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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

how do i handle this family feud?

342 replies

shanefolan29 · 22/04/2018 10:55

I am in my late 20s, my parents always raised us to get along and we have quite a strong family unit with very supportive parents. However after an incident with my sister[which I cannot explain here as it is much too personal and much too complicated but believe me it is very bad] I have decided my sister is dead to me as her actions were unforgivable. I never confronted her over what she did as it is too awkward a situation but just gave her silent treatment for months with one word answers until I eventually confessed all to my parents who had sussed something was up at Halloween when I was home visiting. [I am from Glasgow but live in Cornwall] who were both horrified and in denial about what i told them.

They tried to say i had interpreted it all wrong[despite hard evidence I was right] when i have a feeling my mum knew i was telling the truth and knew it already but my dad certainly did not. In reality they just did not want to hear what i was saying as it was way too damaging to deal with and it is rather unfixable really. I told them my sister was dead to me as were her kids because I did not want any more association with her and I did not want any more interaction with them before l left. Due to this fight I am very unwilling to be around the family home anymore as my sister also poisoned other family members against me and my sister and her kids are always visiting as they live nearby. One night my mum even rang me and my sister was in the background and she tried to include my sister in the convo and I sent her a strongly worded text after telling her never to do that again. Now, my mum rang me yesterday and said my brother is getting married in august and she wants me home for it.

I really don't want to go back. I know my parents would have told my sister what i said and try a mediation and really i can't face her or i don't want to have to chat to her if she tries to make excuses [lies] for what she did as it is too much of a horrible thing to talk about and frankly i don't want to even hear what she has to say as I despise her and think she is poison. I am just thinking of ringing sick to the wedding, what should i do? And please do not say maybe i have misunderstood the situation as I know for certain my sister did what she did and there was no misunderstanding.

OP posts:

sweeneytoddsrazor · 22/04/2018 14:44

So you did something and your sister said you did it for x reason which wasn't true? And that is much worse than her sleeping with your spouse or stealing all your money, and it makes you say her kids are also dead to you?

^^
This especially when you are happy to remain friends with people who knowingly defraud restaurants because you like them. I suspect you don't like your sister and are using this as an excuse to stop speaking to her but you aren't getting family backing and don't like that.

NotTheFordType · 22/04/2018 14:44

interested to know what 'cultural aspect' could relate to someone named Shane Folan from a family of 8 in Glasgow

With 8 siblings I'd be assuming strict Roman Catholic.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 22/04/2018 14:46

OP, I'm sorry for your situation, which should have been addressed head on, when you confided in your parents. I can feel how hurt you are, beneath your anger. You've made a new life for yourself, so stay at home if you wish. However, I think you can do this, stand tall, your sister should be the one squirming in her seat. Just stick around for the ceremony and see your brother married, you don't owe anybody anything.

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 22/04/2018 14:47

They are just sinister about my intentions on something I did

Right. And your nephews and/or nieces are 'dead to you' as a result?

I think that you must feel that you wouldn't get a 100% YANBU here and you don't really want to hear that you might be a bit U.

Italiangreyhound · 22/04/2018 14:47

@shanefolan29 sorry I also assumed you were female. My apologies. It Duran't make a blind but of difference what sex you are.

If you cannot face going, don't go. Tell your brother as much or as little as you wish to.

It's a shame you will lose contact with nieces or nephews but it is not the end of the world. I rarely see my aunties, uncles or cousins. No falling out, just how it is. And has been this way for decades. It's no real loss to me or them.

Close knot extended families may find it hard to imagine going a whole year with only a Christmas cars or the off Facebook post. But it's fine. We see each other rarely. And it is fine. Do what suits you. But personally I would attend just the ceremony and then leave or explain to your brother.

(And those shouting drama Lana either don't know or don't care, because if they cared they would explain themselves better)

Smeddum · 22/04/2018 14:48

Those shouting drama llama are trying to provoke OP into disclosing the details because their noses are bothering them!

CurlyhairedAssassin · 22/04/2018 14:48

I think OP is loving keeping us all guessing. That says it all to me. OP is already identifiable from the details they’ve given. Any relatives reading this thread are going to know exactly who and what it’s about, so all this drama is ridiculous.

Go to the wedding and just be cool towards your sister like an adult should be. No need to even make small talk. Avoid her. Job done.

BettyPitts · 22/04/2018 14:48

Too hard to tell with not enough info.

From what you've written I think you like the drama but I might be wrong. I think it's too little info.

Italiangreyhound · 22/04/2018 14:49

odd Facebook post.

PotterGrangerWeasley · 22/04/2018 14:49

I was a child that stayed in contact with family when my parents went NC, and I can tell you as an adult that I dearly wish I had been cut off as well. They treated my DF unforgivably but put all the blame on him because they couldn't admit their own behaviour.

Honestly no-one can tell you what to do because only you know the whole story and how you feel about it. Consider whether you think you will regret missing the wedding in the future, then do as you think best.

shockthemonkey · 22/04/2018 14:50

OP, having read your PM I do think you have, quite honestly, a small perspective problem.

Don't freeze out the kids because of your sister's lies.

And do go to the wedding... too bad if people are taking her side, you're going to have to ride this one out.

SauvignonBlanche · 22/04/2018 14:50

If you’re one of 8 that’s a lot of family occasions you’re going to miss out of if you won’t go to anything your DSis is at.

Italiangreyhound · 22/04/2018 14:50

For those desperate for more info, unable to advise, maybe this is not a case for you to advise since OP does not want to say!

Passthesalt1 · 22/04/2018 14:51

I hate criptic ops, I’ve rtft and I have no idea what you actually want done. We cannot advise unless you stop drip feeding tbh.

TokenBritPoshOfCourse · 22/04/2018 14:52

Blimey what a dramatic load of old nonsense.

stitchglitched · 22/04/2018 14:53

OP doesn't want to say but claimed it was something so shocking and sinister that people suspected child abuse. Then it turns out she questioned his motives over something he did. And he is apparently happy to disclose all via PM. No not a drama llama at all.

Oldbutstillgotit · 22/04/2018 14:55

Squeaver - are you assuming only native Scots live in Glasgow ?? And we all know that names on here can be completely random .

bonbonlavie · 22/04/2018 14:56

This thread is a waste of time.

OP, go or don’t go.

Lockheart · 22/04/2018 14:59

You ultimately have 2 choices OP

Go to your brothers wedding and avoid your sister but be civil.

Don’t go to your brothers wedding and risk losing him as well as your sister.

Which is more important - your brother or your argument with your sister? None of us can answer that for you. If what your sister did was so bad that you really can’t go to the wedding then you shouldn’t go, but you should be fully prepared to end up damaging your relationships with the rest of your family as a result.

And I would imagine if your sister is the bitch that you say, she will be spreading lies about why you’re not there pretty darn quickly. If you are there then she won’t be able to do that.

bevelino · 22/04/2018 15:02

OP, this is a sad situation. Are you able to get help in real life as it seems that you have already made your mind up? Furthermore, you already know the impact the feud is having on your family and counselling might help you come to terms with your decision.

billybagpuss · 22/04/2018 15:09

Gosh this is a strange thread.

The way I see it is your sister has wronged you massively and you are not in a position to move on from that.

The only possibly helpful thing I can add is because you are so far away and so isolated from the family, you are not interacting with them regularly so festering over what has happened. I'm not going to belittle it and saying 'you're blowing it out of proportion' but it is very difficult to keep a grounded perception of events when you keep playing it over in your head.

I know its going to be difficult but I think you should go to the wedding, avoid your sister but if you don't go things will fester between you and the rest of your family and the longer you leave it the harder it will be to get back in touch with them. Especially as your family will see you not going as a slight and the 'why isn't sf29 here?' and the gossip will start.

Big girls pants time, hold your head up and go for it.

ButchyRestingFace · 22/04/2018 15:11

Big girls pants time, hold your head up and go for it.

Have you read all of the thread, BBB?

billybagpuss · 22/04/2018 15:21

Honestly BRF I had, but got distracted and didn't check for updates after I got back and was half way through composing

My apologies OP

WilburIsSomePig · 22/04/2018 15:34

All this talk of 'sinister' lies and people being 'dead' to you makes you sound very over dramatic OP. Sorry.

Smeddum · 22/04/2018 15:35

In OPs defence, someone being “dead to them” is fairly common in Glasgow. I don’t like it personally, but it isn’t an uncommon phrase

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