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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for this to make me sad that he's had his head turned?

888 replies

Buttmonkey86 · 21/04/2018 19:28

I think or rather hope I'm being a bit silly. I don't want to bring it up with real life people.

My partner works in a creative environment for a large company. About six months ago he was part responsible for the hiring of a new woman.

I don't think for a second he would ever do anything about this, but he's never mentioned her since. Ever. He talks about some work people but not her. We have a mutual friend who has befriended this woman and says she's lovely, has fabulous style (important there) and is hilarious. She has also mentioned she's seen my partner looking at her a lot and trying to make her laugh. She said she's seen them have a couple of eye contact moments but the woman usually walks away quickly.

I've seen her once in person and she's very pretty. I didn't like the way I saw my partner watching her though, like he couldn't help himself. He didn't know I'd arrived to collect him early and I saw this through the windows.

AIBU to feel sad about this? Like I said, I don't think he'd do anything about her...I just feel down that he's had his head turned. In the five years we've been together this hasn't happened before

OP posts:
Alarecherche · 26/04/2018 12:16

No I agree butt it turns out your good friend was in fact absolutely right to be concerned

Mommasoph30 · 26/04/2018 12:32

I wouldn't be happy with this tbh, its one to watch I think, good job your friend works there she can keep an eye.

Hopefully it will fizzle, We all entitled to LOOK at other people but if the feelings mutual i would actively avoid that person.

Its a tough one I hope you are OK

Delatron · 26/04/2018 14:01

Yes after his answer about the Instagram he needs to accept her so she can see all the family pictures. His answer was unacceptable and I'd have really pulled him up on that.

The problem here is that the feelings are mutual. One sided crushes are fine on the whole (within reason) but when two people feel the same way then we are in to a completely different scenario.

You are not acting jealous. He has feelings for someone else who feels the same way, so much so that they are unable to hide it from the people they work with! One of whom is a mutual friend!

I had a crush on a man at work once. Nobody could tell as I didn't look at him in that way, didn't talk to him more or less than anyone else. Turns out he felt the same way. Both in relationships, I ended up leaving to basically protect my relationship. Not suggesting this but this is a tricky situation, especially as they see each other every day.

He needs to realise it's just a passing fancy. I think getting it out in the open is good.

Lucky6266 · 26/04/2018 14:05

It's not easy for a man to notice a attractive woman. It's fine as long as he just looks.

Lucky6266 · 26/04/2018 14:06

To not notice I mean.

FizzyGreenWater · 26/04/2018 14:07

If he has 'all' other work people on instagram he has to add her. Don't accept no for an answer here.

And he needs to really keep his distance.

lindyhopy · 26/04/2018 14:10

It is shady of him to not want her to see his happy family pictures. However I would be worried about him seeing her Instagram account- seeing her all dolled up on nights out away from work. I would get my friend to tell her to stay the f away from him.

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 26/04/2018 14:55

I hadn't thought of the vice versa on instagram and him looking at her pictures but I suppose he can do that without following her if he wanted to.

With regards to friend telling her to stay away, I don't see what good that would do except make me look sufficiently mental. I can't control his actions, him loving me should do that. With regards to her, she's already said to my friend that he's obviously not an option as he's taken so that'd be pointless. He's left her on requested rather than rejected so I don't know if I even want her seeing our family...it probably sounds silly but that is mine... Sad

OP posts:
IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 26/04/2018 16:02

I don't think accepting her on instagram is a good idea - it creates a link and gives her the ability to nose into your family life, which I would not like. Plus, as lindy said, he'd be seeing all her stuff too. What he needs is distance, not more insight into her life!
If he was my husband, I'd be telling him he has a choice - to avoid her totally outside of necessary work tasks and to focus on his relationship with you or be prepared to lose you.
This limbo where he carries on as before is unacceptable. He has some serious work to do if he wants your relationship to survive. Some women are not too perturbed by crushes on ow, but that isn't you. He knows that so has choices to make.

FizzyGreenWater · 26/04/2018 16:12

My thoughts on the instagram would be that if he has ALL other colleagues on there, not accepting her and her alone makes it obvious that he sees her differently, has an issue, is trying to avoid her/hide his personal life. If he wants to give the message that there is nothing to see here, he needs to treat her the same as other colleagues

Dozer · 26/04/2018 16:16

So you’ve let him know you know and he’s admitted he fancies her. Nothing more you can do - either he’ll be faithful or not.

His stated motivation for not adding her to social media when other colleagues are on there is suspect: her seeing the pics might change her view of him, making his marriage and family a reality.

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 26/04/2018 16:34

Iwanna, as far as both have said, they are doing that (avoiding bar necessity) so I can't really ask any more.

With instagram it probably sounds ridiculous but I don't really want her having a link to our life or seeing our child. That sounds nuts just typing it. Our child goes to nursery at his place of work so it's possible she would see them there anyway

OP posts:
CandiedPeach · 26/04/2018 16:54

Has he reasured you that nothing will happen and that he loves and fancies you?

I know its shit but he’s not doing anything wrong, you can't help finding someone attractive or fancying them. I think him not adding her on instagram is a good thing, it opens up more possibility for conversation “oh i noticed you went to such and such place” that type of thing, plus you can private message on instagram too. I’d say he should delete her request though and make it clear that contact outside of work isn’t going to happen.

It sounds like they’re both trying to distance themselves so that’s good and I really hope it sticks.

Butterymuffin · 26/04/2018 17:48

Oh OP. Have you asked him how he would feel if the situation was in reverse, and you'd told him this story about your feelings about a guy at your work?

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 26/04/2018 17:59

I did say how would he feel etc and he wouldnt like it. He's not disregarding my feelings. I'm just having that there's anyone I need protecting from...

OP posts:
Laiste · 26/04/2018 20:38

I can't control his actions, him loving me should do that.

You're 100% right. But; take heart that his love for you IS in control so far. He's doing the right things re: avoid ect.

I get that it's just ''sad''. I'd be sad too. It's one of those shit little things that deep down you'll probably never forget even if he does! Flowers

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 26/04/2018 21:12

Thanks, Laiste. I don't know if I'm deluding myself but maybe her adding him was the same motivation for her, put herself off by seeing his family?

OP posts:
Laiste · 26/04/2018 21:27

Maybe. Maybe she just lumped him in with the invite to everyone else at work?

I can understand why you don't want her 'seeing' you and your DHs life. I can understand how it feels like an opening another channel between them somehow.

Not sure what i'd want in your shoes. I think i might decide i'd want her to be able to see happy family pictures. See his life outside the bubble of their work place.

Personally, if i fancied someone and was trying to switch it off, seeing pic's of them happy with their wife and kids would definitely help ...

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 26/04/2018 21:31

Same here I think. My friend said she said ideally she wouldn't want a relationship with someone who had a child already so...

OP posts:
Laiste · 26/04/2018 21:42

... so get lots of lovely baby pic's of the three of you posted on there and get him to add her! :)

Sorry, not meaning to make a joke. Just lighthearted.

It must be awkward between you and DH. Is he treating you with love, or trying to ignore it all?

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 26/04/2018 21:57

He feels bad for making me sad but I also feel a bit ridiculous because he hasn't actually done anything...

I'm leaving the instagram thing up to him and I think he'll just do nothing. It might look weirder to accept the add two weeks later?

I did find out something a little odd earlier, both me and this woman share a location of where our families are from abroad. I guess he's got a type.. Confused

OP posts:
House4 · 26/04/2018 22:45

I’ve just read the whole thread and wanted to say I really feel for you OP. I too would be so upset. You sound lovely and very lovely headed. I wouldn’t be in this situation.
It may take a while but I hope it all works out ok xx

Exhaustedly · 26/04/2018 23:16

Oh OP Flowers.

Could he ask to move desks by making up an excuse?

sleepyhead · 26/04/2018 23:46

I hope this woman doesn't think your friend is her friend too. Bit shitty pumping someone for information to feed back like that.

midnightmisssuki · 27/04/2018 00:07

i think he's done nothing wrong - neither has she. I understand youre upset OP - but i think theres not much you can do about it - nothing has been done - he's looked at her. Unless he has form for cheating - you dont have much to worry about, right? And your friend who's digging all this information for you - why is she doing it? You say she means well - if i was the other woman, i would find her line of questioning about your partner odd.

The instagram thing i would put down to him not wanting and insight to his family, maybe he wants some things private? Im like that with my instagram - i dont really have colleagues on there because i dont really want them seeing my family or things we do etc etc.

Good luck OP - and try not to worry.