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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

how do i handle this family feud?

342 replies

shanefolan29 · 22/04/2018 10:55

I am in my late 20s, my parents always raised us to get along and we have quite a strong family unit with very supportive parents. However after an incident with my sister[which I cannot explain here as it is much too personal and much too complicated but believe me it is very bad] I have decided my sister is dead to me as her actions were unforgivable. I never confronted her over what she did as it is too awkward a situation but just gave her silent treatment for months with one word answers until I eventually confessed all to my parents who had sussed something was up at Halloween when I was home visiting. [I am from Glasgow but live in Cornwall] who were both horrified and in denial about what i told them.

They tried to say i had interpreted it all wrong[despite hard evidence I was right] when i have a feeling my mum knew i was telling the truth and knew it already but my dad certainly did not. In reality they just did not want to hear what i was saying as it was way too damaging to deal with and it is rather unfixable really. I told them my sister was dead to me as were her kids because I did not want any more association with her and I did not want any more interaction with them before l left. Due to this fight I am very unwilling to be around the family home anymore as my sister also poisoned other family members against me and my sister and her kids are always visiting as they live nearby. One night my mum even rang me and my sister was in the background and she tried to include my sister in the convo and I sent her a strongly worded text after telling her never to do that again. Now, my mum rang me yesterday and said my brother is getting married in august and she wants me home for it.

I really don't want to go back. I know my parents would have told my sister what i said and try a mediation and really i can't face her or i don't want to have to chat to her if she tries to make excuses [lies] for what she did as it is too much of a horrible thing to talk about and frankly i don't want to even hear what she has to say as I despise her and think she is poison. I am just thinking of ringing sick to the wedding, what should i do? And please do not say maybe i have misunderstood the situation as I know for certain my sister did what she did and there was no misunderstanding.

OP posts:
YetAnotherSpartacus · 22/04/2018 12:53

As for people who say my parents think it is trivial if they have not addressed it then you are missing the point. I dropped a massive bombshell on them and left the next day on a train, they are not playing it down as it is not important, they were in denial as they don't know how to deal with it and are aware of how damaging it is

What is their track record for equal (or not) treatment of siblings OP?

WhereIsBlueRabbit · 22/04/2018 12:53

I think YANBU to feel as you do but that if you would have attended your DB's wedding otherwise, you should do so and just avoid any drama or speaking to your DSis.

We had two adult siblings at a recent family funeral who were NC and hadn't spoken in years. We only knew because one of them told us. We would never have guessed - they behaved beautifully, no drama, and the focus was on the deceased and bereaved rather than on their rift. I actually have a lot of respect for them after that without having a clue about the ins and outs of the feud.

Nanny0gg · 22/04/2018 12:53

If it isn't a crime and wasn't sleeping with your husband but a moral issue, is it any of your business what she did?

Well yes, if it involved the OP!

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 22/04/2018 12:54

“Family feud”
“Dead to me”
It’s like a cross between Eastenders/Jezza Kyle and vaguebooking

ReanimatedSGB · 22/04/2018 12:54

You're sounding more and more... unwell or at least highly unreasonable with every post. I think you might benefit from talking to a professional counsellor/therapist about whatever this issue is.

Your parents were 'horrified/in shock/in denial' sounds like your very subjective interpretation of them thinking that you were having a bit of a tanty and they'd better humour you at least until you flounce off home.

ButchyRestingFace · 22/04/2018 12:55

If it isn't a crime and wasn't sleeping with your husband but a moral issue, is it any of your business what she did?

Potentially yes, if for example, someone was a committed vegan of 20 years standing and their sister knowingly fed them the fatted calf unawares.

Not suggesting this is what happened, just an example...

snewname · 22/04/2018 12:56

How can any of your family members make sense of, and address this issue when its a case of "he says" "She says" and nobody actually knows the truth or will tackle the lies? It's a mess. Its a family feud but nobody knows what is going on.

You need to finish the conversation with your parents then decide how to tackle the other siblings. I think you need counselling to help tackle this. It must all seem a web of mystery and drama to everyone if you won't, or are too scared to, get to the bottom of it. No wonder people are taking sides based on a load of half truths. It's a big jumbled mess.

stitchglitched · 22/04/2018 12:56

I missed that it directly involved the OP. A moral betrayal might be something like having an abortion when OP is strictly pro life. If it directly affected the OP then clearly it is her business, which is why I was asking if it was.

Bettiedraper · 22/04/2018 12:56

I never confronted her over what she did as it is too awkward a situation but just gave her silent treatment for months with one word answers

You sound very immature and a bit of a drama queen, to be honest.

ReanimatedSGB · 22/04/2018 12:56

I have also encountered a few people who initially told tales of their 'toxic' families. I would be sympathetic to these people but, after knowing them for a while, I would find myself thinking that maybe the family members had a point, because these people were utterly self-obsessed, permanent victims and incapable of seeing anyone else's point of view.

MiggledyHiggins · 22/04/2018 12:56

You already know how you want to handle it. Problem is, the other family members aren't falling in with your preference.

You want people to find out [thing] and be so disgusted on your behalf they also cut her out of the family. You want your brother to exclude her from the wedding. You are pissed off that some of them seem to believe her version of events.

The fact is, no matter what it is that she did, to cut yourself off from innocent kids who had no part in her actions is nasty and spiteful. To make a her-or-me ultimatum to a brother who's planning his wedding and who knows nothing of your feud is unpleasant and childish. And that is what people will see in relation to you, despite what she did.

A lot of us here have fallen out badly with family yet can be in the same room as them out of respect for another mutual family member. That's what grown up's do.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 22/04/2018 12:57

On another thread of yours you say that some friends didn't pay their restaurant bill and you went back in secret and paid it, but as you like them you won't let it taint your friendship and it's not worth adopting the moral high ground. So I am really struggling to understand what she has done that is not criminal or illegal that you can't forgive enough to be at a social function which she is also attending. I wonder if your moral compass is set much higher than hers and that is the problem.

ReanimatedSGB · 22/04/2018 12:58

Oh, and if it is the fact that your sister had an abortion and you grassed her up to your parents, then you are an absolute cunt.

SeaEagleFeather · 22/04/2018 12:59

I think nannyogg is right, you need to speak to someone detached from the situation to begin to come to terms with whatever it is.

In your shoes I do think you need to speak to your brother and I also think that ideally you should speak to his fiancee apologising for not going, and sending a really nice present. If appropriate, I would tell brother why you absolutely don't want to see her, but not the fiancée.

MorningsEleven · 22/04/2018 13:00

@ReanimatedSGB

Come on now, get off that fence and tell us what you think.

If it's over an abortion the OP wants her head read.

Smeddum · 22/04/2018 13:01

Oh, and if it is the fact that your sister had an abortion and you grassed her up to your parents, then you are an absolute cunt

Whaaaaaat? OP has given no details, yet you’re jumping on something and calling her a cunt just in case she did it? And you’re calling HER a drama llama? Oh god that’s funny.

SmurfOrTerff · 22/04/2018 13:02

Smeddum I totally agree with you. I have a relative who caused me great distress. It nearly cost me my marriage.
I have zero contact with them now.
I'm sure if I went into all the details people would say I was being stupid.
But the pain and the anger this person caused me actually changed me.

Good luck OP whatever you decide.
I also agree that its bollocks that it will ruin your brothers day if you don't go.

GiddyGardner · 22/04/2018 13:02

Explain situation to your brother before the big day and tell him you will be there for the ceremony. Show up for the ceremony, i would have been distraught if my sibs hadn't have shown up for my ceremony. Arrive bang on time, so you can say hello to your brother and wish him luck, everyone else will be so engaged in the wedding and there will be little time for confrontation or small talk. Maybe stay for the first drink, hold a dignified presence, taking the moral high ground and then leave (your brother will know your intentions and why). Maybe meet up with some of your old friends in the area for a meal and drinks in the evening.

Smeddum · 22/04/2018 13:02

@SmurfOrTerff I’m sorry that happened to you. It does change you doesn’t it? I’m glad things are better now though.

Original poster
shanefolan29 · 22/04/2018 13:03

''To say it is not criminal but worse than defrauding you of your life savings or sleeping with your husband is quite bizarre and makes it sounds as if she did something that most of us might find quite trivial.''

she spread very sinister lies about me and made false accusations about me behind my back, that's all you need to know.

OP posts:
SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 22/04/2018 13:04

their kids come as part of the package unfortunately and it would not be appropriate for me to still be nice to them

This wasn't nice to read.

Sorry OP, but from some of your phrases and comments, I also wonder, as PP said, whether its isn't quite as cut and dried as you say.

I'm not sure that you can get anything meaningful from this thread though, without actually saying what The Thing actually is.

You're only NBU if it WAS so terrible, or you might be BU if (as there usually is) at least two sides to a story, or at least some other mitigating factor. We just don't know though, so we?

You've said no crime was committed, no sleeping with DP or similar, nothing to do with kids, so it's hard to work out what The Thing was. I'm not sure why you don't just say what it is and get some useful advice? Confused

Is it because you think that some posters will actually think it's not that bad? That you WILL get views that disagree with yours?

happypoobum · 22/04/2018 13:07

The examples people are giving like feeding a vegetarian meat, or having a termination when OP is pro life surely cannot be seen to be worse than sleeping with OPs husband?????!!!!

FizzyGreenWater · 22/04/2018 13:09

Honestly I have to say that you aren't going to get very meaningful advice on this thread because you can't give details - and from what you've said, it must be something extremely peculiar that's gone on. It's going to be relevant, I think. You say it's something actually worse than sleeping with your husband or taking your savings, but not something that would mean going to the police? Sorry but my automatic reaction to that is that you're overreacting - I cannot think of something that's not in either category above (stealing from you, or involving infidelity) that is actually worse than either, but not illegal. To be honest you've already given a lot of identifying info on your location and family spread so why the complete secrecy? It all auggests that yes, she's done something awful but it's quite possible that your family are genuinely reacting proportionally in thinking it can be fixed or should be 'got over'. So - it would help if you could give at least some detail. I think you won't though - you seem to like the secrecy drama bit.

So, bearing that in mind. Taking you at face value - if your sister has done something absolutely jaw-droppingly unforgivable and your family know this has happened and their reaction would be probably to take her side in the end anyway - then that is your answer. You should walk away from the lot of them - the wider family that is. What are you ever going to get out of a situation like that?! - they will pick her over you even if she's a proven shit - walk away.

Your parents and brother - harder, but I'd simply try and have a sit-down chat and point out that yes, it's hard for them but just as you don't expect them to cut your sister out, you also don't expect them to put pressure on you to be the one smoothing things over eg for the wedding, for THEIR sake. They know your sister is the one at fault - why are they not askign HER to stay away from the wedding? Why has she done wrong but you get punished?

Original poster
shanefolan29 · 22/04/2018 13:11

''You want your brother to exclude her from the wedding.''

where did i say that? i said from the onset i did not want this to effect other siblings.

OP posts:
ButchyRestingFace · 22/04/2018 13:11

The examples people are giving like feeding a vegetarian meat, or having a termination when OP is pro life surely cannot be seen to be worse than sleeping with OPs husband?????!!!!

Depends on your point of view, but if you perceive abortion or eating meat to be murder - and some do - then I can obviously see how committing murder would be objectively worse than your sister sleeping with your husband.

Don't agree with it, but I can see how having such a worldview could lead to that conclusion.

OP has of course since clarified that neither of those scenarios apply.