Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for this to make me sad that he's had his head turned?

888 replies

Buttmonkey86 · 21/04/2018 19:28

I think or rather hope I'm being a bit silly. I don't want to bring it up with real life people.

My partner works in a creative environment for a large company. About six months ago he was part responsible for the hiring of a new woman.

I don't think for a second he would ever do anything about this, but he's never mentioned her since. Ever. He talks about some work people but not her. We have a mutual friend who has befriended this woman and says she's lovely, has fabulous style (important there) and is hilarious. She has also mentioned she's seen my partner looking at her a lot and trying to make her laugh. She said she's seen them have a couple of eye contact moments but the woman usually walks away quickly.

I've seen her once in person and she's very pretty. I didn't like the way I saw my partner watching her though, like he couldn't help himself. He didn't know I'd arrived to collect him early and I saw this through the windows.

AIBU to feel sad about this? Like I said, I don't think he'd do anything about her...I just feel down that he's had his head turned. In the five years we've been together this hasn't happened before

OP posts:
LittleCreature · 24/04/2018 09:55

I totally get where you are coming from. It is not the 'finding someone attractive' part - it is the lingering mutual, eye contact. Your friend obviously noticed that and the 'electricity' between them.

It would bother me too. I think you have done the right thing by mentioning it to him. It might be enough to wake him up and stop him from doing something stupid.

This happens from time to time to everyone I think, but the danger lies in that they work together and see each other a lot.

I get why you are worried. I don't think there is anything more you can do. At the end of the day this is outside of your control.

Dozer · 24/04/2018 11:17

Your post isn’t clear OP, you told him of your friend’s concern, but did you tell him your own observations (never mentioning her, looking at her a lot on the night out) and concerns? (Since your concerns are due to his behaviour)

downthestrada · 24/04/2018 11:26

I would feel sad in your position too OP. It's a weird feeling if they are both attracted to each other and you're left feeling like it's YOU that's stopping them from being together. But, you have to keep in mind that even if they are attracted to each other, a relationship between the two of them could be crap. They are only work colleagues and don't know everything about each other (all the annoying things and bad habits). There is also clearly a lot of value in your relationship with your DP, you have a child and home and have been together for 5 years.

I think it's good that he has not added her on instagram, maybe he feels it would be inappropriate and has decided against it. Him not mentioning her could also be good. I believe my husband's head was turned once, and he had more mentionitis. Wouldn't stop talking about the woman and how clever she was one moment, then how irritating she was the next. He didn't hide communications between the two of them, but I felt they were a bit more enthusiastic then they should have been . He seemed to be managing his crush, so I just let him get on with it (whilst keeping an eye).

Whatshallidonowpeople · 24/04/2018 11:27

It's interesting that be never mentions her, even in passing

BuntyII · 24/04/2018 11:33

Maybe he never mentions her because he has a partner who gets jealous when he looks at a woman Hmm

CackleCrackle · 24/04/2018 11:50

Your friend seems to have called this right op, she seems a good friend. Nothing irretrievable has happened here, you’ve notified him that you’re aware, I’d be inclined to leave it for a while now.

The small children years are tough on relationships, so much harder to be a fascinating person when you have less time to do non work and non child things. Do you have a regular night for going out together just the two of you? This should pass hopefully, it’s usually only the really naive that convince themselves a passing attraction is in fact the real love of their lives.

KeiTeNgeNge · 24/04/2018 12:00

Did you manage to have a proper talk about the situation with him?

Dozer · 24/04/2018 12:16

Bollocks buntyl, there’s no info suggesting that OP is generally jealous.

Ohmydayslove · 24/04/2018 12:26

Mmmm think it’s worrying op snd I completed understand why you are concerned. I would be too Flowers

starray · 24/04/2018 13:22

I think SirVix hit the nail on the head. " I think a crush is usually to do with something in the person with the crush, maybe feeling older or less attractive, or just a bit fed up with life in general." It may be what she represents rather than who she is...after all, he doesn't really know her. An outward manifestation of some inward dissatisfaction with himself, nothing to do with loving you any less.

Sakurasnail · 24/04/2018 13:37

starray but surely by acting such an arse around another woman, he is loving op less, just by virtue of allowing himself to act on an attraction to someone else? It's not a v loving thing to do.

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 25/04/2018 21:37

Sorry, I've not had chance to get back on properly.

Also apologies I wasn't clear reading it back. We spoke and I told him everything and he didn't react ideally but it's not awful I suppose. Without typing word for word, he said he does find her attractive and gets the vibe that it's mutual.

He admitted the eye thing and that they both sort of try to avoid each other because of it. They've never actually had a conversation about it, just surface level stuff and stuff about work. Never been alone together etc

I am gutted that he feels it's enough to have to try and stop himself looking at her. I also feel shit that he didn't think she definitely was attracted to him as he's nearly 10 years older, dad etc and 'I've seen her' so by my telling him about my friends conversation I pretty much confirmed that she is

On the other hand, he did look like he felt shit and was trying to keep boundaries in place :/

OP posts:
SirVixofVixHall · 25/04/2018 21:50

Op you are dealing with this with such dignity and grace. We can be rational and understand that people will inevitably find other people attractive from time to time, and that is just human, but when that is someone you love, and who loves you, it is hard to take. You sound an amazing person.
Babies change relationships, and change us as people. Sometimes I look back and hardly recognise my pre baby self. Mostly that seems a good thing but occasionally i feel a longing to be back in my single pre baby life. In my friends anyway, intense crushes have been a product of that feeling, the longing for the old self , the desire to be seen, rather than just being a parent. Of course for most of us the frisson of attraction is not any substitute for the deep love you have when you’ve shared a life together, dealt with difficult things, parented babies. Crushes fade. Love doesn’t.

AtrociousCircumstance · 25/04/2018 22:15

Did he work hard to make you feel loved and desired during that conversation?

Did he tell you that he could never find anyone as attractive as he finds you?

Did he respect that he has broken something, broken your trust?

It just sounds like he dumped it out and then felt sorry for himself. He needs to work very, very hard to heal you now, because it’s a real wound to trust and a wound to your self esteem. And it’s his job to mend that.

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 25/04/2018 22:15

Thanks Sir. I don't really know how to feel, I don't feel overly graceful lol. We've had a nice evening with my family. But it's such a shit feeling that it's now a reality. I am a little concerned that the attraction will grow

He did say that he didn't accept her as he didn't want her seeing family pictures. It wasnt said in a shady or hurtful way but to me that would be the perfect way to illustrate he's happy

OP posts:
Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 25/04/2018 22:16

I don't think either of us see it as a break of trust as all he's done is look at her. It's still a shit feeling and he obviously gets that

OP posts:
caperberries · 26/04/2018 09:24

OP, could you ask him to accept her follow request on Instagram? As a way of underlining his commitment to you?

MyotherUsernameisaPun · 26/04/2018 09:47

Why is your friend stirring up trouble on the basis of something as flimsy as occasional eye contact? She sounds like the trouble maker here, not your DH.

Alarecherche · 26/04/2018 09:51

Yes it’s easier to have romantic feelings for a married man where you’ve not seen happy photos of his partner and child. Also, he’s drawing attention to himself if all his other work colleagues are on instragram and she’s not.

Cuppaoftea · 26/04/2018 10:05

Yes I agree with pp, he should be adding her to Instagram while continuing to post photos with you and your child. When exchanging pleasantries with her at work he ought to bring you in to the conversation. 'Yep had a great weekend with Butt and child, we went up to x on Sunday to visit Butt's family'. That sort of thing.

This 'attraction' is an escapist fantasy in his head he needs to snap out of and looking like he feels shit about it isn't good enough. He needs to realise remaining in a relationship with you means full commitment and loyalty and working hard to make you feel loved. He's taking you for granted.

The good thing is he now knows you know and will find out if this continues or goes further.

caperberries · 26/04/2018 10:07

Agree, it's good that has admitted the attraction, but now the onus really is on him to demonstrate his commitment to your relationship.

Laiste · 26/04/2018 11:01

His response has been honest and it is obviously uncomfortable for both of you. There's not a lot he can say in his defense and it's good that he hasn't tried. I think it's a good thing that he's been called out at this early point. So awkward though.

he didn't accept her as he didn't want her seeing family pictures.

This would have pissed me off. Did you ask him why? This action is the only thing which shows him actively ''doing'' something either way. It seems he's doing it to keep you separate from this little fantasy he has going on at work her.

MadBadDaddy · 26/04/2018 11:11

"It just sounds like he dumped it out and then felt sorry for himself. He needs to work very, very hard to heal you now, because it’s a real wound to trust and a wound to your self esteem. And it’s his job to mend that."

"Sorry/Flowers/Sorted" is a pretty standard bloke escape tactic to fix a problem without having to understand it or think about it ever again. There is an opportunity for more understanding here, if you want it, or you could just agree to draw a line. The power is all yours, right now.

downthestrada · 26/04/2018 11:42

he didn't accept her as he didn't want her seeing family pictures.

I'm not sure about this. It looks like he only wants her to think of himself as single or how she sees him at work. Perhaps he doesn't want her thinking about you are your family. I understand why you feel shit.

He needs to understand that this will have affected you and that it won't go away straight away.

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 26/04/2018 11:50

To those saying my friend is a troublemaker, please read the actual thread. That is not the case for the umpteenth time

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread