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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for this to make me sad that he's had his head turned?

888 replies

Buttmonkey86 · 21/04/2018 19:28

I think or rather hope I'm being a bit silly. I don't want to bring it up with real life people.

My partner works in a creative environment for a large company. About six months ago he was part responsible for the hiring of a new woman.

I don't think for a second he would ever do anything about this, but he's never mentioned her since. Ever. He talks about some work people but not her. We have a mutual friend who has befriended this woman and says she's lovely, has fabulous style (important there) and is hilarious. She has also mentioned she's seen my partner looking at her a lot and trying to make her laugh. She said she's seen them have a couple of eye contact moments but the woman usually walks away quickly.

I've seen her once in person and she's very pretty. I didn't like the way I saw my partner watching her though, like he couldn't help himself. He didn't know I'd arrived to collect him early and I saw this through the windows.

AIBU to feel sad about this? Like I said, I don't think he'd do anything about her...I just feel down that he's had his head turned. In the five years we've been together this hasn't happened before

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StarlightSparkle · 27/04/2018 06:15

He doesn’t mind other colleagues seeing his family pics but not her? That is a little odd, like he doesn’t want to remind her that he’s in a committed relationship with a child. I understand your comment about not wanting her seeing details of your life though.

He needs to be really clear about boundaries with this woman. No email chats / WhatsApp, etc. Strictly work talk only. I know from bitter experience that them being in a marriage/ committed relationship with kids isn’t enough to stop some women going after work colleagues they fancy.

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 27/04/2018 12:32

As I said, he said that they both try and avoid each other bar the odd conversation. I dont know if that makes it worse though, that they BOTH feel the need to avoid/not look at each other? Would that build it up more?

Ive just found out he's having to go into work tomorrow and she will be there too (as will others) but I wish he didn't have to

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Mommasoph30 · 27/04/2018 13:08

He has to work with this woman, so you going to have to deal with that HE WILL bump into her and see her.

Its sucks hes admitting to fancying her, How is your sex life? and well ur general relationship are you concerned.

Has he tried to make you feel at ease about it all?

I suppose we are not suppose to know who our other halfs fancy in real life so that would be a tough pill to swallow

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 27/04/2018 14:50

Can he transfer to a different dept? Or look for a new job. I think avoiding her might mean doing something more than just not talking, if they are in a situation where working together is a frequent occurance.

Laiste · 27/04/2018 16:36

It's worse that they both 'have' to do the avoiding thing, yes. It's all a bit 'we're so attracted but we have to keep apart' - painful romantic drama - vom.

I imagine the fact that you've talked about the situation with him is enough to pour a bit of cold water on it. His side at least. Kind of brings it all down to cold hard reality and less of the airy fairy fantasy.

Horrible isn't it? Bit of a catch 22. Sort of thing you'd want to know about, but can't do anything about, so wish you didn't know, but worry if it's only your knowing (and speaking up) which has put a stop to it.

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 27/04/2018 16:38

IWanna, he loves his job and has just got promoted. Its a niche place so not ssomething you can chop and change into. Plus on the basis of so far, I'd never ask him to do that

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amateursleuth · 27/04/2018 17:01

It might be a job change though that stops it going further that it has 'so far'. Do you want to be wondering about what they are doing during the work day for years to come?

My ex had an affair with someone he worked with. One of the better things he did afterwards when we were trying to patch it up was to say he would need to look for a new job, which he did.

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 27/04/2018 17:23

I dont want circumstance to be the thing that keeps my relationship safe, thats his job

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Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 27/04/2018 18:56

That's exactly it, Laiste. I think that's the bit that's sticking in my head.

I don't really know what to think at the moment as we had our talk yesterday /day before... And now friend has text me saying he spent a lot of time in her room today. Appeared to be a valid reason but could have had the meeting with just managers rather than in that room with others including her in there. (my fault, I asked friend to tell me of anything unusual). My friend overhead that it was my partners decision to have it there. I don't really know what to think...especially after our talk

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Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 27/04/2018 18:56

And sorry, to answer those questioning what our relationship is like in general, good I would say. He's not being any less loving or anything

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Cuppaoftea · 27/04/2018 19:20

It's worse that they both 'have' to do the avoiding thing, yes. It's all a bit 'we're so attracted but we have to keep apart' - painful romantic drama - vom.

This. OP you have the understanding and patience of a saint. I know you say you don't think he's done anything wrong but I disagree, he has basically told you he would ask her out if it wasn't for you.

And I'm betting she knew her comment to your friend that she's attracted to him but knows he's not an option (while she spends her days flirtatiously holding his gaze) would get back to you.

He's taking the absolute piss and thank goodness for your loyal friend or you wouldn't even know things had got to this stage. I'm betting she tries to minimise what she tells you so as not to hurt your feelings too much.

If this was my DH I'd be telling him I was putting our child in a different nursery and to look for a new job if he wanted us to stay together. I know you say his is a niche creative role, mine's in that sort of job too but at the end of the day it's a job. You are his partner and the mother of his child, he ought to be prioritising you.

Starting with adding her on Instagram to see lots of recent loved up photos with you because if she sees him dropping off your child at the nursery there anyway it's you he doesn't want her to see and that's not acceptable.

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 27/04/2018 19:27

I don't think he's done nothing as such, more not something to jeopardise our income. He worked really hard to get to his current role after the initial place we met.

Do you think he wouldn't mind her seeing our child, Cuppoftea?

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Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 27/04/2018 19:27

From the sound of today, he's not actively avoiding either

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Sunflowerhappy · 27/04/2018 19:35

I just couldn't tolerate this.
He has to work with her near enough everyday. The insecurity it will bring is unbearable to think about. When you want to sit in your dressing gown ,No make up on or hair a mess and he only sees her done up to the nines at work and only sees the generous creative funny side.
He is trying to hide you from her. He hasn't accepted her on Instagram because he wants to hide his happy family photos. If her Instagram is public then he can already see her photos so no other reason to decline the request.
I think I'd want to put a lot of space between us in your shoes...see if he comes running to you or is reined in by the other woman. Then I would have my answer but I'm sorry I couldn't just sit and put up with it.
There are attractive guys at my work that I chat to all the time and work with and I would never even think about hiding my family or even be slightly interested in them. I can see a woman and think oh your pretty just like a guy I can think oh your handsome but I wouldn't actively fancy them or stare at them longingly while I am in a long term relationship.

Cuppaoftea · 27/04/2018 19:41

She knows he's a Father and I was presuming she sees him with your child if the nursery is at his workplace. So I'd say it's pictures with you he's trying to keep separate yes. As pp have said nothing pours cold water on this sort of fantasy attraction like being confronted with a partner/wife.

I get why you want to keep family Instagram photos private. My DH keeps his strictly business images, no photos of me and the kids at my request as he links up with colleagues both here and abroad. But if all your DP's other colleagues are viewing them then why not her.

If he's worked so hard to get where he is now I'm amazed he's jeopardising that by acting so unprofessionally. Your friend won't be the only one noticing what's going on.

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 27/04/2018 19:47

I have one positive of the day. My friend said woman was offered a change of hours so she'd be working exactly the same hours as him and she said no. Tiny bonus there

How do you mean put space between us, Cuppa?

That's right regarding the nursery being there. Not sure if she's seen our child or not but when I spoke to him I asked if she knew he has a child and he said he had never mentioned it (but only talk about work stuff on the odd occasion they do speak properly)

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JiminyBillyBob · 27/04/2018 19:53

If my DH admitted to fancying someone so much that he had to actively avoid her I’d be telling him to fuck off and crack on.

I’m sure they both feel heroic with all this self control they’re exhibiting but predict that next it’ll be “We just couldn’t help ourselves/it was bigger than both of us” blah blah 🙄

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 27/04/2018 19:58

He's not acting like he doesn't care, thoughJiminy

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Cuppaoftea · 27/04/2018 20:01

How do you mean put space between us, Cuppa?

I didn't phrase that well. I meant he wants to hide from her how happy he is with you.

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 27/04/2018 20:07

I think that's what Im struggling with. We ARE happy but I've always believed that if you're truly happy you're not looking elsewhere even without initially intending to

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Cuppaoftea · 27/04/2018 20:15

I believe the same butt.

I'd be very upset that after you talked he's taken the confirmation she's attracted to him and seemingly engineered a way to be close to her at work today.

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 27/04/2018 20:21

Its possible I'm being mental with this but I don't actually think he's conscious of what he's doing. He's genuinely sorry not fake sorry and was being sincere with me. I think he thinks because he's not going to do anything (beyond look) it's sort of ok

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Alarecherche · 27/04/2018 20:22

sometimes being a grown up isn’t all it’s cracked up to be - he could be doing more to reassure you that this was just a silly blip.

I do think, even happily loved up people, sometimes have escapist fantasies about how much better that other person would be but it’s simple idealisation of another person that they think would fix them/their perceived problems - castles in the air and hopefully he’ll realise he’s being foolish.

Having small children is often a difficult point in any relationship because it is so totally different to pre dc.

Laiste · 27/04/2018 20:27

OP; your friend said that work woman doesn't want a relationship with a bloke with kids. I'm wondering now if this was in response to questions about your DH directly? Or general chit chat?

I have to agree with pp about the anger. After the sadness i'd start to feel really pissed off i think. I know he's said he ''feels bad for making [you] sad'' ect, but you have been put in an almost impossible position here.

Do you feel this is still up for discussion with him easily, or do you feel bringing it up will stir up anger? I think i'd be sitting down with him and asking him to genuinely put himself in your shoes:

  • you fancy a bloke at work and it's reciprocated to the extent that his friend has clocked it. You and this bloke see each other every day and the pair of you are trying to avoid each other for fear of ... (well DH can fill that bit in, he's the one who feels he needs to avoid the woman).

Get DH to tell you honestly how HE would cope with the above. What would he be feeling? What would he be asking of you?

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 27/04/2018 20:31

That was kind of part of our talk the other night and he said it would be horrendous. Does what I said about because he knows in his head he's not going to do anything it makes it sort of ok to look and talk to her?

He reassured me he loves me and we do still sleep together regularly

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