how do i handle this family feud?

[shanefolan29]

I am in my late 20s, my parents always raised us to get along and we have quite a strong family unit with very supportive parents. However after an incident with my sister[which I cannot explain here as it is much too personal and much too complicated but believe me it is very bad] I have decided my sister is dead to me as her actions were unforgivable. I never confronted her over what she did as it is too awkward a situation but just gave her silent treatment for months with one word answers until I eventually confessed all to my parents who had sussed something was up at Halloween when I was home visiting. [I am from Glasgow but live in Cornwall] who were both horrified and in denial about what i told them.

They tried to say i had interpreted it all wrong[despite hard evidence I was right] when i have a feeling my mum knew i was telling the truth and knew it already but my dad certainly did not. In reality they just did not want to hear what i was saying as it was way too damaging to deal with and it is rather unfixable really. I told them my sister was dead to me as were her kids because I did not want any more association with her and I did not want any more interaction with them before l left. Due to this fight I am very unwilling to be around the family home anymore as my sister also poisoned other family members against me and my sister and her kids are always visiting as they live nearby. One night my mum even rang me and my sister was in the background and she tried to include my sister in the convo and I sent her a strongly worded text after telling her never to do that again. Now, my mum rang me yesterday and said my brother is getting married in august and she wants me home for it.

I really don't want to go back. I know my parents would have told my sister what i said and try a mediation and really i can't face her or i don't want to have to chat to her if she tries to make excuses [lies] for what she did as it is too much of a horrible thing to talk about and frankly i don't want to even hear what she has to say as I despise her and think she is poison. I am just thinking of ringing sick to the wedding, what should i do? And please do not say maybe i have misunderstood the situation as I know for certain my sister did what she did and there was no misunderstanding.

Why don't you ensure the truth is out there if they have only heard one side of an inaccurate story?

I'm in a similar position with my brother. I do keep in contact with his children however, it was nothing to do with them.
Any time there's a family party I just keep right away from him. I don't see why I shouldn't go because of him. If he tries to talk to me I just answer as civilly as I can and walk away, I wouldn't want to cause a scene.
As it is he rarely attends family gatherings and when he does he just drinks himself stupid.
Good luck with whatever you decide

Be the better person, attend the wedding and remain dignified throughout. This shows that you can put the feelings of your sibling above your own just for one day.

Don't write yourself out of family events and history and memories for your brother and yourself and your own family.

As she behaved so badly, she should be cowering at the idea of seeing you

If you don't go, it'll be something else to add to the list of things your sister has had a hand in and cause even more resentment.

I would go and visit your brother on your own at a time when you know your sister won't be there.

I would explain to him factually what your sister has done; and that as a result of that you want no contact with her going forward.

Tell him you are happy to come to his wedding, ask him to seat you seperately, but explain that you won't speak to her if you do come.

At the same time explain that you will understand if he doesn't want to the potential drama and if that is the case he can ask you to stay away with no hard feelings.

Either way you wish him well and aren't going to cause any drama to upset his big day.

If he says he wants you to come ask him to have a word with your parents to say that he wants no meddling at the wedding and that they are not to use his wedding to stage a reconcilliation. And then book yourself a hotel at the wedding away from your family so that you are only going to the wedding/reception and not seeing them at breakfast etc.

Any help?

Now I'm struggling to imagine what non-criminal, purely moral matter could be "much worse" than sleeping with your sister's husband.

Whatever she did and we can't judge because you won't tell us it is entirely up to you to decide how much you interact with your family.

It's shame you can't sum it up purely because when in the thick of an issue thats painful we don't always see clearly. I'm not saying this because I think you should be in touch with your sister or write the exact details on here by the way.

What would be helpful would be to discuss the actual behaviour and lies with someone totally neutral.

Interesting that the people you have told about the incident seem to think you are unreasonable

That doesn't surprise me! I have 2 siblings who have endangered my life deliberately (to the point of putting me in ICU) more than once, I refuse to have them in my house (or near my dc without a trusted adult present) and my mother thinks I'm I'm being hysterical/unreasonable/overreacting.

OP, you need to do what is right for you. Perhaps starting with being very honest with your mother "Mum, I really want to be at db's wedding but how on earth do I deal with my sister being there? "The thought of being in the same room makes me feel sick and the thought of her trying to talk to me or make excuses makes my skin crawl!" Then see what your mum (or dad) suggests.

Tbh, I'm not sure what you can get out of this thread. You could be 100% right you could be over-reacting. We can't know and it's impossible to advise you. It's why the advice you are getting is all over the place with people supporting you and others calling you overly-dramatic. Your posts do come across as incredibly dramatic which might be completely justified but it mightn't be. The information you have given isn't enough for this thread to do you any good.

"no my brother does not know"

Oh sorry, then I guess all you can do is
a) Say is you have fallen out with your sister and can't be around her and ask him to trust you it is not a trivial matter.
b) Or you may just need to fake an illness as you said. It's not really a major thing for him to cater for one extra person who ends up not coming (although people here will tell you it is!).
c) It may just be the easiest thing. Or go for the service and fake an illness.

I think that would C be my choice.

Totally agree with @auditqueen "Family is who you choose to have in your life and who enhances your life. Not just people with whom you share a few genes."

It is not drama to say you will not be near someone, it is a human choice.

OP I hope you find lovely people where you are, people you can put your time and energy into and they will give you time and energy back. It sounds like you come from a large family and yet you are now alone and I hope you will recreate a family for yourself. Of people you like.

I'm guessing it's something pretty subjective if other family members know and are fine with her. I think if it was something truly black and white terrible OP would say what it was on the thread.

The more you post, the more it sounds like you are the problem. You're quite happy to eavesdrop on private conversations to prove to yourself that everyone else is in the wrong, you say that what your sister did was worse than abusing your children or stealing from you but it's not a police matter.

Is this, by any chance, something to do with religion/superstition? Some people do get very het up about this kind of thing, and it's not unheard of for someone to cut contact with a family member because of a disagreement over superstition-inspired dietary habits or sexual practices, or even just because one person follows rituals and the other doesn't give a toss about them. (I appreciate I may be completely on the wrong track with this but your use of the word 'sinister' put it into my mind.)

I think you need to tell your brother what happened so that he can understand why you can’t go to the wedding and doesn’t give you a hard time about it. If you stay silent you will be ostracised and your sister wins.

You've given a fair amount of detail about where you and your family come from and live...I don't think the detail of what your sister did would make it more identifying, especially if it was something that those outside of family wouldn't know about. Cutting off contact with your nieces/nephews is very very serious business - you'll affect the relationship with their cousins, if you have kids. Until we know what she did, we really can't advise because we honestly don't know how justified you are in feeling this angry about it.

I agree with a PP though...you'll just have to decide what means more to you. Being at your brother's wedding or not ever even seeing your sister, even if you don't talk.

I guess another way to look at it is: do you love your brother more than you hate your sister? Or do you hate your sister more than you love your brother (and other affected family members)?

Is this, by any chance, something to do with religion/superstition? Some people do get very het up about this kind of thing, and it's not unheard of for someone to cut contact with a family member because of a disagreement over superstition-inspired dietary habits

After the last couple of posts I was thinking it might be dietary related. great minds

Like PP, not sure what OP wants from this thread. It's utterly impossible to advise without at least an overview of what the estrangement is about.

I think seeing a counsellor would be the best move going forward.

Based on this thread I'd say you handle it by growing up and stopping being an attention seeking dramallama.

This thread is the MN version of those cryptic Facebook posts designed to get loads of 'what's up hun' comments.

Also to add...at the moment it's only a feud between you and your sister. Involving her kids in it, and the resulting years of estrangement and hostility, could make it into an actual feud. Where do you see it ending?

You may well be completely justified in doing this, but without knowing why you're doing it, it's impossible to say.

But as someone already said, you seem to have decided what you're going to do, so I'm not sure what you're asking.

@Tringley "Tbh, I'm not sure what you can get out of this thread. You could be 100% right you could be over-reacting. We can't know and it's impossible to advise you."

That is not true at all. A lot of people have advised the op.

Also several people have told the OP they have been in similar circumstances and others did not believe them, e.g. above your post

@Andro said (I am so sorry for you Andro) replying to "Interesting that the people you have told about the incident seem to think you are unreasonable -

That doesn't surprise me! I have 2 siblings who have endangered my life deliberately (to the point of putting me in ICU) more than once, I refuse to have them in my house (or near my dc without a trusted adult present) and my mother thinks I'm I'm being hysterical/unreasonable/overreacting."

So what that tells the OP is that even if she did spill the beans (against her better judgment) and tell us all whatever happened some would still say she needs to move on, put it behind her, what about the funerals of the future etc etc.....

"It's why the advice you are getting is all over the place with people supporting you and others calling you overly-dramatic."

No that would be because some people feel family ties should be preserved no matter what!

"Your posts do come across as incredibly dramatic which might be completely justified but it mightn't be. The information you have given isn't enough for this thread to do you any good."

Let's assume as Mumsnet suggests that OP is telling the truth. And this is a really serious thing.

The OP is not asking if to decide if it is a really serious thing or not, she is asking for advice and support about the wedding. And she is getting it regardless of whether we know all the ins and outs of whatever happened.

Actual 'family' feud, blargh.

''Has your sister admitted what she's done to your parents, OP? Or does she deny it?''

if you read my op you would see that my parents were horrified by what i told them and in shock, i don't know if they confronted my sister over it and i left the day after i told them and not been back in Scotland since. They would not follow this incident up over the phone as i am 100s of miles away and would wait for me to return to address it which is why i don't want to go back.

As for people who say my parents think it is trivial if they have not addressed it then you are missing the point. I dropped a massive bombshell on them and left the next day on a train, they are not playing it down as it is not important, they were in denial as they don't know how to deal with it and are aware of how damaging it is.

No that would be because some people feel family ties should be preserved no matter what!

Yes, I’ve always found that concept ridiculous. If someone does something so horrific to me that it causes me distress and pain in daily life, I’m not going to suck it up because we’re related!

A lot of people on here are very lucky, that they cannot comprehend being wendied in your own family by a master manipulator. I don’t know for sure with OP, none of us do, but I read a lot of deep sorrow and pain in her posts, and a lot of turmoil too.

Manipulators are adept at (funnily enough) manipulating people to their way of thinking. How do you think DV starts? Or stalking? Or child abuse? Because people are “clever” enough to cover up the awful things they do and get people on side.

Again, I don’t know the OPs situation, by but I don’t read her as a drama llama (how rude!), I read her pain and distress because I can identify with it.

Because my brother to the world outside looks like the respectable, decent, grieving son. And he is none of that. He is poison.

OP you really are not helping yourself here. If you think it is OK to post about all the different places your family have lived, which is quite outing, why can'y you say what your DSIS did?

To say it is not criminal but worse than defrauding you of your life savings or sleeping with your husband is quite bizarre and makes it sounds as if she did something that most of us might find quite trivial.

Back to the AIBU question. What has it got to do with your mother? Surely the invitation will be issued from the MOB, or from your DB and future SIL? You respond to them, not to or via your mother. If you don't want to go then explain that to MOB or DB and that's the end of it. Really no need for all this drama.

if you read my op you would see that my parents were horrified by what i told them and in shock, i don't know if they confronted my sister over it and i left the day after i told them and not been back in Scotland since.

I did read your post, but I wasn't asking whether you had told your parents, but whether your sister agreed with/accepted your version of events or denied it to your parents.

It seems as if you're saying you don't know so question answered.

I wonder if OP was a victim of a crime and the sister accused her of lying about it? That would be very very serious. But OP said it wasn't a police or criminal matter, but a deep moral betrayal.

If it isn't a crime and wasn't sleeping with your husband but a moral issue, is it any of your business what she did?

I do think whatever the rights and wrongs of all of this, the OP needs to find a counsellor to speak to.

It's a huge thing that's happened and must be very difficult to deal with on her own. She needs someone she can trust to help her come to terms with the effective break up of her family.