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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for this to make me sad that he's had his head turned?

888 replies

Buttmonkey86 · 21/04/2018 19:28

I think or rather hope I'm being a bit silly. I don't want to bring it up with real life people.

My partner works in a creative environment for a large company. About six months ago he was part responsible for the hiring of a new woman.

I don't think for a second he would ever do anything about this, but he's never mentioned her since. Ever. He talks about some work people but not her. We have a mutual friend who has befriended this woman and says she's lovely, has fabulous style (important there) and is hilarious. She has also mentioned she's seen my partner looking at her a lot and trying to make her laugh. She said she's seen them have a couple of eye contact moments but the woman usually walks away quickly.

I've seen her once in person and she's very pretty. I didn't like the way I saw my partner watching her though, like he couldn't help himself. He didn't know I'd arrived to collect him early and I saw this through the windows.

AIBU to feel sad about this? Like I said, I don't think he'd do anything about her...I just feel down that he's had his head turned. In the five years we've been together this hasn't happened before

OP posts:
Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 11/05/2018 22:58

I'm very tired so may just be missing something, but why would him looking at her every time he heard her heels indicate he rebuffed?

OP posts:
Cuppaoftea · 11/05/2018 23:06

What is there to do though? I'm not an ultimatum /pick me person

To me trying to act ultra cool about it all, carry on as normal, sleep together, go for family days out while his emotional affair ate me up inside would be doing a pick me dance of sorts.

I wouldn't issue an ultimatum and I wouldn't be thinking a separation had to be permanent. If my DH was behaving as yours is I'd ask him to leave while he got his head straight. If he missed me and family life and came back while shutting down the emotional affair we'd still have a marriage to work on. If he got together with OW then he was always going to do that anyway.

If your DP were living away from you and DC, missing you terribly and having to go in to work after a bad night's sleep on a mates sofa he might not be so taken up with all the teenage angst with the woman.

VerbenaBorensis · 11/05/2018 23:15

Sorry if that didn't make sense butt. I meant more about the whole thing-him noticing her the eye contact. Sometimes it can be awkward -I have seen in an office where a couple (single) got together split up and everytime she walked past he would look over thats what I was equating it too. It was all very public if that makes sense.

SirVixofVixHall · 11/05/2018 23:37

Are you hand-on-heart certain there is nothing else between them op ? Because it sounds as though they have a romance, either that, or this is being hyped up out of all proportion by your friend. People at work fancy each other a bit...surely that happens all the time ?

Pratchet · 11/05/2018 23:44

People like a bit of 'will we won't we'. Glances and tiny touches charged with excitement. I would talk about it and say so you fancy her etc and make it clear you'll walk if it carries on. He needs a cold shower of reality.

No pearl clutcher here: i was that person with the secret glances and the going to the printer at the same time and all that stupid stuff. I know what stops it and that is your partner talking to you as an adult and telling you that you are being a dick.

Pratchet · 11/05/2018 23:45

By which I mean you telling him that. You're not being a dick, I'm not saying that.

Pratchet · 11/05/2018 23:48

He may be saying there's nothing between them because there isn't any kissing or anything like that. If they had a kiss he maybe he would still say it because they hadn't had sex. People will find any way to tell a lie by telling a distorted truth.

Maybe he's up to nothing but yknow.

PetulantPolecat · 11/05/2018 23:51

Honestly, I was expecting them to be kissing by page 24 and the OP saying she wasn’t going to break up her family over a stupid kiss.

Shifting sands, OP.

I think you will stay with him once he cheats. If he cheats, it will be slow and it will be in front of your eyes and you’ll be sad about it but you’ll forgive him because eventually he’ll chose you and his family.

DillyDillyDally · 11/05/2018 23:54

Jesus, I'm angry on your behalf op. They are making a fool of you by acting this way. Make your DP fully aware that you know about them eyefucking each other, him walking into pillars like a complete idiot and tell him to cop on. Unless he wants to leave his family and pursue this woman of course, then he can have at it but don't sit around waiting for him to choose because that is what you are doing right now. Tell him to stop the shit or leave.

Pratchet · 11/05/2018 23:55

Agree, just tell him it's the highway for him if he carries on this charade.

Loveatthefiveanddime · 12/05/2018 08:03

I empathise completely with your approach OP, you are reacting in exactly the same way I would be, with the same thought processes (as far as I can tell from your posts).

At some point in the near future, what I would do would be to have another conversation. Clear, stern, cards on the table conversation where I spell out calmly my feelings on the whole situation....kind of throwing my toys out of the pram in a very sinister quiet way...I would probably cover how he is being a dick, tell him he has a choice and it is his choice alone, tell him to think through all the financial and emotional repercussions of his choice. I would explain how hurt I was but say I was going to do absolutely nothing to stop him doing what he wants with her, effectively 'go with my blessing but knowing there will be huge, huge fallout'.

I would point out that what he feels is no magic, irresistible, unique, spell that has been cast on the two of them, it is merely a bit of common-or-garden chemistry that he is quite able to ignore if he chooses, and at his age he should know that it is transitory and he should grow [the fuck] up. Probably best not to swear in my case.

Oh, and finally(?) say that if he feels there is something missing in our relationship he should come to me and talk about it in future and I will try my best to hear him with an open mind, and we can try between us to help make things better. But acting like a silly lovesick puppy with someone at work is not the way to go about making things better at home.

Motoko · 12/05/2018 08:37

If my DH was behaving as yours is I'd ask him to leave while he got his head straight.

I agree with this. I think he needs some time without you, to see what it will be like, and to decide if what he's doing is worth the break up of his relationship.

It will either pour cold water on his little fantasies, or he'll realise that this is happening because for him, your relationship has run its course.

But all the while you're sitting back and waiting, you're allowing this to happen, and it's hurting you deeply.

I think it's time to take action.

Categoric · 12/05/2018 09:05

To the poster who said that I am stuck in the 1950s, I really don’t think so!

OP you need to have a firm but calm word with your DP. It would be easy if life was black and white but it’s not. People have relationship problems and get through them. The people in my experience who have good relationships communicate with each other properly.

When I had 2 under 3, I can’t say that my relationship was at its most romantic. If my DH had had his head turned I would have fought like mad to turn it back and not by putting on a pretty dress or behaving like the perfect housewife. I would have had a no holds barred conversation along the lines that I loved him but was losing respect for him because of his behaviour, that a relationship only works when there is love and respect on both sides and that if he continued to behave in the same fashion, he would have no relationship with me left.

I can absolutely understand how hurt you are that DH has looked at someone else but I think that this situation arises more in life than we like to acknowledge and most of the time it fizzles out.

And I still think that the OW is behaving badly. In my book, you don’t flirt or allow yourself to act on an attraction to someone else’s partner. It’s simple really, it’s hurtful to their partner and what sort of prize are you going to get if they are happy to be unfaithful...

Gottalovethesummer · 12/05/2018 10:37

I agree with posters above. You need a calm and honest conversation about this and your relationship. I totally disagree with asking him to leave. That will surely encourage the relationship. Can he move offices / jobs? Your relationship and your child is top priority and he should find a way of avoiding this temptation. He needs to have some boundaries to protect what you have.
I say this as someone who was with someone as calm and tolerant as you seem. We weren't married or had children thankfully as I am ashamed to say I had an affair, I really wish he had asked for some boundaries as it spoilt our relationship over some silly crush. I know you should set up your own boundaries but some people need it spelling out and to be reminded. I still feel guilty at the way I treated this wonderful person. He didn't deserve the hurt when he found out.

seventh · 12/05/2018 12:21

I totally disagree with asking him to leave. That will surely encourage the relationship.

But isn't it better to know?

I'd rather know whether his teenage crush is just a crush which will pass or if he's going to DTD and some.

Whilst knowledge can be painful, not knowing and living a half-life, is much much worse, imo

timeisnotaline · 12/05/2018 12:40

I wouldn’t ask him to leave. It wouldn’t feel fair to be honest, he is not behaving well but would justifiably be pretty pissed at being kicked out for whats gone on so far.

DisappearingGirl · 12/05/2018 13:10

I think I agree entirely with Loveatthefiveanddime and Categoric.

Although my other advice is, once you've read what everyone has to say, to take a break from all of us and go and take some quiet time to work out your own approach Smile

Good luck OP, I so hope things work out okay xx

ConferenceBores · 12/05/2018 13:57

I think I’d have had a few shouting matches by now - but I also think you need to call in whatever favours you have from family and go away together, the two of you to get some time alone.

I agree there’s a huge difference between thinking someone is fit and interesting and perhaps likes the same type of music and that being worth the impact on your oh and your dc. I do think he’s old enough to know that by now.

lindyhopy · 12/05/2018 15:41

I agree with exactly what Categoric said!

Cuppaoftea · 12/05/2018 16:43

I wouldn’t ask him to leave. It wouldn’t feel fair to be honest, he is not behaving well but would justifiably be pretty pissed at being kicked out for whats gone on so far.

When his reaction to butt talking to him about this the first time was to step up his flirting with the OW?

Nope, he could in no way be justified in feeling pissed at having to stay elsewhere while they work through things.

Whatever choices he makes he needs to treat the Mother of his child with more respect, he should have left this sort of teenage bullshit behind him long ago.

Cuppaoftea · 12/05/2018 17:05

It will either pour cold water on his little fantasies, or he'll realise that this is happening because for him, your relationship has run its course.

This.

Laiste · 12/05/2018 17:13

The word respect keeps coming up and i think it's hitting the nail on the head for me. That's what would make me so angry - the disrespect.

Even if left alone it never would have gone past all the longing lovey dovey looks and walking into things while gazing at her (bleurgh) - the above alone would make me feel a bloody fool. I won't tolerate being made a fool of.

Makes my blood boil just thinking about it!

AddictedtoAIBU · 12/05/2018 17:54

Can't even imagine how you are feeling at the moment Butt 🍷🍫

For what it is worth, I agree that you need to take action for your own self esteem. Someone has to show their hand eventually. Do it your way, not when you have no choice.

I really understand that you don't want to have to fight for him, he should show some loyalty and respect. But, he's not being loyal or thoughtful or respectful towards you. He's having his home life and building his own fantasy whilst you lose your sanity.

If he is falling in love with her you won't be able to stop it so trying to avoid conflict won't help. If it's a flirtation because your family dynamics have changed and he's struggling with that you can stop it. But he needs a hard shove to remember where his loyalties lie.

You don't know if he is 💯 yours and that's what I would be aiming to find out in your situation. Your heart is already hurting, I wouldn't drag it out and let your fate depend on two people who don't seem to have your back - let him prove he does. I think he has making up to do and wouldn't be surprised if when this blows over it is you that decides you don't feel the same about him.

Sending you lots of positive thoughts, you've already shown you have more self control than the two of them xx

AddictedtoAIBU · 12/05/2018 18:08

Ps Butt, you seem like a very selfless person but in answer to your question of 'what if it is just a few looks' It isn't. It's him telling you he is attracted to someone else, not nipping it in the bud to protect your feelings, it is disrespecting his partner and mother of his child. It is him acting in a very selfish way and thinking about him not his family. It is him making you feel you are less attractive than some women from work. That is everything, that's worse than a one night stand. You need to know that you and the little one are always his priority and it's you three against the world because the world will throw enough at you without not knowing he always has your back. If he can't commit to that, your self esteem will always be rocked by some pretty woman.

Can you book a night away together (I know, harder than it sounds) and really chat it through?

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 12/05/2018 20:32

I took a break today and will read all replies properly later. Spoke to them earlier and sounds like they are having a nice visit. To answer pps question about the visit, it's been planned a few weeks but he goes regularly or we go together

AddictedtoAIBU do you really think it's possible he's falling in love with her? Even barely knowing her?

OP posts: