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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go to this meal?

165 replies

HopefullyAnonymous · 22/04/2018 09:09

We are booked to go for a family meal for DHs gran’s birthday today, full extended family event. Have just seen on social media that my niece has come down with the dreaded pox, however they are still planning on coming to the meal.

My DCs haven’t had chicken pox yet. I’m currently working away during the week and only home for weekends, and DH struggles to take time off work so childcare is delicately balanced. We can’t affort for them to have the time off school at the moment.

I’ve said the children won’t be coming to the meal now, although DH can obviously still go. MIL has absolutely hit the roof and thinks I’m being ridiculous. Am I?

OP posts:
GnotherGnu · 22/04/2018 11:20

Can't you point out to the parents how irresponsible it would be to take their child out in public? If she's unwell it's hardly a kindness to her anyway.

LegendOfTomorrow · 22/04/2018 11:22

Well if people are so cavalier about the care and attention a child with chickenpox needs, no wonder some children go on to suffer complications.

Nice bit of victim blaming there. Complications from chicken pox are the result of many things such as the child's health but mostly, bloody bad luck.
I know someone who almost lost their child thanks to them contracting a secondary infection in the brain caused by the chicken pox and they followed all the treatment and quarantine rules.

Frombothsidesnow · 22/04/2018 11:23

They need to be prepared for the restaurant refusing to take them. People are very aware of the dangers of chicken pox now and either the staff or another customer may query their presence. I know when DD had pox very badly I was repeatedly asked whether she was fit to be out once she was recovering as she was badly marked.

Hygge · 22/04/2018 11:24

"It’s about ten years ago now but my husband caught chicken pox from our kids. He was really, really ill. His Mum thought he had had it as a kid but apparently not."

He could have had it as a child.

I had it at the age of six and again at the age of 26, and it was chicken pox both times.

The second time, I had tonsilitis and my mum brought my bothers kids to visit while they were sick, although I'd asked her not to. She said it was fine as I'd had chicken pox and couldn't catch it twice and their spots were starting to scab anyway.

Obviousy she was wrong, because I did catch it again and was ill with it for weeks, DH caught it from me and was even worse than me as he'd not had it before.

This was just before our wedding and you can see in our photo's that we look slightly patchy. The spots had gone but we both still had faded red patches.

Tistheseason17 · 22/04/2018 11:51

YANBU, OP.
Don't go.
And I'd call the restaurant in case any of their staff are pregnant, You can be considerate even if your in-laws can't..

Hissy · 22/04/2018 12:26

I'm not sure the dh can bring it back with him. I thought you had to be able to catch it for that.

I caught it (age 30) from a colleague whose kids had cp

It was grim!

umizoomi · 22/04/2018 12:31

*I'm sure DH granny will be pleased when she gets shingles which I think is likely
*
No, not likely at all. You cannot catch shingles from someone with CP

But SIL should not be taking an infectious CP child anywhere in public

Happygummibear · 22/04/2018 12:38

Even if you ask the restaurant if someone is pregnant they may have staff who are early pregnant and either don't realise or haven't told anyone yet. Same goes for other patrons.

That child should not be going.

Janek · 22/04/2018 12:59

YANBU Aside from childcare issues, I would do everything I could to avoid a child in nappies getting chicken pox - my dd had it when she was 17 weeks and lots of her spots got horribly infected. The scaring is still quite bad, nine years later.

arewethereyetmum78 · 22/04/2018 13:13

This happened to us at a family bbq. My dds all caught it and the youngest ended up in hospital as she has underlying kidneys problems and it caused complications. Very, very selfish. The couple who brought their pox ridden children never even warned the host, just turned up. So Yanbu at all!

SilverBirchTree · 22/04/2018 13:16

I thought there was a vaccine for this? Why haven’t your children had it, OP?

happymumof4crazykids · 22/04/2018 13:18

This annoys the hell out of me. I know of 2 children who had health problems from getting chicken pox. Most people are unaware of the major complications that can occur. One ended up with reverse myelitis and another had a stroke! While these complications are extremely rare why do people insist on bringing children with these childhood diseases? There is risk to immune suppressed people and pregnant women as well.
I would expect your MIL to tell them not to come and not have a go at me for trying to protect my children!

Jaylabelle · 22/04/2018 13:20

I thought there was a vaccine for this? Why haven’t your children had it, OP?

The vaccine isn't given routinely in the U.K.

Boysnme · 22/04/2018 13:21

SilverBirchTree the chickenpox vaccination is only available privately in the UK.

OP I hope you have gone with your instinct and have kept kids away or insisted your niece isn’t at the lunch.

SilverBirchTree · 22/04/2018 13:22

@jaylabelle my mistake. I’m in another country where everyone has it. I’m surprised it isn’t on the NHS, there is so much public benefit in the chickenpox vaccine being widely available.

Jaylabelle · 22/04/2018 13:36

@SilverBirchTree

This is the reason given by the NHS - they basically think it's safer for society as a whole for there not to be widespread vaccination.

There's a worry that introducing chickenpox vaccination for all children could increase the risk of chickenpox and shingles in adults.
While chickenpox during childhood is unpleasant, the vast majority of children recover quickly and easily. In adults, chickenpox is more severe and the risk of complications increases with age.
If a childhood chickenpox vaccination programme was introduced, people would not catch chickenpox as children because the infection would no longer circulate in areas where the majority of children had been vaccinated.
This would leave unvaccinated children susceptible to contracting chickenpox as adults, when they are more likely to develop a more severe infection or a secondary complication, or in pregnancy, when there is a risk of the infection harming the baby.
We could also see a significant increase in cases of shingles in adults. Being exposed to chickenpox as an adult – for example, through contact with infected children – boosts your immunity to shingles.
If you vaccinate children against chickenpox, you lose this natural boosting, so immunity in adults will drop and more shingles cases will occur.

sadeyedladyofthelowlands63 · 22/04/2018 13:47

A friend of mine had chickenpox in his thirties - he was very, very ill for several weeks.

Your relatives are being mindbogglingly selfish and reckless with other people's health.

YippeeTipTap · 22/04/2018 13:48

I want to know what the OP ended up doing. 🙃

MaggieFS · 22/04/2018 13:56

So what happened?

FizzyGreenWater · 22/04/2018 14:00

Tell your DH to call MIL back.

'Mum it just occurred to me - there may be pregnant women at the restaurant, obviously that's a far worse risk. Do you want me to call the restaurant and warn them that we're bringing a newly contagious child, or do you want to do it?'

Inertia · 22/04/2018 14:11

I would both refuse to go and call the restaurant manager to warn them.

Littlebelina · 22/04/2018 14:13

Someone upthread was asking how shingles reactivates. It is triggered by low immunity ( so often a secondary thing to another infection). Exposure to chicken pox (providing you are healthy of course) can act also as a booster vaccine against you getting shingles as your immune system will recognise the virus and produce more antibodies ready to attack the virus if it reactivates.

This is often one of the reasons stated for not vaccinating against chicken pox in the UK as it might lead to an increase in shingles in the elderly. However there is now a shingles vaccine so they could start giving that as well.

Another reason is that in other countries the chickenpox vaccine is given as part of the MMR (turning it into the mmrv). Given the Wakefield fiasco and the lower intake of the MMR because of that, it is thought introducing a 4 vaccine in the mix would result in more people saying no (esp as chicken pox is seen as a harmless childhood right of passage by some folks who have never seen a really nasty case).

Motoko · 22/04/2018 17:13

@Hygge what did your mum say when you both came down with it? I hope she was suitably contrite and apologised profusely.

So @HopefullyAnonymous did you go in the end? Did your DH ring his sibling and tell them they shouldn't come?

MrsOprah · 22/04/2018 17:48

@Jaylabelle

Brilliantly explained.
Super interesting.
Thanks :)

Hygge · 22/04/2018 18:24

Motoko she just seemed to think it was one of those things she couldn't have predicted, because she thought you can only get them once and she thought everybody had them as children, and that she thought the spots were scabbed over so it would be fine.

She does have form for thinking her way is the only way.