how do i handle this family feud?

[shanefolan29]

I am in my late 20s, my parents always raised us to get along and we have quite a strong family unit with very supportive parents. However after an incident with my sister[which I cannot explain here as it is much too personal and much too complicated but believe me it is very bad] I have decided my sister is dead to me as her actions were unforgivable. I never confronted her over what she did as it is too awkward a situation but just gave her silent treatment for months with one word answers until I eventually confessed all to my parents who had sussed something was up at Halloween when I was home visiting. [I am from Glasgow but live in Cornwall] who were both horrified and in denial about what i told them.

They tried to say i had interpreted it all wrong[despite hard evidence I was right] when i have a feeling my mum knew i was telling the truth and knew it already but my dad certainly did not. In reality they just did not want to hear what i was saying as it was way too damaging to deal with and it is rather unfixable really. I told them my sister was dead to me as were her kids because I did not want any more association with her and I did not want any more interaction with them before l left. Due to this fight I am very unwilling to be around the family home anymore as my sister also poisoned other family members against me and my sister and her kids are always visiting as they live nearby. One night my mum even rang me and my sister was in the background and she tried to include my sister in the convo and I sent her a strongly worded text after telling her never to do that again. Now, my mum rang me yesterday and said my brother is getting married in august and she wants me home for it.

I really don't want to go back. I know my parents would have told my sister what i said and try a mediation and really i can't face her or i don't want to have to chat to her if she tries to make excuses [lies] for what she did as it is too much of a horrible thing to talk about and frankly i don't want to even hear what she has to say as I despise her and think she is poison. I am just thinking of ringing sick to the wedding, what should i do? And please do not say maybe i have misunderstood the situation as I know for certain my sister did what she did and there was no misunderstanding.

We have a similar situation in our family and I get annoyed when one sister wont go to things due to the feud with the other. I feel we are ALL being punished for something that is just between them.

It sounds like you have decided what to do, OP, so I don't really know why you are asking

It does seem pretty awful that basically you are forcing the family to take sides against your sister to have any chance of integrating you into family life again, however, you have to live as you see fit and if what your sister did is so terrible it's worth cutting out pretty much everyone, then it is.

I would contact your brother and parents separately and try and have some relationship with them outside this. It's a shame about your nieces/nephews as they did not do the bad thing, but also you probably can't see them outside your sister anyway so it's a natural consequence.

I think you will have to accept over time that your parents love all you children, even if they don't like them or condone what they did, they are probably not wrong to try to mediate, but now it's clear that's inappropriate, keeping separate relationships in which you don't overlap will be the way forward. Practically, you will lose out as your sister lives closer to them and has children and they will not cut off from her or their grandparents on your say so.

Not to be nice to your siblings children because you have fallen out with their mum? Read that again. What have the kids done wrong? Sins of the father etc. Poor bloody kids.

If you don’t go you are punishing your brother for your feud with your sister. I would go to the wedding, politely acknowledge her if appropriate but don’t need to get into detailed conversations.

Whether you are acting reasonably it is very hard to say given you don’t want to discuss what happened.

I'm guessing the sister banged OP's partner.

Has your brother even sent out the invitations yet? I'd wait until one actually arrives, have a chat with him then and decide what to do.

''The fued is between you and your sister but you seem intent on dragging the rest of the family into it and that makes you very unreasonable.''

actually my sister spread lies about me and 2 other siblings believed her so yes they took sides akthough i do not want to estrange them. Again i am not calling it a whole family feud, i just cannot be near her anymore and imho it would be unfitting to try to maintain relationship with her kids in this situation.

What do you want to achieve, OP? Do you want your entire family to anathematise and cut off your sister and her partner and kids? To take your side unreservedly and go NC with them all? Or what?

I think you need to grow up a wee bit OP. You don't have to be all dramatic about it, just quietly moving on.
Let her and your mum and dad know that you will not be using the wedding as a way to talk/not talk to her. You just get on with the day, smiling and enjoying everything for your brothers sake. You neither seek her out or avoid her. If she tries to talk to you be non commital, lots of 'mmm, yes' and then move on.
As for not talking to her kids, whatever she did, you are in my opinion wrong here. Hardly their fault. How
could you hurt them this way? My kids would be devastated if their aunty suddenly stopped talking to them!
I fell out with my brother, he was being a total knob. I still went to family occasions, but just avoided him. I never rang him. I never sought him out. Over time we moved on and rebuilt.
My mum is one of twelve, believe me half don't get on, but you'd never know. They are adults, and quite capable of going to a wedding and being polite or avoiding each other. It doesn't have to be a drama. Sorry if that sounds harsh, she has obviously upset you, but don't let it consume you. It'll just become a complete PITA for the whole family.

As a teenager growing up with parents who had fallen out with others, I stopped talking to those family members. My loyalties lie with my parents, and if they didn’t want to talk to my parents and didn’t respect them, then why would I give them the time of day, so I think the OP is right to some extent that it’s inappropriate.

Yes, and agree, stop trying to get family to 'take sides'. Just leave it. You have the issue, she has been a cow. They aren't going to drop her, you won't win that one.

Not to be nice to your siblings children because you have fallen out with their mum? Read that again. What have the kids done wrong? Sins of the father etc. Poor bloody kids.

How do you be nice to the kids when the parents control access to them?

Do you think OP's sister would let her have a relationship with her children? I think that's a bit naive.

Sure, she may let OP send gifts/money but that doesn't make a relationship.

We have no idea what OP has gone through at the hands of her sister, it's unfair to berate her for not having a relationship with her sister's kids.

We have no idea what OP has gone through at the hands of her sister, it's unfair to berate her for not having a relationship with her sister's kids

I agree.

when you have a huge fallout with your sibling, their kids come as part of the package unfortunately and it would not be appropriate for me to still be nice to them

Why?

I'm going to PM you, OP.

If it's anything like what my sister did to me, then believe me I really feel for you. The family fallout in my case was similar -- the truth being way too awful for anyone to deal with, they took her side and this was like an effective ostracisation for me. To compound matters, my family also told me I would not be welcome back home until I took back my accusations and apologised for calling my sister some choice and well-deserved names. So the ostracisation was felt doubly.

I wish I could advise. This was thirty years ago for me, and I still cannot talk about it with anyone in my family. It took seven years for me to come back to the family and another three or four to be able to look at let alone speak to my sister.

Hugely damaging, and many years and therapy sessions later, it still wounds me to think about what she did and how the family handled it.

As far as I can work out, there is no remedy but time (and lots of it). You won't be easily able to get anyone on your side as either you are being poisonous or silly and have misunderstood what happened.

I'm very sorry and send you

''Practically, you will lose out as your sister lives closer to them and has children and they will not cut off from her or their grandparents on your say so.''

i never asked my parents to cut contact from them nor am i looking for sides, i just don't want to be near her in any way. I am not trying to drag others into it, it just is a natural consequence that it happens if i go to family events and she is there, i do not want to be there and it causes upset.

Interesting that the people you have told about the incident seem to think you are unreasonable. And your determination to fall out with your sister's children as well as with her - plus the dramatic declaration that they are all 'dead to you' comes across as a bit petty and attention-seeking.

If what your sister did was awful enough to be a criminal offence (remember we have no idea what it is) have you thought about reporting it to the police, given that you have 'hard evidence'?

I can well understand you not wanting to get into the nitty gritty details on MN, but at the same time, no-one can give you meaningful advice without knowing what caused the fall-out, and what exactly your sister did.

Your counsellor, who surely has much more information about the situation than anyone here, is surely the person best placed to help you form a strategy for the way forward?

You don't have to maintain a relationship with your sister or her kids, but it would be totally wrong, imo, for your to ignore the kids were you to see them at family events or out and about (although the latter is unlikely given how far away you live).

Wow, you clearly feel very strongly about this and I respect you can't be specific, it must have been something terrible so I'm just going to assume she slept with your husband or something (which I'd cut anyone dead over too). As a compromise what if you just go to the church ceremony and skip the meal and evening afterwards, if your brother understands maybe you could treat him to dinner a few days before the wedding? Also I don't think you have to "not be nice" to your nieces and nephews. What if you just send them a Christmas card via your parents every year and then when they're old enough they will know you still care and might make contact themselves? My Dad and his sister never spoke again after their mother's funeral and I didn't see her for over 10 years. With my Dad's full support and blessing I got in touch with my Auntie in my 20s and had a very loving relationship with her until she died in 2016 xx

''What do you want to achieve, OP? Do you want your entire family to anathematise and cut off your sister and her partner and kids? To take your side unreservedly and go NC with them all? Or what?''

no i dont want that, i want to maintain contact but i dont want to be near her, what my other family members do with her is not my concern. The difficult thing is that i want to maintain a relationship with the family but cannot do that if i cant go home or attend family events if she is to be there. I am also somewhat resentful that i know 2 other siblings bought her lies about me. I know this as i heard it through a conversation between the three of them when i was eavsdropping.

i believe many know what my sister did but they are very close to her and would not take sides.

And neither should they 'take sides'. TBH you need to rise above this. Not gossip about it. If asked all you say is >head tilt< " oh you know what Dsis is like" and leave it at that.

It's a shame you'd freeze out your brother and spoil his wedding by not being there.

TBH you're obviously upset if you'd consider freezing out your entire family if they don't dance to your tune. But of course ultimately, only you know if your mum, dad, brother etc actually mean anything to you. It all seems a little over dramatic.

Sorry OP but you are coming across as very hard work indeed. Determined that nothing anybody can do will make you change your mind and now you want to make your brother's wedding a platform for escalating the family feud. Which seems only to exist in your own mind. .

I think you have a couple of options here.

• You decline the invite. However, this could damage relations with your brother and parents beyond repair. Does your brother know what happened? Would he understand?

• You go to the ceremony but decline the reception. You might find it easier to slip in last minute and sit at the back, but there would be less opportunity for your sister or other relatives to either make a fuss or question you.

• You attend the whole thing and ask your brother to seat you as far away as possible. Obviously, this gives people plenty of opportunity to question you. Are your nieces/nephews likely to approach you? Do you have it in you to walk away from them?

I think whatever you decide to do will depend on several things. Is your sister likely to approach or confront you? Will she want to avoid you in fear that other relatives will find out what happened? Or will she deny and brazen it out? Will other relatives accept you telling them you don't wish to discuss it?

Just give us a 1 line summary of what she did, then we can properly advise you.

I.e. she slept with my husband,, she defused day me out of my life savings.

The fact that you won’t say makes me think it was trivial, and you don’t want to be called out on it.

*defrauded