Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for this to make me sad that he's had his head turned?

888 replies

Buttmonkey86 · 21/04/2018 19:28

I think or rather hope I'm being a bit silly. I don't want to bring it up with real life people.

My partner works in a creative environment for a large company. About six months ago he was part responsible for the hiring of a new woman.

I don't think for a second he would ever do anything about this, but he's never mentioned her since. Ever. He talks about some work people but not her. We have a mutual friend who has befriended this woman and says she's lovely, has fabulous style (important there) and is hilarious. She has also mentioned she's seen my partner looking at her a lot and trying to make her laugh. She said she's seen them have a couple of eye contact moments but the woman usually walks away quickly.

I've seen her once in person and she's very pretty. I didn't like the way I saw my partner watching her though, like he couldn't help himself. He didn't know I'd arrived to collect him early and I saw this through the windows.

AIBU to feel sad about this? Like I said, I don't think he'd do anything about her...I just feel down that he's had his head turned. In the five years we've been together this hasn't happened before

OP posts:
ReallyWTF · 18/05/2018 17:16

Hope you have a decent weekend OP. You going to spend time together as a family?

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 18/05/2018 19:33

Thanks. We're going out for the day either sat or sun.

I don't know what to think now. Apparently she was in on Monday and there was total avoidance on his part so friend thought great, he's pulled his head out of a certain orifice. Then today she was back and they were talking /eye contact back and overheard a conversation about animals. But not the walk into stuff type of transfixed

I really don't know what to think. Does it sound like he's going back and forth?

OP posts:
Sweetpea55 · 18/05/2018 19:48

They're strongly attracted to each other aren't they. They must be having an affair or if not soon will be

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 18/05/2018 20:03

Buttmonkey, it sounds to me as if they're being careful - very careful. They know they're being observed by your friend, I'd bank on that.

If I were an OW-in-waiting (and I was an OW once), absenting myself from my affair-partner-to-be would make the heart grow fonder, and I'd know that. It's all reading a little too 'Romeo and Juliet' from their perspective; walking into pillars, looking up when he hears her heels, WTF?

He's already gone in spirit, his body is trudging along - but wholly, he's disrespecting you.

That's what I think anyway.

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 18/05/2018 20:14

So you don't think he's going back and forth being attracted to her vs thinking wtf am I doing?

OP posts:
Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 18/05/2018 20:18

Regarding the above behaviour

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 18/05/2018 20:29

No, Butt, I don't. He's already had that stage, been through it.

I'll ask you though - do you think that he's really (in the last few days/week or so) made you feel as if you're the only woman for him? Made you feel as if he had mentally reconnected with you? I ask because if you can say that that's how you feel he's been with you then maybe it's 'done' and he's over it.

From what you've posted though, I'd say that he's not really vacillating now, just working it through in his mind but not in a WTF way.

I don't know him - and I don't know you. Your friend knows both of you. What is her view when you ask that same question? If you haven't asked her then perhaps do ask her?

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 18/05/2018 20:53

How do you mean already had that stage? He's never ignored her before

'do you think that he's really (in the last few days/week or so) made you feel as if you're the only woman for him? Made you feel as if he had mentally reconnected with you?'

No, but thats only because there's been no change with me anyway so no 're connection'.

'From what you've posted though, I'd say that he's not really vacillating now, just working it through in his mind but not in a WTF way.'

Can you explain? I might be being dense, I'm very tired

OP posts:
Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 18/05/2018 21:21

Sweetpea55 does what I just post that make you think that or everything?

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 18/05/2018 21:23

That's what I mean Butt, beforehand they were a bit star-gazey and now they're pointedly not if you see what I mean?

Please don't think that my thoughts count for anything but your thread has made me a bit uneasy because I know how these things can quickly slide out of control.

Your partner seems a bit of an adept 'handler' of you - and I'm getting that from what you've posted, what you've said about his responses to you - he's tricky. In your mind (from what you've posted), he's a bit of an 'innocent' and 'genuine' but if he were that, he'd have said to you by now, "Butt, I've been an arse, and I'm sorry, you mean more", but he's not doing that.

He's treating you the same as he always has - but he knows that he's changed things lately, made you unhappy and wrong-footed because of his behaviour with this woman. If he were innocent, genuine - or sorry - he'd be showing you that, and he isn't, is he?

I don't know about this other woman (I won't refer to her as an OW because she's not - so far), she may be very uncomfortable with your partner's attentions - or she may be complicit and happily egging him on or at least participating willingly.

What I meant by 'he's not vacillating' is that he's already done the star-gazey thing and either it's worked for him or it hasn't - but he's still not making you feel as if you're the only woman in his life - and you'd think he'd be doing that.

If I were in your shoes (and I have been), I'd have my Plan B, my 'war chest' all ready. You may never need it but this man isn't making me feel confident for your future with him. You deserve somebody who doesn't cause you to post anguished threads about your relationship. You really do sound very nice, Butt, and strong too.

Ask your friend for her views from YOUR perspective, if she were in YOUR shoes, viewing their interactions, how would she feel? You obviously trust her so ask her. She knows your partner and she knows this other woman - and she knows you. That's more than any of us here can know and it's really easy for posters to blithely post based on nothing more than nuances because we're not at the sharp end - you are.

If you're tired then it must be even harder to take all this in, have to deal with all this on top of your day-to-day stuff. I know it sounds trite but if you can have a bath and get an early-ish night, it might be the best thing for you right now. Read again tomorrow and maybe speak to your friend - when you've had a refreshing sleep - I just can't emphasise that enough, being sleep-deprived is horrendous.

I'm really sorry for your situation, Butt and I really don't want to give you extra worries; I could be completely off base, easily done on threads where you can't see/speak to the other person.

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 18/05/2018 22:28

Thanks. I'm overtired now but I'll try! I didn't want to read and sleep without thanking you for the effort you put into your post

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 19/05/2018 00:29

I don’t think the completely negative interpretation is fair yet. It’s really not clear that anything is going on- Monday certainly could have been doing the right thing ie avoiding, its far from definite that it was ‘we are meeting secretly so I can handle avoiding you at the office’. I would expect that behaviour to escalate not to be back at casually talking Friday.

ReallyWTF · 21/05/2018 13:31

OP did you talk to your friend? Hope you're okay.

Is he back to work today?

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 21/05/2018 19:43

I'm the same, I think, but thank you for checking ReallyWTF

I don't think your name could be more apt for me at the moment lol I really don't know what to think. I haven't spoken to him about it again as I don't think it would achieve anything just yet. I did speak to mutual this afternoon...she said she's not seeing the longing looks as much (but she's also not been around as much). The one thing she did see on woman's computer was email contact. She said it was only brief but woman had sent him an email about a work project/potential new clients and said she was 'open to whatever' and his reply was 'Really good to know'. It's entirely possible that's innocent isn't it?

OP posts:
throwcushions · 21/05/2018 21:00

It seems flirtatious at best, a very strange phrasing for an email work wise to someone he should be keeping a distance from. He's not showing you respect or giving off any signs that he wants you, only you and is concerned about his future with you. I don't think I could put up with this. You're torturing yourself by analysing everything about his behaviour with her. I would focus on his behaviour with you, and in your shoes I would have had enough of this.

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 21/05/2018 21:52

I think my friend's gut reaction was not sure it was innocent as she was there covertly reading when the woman read it herself and she kind of made a surprised but laughed expression. I dont know if its the same as a 'ok cool '

OP posts:
Puttingthefootdown · 21/05/2018 21:56

That's not innocent!
I would now be concerned!

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 21/05/2018 22:19

So you don't think we're reading it through suspicious tinted glasses and it could have been a perfectly innocent remark?

OP posts:
throwcushions · 21/05/2018 23:12

But you know there are feelings between them. How could it be perfectly innocent? Why are you just accepting this?

WhatsGoingOnEh · 21/05/2018 23:50

So you don't think we're reading it through suspicious tinted glasses and it could have been a perfectly innocent remark?

It's not an isolated remark though, unfortunately. It's on top of the admission of attraction, the big smiles, the walking-into-things, the photos...

I'd be starting to resent the amount of headspace this has taken up.

Lazypoolday · 22/05/2018 00:11

So you don't think we're reading it through suspicious tinted glasses and it could have been a perfectly innocent remark?

I don't think so. Sorry OP but I think they've taken their flirtation to the next level and if they aren't already having an affair, they will. They know that your friend is watching so they are consciously not doing the lovey dovey thing anymore. Its a bit like how 'mentionitis' followed by suddenly never talking about the person is a red flag. I'd be interested to see his emails if I were you...

TomHardyswife · 22/05/2018 07:21

Did your mutual friend volunteer that information, OP or did you ask her?

Because you have told her to only let you know anything majorly suspicious haven't you? If she has volunteered that information, she obviously thinks there is something in it. Unless she is shit stirring after all and secretly enjoying all this.

I'm sorry but there would be red flags all over that recent news about the emails.

Has he become recently guarded with his mobile at home? Sorry if you have already answered that question in previous posts.

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 22/05/2018 08:11

No, still chilled out about his phone/emails etc. What red flags are you picking up?

OP posts:
Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 22/05/2018 08:12

And yes, I asked

OP posts:
Luisa27 · 22/05/2018 08:57

The comments could of course be innocent Butt - however we’re examining them through the lens of their previous behaviour - so we’re more attuned to the possibility of this not being so innocent.

I know you’ve said your friend is totally genuine and only has your best interests at heart, but are you 100% sure this is the case? I’ve been thinking about this a lot and I don’t think I’d behave as she’s is...just my view, but her behaviour seems a bit ‘off’ to me