how do i handle this family feud?

[shanefolan29]

I am in my late 20s, my parents always raised us to get along and we have quite a strong family unit with very supportive parents. However after an incident with my sister[which I cannot explain here as it is much too personal and much too complicated but believe me it is very bad] I have decided my sister is dead to me as her actions were unforgivable. I never confronted her over what she did as it is too awkward a situation but just gave her silent treatment for months with one word answers until I eventually confessed all to my parents who had sussed something was up at Halloween when I was home visiting. [I am from Glasgow but live in Cornwall] who were both horrified and in denial about what i told them.

They tried to say i had interpreted it all wrong[despite hard evidence I was right] when i have a feeling my mum knew i was telling the truth and knew it already but my dad certainly did not. In reality they just did not want to hear what i was saying as it was way too damaging to deal with and it is rather unfixable really. I told them my sister was dead to me as were her kids because I did not want any more association with her and I did not want any more interaction with them before l left. Due to this fight I am very unwilling to be around the family home anymore as my sister also poisoned other family members against me and my sister and her kids are always visiting as they live nearby. One night my mum even rang me and my sister was in the background and she tried to include my sister in the convo and I sent her a strongly worded text after telling her never to do that again. Now, my mum rang me yesterday and said my brother is getting married in august and she wants me home for it.

I really don't want to go back. I know my parents would have told my sister what i said and try a mediation and really i can't face her or i don't want to have to chat to her if she tries to make excuses [lies] for what she did as it is too much of a horrible thing to talk about and frankly i don't want to even hear what she has to say as I despise her and think she is poison. I am just thinking of ringing sick to the wedding, what should i do? And please do not say maybe i have misunderstood the situation as I know for certain my sister did what she did and there was no misunderstanding.

my uncle fell out with my two aunts (one of which was his twin)... my mom was collateral damage in him going NC with everyone in the family because of it.

Yes he did live locally, he moved away and left no forwarding address.

I appreciate he didn't want to talk to his sisters, but it would not have killed him to still send me and my brother birthday/Christmas cards.

I still saw my cousins as they were somewhat older than I and we were still in touch with his ex-wife and they also made time to visit of their own volition.

''* You decline the invite. However, this could damage relations with your brother and parents beyond repair. Does your brother know what happened? Would he understand?''

no my brother does not know, my parents would not be discussing this with any family members except my sister as it is much too sinister an issue and I am glad many posters here are unaware of the nasty things family can do to each other and assume it is over a trivial matter. It highlights exactly how bad a thing she done as most people cannot even imagine such things. Even telling them was the hardest thing in my life. As i said i am not looking to get sides going, i am just not wanting to be near her.

I think some people here are those types who think that you should maintain relationships with family just because they are family.

It's all bollocks. My brother and I used to be close, but after he married his evil cow of a wife we grew apart. I was able to remain civil to her for a while but following an incident that she was involved in that led to the death of my horse and her refusing to apologise to me or acknowledge that her actions were responsible. I cut her and my brother and their children off completely. My mother took their side and I was accused of being hysterical and vindictive and making a fuss over just an animal (he wasn't just an animal when they wanted my nephew to learn to ride him - then he was the perfect horse and friend).

My father was the only one in my family who took my side - and that cost him his marriage to my mother and relationship with my brother, SIL and grandchildren. I didn't ask him to do so, he decided that wanted no more to do with people who could so carelessly cause the death of an animal and not even admit their guilt.

My family now is my father, partner and his family and close friends. Family is who you choose to have in your life and who enhances your life. Not just people with whom you share a few genes.

does your brother no what gone on.could you ask to meet him to discuss it.at least see what he thinks.at least ur then letting him know the problem so he will get no stories as why you are or aren't there from anyone else. and see if you can come up with something together.i think hed appreciate that.

What is going to happen at your parents funerals and other important events?

You need to accept what has happened, not forgive or forget necessary but accept it. You need to move pass anger and get to indifference or you will lose contact with your whole family. Not being able to be in the same room as her demonstrates that she is anything but dead to you, she is front and foremost in your mind.

Op
There will only be one looser in all this op and that will be you. Do you plan on never attending family events ever again. I think you need to take the advice here and attend but be cold and distant to her otherwise you'll ha r no relationship with any of your family

It highlights exactly how bad a thing she done as most people cannot even imagine such things. Even telling them was the hardest thing in my life. As i said i am not looking to get sides going, i am just not wanting to be near her.

Has your sister admitted what she's done to your parents, OP? Or does she deny it?

From your last post, I think people will be possibly be drawing conclusions about what she's done.

I never confronted her over what she did as it is too awkward a situation but just gave her silent treatment for months

You have to deal with this properly, nobody deals with a terrible wrongdoing like this and expects people to fall in line with them. Why should they? You expect eveybody to take your side when you haven't even raised the issue with your sister!

Oh the melodrama.

Ridiculous thread with no details. How the hell can we judge/assess/advise whether you are unreasonable or not when you have given no information? You just want affirmation that you are apparently right. Frankly I doubt with your drama-llama-ding-dong attitude whether you will be missed. Don't go. Save everyone the bother and you can fester in you own juice at how isolated and ostracised you are.

If she did something far worse than sleeping with your husband or defrauding you of life savings then I understand how upset you must be that people have taken her side.

Which makes me wonder whether the evidence is as clear cut as you think. Could you be mistaken?

Frankly I doubt with your drama-llama-ding-dong attitude whether you will be missed

I think if this is the “new you” you need to try harder.

no i am alone in cornwall, i came here with a job and settled, other siblings are either around scotland, in glasgow near my parents and i have a few siblings that live in texas, usa and they have for many years. I have no siblings here in england, have an aunt and 3 1st cousins in Birmingham but have 0 contact with them.

My sister and brother in law do not speak. They both came to my wedding (would happily have not had my BIL as my SIL is in the right and he is just scum). They sat at different tables, we had different sets of family photos, they both acted like adults and didn't speak. I really appreciated that my SIL did that for me and didn't turn my wedding into an awkward feud. If you don't think that's possible then I wouldn't go.

How awful and sinister can what she did be if you suspect some of your family know but would take her side?

Okay, as someone who has NC with Mum and Sister, I understand you. Everyone believes their lies. And the things they did were beyond normal behaviour.

When I am invited to a family event, I consider the size of the event and number of people. Can I avoid them in the throng? Have a I got an excuse to move away from a conversation if they start to approach the group I am standing in? Will there be a scene? Will my children want to play with theirs forcing interaction?

If I look at these questions and feel that interaction may detract from the event then I simply send apologies and do not attend.

in your situation, I would actually write to my brother - you say you have hard evidence so provide it to him. Explain you do not want to ruin his special day so will visit afterwards to celebrate more personally without causing any conflict.

All the best, families are bloody weird!

@shanefolan29 I am sorry you have had some very harsh responses from people who have no idea what your sister did to you (and there is no need for you to tell us).

I completely understand your need to be away from your sister. I this situation I feel it may be worse for you to go and perhaps have your sister try and talk to you or your mum or other family members trying to get you two 'together'.

In your shoes I'd speak to your brother. i assume he knows what your sister has done and has chosen to try and be in touch with you both. Explain you can't be around your sister but want to celebrate with your brother and his new wife.

This could mean you attending the church or legal ceremony and sitting away from your family (they do not even need to know you will be there, to be fair maybe your brother doesn't even need to know if it is in a church as I think the service is open to any to attend in a church - check that if you want!).
or
Ask if you can meet your brother and new wife soon after the wedding to look a photos and hear about their day.

If your sister's children are under 18 (or at the very least 13) it is not appropriate for you to try and maintain a relationship with them, since contact would be via your sister. However, once they are adults they may or may not want to see you and you may or may not want to see them.

Life is way too short to be around people who make you feel really uncomfortable or unhappy. You know this and have made your choice.

This is not about other family members, it is about you, it is your life.

Your brother's wedding day will not be spoiled by your not being there and the fact your family have not decided to be in contact with everyone suggests they do not think what your sister did was so serious (or do they simply not believe you?) Either way, you must do what makes sense for you in your life.

Good luck, and I hope you find peace and that you and find a way to celebrate your brother's wedding if you wish to.

I had the same problem with my nasty, narcissistic sister about 20 years ago. I'll be honest, her nasty mouth scares me, and I'm not prepared to put myself in the firing line again. I've only spoken to her a handful of times over the years, but I'm close to her two eldest (all our dc are adults now). She & I are the only ones left in my immediate family ( mum, dad and another sister are dead), but I don't care. I don't like her and she doesn't like me).
As far as I can see OP, stick to your guns going your NC with your sister. On the other hand I don't think it's fair to rope other family members. I would go to the wedding, hold your head high and ignore her.
Good luck!!

Hi OP.

Honestly it is almost impossible to give any advice on this as you won’t say what’s happened beyond the fact that it’s unforgivable and sinister. The problem is that these things can be very subjective and what is awful to you may not be to someone else.

Would you be able to give a very high level overview of matters and what’s happened? Otherwise, and I say this nicely, you seem a bit intent on causing a world of drama.

You have to forget this feud and taking sides stuff. You have made the decision to not speak to her which is fair enough but you now need to state your position as regards socialising with her then you need to avoid the subject with everyone else. If people bring it up then "you know my position on that and it's not going to change" then move the conversation on. Cool, calm and unruffled approach, even if you are an emotional wreck underneath.
You also need to stop this dramatic language about the kids. Ideally you would just send birthday and christmas cards to them via your mum, even if you don't see them but if not then use the mantra "unfortunately, although I love the kids and I know it's not their fault, they are the victims in all this too and it's impossible to maintain a relationship as it's much too painful for me"

Apart from those sentences above, you really need to stop discussing the whole situation with any of your family and let them live your lives whilst you live yours. It's not fair to put pressure on your parents, as being in the middle of your kids must be awful - even if you know one has behaved disgracefully you would still love them - and that's without the added complication of the grandchildren. Make it as easy as possible for them to maintain easy relationships with you all - albeit separately. Ditto your other siblings. Forgive them. They know your stance already. You need to leave it at that and take the higher road now.

Wish your brother well, say that you'd love to meet up and see the photos afterwards and privately celebrate his wedding, but for obvious reasons you won't be able to attend his day. Your parents will just have to understand, but take all the emotion out of it by moving the conversation on every time and refusing to engage in a calm and polite manner. "mum I'd love to make this easy for you but you know I can't" rinse and repeat.

It's impossible to tell without knowing what you are saying she did. I know you don't want to tell so it's all a bit pointless really. You may or may not be overreacting.

This is just the first of what will be many family occasions - you have to decide whether you are going to miss every family occasion or go to them and ignore those you don;t get on with. There will be Christenings (or equivalent) marriages and funerals in the future. How do you want this to pan out?

My son got married less than ayear after my xh had run off with another woman and cause a huge amount of heartache. My son wanted both his parents at the wedding and there was no way i was going to spoil my Ds's big day and not go. Nor do I think my xH should have stayed away. We sat apart at the ceremony (I sat with my DDIL's family) and we kept out of eahc other's way at the reception. it was fine apart from an initial awkwardness. I busied myself talking to other family members/friends and just kept out of XH's way. it is completely doable.

So I would say go, keep out of your sister's way. If things get too fraught you can always leave a bit early. This is your brother's day, not yours, not your sister's - just get through it for his sake.

I think if this is the “new you” you need to try harder. I think you need to wind your neck in smed

I went to a counselor [the samaritans] about it and he couldn't believe how messy the situation was, he did not know what to suggest.

The Samaritans aren't counsellors and they shouldn't /don't suggest what to do. (I'm an ex-Samaritan). They provide support by listening and not judging. They're not going to tell you what to do - if this is what you're looking for, try seeing a therapist instead.

''Just to add, if she sexually or physically abused your children or similar you need to report it to social services and the police (struggling to think what else it could be?) . Obviously not reconciliation counselling in this circumstances.''

it is not a police matter or criminal matter what she did, no law was broken, it was a moral matter and a deep betrayal but i am not explaining it here. That is all you need to know.

My sister did something really awful to me and I cut contact with her. My parents know what she did, but because they want to preserve the image of a happy family at all costs, I am now cut out of family news, activities, celebrations etc. My parents think I should just get over it.

My other siblings don't really care because we only ever communicated through my mother anyway and they stopped bothering when I insisted they talk to me directly (usually they wanted me to do favours for them so no loss really).

If you have a half decent relationship with your brother, I do think you should tell him about what has happened, so you can work out the best thing to do. If the best thing is not going to the wedding then at least he will know why and hopefully understand. Then when they rest of your family cuts you off (which seems likely, unfortunately) you will still have one family member who you have contact with.

BTW, you owe us nothing, and certainly not the intimate details of what sounds like a very distressing time in your life. I hope you find a way through it all and manage to reach some sort of peace with it.