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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for this to make me sad that he's had his head turned?

888 replies

Buttmonkey86 · 21/04/2018 19:28

I think or rather hope I'm being a bit silly. I don't want to bring it up with real life people.

My partner works in a creative environment for a large company. About six months ago he was part responsible for the hiring of a new woman.

I don't think for a second he would ever do anything about this, but he's never mentioned her since. Ever. He talks about some work people but not her. We have a mutual friend who has befriended this woman and says she's lovely, has fabulous style (important there) and is hilarious. She has also mentioned she's seen my partner looking at her a lot and trying to make her laugh. She said she's seen them have a couple of eye contact moments but the woman usually walks away quickly.

I've seen her once in person and she's very pretty. I didn't like the way I saw my partner watching her though, like he couldn't help himself. He didn't know I'd arrived to collect him early and I saw this through the windows.

AIBU to feel sad about this? Like I said, I don't think he'd do anything about her...I just feel down that he's had his head turned. In the five years we've been together this hasn't happened before

OP posts:
Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 13/05/2018 21:10

Haha, either or is fine, Addicted!

I'm ok, didn't cry after Thursday night/Friday after work. Spoke to them every day and they are on their way back. It doesn't feel great knowing he'll see her tomorrow but he's not changed at all with me, still lovely etc

I think what Cuppa said hit the nail on the head for my biggest fear. He moved in with me after 8 weeks and I was pregnant after 4/5 months. I thought we were a happy little unit

To answer PPs question about our quality time together, yes we do, do activities alone together and with our child. Sex normal. Everything normal. Which is why I think it's more puzzling that someone else could draw his attention so much. I'm sure he's found other women attractive in 5 years but this is different and it's jarring. He's always been all over me

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 13/05/2018 21:17

I mean you may not want to admit the level of detail you are getting to your dp, not to us. But I don’t mean to derail.

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 13/05/2018 21:18

Ohhh I see now, I understand and yes

OP posts:
midnightmisssuki · 13/05/2018 21:27

I think you sound like you don’t trust him already OP. And this thread (while great and helpful) is making you more paranoid. You’re going to drive yourself insane picking apart every single minute of this day, waiting for your friend to tell your what’s happened.

I’ve had the same done to me, only the other person was my cousin so it was much harder for me to acceptX You’ve told him how you feel about it and you say nothing changed - that’s good, right?

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 13/05/2018 22:12

It's definitely not making me paranoid, only helpful.

I don't know whether it's a good thing or not to be honest

OP posts:
Mommasoph30 · 14/05/2018 09:42

I think you need to speak to him X

ConferenceBores · 14/05/2018 10:34

does he have a pattern of doing this butt, what was his relationship history before you? Obviously he doesn't have any other DC.

XiCi · 14/05/2018 11:27

He moved in with me after 8 weeks and I was pregnant after 4/5 months

So you know he is impulsive in relationships then. What was his history before you? Are you both very young?

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 14/05/2018 22:30

No no pattern

OP posts:
Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 14/05/2018 22:31

Nothing out of the ordinary historical relationship wise. Just standard and no, 30 and 35

OP posts:
Cuppaoftea · 15/05/2018 09:41

If he's 35 he really ought to know his own mind where your relationship is concerned.

ReallyWTF · 15/05/2018 18:23

he's not changed at all with me, still lovely etc

The disrespect he's showing you is anything but lovely :(

OP you deserve better. This is NOT normal behaviour. If you accept it now, you are giving him permission to turn like a dog in heat whenever a new woman starts at work that he likes the look of. Do you want this for the rest of your life?

RoboticSealpup · 15/05/2018 18:50

She must be pretty young then, if he's only 35 and he didn't think she'd be interested because he's "older"...

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 15/05/2018 18:54

I never said that that he didn't think she'd be interested because he's older. I said she's around my age Hmm

OP posts:
RoboticSealpup · 15/05/2018 19:34

Apologies, I must've conflated this thread with another one!

RomeoBunny · 15/05/2018 19:47

Is this still going on Confused

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 15/05/2018 20:13

Yes, Romeo, my apologies I haven't LTB yet...HmmHmm Please keep unecessary nastiness to yourselves, I don't need it

OP posts:
schoolproblem12341 · 15/05/2018 20:31

OP I've just read the whole thread, I'm so so sorry that your going through this. FWIW around 9 years ago about 4 years into my relationship my then DP had what I would call an EA with a woman at work and it started EXACTLY like this. I ultimately kicked him out as instead of keeping away from her it just kept developing. After 7months apart we reconciled, I think we both had to see the grass wasn't greener in that time apart and now we're perfectly happy and have two DDs, it doesn't always have to mean the end. Relationships are hard and can be really confusing sometimes especially when your maybe becoming complacent with each other. Keep an eye out, that experience if anything taught me that a woman's intuition is real. I knew from the outset when I first heard him speak about her that there was something different and I was instantly suspicious, I turned into a mad woman, checking his phone and all sorts to prove what I suspected.

DillyDillyDally · 15/05/2018 22:40

Yes, Romeo, my apologies I haven't LTB yet...hmmhmm Please keep unecessary nastiness to yourselves, I don't need it

Well honestly, I don't see the point of this thread anymore. You seem ok to just sit by while your DP starts an affair with you getting all the gory and humiliating details from your friend.

You need to do something! Tell him if this ridiculous behaviour carries on he can leave. He's pretty much in the honeymoon period of a new relationship and you seem weirdly ok with that

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 15/05/2018 22:57

Wow. If YOU don't see the point in a thread that has nothing to do with you, yet I, the OP have said numerous times how grateful I am for this outlet then wtf am I thinking even continuing to post...?!

Nobody is forcing you to read it. Nobody is forcing you to post. If it bothers you, don't.

OP posts:
Luisa27 · 15/05/2018 23:00

@Dilly ....it doesn’t really matter whether or not you “see the point of this thread anymore” Confused
The whole ethos of this thread is to enable Butt to talk things through and explore her feelings in a safe environment without having to take this into RL.
No one is obliged to read or contribute to the thread - I just don’t get the people who are becoming frustrated by the lack of reactionary behaviour on Butt’s behalf....chill out...it’s not your life.
Hope you’re ok Butt - sending to a big hug

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 15/05/2018 23:02

Thank you, Luisa27, I really appreciate that after the above x

OP posts:
Luisa27 · 15/05/2018 23:04

It’s true Smile

timeisnotaline · 16/05/2018 00:54

What a bizarre sense of entitlement some people get to an online stranger’s life. If you don’t see the point, why are you here? Actually making the effort to read and post which is even more ridiculous. butt I’d just assume these people don’t actually have their own life if they are willing to put their time into commenting on something so apparently pointless.

RoboticSealpup · 16/05/2018 07:15

You seem ok to just sit by while your DP starts an affair with you getting all the gory and humiliating details from your friend.

You don't know that! It surprises me how many people have said things to this effect. He may just be enjoying the flirting with no intention of taking it further. Of course this is also asshole behaviour, but maybe not bad enough to kick the father of your child out of the house for? I think it's perfectly reasonable to want to know if something more is going on before "LTB".