives into me like last time I am not on my own.

I think it's sad that so many posters are belittling me given the biggest cause of accidents in new drivers is overconfidence.

OP posts:
bearbehind · 23/04/2018 16:37

OP you are making a huge mountain out of a molehill here.

If you are not confident on motorways you need motorway lessons. No one is belittling you but underconfidence is as bad, if not worse than overconfidence.

There are lots of alternatives, albeit less convenient, to go to this meet up without your DP.

It does sound very much like you want him to go with you.

GabsAlot · 23/04/2018 16:38

please get some motorway lessons op

no offence but the black box isnt doing you any favours yorue stressing over it which can only impair your driving not improve it

i know someone who will just refuse to drive on a motorway even though theyve never been on one!

Trinity66 · 23/04/2018 16:39

I wasn't expecting or planning to take him. I presumed I'd go with friend to save us both doing a 50 mile round trip. She is making her own way so I have to do so

I still don't understand why you're saying it takes 45minutes eachway, you'd drive 25 miles in 20-25mins

Original poster
Tobringornottobring · 23/04/2018 16:41

I've been pretty clear that I didn't intend to take him.

However I wasn't expecting to drive alone. I would not feel comfortable driving alone. Friend is making her own way. Other friends are in the wrong direction. The only person who could accompany me in the car is DP.

However if he doesn't want to hang around for a couple of hours then as I've said I'll decline or see if we can go somewhere else.

OP posts:
stayathomer · 23/04/2018 16:42

Same as all above, don't bring him to the catch up but he could drive you and then find something to do for a few hours

FASH84 · 23/04/2018 16:42

@trinity66 not the way she drives 😂 , would probably be quicker to cycle

Original poster
Tobringornottobring · 23/04/2018 16:43

The route planner states 45 mins each way at the time and day I'll be travelling. The route length is 25 miles. Obviously there are some local 20 and 30mph roads as well as the motorway involved in the door to door journey.

OP posts:
FfionFlorist · 23/04/2018 16:45

Sorry op but I think you wanted us all to agree that bringing your dp was the best approach. Get on with it, stop building this up to be more than it really needs to be, drive and enjoy your outing.

EttieKett · 23/04/2018 16:47

@Tobringornottobring, how exactly have I "belittled" you? I thought I'd been pretty constructive and sympathetic, as have loads of other posters on this thread. Unless you think that telling you not to take your DP counts as "belittling" you in some way.

I'm now not sure what you were hoping to get out of this post, other than for everyone to say it's fine for you to take your DP to meet your friends. Which it patently isn't.

Original poster
Tobringornottobring · 23/04/2018 16:49

Thanks but I won't be driving on my own.

I have been quite clear about what I'm doing and I won't be driving on my own. Nor will I be going by public transport.

OP posts:
Excited101 · 23/04/2018 16:49

If you are absolutely refusing to drive alone, get dp to sit in the back reading or something, rather than up front and chatting with you. That’ll be more like a middle ground to driving alone.

Madwithjealousy · 23/04/2018 16:49

I totally sympathise with you OP and understand why you would want company on the motorway.

If I have my phone I can kill several hours waiting in the car - maybe introduce your DH to Mumsnet !

FleurDelacoeur · 23/04/2018 16:50

Just bloody drive yourself and stop being such a wuss.

If you're really SO anxious that you can't bear the thought of a motorway for a short distance then you shouldn't be on the road at all.

CharlieAustinsMagicHat · 23/04/2018 16:51

Can he not drop you off and you get a taxi home?

Charmatt · 23/04/2018 16:52

The first time I drove on a motorway was to go to an interview. I got the job, which meant I was expected to drive to lots of different places on lots of types of roads, including the M25 at rush hour, having left the house at 5.30 pm to get to London. It made me a confident driver - I love driving now and enjoy new driving experiences. I would view it as an opportunity not a problem. Of course you'll be nervous, but imagine the feeling of achievement when you've done it. I learnt to drive and it gave me independence - don't let it be something that makes you dependent instead.

ThereIsIron · 23/04/2018 16:52

TBH you sound like you need some motorway lessons ... do that please ... nervous drivers are dangerous