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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

how do i handle this family feud?

342 replies

shanefolan29 · 22/04/2018 10:55

I am in my late 20s, my parents always raised us to get along and we have quite a strong family unit with very supportive parents. However after an incident with my sister[which I cannot explain here as it is much too personal and much too complicated but believe me it is very bad] I have decided my sister is dead to me as her actions were unforgivable. I never confronted her over what she did as it is too awkward a situation but just gave her silent treatment for months with one word answers until I eventually confessed all to my parents who had sussed something was up at Halloween when I was home visiting. [I am from Glasgow but live in Cornwall] who were both horrified and in denial about what i told them.

They tried to say i had interpreted it all wrong[despite hard evidence I was right] when i have a feeling my mum knew i was telling the truth and knew it already but my dad certainly did not. In reality they just did not want to hear what i was saying as it was way too damaging to deal with and it is rather unfixable really. I told them my sister was dead to me as were her kids because I did not want any more association with her and I did not want any more interaction with them before l left. Due to this fight I am very unwilling to be around the family home anymore as my sister also poisoned other family members against me and my sister and her kids are always visiting as they live nearby. One night my mum even rang me and my sister was in the background and she tried to include my sister in the convo and I sent her a strongly worded text after telling her never to do that again. Now, my mum rang me yesterday and said my brother is getting married in august and she wants me home for it.

I really don't want to go back. I know my parents would have told my sister what i said and try a mediation and really i can't face her or i don't want to have to chat to her if she tries to make excuses [lies] for what she did as it is too much of a horrible thing to talk about and frankly i don't want to even hear what she has to say as I despise her and think she is poison. I am just thinking of ringing sick to the wedding, what should i do? And please do not say maybe i have misunderstood the situation as I know for certain my sister did what she did and there was no misunderstanding.

OP posts:

Smeddum · 22/04/2018 14:05

In which case I apologise for assuming you were female OP.

Smeddum · 22/04/2018 14:06

@ButchyRestingFace fair point, but still, I spend a fair amount of time on here challenging assumptions so I’d be a bit crap if I didn’t call myself out too

Haffiana · 22/04/2018 14:07

OP can't bear to be in the same room as his sister. So he can't go. End of.

What on earth is there to discuss? In years to come he can repent at leisure or whatever, but for now he should just do what he wants to do instead of trying to blame more family members for what is his own decision.

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/04/2018 14:08

Saying someone is dead to you including kids is not very adult. I see you’re late 20’s so perhaps a little growing up to do there. As for what your sister said, it sounds as if it upset you loads and was a prolonged assault. But at the end of the day, they are only words. I’m not trying to minimise the words or the rumours. However, I would have thought just for one day you could put your feelings aside for your brother. If you or your partner/children were in physical danger, as I am with my brother, I could understand your reticence. You have a long life ahead of you and imo you may live to regret this decision in the future.

UnsuspectedItem · 22/04/2018 14:10

OP, from what you've said it sounds like the people who know what has occured think you are being unreasonable.
Without disclosing at least a general idea of what has happened, no one on here can give proper advice.

You clearly despise your sister so I'm not sure why you're worried about being outed anyway.

To claim someone is "dead to you" is all manner of over-dramatic, childish and exceptionally inappropriate, regardless of the situation.

BlancheM · 22/04/2018 14:15

It would be a shame to ostracise yourself from the whole family when it's you who is the victim.
When I was younger, one of my cousins fell out with my mum and used me to try and hurt her. He did all kinds of twisted things including telling people I'd told him my dad sexually abused me (he admitted it all whilst drunk 10 years later and apologised to my mum, not me).
However, if I'd avoided him at all costs, I'd have missed out on so many family gatherings. Instead I just look straight through him, and act like he isn't there, which comes easily as he is dead to me.

Italiangreyhound · 22/04/2018 14:20

On the subject of funerals, if/when there is a family funeral you will decide as you do for a wedding. The difference of the funeral (I can say as someone who has now lost both parents to old age) is that the key person is not really there, so decisions about funerals can actually be easier than decisions about weddings!

Original poster

shanefolan29 · 22/04/2018 14:20

christ, yes i am male but the allegations are nothing sexual. They are just sinister about my intentions on something i did-again nothing sexual or about rape.

OP posts:

ButchyRestingFace · 22/04/2018 14:23

Oh well, I hope you got the advice you were seeking on this thread, OP.

borlottibeans · 22/04/2018 14:26

I live half an hour away from an aunt I haven't spoken to since she and my mother fell out when I was a child. It's been 20 years and she never managed to send so much as a birthday card, so I can only assume she isn't interested in hearing from me. She is now the only member of my extended family within a reasonable journey and it would be really lovely if we were on speaking terms, but we aren't and reading this post has made me quite sad about the whole thing.

What I'm trying to say, and what I would quite like to go back in time and say to my aunt, is: are you really prepared to cut out your nieces and nephews forever, because of something their mum did? Can you not try to be the bigger person here?

sweeneytoddsrazor · 22/04/2018 14:28

They are just sinister about my intentions on something i did-again nothing sexual or about rape.

Then it is starting to sound very much like an over reaction on your part.

Mightymucks · 22/04/2018 14:29

Was it to do with money or your parents property?

Mightymucks · 22/04/2018 14:30

It does sound like an overreaction. Unless you’re actually prepared to say what it is it’s going to keep looking like that.

Oldbutstillgotit · 22/04/2018 14:31

No idea why I am still reading this as the OP seems to be almost playing a game here. For what it’s worth I think it is either gender or financial related.

Oldbutstillgotit · 22/04/2018 14:32

Also think there could be a cultural aspect .

ReanimatedSGB · 22/04/2018 14:33

It's starting to sound like your sister disagreed with you about something - perhaps some course of action that not everyone would approve of, though it isn't necessarily a bad thing. Perhaps what you planned to do would put either you or other people at risk (maybe poor financial advice?). And you can't bear not getting your own way, or being criticized, so you've thrown an epic tanty in an attempt to get your own way at either your sister's expense or someone else's.

rebeccabecca · 22/04/2018 14:35

What was your sisters motivation to spread lies about you?

Italiangreyhound · 22/04/2018 14:35

Sorry, I should clarify that. I think seeing people while they are alive should be important not talk of what when there is a funeral. Make time to see family members who are important to you. Not those that are not.

PositivelyPERF · 22/04/2018 14:37

shanefolan29 I do know how difficult it is to go to family events, when you’re not speaking to one of them, but i think you should go. I would be concerned that if you don’t, then others will think that you are ashamed of whatever your sister has accused you off and will have proved SHE is telling the truth. Things will just get worse for you, as feelings of resentment grows.

Arrive, stay out of the way and go in just after the bride and groom goes down the isle. You can quietly slip in at the back. After they leave and you’ve posed for a couple of photos, for your brother’s sake, hit foot it to the reception. Go into the function room and check where you are seated. If you’re placed beside her, then swap the name places with someone else a few seats away (do make sure this is another single person). It’s easier if it’s a long table, as you can easily bump her to the other side of a couple of people. Not so easy if it’s a round table

If she tries to speak to you, just say to anyone you’re speaking to that you’re going to the loo, getting a drink, making a call, etc and walk away.

Don’t let her come between you and the rest of your family.

Smeddum · 22/04/2018 14:38

Make time to see family members who are important to you. Not those that are not

Strip away all the bullshit, assumptions, declarations of obligation and nastiness and there it is. Absolutely spot on.

Ginger1982 · 22/04/2018 14:38

OP if your being at the wedding would cause tension and atmosphere then don't go. Your brother's big day shouldn't be spoilt. If he doesn't know what happened will he be upset/shocked if you don't go? Presumably though he heard what your sister said and has his own opinion on the validity of her comments.

fuckingjournocunts · 22/04/2018 14:38

Definitely financial.
The op probably did something nice for his gp's and his sister is accusing him of doing it for financial gain such as a bigger stake in the inheritance.
All this mystery over it is ridiculous though and of course what it is effects the advice people will give.
Tell, don't tell op I don't care as I'm not the one who needs help. Just don't expect to get a decent answer if you can't or won't tell the people who do care.

CrumbsInBed · 22/04/2018 14:39

Make your own family and surround yourself with people who you actually want in your life and who treat you well

This ^

As somebody who went NC with her parents, and the reasons were not seen as ‘serious’ by some family members, yet has emotionally damaged me long term, I understand why you don’t want to say what your sister has done. You are scared nobody will take you seriously if you do tell us what happened.

I know the feeling. Fucking family dynamics 😡.

My family are now dh, some of his family, and my work colleagues and friends. Flesh and blood don’t necessarily go in hand with love and loyalty.

stitchglitched · 22/04/2018 14:40

They are just sinister about my intentions on something I did

So you did something and your sister said you did it for x reason which wasn't true? And that is much worse than her sleeping with your spouse or stealing all your money, and it makes you say her kids are also dead to you?

squeaver · 22/04/2018 14:41

Oldbutstillgotit - interested to know what 'cultural aspect' could relate to someone named Shane Folan from a family of 8 in Glasgow...

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