how do i handle this family feud?

[shanefolan29]

I am in my late 20s, my parents always raised us to get along and we have quite a strong family unit with very supportive parents. However after an incident with my sister[which I cannot explain here as it is much too personal and much too complicated but believe me it is very bad] I have decided my sister is dead to me as her actions were unforgivable. I never confronted her over what she did as it is too awkward a situation but just gave her silent treatment for months with one word answers until I eventually confessed all to my parents who had sussed something was up at Halloween when I was home visiting. [I am from Glasgow but live in Cornwall] who were both horrified and in denial about what i told them.

They tried to say i had interpreted it all wrong[despite hard evidence I was right] when i have a feeling my mum knew i was telling the truth and knew it already but my dad certainly did not. In reality they just did not want to hear what i was saying as it was way too damaging to deal with and it is rather unfixable really. I told them my sister was dead to me as were her kids because I did not want any more association with her and I did not want any more interaction with them before l left. Due to this fight I am very unwilling to be around the family home anymore as my sister also poisoned other family members against me and my sister and her kids are always visiting as they live nearby. One night my mum even rang me and my sister was in the background and she tried to include my sister in the convo and I sent her a strongly worded text after telling her never to do that again. Now, my mum rang me yesterday and said my brother is getting married in august and she wants me home for it.

I really don't want to go back. I know my parents would have told my sister what i said and try a mediation and really i can't face her or i don't want to have to chat to her if she tries to make excuses [lies] for what she did as it is too much of a horrible thing to talk about and frankly i don't want to even hear what she has to say as I despise her and think she is poison. I am just thinking of ringing sick to the wedding, what should i do? And please do not say maybe i have misunderstood the situation as I know for certain my sister did what she did and there was no misunderstanding.

Did your sister say you hated Irn Bru, OP?

The new recipe Irn Bru is boggin

AcrossthePond the only aspect of your advice to the OP that doesn't sit well (and this is only one opinion), is giving the OPs brother the burden of deciding whether he wants the OP at his wedding. If it were me in OPs shoes, I would "take a man up pill" and make the decision to go along, and not drag the brother into the centre of this dreadful feud.

If the villain sister were to make any attempt to stir up trouble at the wedding I'd like to think it were possible to diffuse the situation on that day, and be resolute not spoil it for the brother on his big day (even reminding the sister of that fact.)

Leaving the burden of decision-making to the brother when weddings are busy and stressful as they are, seems unfair when the brother doesn't deserve to be dragged into it.

But, hey that an ideal world, so maybe not possible if the "big thing" is impossible to resolve in the OPs head. Sometimes one has to extract oneself from these situations, the world doesn't revolve around the OP.

I went to a counselor [the samaritans] about it and he couldn't believe how messy the situation was, he did not know what to suggest.

"The Samaritans aren't counsellors and they shouldn't /don't suggest what to do. (I'm an ex-Samaritan). They provide support by listening and not judging. They're not going to tell you what to do - if this is what you're looking for, try seeing a therapist instead."

I was going to say the same thing, the Samaritans aren't counsellors, and a counsellor or therapist shouldn't really tell you what to do either. They should listen to you and work with you so that you can come to your own conclusions about what you want to do.

We are in a similar position, a relative recently got engaged but I suspect we're not going to be invited to the wedding.

We are estranged from members of DH's family for good reason, but it's had a knock on effect through the rest of the family so one by one we've become more isolated and cut off. This relative was really the last one left that we had contact with but we can't see how we can go to the wedding.

If we are invited and we go, we will be there with at least three people we haven't had any sort of voluntry contact with in years.

There is no question of those people not being invited in favour of us, and we would never dream of giving an "it's them or us" ultimatum.

We know that they won't respect our boundaries if we go, so they will approach us, and that will be stressful and upsetting.

Which will leave us the choice of being trapped for the sake of politeness at someone else's wedding, or telling them to leave us alone and potentially causing a scene at someone else's wedding.

We can't go, even if we're asked.

I would only suggest that you speak to your brother in advance and have an honest conversation with him.

How he takes that is up to him but I think you need to do it as soon as you can.

Just a word of caution though, he may not take it well or understand why you can't just make up with her for his sake.

If you can offer anything else, like inviting him and his fiance to visit you shortly before or after the wedding, and have a celebration that way, maybe that will show you support him and will give you chance to discuss how you feel. And explain that although you would love to be there, you don't want to be part of any upset on his big day.

I didn't speak to my sister for years but still picked up my nephew once a week and didn't let it affect him in fact he was 14 before he even realised we hadn't spoken since he was 2 and in fact it was him who helped us Bury the hatchett. It has nothing to do with the kids. So to cut them off isn't really fair. I don't think I could have lived with myself if I had cut him off for something his mum had done.

Reanimated
That is an interesting point. Ops parents were apparently initially outraged though. It could also be that op misinterpreted the sibling.

Many many years ago. Just after my father died, I got very drunk and was consoled by a guy who’d lost his dad 2 years prior. I also consoled him. I was so full of grief and laughed (not at him but perhaps it felt like that) because I didn’t feel I could live for another 2 years still feeling so awful and basically because he was so hurt, I felt I wanted to die. This was so misunderstood and I later heard his 2 female friends were incredibly angry with me and apparently had wanted to hit me. (Teens)

I was too frightened and embarrassed to speak to him when I bumped into him a few weeks later to explain. Communication can sometimes be so easily misinterpreted.

Just spit it out OP ! This is so bloody frustrating. What has the sister actually done to you that is worse than anything people have already mentioned ? Christ on a bike !!

Finally de-lurking. I’ve waited years for someone to mention the magnificent Hibernian FC.

@ Smeddum,
Ah dinnae Ken, it's whit ma mates sez. Mind, they're frae Dundee & Dunfermline.

The whole point of Irn Bru is sugar and caffeine.

I reckon the OP is from a long line of Fannys but didn't inherit the name and has turned sour.

Loving this thread I am learning a whole new language

frae Dundee & Dunfermline

Fuck me, you cunt. You need new friends!

It could be the result of a heated debate over who puts on the best panto -

Johnny McKnight as Widow Twanky up at the McRobert in Stirling

vs

The Crankies swinging away on the beanstalk at the SECC.

Wars have been fought for less.

Are the Crankies not dead yet?

Fuck me, you cunt. You need new friends! Eh ?

@Morningseleven,
My Gran was Scots, though she lived in Cornwall longer than she ever lived in Scotland. As a result I tend to mix well with Scottish people because I understand the language. When I was a kid, my Gran & my mum would talk about me in broad Scots so I wouldn't know what they were saying. My gran had a Scots /English dictionary & a Scots bible on her bookshelf.

Eh ?

It's a Scottish thing.

My gran had a Scots /English dictionary & a Scots bible on her bookshelf

I need a Scots bible. Dunfermline and Dundee had me howling.

Whilst I agree you are under no obligation to say what your sister did, it does make it hard for people to offer advice.
Anyway, based on what you've said, I can't see you have any option other than to decline the wedding invitation. Yes, you'll upset your brother, but honestly, your remarks about your siblings and your nieces and nephews suggest to me that you are not especially bothered about that. You don't want to go home anyway, because you know your parents will try to address the issue so I don't see any other option for you.

At the wedding will people drink much
?
I remember being at a wedding as a child many years ago and a family feud erupted into fisticuffs.
I was terrified and still remember it many years later.
Is there any chance your sister and her family might start a row ?

You didn't want to join the masons, did you Shane? Or 'the ludge?'

@Morningeleven,
I don't know what happened to the bible (she died in 2007), but there is a New Testament in "Glasgow patter" published by SPCK or some such.

Just had a read through your posts again OP.
Let me guess - your sister reported you to social services for something?

Morningeleven,
Look for "A Glasgow Bible" by Jamie Stuart, published by St Andrews Press.

Ring the school and tell them your concerns and ask for the school careers adviser to have an appointment with her to talk through her options. Someone impartial might get through to her.

With regards to money you are right to be concerned and make plans. I am pretty sure you will not be entitled to child benefit after she moves out either so not sure if you would be entitled to any maintenance from your ex. I would ring citizens advice to find out. I would also cancel her mobile contract if she wants to be an adult.