how do i handle this family feud?

[shanefolan29]

I am in my late 20s, my parents always raised us to get along and we have quite a strong family unit with very supportive parents. However after an incident with my sister[which I cannot explain here as it is much too personal and much too complicated but believe me it is very bad] I have decided my sister is dead to me as her actions were unforgivable. I never confronted her over what she did as it is too awkward a situation but just gave her silent treatment for months with one word answers until I eventually confessed all to my parents who had sussed something was up at Halloween when I was home visiting. [I am from Glasgow but live in Cornwall] who were both horrified and in denial about what i told them.

They tried to say i had interpreted it all wrong[despite hard evidence I was right] when i have a feeling my mum knew i was telling the truth and knew it already but my dad certainly did not. In reality they just did not want to hear what i was saying as it was way too damaging to deal with and it is rather unfixable really. I told them my sister was dead to me as were her kids because I did not want any more association with her and I did not want any more interaction with them before l left. Due to this fight I am very unwilling to be around the family home anymore as my sister also poisoned other family members against me and my sister and her kids are always visiting as they live nearby. One night my mum even rang me and my sister was in the background and she tried to include my sister in the convo and I sent her a strongly worded text after telling her never to do that again. Now, my mum rang me yesterday and said my brother is getting married in august and she wants me home for it.

I really don't want to go back. I know my parents would have told my sister what i said and try a mediation and really i can't face her or i don't want to have to chat to her if she tries to make excuses [lies] for what she did as it is too much of a horrible thing to talk about and frankly i don't want to even hear what she has to say as I despise her and think she is poison. I am just thinking of ringing sick to the wedding, what should i do? And please do not say maybe i have misunderstood the situation as I know for certain my sister did what she did and there was no misunderstanding.

Completely with you OP. I have done the same. You don’t have to sacrifice your own feelings to make everyone else feel more comfortable. You are the one dealing with whatever hurt she has caused you.

Just tell your DM you don’t want to know anything about your sister and leave the room if she tries to engage you in any conversation about her or her family. I hope this gets better for you but if it doesn’t, life will be very much better for you without her in it.

Jeez. I read all the way through the attention seeking twaddle.

"I never confronted her over what she did as it is too awkward a situation but just gave her silent treatment for months."

You have never confronted her. So you have never heard her side of the story?

How do you know she did whatever-she-did at all then, OP? Third-party information, perhaps?

And if so, does that mean that you totally accepted a third-party's (usually subjective) take on what your sister may or may not have done to you?
Yet you wouldn't ever talk to your sister, so you can't know her side of it!

I have no idea whether you did what you may or may not have been accused of by your sister. I have no idea whether your sister said or did exactly what you think she did, or whether there has been some third-part embellishment!

But I am getting the feeling that, in the handling of the family 'feud', you're not entirely without fault.

For fucks sake what a waste of time it was reading this thread. The OP is being narky with everyone and even his his sex but gave out a lot more identifying details. Who gives a shiny shit if you go to the wedding or not OP?

“OP hasn’t said what his sister has accused him of, has he? Or did I miss that too?

He pretty much has, yes. And ruled out what you suspected.”

Gah! In that case my apologies. Somehow I’ve skipped a few pages. Given the latest, not sure I want to reread it all again

TBH, OP....... I'm with them.

"I told them my sister was dead to me as were her kids because I did not want any more association with her and I did not want any more interaction with them"

Meant to add, this ^ is a horrible thing to say about children. If you were my sibling, I'd be very tempted to stop speaking to you, if I heard that you had said another sibling's children were "dead to you"!

"Sadly if you fall out with a sibling maintaining contact with their kids is not appropriate."

And this ^ is utter bullshit! Even supposing your sibling tried to murder you, there is nothing to prevent you sending your sibling's children a card with a gift token on their birthdays, via granny and grandpa.

I'm not sure what you can get from this thread. I understand you don't want to share what happened (and you have no obligation to say anything more than you have) but it does make it hard to know how to advise you really.

You could be 100% right, you could be over-reacting. Your "proof" may be 100% accurate or you may be wrong (I know you are adamant your 100% right, but you wouldn't be the first to believe that yet the truth be more nuanced). None of us can know the truth and without any details whatsoever it is hard to advise you and I think that is why the advice here is very mixed. I would say though, that it all sounds very dramatic- again, now way of knowing whether this is justified or not.

The reason I sit on the fence somewhat is not because I believe family can't do awful things to each other- I know this is not the case. And it's not because I think people should tolerate appalling behaviour from family members purely because they are family. Rather it is because my brother would tell everyone a very different version of events regarding our strained relationship. For what it's worth, I think he really does feel he has been hard-done by. In my view (and those of others), he is largely the author of his own misfortune. I do understand why he feels the way he does, but it doesn't change anything.

What I would say is that you need to think carefully about this. This is just the first of what will be many family occasions - there are going to be weddings, christenings, important birthdays/wedding anniversaries and even funerals. You need to decide what you want, are you prepared to compromise on anything (i.e. be at the same event as long as you are no-one attempts to stage a reconciliation and you can maintain your distance)? Or are you prepared to miss every family occasion because you can't bear to see your sister. If you do the latter- and don't visit your parents/other family members because she may be there- then this will inevitably mean changes to the relationship you have with them all.

If you decide not to go to your brother's wedding, please don't just not turn up. At least explain to him your reasons, otherwise you are punishing him for your feud with your sister.

You could be the bigger person here and go but don't speak to your sister.

Tbh though if it wasn't sexual I can't see what she could have said that was so bad.

ADish
I couldn’t agree more with you on the “dead to me” front. I said upthread it’s immature. But actually it’s disgusting. My brother said that about me just after he’d been violent to me. Unprovoked. He and his wife’s verbal assaults and his threats of violence always are unprovoked. I haven’t spoken to them since. And don’t intend to.

I also don’t agree you can’t be in contact with n&n’s under any circumstances. I had a thread about it under another name after an incident and was told by a lot of people I can’t. I thoroughly suspect the birthday card to my n went straight in the bin. Oh well. Incidentally I asked my dd if she missed her cousin and she said she didn’t as she doesn’t know them. They last saw eachother about a year ago. I think she’s past the little kid phase on that front and she’s happy with the decision not to see her aunt and uncle, who treat her dreadfully.

Gah! In that case my apologies. Somehow I’ve skipped a few pages. Given the latest, not sure I want to reread it all again hmm

You know the Meatloaf song I would do anything for love but I wouldn't do that, and everyone wonders what the fuck the 'that' is?

Well, this thread's a bit like that.

Wondering if the questioning the motivation involved OP's career choice.

I've pretty much RTFT and my head is wobbling.

So, as I understand it, OP did 'something' (not illegal, not immoral) for X reason. His sister attributed his motive as Y (something 'sinister') and started talking smack about 'it' (and her interpretation of 'it') to other family members(?). OP got all het up, told the parents all about it and then left the area with no further contact with sister. And whatever 'it' is, it is not sexual assault/rape/child sexual abuse. Also, whatever 'it' is, OP has 'hard proof' that his motives were entirely above board.

I think part of the problem with other family members is that 1-you left the area immediately after dropping the bomb, and 2-you are trying to make others 'take sides'.

1- some people might interpret your leaving as 'running away from guilt'. Not saying you are in any way, just the way some people might look at it.

2-trying to get people to take sides in a dispute when they don't want to usually ends up with them siding against you. Especially if the other party isn't making the same demand.

I suggest you call your brother, explain clearly what happened and that although you do not want any rapprochement with your sister, you would never cause a 'scene' during his special day but would quietly leave if approached. Then leave it up to him. If he still wants you there and you can agree to 'terms' (i.e. not being seated next or near to sister, no trying to force contact etc), then you need to speak to your parents, explain that you will attend but that if they attempt to make you interact with sister, or if sister approaches you, you will leave.

Also ask brother if you can bring someone to run interference for you. A friend or sig other who can intervene and get you away from an awkward encounter.

Oh, and plan to stay at a hotel or with friends. You need a 'bolthole' where you can retreat if needed. Do NOT stay with your parents or other relatives. You do not have the right to demand that they bar their homes to your sister because you are staying there.

We've only had one rather stupid, minor squabble between two uncles. The family line was to invite both of them and refuse to confirm whether the other was attending. Each was free to then accept or decline of their own volition.

You know the Meatloaf song I would do anything for love but I wouldn't do that, and everyone wonders what the fuck the 'that' is?
Well, this thread's a bit like that

it really is!

Siblings often fall out, but the only things serious enough to make me have no contact with my brother have been mentioned and discounted by the OP. Without knowing it is hard to give suitable advice or support.

Thinking about this again (why I'm bothering I don't know) it seems unfair of you to have dropped this 'bomb' on your parents and then fucked off to Cornwall never to return...

Is you sister a mumsnetter OP? Are you hoping she reads this?

Has she said that you support Rangers, OP?

@LineyHasntLeftTheBuilding to be fair that is pretty sinister (I’m joking in case anyone thinks I’m being serious)

Has she said that you support Rangers, OP?

Could be worse. Could be Hamilton Accies.

Or...

Stirling Albion. 😱

He could be under the influence of the Hibernian.

@MorningsEleven I wouldn’t mention them to the green side of Glasgow after yesterday I’ve only just calmed down!

@Smeddum

🙊🙉🙈

@MorningsEleven to be fair to Hibs, they earned every bit of it. I’m still beelin though

I think the fact the OP is so against revealing anything about the situation is because there is a kernel of truth and they know we will agree with the sis he has been inappropriate.

I am thinking that, too. It's not uncommon for the person being a posturing, attention-seeking twat full of 'How DARE you question my motives?' to be... actually acting out of selfish or malevolent motives. The rage could be due to the sister having spotted the bad motives and called them.