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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for this to make me sad that he's had his head turned?

888 replies

Buttmonkey86 · 21/04/2018 19:28

I think or rather hope I'm being a bit silly. I don't want to bring it up with real life people.

My partner works in a creative environment for a large company. About six months ago he was part responsible for the hiring of a new woman.

I don't think for a second he would ever do anything about this, but he's never mentioned her since. Ever. He talks about some work people but not her. We have a mutual friend who has befriended this woman and says she's lovely, has fabulous style (important there) and is hilarious. She has also mentioned she's seen my partner looking at her a lot and trying to make her laugh. She said she's seen them have a couple of eye contact moments but the woman usually walks away quickly.

I've seen her once in person and she's very pretty. I didn't like the way I saw my partner watching her though, like he couldn't help himself. He didn't know I'd arrived to collect him early and I saw this through the windows.

AIBU to feel sad about this? Like I said, I don't think he'd do anything about her...I just feel down that he's had his head turned. In the five years we've been together this hasn't happened before

OP posts:
Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 22/05/2018 20:59

Laiste, thanks. I appreciate the other contexts

They haven't admitted feelings for each other to each other, just that they find each other attractive to me/him and woman/mutual friend.

But that doesnt really matter I guess. So you'd take that as an invitation for something to actually happen rather than messing around?

OP posts:
Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 22/05/2018 21:00

It does, Cuppa, with her taking it that way too

OP posts:
Lazypoolday · 22/05/2018 21:01

Absolutely, in short. That may seem crazy to some, but I couldn't continue in a relationship without that being the exact situation. If I 'do' anything more than I already have, then I'll always wonder what if...Or would he stay out of obligation/guilt

Or if you make aware in no uncertain terms what he is risking he will put an end to it, not out of obligation or guilt but because he has seen sense and he wants to keep his family together?

How long do you want to obsess about this? It's not going to just go away. IMO you need to draw a line, tell him what will happen if he crosses it and let him make that choice.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 22/05/2018 21:28

Have you actually spelled out to him how incredibly hurt and anxious you are feeling? I get the impression you haven't, and if he's not aware of how serious the situation is you risk setting him up to fail. You want him not to cross an ill-defined line that he may not be aware is even there. And frankly the immediate issue is not what he does or doesn't say to or do with this woman that you or he consider innocent or inappropriate, it's that you are worried and he needs to reassure you,

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 22/05/2018 21:36

He's definitely aware of consequences. We'd talked about this years ago and despite some of his actions I've posted about, he's not a complete idiot. He doesn't need his hand held to not flirt with another woman

Apologies if my tone is sharper, I've just spoken to mutual who has given me more context for the email. Woman was asking to change job role after the client joins them and my partner got her a meeting with the head of the gallery (he's second or third in line) the same day which never happens. Friend also said woman said the meeting was odd as it was the three of them and my partner said nothing at all and was being weird not looking at her at all and that the meeting has had a positive outcome for her. On one hand I'm?! On the other it may just be him doing his job as a manager

OP posts:
BettyBooJustDoinTheDoo · 22/05/2018 22:04

Thing is this could rumble on for months and months and you will still be in exactly the same position you are now, constant angst, not a good way to live. You really should take on board what Lazypoolday has said for your own well being.

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 22/05/2018 22:07

I've already addressed that in the post above

OP posts:
ChinkChink · 22/05/2018 22:21

My first comment on the thread, though I have been following with sympathy.

This comment from @Luisa27 struck me as worthy of attention:

I know you’ve said your friend is totally genuine and only has your best interests at heart, but are you 100% sure this is the case? I’ve been thinking about this a lot and I don’t think I’d behave as she’s is...just my view, but her behaviour seems a bit ‘off’ to me

If I was your good friend I don't think I'd be relaying every event, every nuance to you. The things she is telling you about are torturing you. I think in her place, from the off, I'd have been letting HIM know that I'd seen the eye contact etc - perhaps made a light joke of it just to give him the chance to wake up to himself. I can just about make a case for someone getting an ego boost when there's been a mutual attraction, but that shouldn't be the start of continued flirtation, as this may have turned into.

From DP's point of view, I wonder whether what goes through his head, the logic he applies, is that he knows in his own mind that he is not going to take things any further than office flirting, so what's the harm in indulging in an ego boost when no one's getting hurt [as far as he knows]? He's aware of your concerns but he's not actually DOING anything wrong [in his mind] and won't. The fact that it's disrespectful to you perhaps he squares that what the head doesn't know the heart won't grieve over.

We have to think of desired outcomes in order to develop a strategy, but that's very difficult here. You very wisely said you wouldn't want him to stop all this because he'd been told to stop, or because he knew he'd been found out. It has to be his decision - to wake up to himself and realise this [what he thinks of as] harmless flirtation is just unacceptable when in a committed relationship, and to step back.

So unfortunately OP, I don't think there's anything you can actively DO, apart from decide how long you'll wait for him to wake up to himself.

But do give some thought to why your friend started telling you this stuff, and why she continues.

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 22/05/2018 22:29

Because she's my friend of over a decade. She's not enjoying this or trying to hurt me in any way, shape or form

OP posts:
Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 22/05/2018 22:29

And because I ask her

OP posts:
Luisa27 · 22/05/2018 22:29

Why does the woman keep telling your friend all this Butt - she knows she’s good friends with you right?
It’s just all very incestuous.

Luisa27 · 22/05/2018 22:30

Sorry crossed post there...

timeisnotaline · 22/05/2018 22:33

rat puts things really well.

Luisa27 · 22/05/2018 23:29

It’s just hit me....Butt I know what it is that’s been making me feel uneasy about your friend...

You’ve been good friends for over a decade, right? And this woman started working with her and DP 6 months ago?

This is the crux of it for me...if I were your good friend of over a decade, and this woman arrived and began to flirt/simper with your DP and then proceeded to tell me things like - she’s attracted to him, she’s not going to hold back anymore blah blah blah - I’d tell her to show some fucking respect for my friend of over a decade and her 3 year old DC...in no uncertain terms. What I wouldn’t do is ‘befriend her’ and actively chat to her re: her feelings for my friends DP? I think it’s really ‘off’ and that’s what makes me wonder why the hell
is she relaying all this shit to you? It’ll drive you insane Butt.

One more point - as ChinkChink said - if I was your friend I’d have been saying to your DP at the very beginning of all this simpering public courtship - “do you realise what an utter cock you look swooning all over (woman) - everyone’s laughing at you - get a grip ffs” I know you said you didn’t want her to do this - but what I’m saying is - your friend should have done this BEFORE it even came to your attention
Sorry to ramble on Butt - I do think you’re really lovely and feel cross on your behalf

twattymctwatterson · 22/05/2018 23:57

I agree with PP. This woman has essentially told your good friend that she's open to an affair with your partner and your good friend of 10 years is still friendly with her?

ConferenceBores · 23/05/2018 00:07

Having a friend you can ask for information is like having access to an email account you can’t help checking, since it’s not conclusive, it is dragging you down. I’d stop asking her and tell her only to let you know if she has reason to believe there’s a physical affair going on, if that’s the line.

The head space this is taking up when there’s no resolution must be so wearing.

ConferenceBores · 23/05/2018 00:09

Op may not necessarily know if mutual friend has warned off the female work colleague of interest, to give her the benefit of the doubt. A warning off won’t do much good anyway although it’d make the mutual friend feel better.

Luisa27 · 23/05/2018 00:12

....from what Butt has said, I don’t think the friend has done this Conference

Luisa27 · 23/05/2018 00:12

But who knows?

caperberries · 23/05/2018 05:15

Sounds like the friend is running with the fox & hunting with the hounds. I agree that she could have shown more loyalty to you by distancing herself from this woman when she revealed she was after your partner

sofato5miles · 23/05/2018 05:53

I have read all your posts ButtMonket and feel so sorry for you.

My take on it is that you are very perceptive and slightly paralysed and leads me to think you need to take control. At the moment this is eating you away inside and making you feel awful and unstable.

My advice would be: be straight and say that you are aware that something has changed and that she is a direct threat on your family. He Is being foolish and disrespectful.

He is taking you for granted and that has to stop immediately.

PinotMwah · 23/05/2018 06:27

Echoing what sofa has said, and others. With apologies if this sounds brutal: this is a horrendous situation for you OP and I can't imagine what you are going through.

At the moment you are paralysed with fear and anxiety and this is making you behave in a strangely passive way which is not going to help you.

You said higher up, if I've understood you correctly, that you didn't want to be the one to create a catalyst here because you would always wonder what could have been if you were the instigator of the end of the relationship.

It's totally understandable that you don't want to throw your relationship away without serious thought. But this ship may already have sailed.

Your reluctance to face this head on is slowly eroding all the power you have over the situation and your relationship and will erode your happiness and self respect. Somebody else said upthread that you seem to be waiting for him to cross a line in order for you to act: he's very unlikely to cross this line in a blatant way -- by refusing to act you are tacitly telling him its OK to carry on with this below the radar "will they, won't they" thing as long as they don't get caught. This is spot on. He knows you're unhappy, knows he's crossed a line already. And to be totally brutal the longer this goes on the less happy you will be and therefore less attractive to him.

It's now gone beyond the point of "wait and see". He needs to make a commitment, if he's ready to do so, to put clear water between himself and this woman, if necessary by moving jobs or by instigating something at work which will allow more distance. If he's not ready to do this you need to be prepared to leave.

Otherwise this is going to drag on indefinitely and you're in this awful situation of relying on a mutual friend to spy on him. It's no way to live, OP and you've got to bring this to a conclusion. Stop being passive about this and get a grip on it. And I mean this with deep sympathy and respect.

silverstarling1 · 23/05/2018 07:25

I dissagree about the friend thing, if it was me in that situation I would expect my close friend to tell me every detail. I would do thanything same back. I would be pretty mad if she knew details like this (small or not) and didn’t tell me

Luisa27 · 23/05/2018 07:28

Silver....but would you also expect your close friend to become friends with this woman and discuss her feelings for your DP??

TattyCat · 23/05/2018 07:35

Op, please be careful with the "give him enough rope and see what he does with it" stance. That's what I did - I trusted my fiance absolutely - why wouldn't I?

Had I been given a heads-up that all was not well in my camp, I'd have stopped anything before it had a chance to escalate. He knew my position on cheating, we'd discussed it several times over the years, and yet still betrayed me.

We're still together although the wedding has been cancelled. I don't know that I can work through it, it's early days. But I wish I could wind the clock back and do something to stop it happening in the first place; it's wrecked everything.