AIBU for this to make me sad that he's had his head turned?

[Buttmonkey86]

I think or rather hope I'm being a bit silly. I don't want to bring it up with real life people.

My partner works in a creative environment for a large company. About six months ago he was part responsible for the hiring of a new woman.

I don't think for a second he would ever do anything about this, but he's never mentioned her since. Ever. He talks about some work people but not her. We have a mutual friend who has befriended this woman and says she's lovely, has fabulous style (important there) and is hilarious. She has also mentioned she's seen my partner looking at her a lot and trying to make her laugh. She said she's seen them have a couple of eye contact moments but the woman usually walks away quickly.

I've seen her once in person and she's very pretty. I didn't like the way I saw my partner watching her though, like he couldn't help himself. He didn't know I'd arrived to collect him early and I saw this through the windows.

AIBU to feel sad about this? Like I said, I don't think he'd do anything about her...I just feel down that he's had his head turned. In the five years we've been together this hasn't happened before

Gosh @AddictedtoAIBU - what a lot of sense you’ve just written. Agree with you 100%
Hope you’re ok Butt...

I honestly don't know Butt, I'm sorry. Most full time workers spend more time at work with colleagues than at home with family and friends. At this point I wouldn't rule it out.

My gut instinct would be he may be subconsciously struggling with the change in your home life (becoming parents is life changing and obviously changes dynamics, less time and energy to make the effort, less of a social life etc) and doesn't know how to handle it so is trying to recreate something that isn't lost but has just moved to the next stage of your relationship? If that's the case, this woman is nothing more than a distraction which you can both grow from. I truly hope that's the case.

Honestly, from the bottom of my heart, I would act though. He needs to be your support and there is no way you should be a fairly new mum sitting at home on a Saturday night feeling like this. That's not how partners treat each other.

I'll be following the thread and am honestly rooting for you to have the outcome you deserve xxx

Thank you. Our child is 3, does the 'fairly new parent' thing apply?

it depends - I’ve found 3-4 a turning point age as they get so much more independent and lovely to talk to and do more complex things. I do think we found having dc a massive shock.

Sorry, I misread the age of your child. But yes, I think it still does in some respects. If you are anything like we were when our daughter was small there's very little quality time for each other with a little one when you are working and running a home.
I guess you'd be best placed to know? Do you have nights out, cosy nights, spend time as a couple etc?
But, it doesn't change the fact that his loyalty (and eyes!) should be with you.
Sorry if I've made you feel worse, I was aiming for supportive!

Definitely not made me feel worse, don't worry! That thought crossed my mind, and I think thats a fear of mine so having someone else say it was good in a way

Yes, we do get time to ourselves and go out alone at least once a month for a drink/meal/watch a band etc. I think thats part of why I'm so WTF

I know I’m flipfloppimg a little but addictedtoaibu makes a lot of sense.

For what it's worth, now I'm older (and questionably wiser), I don't really see a difference between "falling in love" and "having a crush". To me they're both that chemical thing that happens when you feel a connection with someone and could imagine being with them (or are at the start of a relationship). It's a very powerful feeling but not necessarily based on anything real IMO!

I can't really imagine agonising over whether or not I am "in love" with my partner. I love him and he is a lovely person and he is my partner of 20 years and (good) father of my children and that is what matters. Sorry if I'm diverging off topic here.

It IS a very powerful feeling (nature's way of getting people together I suppose), but it's certainly not impossible to decide you're not going there.

I think the reason why some people are finding this thread frustrating to read is that you seem so incredibly passive and those of us with some experience can see how this is unfolding without any intervention from you. You've gently let him know that you know and he has continued full throttle. Walking into a pillar while looking at her? Jesus Christ, the whole office must be laughing at him
In healthy relationships if one person oversteps boundaries the other will normally step in and challenge the behaviour. There have been numerous times over the last 20 odd years that DH has pulled me up on something and challenged me leading to a discussion and vice versa. Sometimes it takes a quiet word from someone else for us to see our behaviour isn't acceptable.
In your case I'd be saying to DH that yes we all have crushes from time to time however this has gone way too far. People are talking and he is making an absolute fool out of both of you. I'd let him know in no uncertain terms how upset you've been and that if it continues he will lose you. I also agree with a pp that when all this settles it may be you that sees him in a different light and reevaluates the relationship

Our child is 3, does the 'fairly new parent' thing apply?

During the last four years of the five you've been together you've been through pregnancy and the baby and toddler years.

I'd say this emotional affair is a test as to whether he's with you because of a deeper love for you than the feelings he has for the woman or whether it's the fact you're parents holding you together at this stage.

Which wouldn't work out in the longer term.

Do you spend time together as a family taking DS out?

Are you a close couple with a healthy physical relationship? Have you noticed any changes in that area recently? More or less intimacy?

Any other changes in his behaviour?

You don't have to respond. Just things to think about.

I'm totally with you on not trying to stop him from cheating. That's his responsibility. I'm not a fight for my man person. If he wants to go...He's free. My rerelationship isn't Alcatraz.

I'll just move on with my life and find happiness eleswhere.

I remember saying to DH before we got married, that if he or anyone else married cheated, I would be done with the marriage straight away. His response was wouldn't I even try and fight for marriage.

I said no way. He interpreted this as me not caring enough or loving the person enough.

When me and dh had been together around a year we had a similar situation. A girl who he worked with, frequent looks, cosy chats etc.
When I noticed (we work in the same building just different departments) I mentioned it to him because it upset me and i was concerned. He told me yes he found her attractive, but he loved me and there was nothing there with her at all. The chats and looks stopped immediately, and they now only talk as colleagues. I spend time with her occasionally if we end up at lunch together, and she's lovely.
I guess my point is, when dh knew it bothered me it stopped immediately (even though with hindsight there was nothing at all in it other than general friendliness).
The issue I see in your situation is that you've let him know it bothers you and he hasn't stopped. That is what would bother me.

I am not finding it frustrating because the op is being too passive. It’s an incredibly difficult situation because it’s not completely black and white. It’s not private messaging or excessive messaging/ emailing out of work hours , it’s not clearly inappropriate comments, it’s not meeting up, it’s not an ea. But it is disrespectful and a problem, particularly given the op has already spoken to her husband twice and he hasn’t clearly pulled back ( could he be deluding himself?) plus she doesn’t want to admit to the detail she is hearing from her friend.

I don't want to admit to what detail?

If this were me I would ask him to leave.

Simply for disrespecting me. You've asked him twice to back off and he has upped his game.
Not making him choose you is one thing.
But!
Letting him walk all over you is another. You are right, you can't change how he feels or what he does. But you CAN show him you won't be mugged off.

If he then chooses to run to her, you'll have had a lucky escape with your dignity intact. If he realises how bloody crass he has been. Maybe you can make steps forward. But you do need to do something for your own sanity. Because he really isn't listening.

Your friend is clearly concerned. Listen to her!

How are you feeling about it after a couple of days to yourself, OP? I’m presuming he’s back now, or will be back shortly.

I agree he is completely disrespecting you. He has admitted his head has been turned, he is attracted to another woman who you have found out is attracted to him, there are secret smiles, eye contact and he is so smitten by her, he's walking into things. If he loved and respected you the way he says he does, this woman should not be having this kind of effect on him full stop. Not only that, you have told him on more than one occasion that you are not happy with this behaviour and he has not done anything about it.

One thing that strikes me is this... For how much longer can you possibly carry on like this..watching and waiting? Hearing snippets of information from your friend. I'd honestly feel slapped in the face to repeatedly hear from a friend that my DH was behaving like a love sick puppy over some other work colleague. And not only that, it must be hell watching him leave for work every morning knowing she is going to be there. I'd be reading him the riot act and taking action. I honestly think that you need to show him that you are not prepared to put up with this shit and the previous posters who advised that he needs to pack his bags and temporarily leave until he sorts his head out once and for all...have got it spot on.

I like Loveatthefiveanddime's advice on the previous page, especially this bit:

I would point out that what he feels is no magic, irresistible, unique, spell that has been cast on the two of them, it is merely a bit of common-or-garden chemistry that he is quite able to ignore if he chooses, and at his age he should know that it is transitory and he should grow [the fuck] up

The end result of a lot of these crushes is exactly this realisation, but not until after the damage has been done. I'm pretty sure a lot of the relationships that are built on cheating would not have lasted if it weren't for the notion that now they've done so much damage they HAVE to make it work. Getting a heads up that this is not the big love story of the century, but a basic, common office crush, which a grown-up would be able to see for what it is, could just take the shine off it.

I hope it works out for you either way OP.

The admit to was that you don’t want to say how much info your friend has been giving you about his conversations and movements. I may have just assumed this, if so I take it back!

While I think I'd want that to be true, i don't understand why some PP are sure that that's the case - that it's a silly crush/transitory.

I say this also as Cuppa said:

'During the last four years of the five you've been together you've been through pregnancy and the baby and toddler years.

I'd say this emotional affair is a test as to whether he's with you because of a deeper love for you than the feelings he has for the woman or whether it's the fact you're parents holding you together at this stage.

Which wouldn't work out in the longer term'

I don't really undertstand, Time, but no, I've said everything she said bar outing details

I don't think you're being passive but the longer you let this go on, the worse I think it will get. You have to react now, whilst the stakes are small.

i don't understand why some PP are sure that that's the case - that it's a silly crush/transitory I guess because its all so shallow at this stage - he isn't (as far as we know) spending any real one on one time with her or sleeping with her, so you don't know if they even have that spark when alone together, they have only known each other a few months, so this can only have been going on for a bit less than that - if it was a sustained connection that had been tested 'in the real world' then you could reasonably assume these feelings were real. Given that it's all just fantasy at the moment it could easily all come crashing down with a little dose of reality poured on it.

OP I think you are going to drive yourself crazy picking apart and analysing every single minute detail.

The bottom line is that only he knows how he is feeling.. Whether it's a crush, whether it isn't a crush, whether he's falling in love with her, whether it's an emotional affair. Who knows? Maybe he is confused about his feelings himself? And maybe he doesn't know how deeply he is going to be feeling about her next week, month, six months? All we can advise you on is information given from you, the facts and how we would be dealing with it.

Out of respect for you, your partnership and your child together, he should be making an effort to nip this completely in the bud right now, so it doesn't progress further. The minute I read that the woman has refused to keep her distance, is making me think that it's possibly too late.

How are you tonight Butt after time to think? (Ps, I'm struggling with the Butt thing, I may resort to BM86?! 😁)