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Original poster

how do i handle this family feud?

342 replies

shanefolan29 · 22/04/2018 10:55

I am in my late 20s, my parents always raised us to get along and we have quite a strong family unit with very supportive parents. However after an incident with my sister[which I cannot explain here as it is much too personal and much too complicated but believe me it is very bad] I have decided my sister is dead to me as her actions were unforgivable. I never confronted her over what she did as it is too awkward a situation but just gave her silent treatment for months with one word answers until I eventually confessed all to my parents who had sussed something was up at Halloween when I was home visiting. [I am from Glasgow but live in Cornwall] who were both horrified and in denial about what i told them.

They tried to say i had interpreted it all wrong[despite hard evidence I was right] when i have a feeling my mum knew i was telling the truth and knew it already but my dad certainly did not. In reality they just did not want to hear what i was saying as it was way too damaging to deal with and it is rather unfixable really. I told them my sister was dead to me as were her kids because I did not want any more association with her and I did not want any more interaction with them before l left. Due to this fight I am very unwilling to be around the family home anymore as my sister also poisoned other family members against me and my sister and her kids are always visiting as they live nearby. One night my mum even rang me and my sister was in the background and she tried to include my sister in the convo and I sent her a strongly worded text after telling her never to do that again. Now, my mum rang me yesterday and said my brother is getting married in august and she wants me home for it.

I really don't want to go back. I know my parents would have told my sister what i said and try a mediation and really i can't face her or i don't want to have to chat to her if she tries to make excuses [lies] for what she did as it is too much of a horrible thing to talk about and frankly i don't want to even hear what she has to say as I despise her and think she is poison. I am just thinking of ringing sick to the wedding, what should i do? And please do not say maybe i have misunderstood the situation as I know for certain my sister did what she did and there was no misunderstanding.

OP posts:
Fishface77 · 22/04/2018 11:49

Op. Your cutting of your nose to spite your face.
You will lose this one as your family live close to her so need to or want to maintain relationships.
Go. Ignore. Cut her dead. Don’t acknowledge her or speak to her. If it’s mentioned by anyone refuse to discuss it.
I wouldn’t ignore her children if they approached me but perhaps don’t go out of your way to seek them out.
Good luck x

Original poster
shanefolan29 · 22/04/2018 11:50

''And your determination to fall out with your sister's children as well as with her - plus the dramatic declaration that they are all 'dead to you' comes across as a bit petty and attention-seeking.''

hope you are never in a situation like this then when a terrible thing is done to you by your own family member, perhaps then you will understand what such anger does to you. It is far from petty or attention seeking, it was what i feel and it stems from deep anger.

OP posts:
FittonTower · 22/04/2018 11:51

Not really sure what you're asking, you've decided you can't be at the wedding if she's there and (pretty dramatically) declared your nephews and nieces "dead to you". What do you want from your family?

allthgoodusernamesaretaken · 22/04/2018 11:51

I'd suggest go to the wedding but avoid your sis as best you can

Smeddum · 22/04/2018 11:52

It is far from petty or attention seeking, it was what i feel and it stems from deep anger

I hear you OP. The last thing my brother did before I cut him off was so awful I nearly physically flew for him. And I never, ever advocate violence. So I bolted, because he made me someone I didn’t recognise and didn’t like.

Family is just people with a link to you, if you don’t want to maintain that link or it’s broken through a betrayal I don’t think it is petty or childish.

And I understand the deep pain and sorrow that comes from realising the people you love aren’t who you thought they were.

Returnofthesmileybar · 22/04/2018 11:53

I was nc with a sibling for a long time, I still am really in many ways. I didn't want to drag everyone into it so asked my family to accept that I do not like my sibling at all and if they accepted it I would promise to always be civil, in the sense that I didn't speak to them, I had no contact but if you were in a room with a group of us you wouldn't guess we didn't speak if you didn't know because we spoke in general room/group conversation. My sibling has since apologised but I still feel the same and try to keep it on the same basis if I can. It's almost harder now they have apologised because people accepted I had been slighted and that we didn't speak but after I got a half assed apology I was supposed to just forget it. Anyway, either way I still sent gifts to the kids and they did to mine too. I still saw the kids at things. You sound like you are in danger of totally isolating yourself from everyone, don't do that

MorningsEleven · 22/04/2018 11:53

Don't go. One of you will kick off and ruin the day.

YippeeTipTap · 22/04/2018 11:54

I think you can go to the wedding and just stay out her way although maybe it depends on the size of the wedding.

It doesn’t really change anything if you go. Presumably your sister won’t care. You can just quietly ignore her.

Haffdonga · 22/04/2018 11:54

Your question is about whether you should go to your brother's wedding, not about your sister. You say your sister is 'dead to you' so ask yourself your own question Would you want to go to your brother's wedding if your sister was really dead?

If you would go to the wedding in that circumstance then go in this circumstance. Behave in a polite and sociable way to all the relatives you want to maintain contact with and move yourself out of the vicinity of your sister.

maskingtape · 22/04/2018 11:57

This is about your sister. Only your sister. She's the one who did this 'thing'. Nobody else did and certainly not the kids.

I think the fact that you won't even say was it is that she did (as well as the 'dead to me' language) suggests you are possibly being rather sensitive or overdramatic aboyt whatever it is.

YippeeTipTap · 22/04/2018 11:58

I am also somewhat resentful that i know 2 other siblings bought her lies about me. I know this as i heard it through a conversation between the three of them when i was eavsdropping

What your siblings said to your sister during a conversation that they thought was private may not reflect what they think. It’s a huge mistake to think that it does. It’s also possible that they have reflected on things and have changed their minds.

Doyoumind · 22/04/2018 11:58

I think you should go to the wedding but send your DS a letter in advance to say you are going for your DB's sake and don't want this thing between you to play a part in the day. Tell her you will keep your distance and expect her to also, for your DB's sake.

Tell your DB, DP, other siblings you are going and you don't want this issue to spoil anyone's day and that you hope they can respect your wishes to avoid your DS and, for the sake of everyone's enjoyment of the day, support you in that.

Potplant2 · 22/04/2018 11:59

Eavesdroppers never hear any good about themselves ...

Original poster
shanefolan29 · 22/04/2018 11:59

''Just give us a 1 line summary of what she did, then we can properly advise you.

I.e. she slept with my husband,, she defused day me out of my life savings.''

Believe me, much worse than them things, far from trivial or an ordinary row, i do not wish to go into it but believe me it is unfixable.

OP posts:
Goshitshighuphere · 22/04/2018 12:01

It isn't a family feud. You have an issue with your sister.

You shouldn't go to the wedding as you will make it all about you and your relationship with your sibling.

Have you considered reconciliation counselling? Or counselling just for you?

sweeneytoddsrazor · 22/04/2018 12:01

i never asked my parents to cut contact from them nor am i looking for sides, i just don't want to be near her in any way. I am not trying to drag others into it, it just is a natural consequence that it happens if i go to family events and she is there, i do not want to be there and it causes upset.

Well then don't go. You can't ask your brother not to invite her and you can't be near her so you have to accept that you can no longer attend family functions. If that estranges you from your family then you just have to live with it.

ButchyRestingFace · 22/04/2018 12:02

Believe me, much worse than them things, far from trivial or an ordinary row, i do not wish to go into it but believe me it is unfixable.

Have you gone to the police?

TheNoseyProject · 22/04/2018 12:03

Right you’re clearly in massive pain. I assume this incident is either fresh or that it feels v fresh to you.

I would approach each instance of potential contact individually. Ie what you decide to do about the wedding doesn’t dictate what you’ll do about the next party/visit/etc.

Decide what a no-nos and be clear with your folks so they know. For example, ‘I’ll come but this is not an opportunity for reconciliation and if anyone tries to mediate I will leave’. Or: ‘I will come but I will not speak to her and her dh. If her kids approach me I will speak to them but I will not seek them out’. Or it might be ‘I can’t come this time, I’ll celebrate separately with brother, maybe in the future I’ll be able to attend this sort of thing but not this time’.

In the longer term you need to find a way to process this as you’re clearly still as mad as hell/massively hurt. I saw a clinical psyche for only 2 sessions and for me that worked, for others it’s coubselling, for others it’s writing and burning letters, for others it’s finding a friend/s who’ll listen to you talk about it until it’s all out of you, for others it’s coming up with a mantra to say to yourself when ever you start dwelling in it to cut that dwelling short. You need to find something which works for you.

squeaver · 22/04/2018 12:03

What is more important to you:

Being at your brother's wedding?
or
Having no contact with your sister?

That is your answer.

Smeddum · 22/04/2018 12:03

It may not be a police matter. Or it may be that it is and OP is choosing not to involve the police to spare her family (that one is me projecting because I could involve the police but it would break my Dad’s heart).

Goshitshighuphere · 22/04/2018 12:04

Just to add, if she sexually or physically abused your children or similar you need to report it to social services and the police (struggling to think what else it could be?) . Obviously not reconciliation counselling in this circumstances.

Ariela · 22/04/2018 12:04

I think you are making a family feud out of an incident. Whatever it is your sister has done is clearly not forgivable by you. That's fine. But this should not affect your parents, your brother & wife-to-be or even your sister's children.
I would go, be civil to your sister if needed but avoid where possible, but allow your brother his wife and your parents to enjoy the day as it should be. The day is NOT about you much as it seems you would like it to be: it is your brother and his wife's big day. You need to control your anger at your sister, and above all don't spoil it for your brother. Their wedding is NOT the time & place to bring up family grievances. IMO.

ButchyRestingFace · 22/04/2018 12:06

It may not be a police matter. Or it may be that it is and OP is choosing not to involve the police to spare her family (that one is me projecting because I could involve the police but it would break my Dad’s heart).

It may not be, you're right. But the fact that a PP gave as an example a serious criminal offence and OP said what her sister had done was much worse than that, leaves open at least the possibility that it is criminal.

GirlsBlouse17 · 22/04/2018 12:07

Has your sister in any way tried to make amends OP?

User02 · 22/04/2018 12:07

I can understand that you feel your family have taken your sister's side here.
I assume from you saying that you are from Glasgow but now in Cornwall that you have moved away from the home area. Are you the only "child" to have moved away from the home area?
I hope you have a DP and DC around you in Cornwall.
It seems to me, in my circumstances that money is a great problem in family feuds, it certainly has in my family.

You need to find what is comfortable for you. A PP mentioned the 3 ways you could attend DBrother's wedding. Which of those suggestions would you be most comfortable with you? The choice you make would indicate how important to you it is to stay in touch with your relatives.