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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for this to make me sad that he's had his head turned?

888 replies

Buttmonkey86 · 21/04/2018 19:28

I think or rather hope I'm being a bit silly. I don't want to bring it up with real life people.

My partner works in a creative environment for a large company. About six months ago he was part responsible for the hiring of a new woman.

I don't think for a second he would ever do anything about this, but he's never mentioned her since. Ever. He talks about some work people but not her. We have a mutual friend who has befriended this woman and says she's lovely, has fabulous style (important there) and is hilarious. She has also mentioned she's seen my partner looking at her a lot and trying to make her laugh. She said she's seen them have a couple of eye contact moments but the woman usually walks away quickly.

I've seen her once in person and she's very pretty. I didn't like the way I saw my partner watching her though, like he couldn't help himself. He didn't know I'd arrived to collect him early and I saw this through the windows.

AIBU to feel sad about this? Like I said, I don't think he'd do anything about her...I just feel down that he's had his head turned. In the five years we've been together this hasn't happened before

OP posts:
Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 16/05/2018 07:55

Thanks both x

OP posts:
ReallyWTF · 16/05/2018 13:27

Well honestly, I don't see the point of this thread anymore.

Don't be a dick. OP needs support. Don't like it - don't read it.

Ditto what Luisa27 said.

FFS why are some people so inconsiderate?

caperberries · 16/05/2018 13:44

Probably worth asking to move this to relationships, rather than AIBU ?

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 16/05/2018 14:18

No, id rather it stayed here thanks for the support guys x

OP posts:
ReallyWTF · 16/05/2018 16:52

How's it going at the mo OP? Any more news?

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 16/05/2018 18:21

We're ok, he's still being himself. She's on annual leave till Friday (volunteering with the elderly....) so we'll see if anything has changed after they've not seen each other for a week

OP posts:
ReallyWTF · 16/05/2018 19:00

I don't know how you cope OP. You must be one hell of a string woman. I would have packed his things weeks ago.

ReallyWTF · 16/05/2018 19:01

*strong

MachineBee · 16/05/2018 19:59

String can be pretty strong completely missing the point...

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 16/05/2018 23:01

Ha

I don't feel overly strong. Just a bit in limbo. At home everything is the same and he's the same lovely guy I fell in love with. I wouldn't leave him if it was 'only' what I know about but anything more happening and that changes things

OP posts:
Kaybush · 16/05/2018 23:35

I agree with what eddielizard said.

EVERYONE gets crushes on people from time to time, but most don't act on it. I've been married for almost 16 years and have had two big (and I'm certain, reciprocated) crushes in that time.

I would never have dreamed of acting on them - with a family and work commitments it would have been exhausting, incredibly complicated and would most certainly have ended in heartbreak for me, my DH and children.

As others (the only sane ones on this thread) have said, use it as a springboard to just make a little more effort and be better than this other woman.

You might thank her in the long run!

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 16/05/2018 23:40

Be better? I'm not in competition with any other women, especially her. If he wants to go, he's free to. I'd be gutted, but it's not for me to step up my game to keep him :/

OP posts:
Kaybush · 16/05/2018 23:47

OP, I'm sorry - I didn't want to 'pit' you against her, but if I was in that situation my natural instinct would be as I'd advised.

TomHardyswife · 17/05/2018 09:09

I agree with the PP who said you must be a strong woman. It must be awful every day watching him leave for work knowing he is going to be spending all day with her...with the mutual attraction between them.

Many years ago, my DH worked in a predominantly male environment and one day one female came to work with them. You can imagine the attention she got. I thought nothing of it and DH certainly never mentioned her. At a Xmas party, I finally met her and I was gobsmacked. She was absolutely stunning. Gorgeous athletic figure, tall, gorgeous hair,, just wow. She just oozed with confidence. She also seemed to take a bit of a shine to my DH. Tossing her hair and really kind of flirty with him. She used a variation of my DHs name that no one has ever used. For example supposing my DH is called Mike and everyone calls him Mike, she would call him Mikey. My guard was well and truly up. At the party, one of the wives whispered in my ear that I needed to "watch my back" and refused to say anymore. I have never had any reason not to trust my DH in all the years we have been married but it was awful as I have never felt as insecure and threatened by another woman in all my life. DH reassured me that he doesn't look at her that way and wasn't attracted to her..he just saw her as a work colleague and one of the lads.

Nevertheless every morning waving him off to work hurt like hell as my imagination ran wild.

Turned out the wife in question who had planted the seed was a huge shit stirrer and the attractive woman was having an affair with someone else! Shock

Sorry I don't have any more advice other than my previous posts but I just wanted to say I really feel for you as you must be going through hell. By the way, I agree with you.. You don't have anything to prove. Your DH should be with you for who you are.

Motoko · 17/05/2018 11:10

"As others (the only sane ones on this thread) have said, use it as a springboard to just make a little more effort and be better than this other woman.

The only sane ones? The few who suggested, like you did, that OP play the pick me dance, that she's not the "best" version of herself, are the sane ones?

mydietstartsmonday · 17/05/2018 11:16

I think you need to fight for your marriage a bit more if I am honest.
He obviously loves you as you say his behavior towards you has not changed.

You need to have a conversation with him and tell him you feel he is getting too close and you feel you are going to compromise your relationship.

I think he needs a gentle (or not so gentle) reminder of what he will mess up and lose if this friendship gets out of hand. If he wants this friendship to continue then invite her round as a friend, introduce her to you and your son.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 17/05/2018 11:28

I do wonder why your friend, who you said is also his friend, hasn't taken him out for lunch and said, look, you're making a laughing stock of yourself at work and potentially humiliating your partner to the point where you'll lose your lovely family, is that what you want?

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 17/05/2018 11:34

Again, we aren't married and I've never said we have a son lol

I'm certainly not doing anything crazy/cringeworthy as inviting her round or metaphorically weeing on my territory. It looks nuts when people do that stemmed from lack of trust. That's only normal if it's done organically, not because I don't want her to fall in love with my partner

In a similar vein, my mutual friend hasn't done that because I asked her not to. I don't want any outside intervention stopping him doing something to destroy our relationship, the choice has to be entirely his. If not, my future decisions will always be a what if... What if he only stopped because he was caught, not because he didn't want to. Which is the only acceptable outcome for me

OP posts:
SchnitzelVonKrumm · 17/05/2018 11:36

I think she'd be being a friend TO HIM, but fair enough.

Laiste · 17/05/2018 19:49

Am i the only one who inwardly eye-rolled at volunteering with the elderly?

I'll get my coat ...

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 17/05/2018 20:21

Lol Laiste. I know...I can't fault her but ffs

OP posts:
WhatsGoingOnEh · 17/05/2018 21:21

How do you know she's away, and that she's volunteering, op? Not doubting that she is, but wondering how you knew.

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 17/05/2018 21:28

Mutual friend said, why?

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 17/05/2018 21:36

DillyDillyDally

There are hundreds more threads for you to read if you don't see any point in this one.

He moved in with me after 8 weeks and I was pregnant after 4/5 months

That was quite a whirlwind romance.

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 17/05/2018 21:39

It was, but it just felt right and then it's lasted 5 years so didn't feel like a fling ever. I thought we just knew

OP posts:
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