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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for this to make me sad that he's had his head turned?

888 replies

Buttmonkey86 · 21/04/2018 19:28

I think or rather hope I'm being a bit silly. I don't want to bring it up with real life people.

My partner works in a creative environment for a large company. About six months ago he was part responsible for the hiring of a new woman.

I don't think for a second he would ever do anything about this, but he's never mentioned her since. Ever. He talks about some work people but not her. We have a mutual friend who has befriended this woman and says she's lovely, has fabulous style (important there) and is hilarious. She has also mentioned she's seen my partner looking at her a lot and trying to make her laugh. She said she's seen them have a couple of eye contact moments but the woman usually walks away quickly.

I've seen her once in person and she's very pretty. I didn't like the way I saw my partner watching her though, like he couldn't help himself. He didn't know I'd arrived to collect him early and I saw this through the windows.

AIBU to feel sad about this? Like I said, I don't think he'd do anything about her...I just feel down that he's had his head turned. In the five years we've been together this hasn't happened before

OP posts:
questionsandquestions · 21/04/2018 23:09

Sorry you are having to deal with this. Your radar is going off, whether from what you saw through the window or your friend, and now from him being a bit cagey "what's with all the questions?"

How are you going to deal with it now? I'd follow the advice to try and chat explicitly about it "I think you might fancy her, I get it, but please remember we have a good thing, you, me and the kiddo, and if you do anything about it, I'll know. I love you, I fancy you, I'm here for the ups and downs" etc.

Good luck. It's so easy to say try not to obsess and worry, and so hard to make yourself move your mind away, but my fingers are crossed you find a bit of peace after this.

Cuppaoftea · 21/04/2018 23:18

How are you going to deal with it now? I'd follow the advice to try and chat explicitly about it "I think you might fancy her, I get it, but please remember we have a good thing, you, me and the kiddo, and if you do anything about it, I'll know. I love you, I fancy you, I'm here for the ups and downs" etc.

I think that's great advice from questions.

Also agree with pp that for your friend to effectively risk your longstanding friendship by bringing this up she has to have serious concerns something is happening between them or is about to.

EssexMummy123456 · 21/04/2018 23:32

I really disagree with the last two posts, if you say to him I understand you might fancy her, that's like giving him permission.

You are probably naive to think he would never do anything.

But that doesn't mean you can't turn his head back in your direction.

bellsbuss · 21/04/2018 23:52

I have never been unfaithful in 21 years , have I ever looked at other men and found them attractive yes. Has OH looked at other women and found them attractive yes. It's very rare that i catch him looking at another woman but i would be very naive to think he would never find another woman attractive. He is very attractive and the mums at school go funny around him but I trust him unless he ever gave me reason not to. Sounds to me he's just had his head but hast done anything about it

Phuquocdreams · 22/04/2018 08:42

Oh my god, why is your friend stirring like this? Why did she ask that question and then tell you about it? Also if I was the woman at work - I’ve had short conversations abou attractive men in the workplace, I would be fairly embarrassed if I was asked a leading question like that and then his wife was told!

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 22/04/2018 08:49

Getting married is not good advice. It doesn't protect you from affairs. It does gives you legal protection if you are a sahp, but no one should go into it because they think their dp's head is being turned - it should be because you really want to.

DaphneduM · 22/04/2018 09:13

Do you wonder why he hasn't asked you to marry him? You have the bond of a child and home together, you don't have to wait for him to ask you - why don't you bring up the subject? Depending on his response, you will have your answer as to the future of your relationship. Also be very careful to confine this to your relationship, and ignore this other woman, otherwise if you're not careful, with questioning and your doubt of your partner, you will create a self-fulfilling prophesy.

SirVixofVixHall · 22/04/2018 13:12

I agree with PinotMwah. I don’t see any other reason for a trusty, reliable friend to say something so hurtful to you unless she was really worried about what was going on. I certainly wouldn’t tell a friend if I saw her partner looking appreciatively at another woman, what would be the point of that ? Everyone looks at someone with appreciation at some point. Even very mild and clearly friendly flirting would seem normal and harmless to me. It would have to be serious for me to hint to a friend that there was a mutual attraction. Your friend is telling you as clearly as she can that your partner and this colleague have an obvious mutual attraction that’s noticeable to others, is she worried they are having an affair or falling towards one ? I would ask her to clarify why she told you, but be prepared for her to be cagey, it is difficult being the bearer of bad news like this. Then I would try and talk to him again, being completely open, it isn’t unreasonable to want clear reassurance , under the circs.

Olympiathequeen · 22/04/2018 14:08

He’s clearly got a crush on this woman and it’s very hurtful, of course. Unless she was willing I don’t think he will do anything about it and maybe not even then.

We all feel attractive to other people sometimes despite a happy marriage/partnership.

I think it’s so hurtful because your self esteem is low. Maybe do something for yourself that makes you feel good. Join a club. Meet other people and gain a better perspective on yourself.

Perhaps he sees in this woman an attractive assured person, so maybe work on feeling more secure and assure yourself.

Sakurasnail · 22/04/2018 14:28

Finding her attractive doesn't actually mean he fancies her either.
Maybe, but watching her a lot and trying to make her laugh a lot does show quite a level of interest in mutual interaction.

I would also second the advice to discuss this explicitly with him. It's fine to let him know you are aware he probably finds her attractive, but let him be in no doubt about what you would find acceptable or not, and exactly what he is putting on the line if he continues down that path. In my experience one of the first excuses is that they didn't think there was anything wrong in (insert dodgy behaviour here) because they weren't thinking of it in that way. Don't let him be in a position to pretend ignorance. He knows exactly what he's doing.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 22/04/2018 15:21

Yes, I agree with that too. I don't think it hurts to tell him what he stands to lose if he goes down this route and that you were very hurt to see him looking at her in this way.

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 22/04/2018 18:37

Er, my self esteem is fine thanks. I'm 'secure and assured' in myself too cheers Hmm my finding it hurtful as you put it is down to it being shit rather than anything to do with me

I'll read and reply properly once I'm home :)

OP posts:
Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 23/04/2018 21:58

Sorry for a reply later than I said, I've had a weird day. I spoke more to my friend in person and got her to explain a bit more about her conversation with woman. Upshot is, she finds my dp attractive and is trying to stay professional etc because she knows he's not an option. One thing I didn't know before is that she added him on instagram. Friend said she added a few people at once and all accepted but him. Which she found odd but not a major deal as still being the same in person

So. That was that. And I thought the instagram thing was weird too as he has loads of work people on there. So when we got home, I brought it up. I told him the truth about my friend talking to her and mentioning instagram (it was longer than that but no point typing out all that).

The only thing I could think of was he didn't want her seeing what's on there - lots of pictures of us and our child. Can you think of another reason?

OP posts:
Delatron · 23/04/2018 22:06

Or he's trying to keep some distance with her? I think it's a good thing that he didn't accept her request but not good that she added him!

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 23/04/2018 22:10

Just to add, it's an arty environment so most work people she photos of work/projects on instagram and he has all other people from work on there, the ones who use it anyway. I'm going to talk to him soon

OP posts:
ProfessorPickles · 23/04/2018 22:15

I can't decide whether I think the Instagram thing is good or bad.
Good in that he's keeping distance, bad in that she's important enough to need to be distanced from? I'd like to think it isn't because of pictures of you and your DC though

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 23/04/2018 22:31

I think that's it, professor. I can't decide if Its good or bad. It just seems bizarre that he's left her as requested and in limbo rather than denied completely... But also not accepted and he's on there a lot

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 23/04/2018 22:31

The refusing to accept her on instagram I'd see as a good thing..
but you don't seem to see it that way.

I might be more worried about her finding him attractive and he obviously does too.

Would he be able to resist if she made a pass? Who knows. If his boundaries drop...it could be a problem ...but you raising it will probably make him realise it's not worth it...Because your friend has noticed.

PetulantPolecat · 23/04/2018 23:46

Bad.

Sakurasnail · 24/04/2018 01:21

Not sure I'd think not accepting her on Instagram was a positive thing. If they both have plenty of other work contacts on there its proof that he thinks of/treats her differently to how he thinks of his other work colleagues. If it's because he fancies her, surely it's a good thing she sees his happy family on there and he should be completely happy with that as an added reminder/barrier not to get involved with her inappropriately iykwim? So it seems to me by not accepting he's acknowledged the attraction but not wanted to put the stops on anything progressing.

CadyHeron · 24/04/2018 01:27

Not read all the pages, but....
We have a mutual friend who has befriended this woman and says she's lovely, has fabulous style (important there) and is hilarious. She has also mentioned she's seen my partner looking at her a lot and trying to make her laugh. She said she's seen them have a couple of eye contact moments but the woman usually walks away quickly.
Friend? Sounds like a total shit stirrer to me,sorry.
You say he's had his head turned.How has he? Going on your OP it doesn't say that he has at all.

HelenaDove · 24/04/2018 01:28

a shit stirrer that has waited a whole decade to stir the shit?

CadyHeron · 24/04/2018 01:40

Instead, use it to spur yourself on to make yourself turn his head again. There is a massive emphasis on MN about not having to compete etc but only you can honestly say if you have let yourself go and if so, maybe up your game a bit.

Just catching up on the thread but just had to stop and say FUCK THATTTT lol!
Been with DH over 20 years who still regularly tells me he still wants me/I'm gorgeous etc.
There's about 4 stone he's not legally married to and after two kids I've definitely let myself go looks wise as I just can't be arsed.
Doesn't matter to him though.
Why does the woman have to spur themselves on and make themselves pretty to make the man interested?! Does that work both ways if DH has put on some timber, gone bald and got old since we got together lol?

Whyarealltheusernamestaken · 24/04/2018 01:42

Either he’s cheating or you are jealous, neither is good for a relationship. If you don’t trust him he once it will happen again and again..even if he’s the nicest bloke on earth

Sakurasnail · 24/04/2018 02:02

If you don’t trust him he once it will happen again and again..even if he’s the nicest bloke on earth
Pardon?