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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for this to make me sad that he's had his head turned?

888 replies

Buttmonkey86 · 21/04/2018 19:28

I think or rather hope I'm being a bit silly. I don't want to bring it up with real life people.

My partner works in a creative environment for a large company. About six months ago he was part responsible for the hiring of a new woman.

I don't think for a second he would ever do anything about this, but he's never mentioned her since. Ever. He talks about some work people but not her. We have a mutual friend who has befriended this woman and says she's lovely, has fabulous style (important there) and is hilarious. She has also mentioned she's seen my partner looking at her a lot and trying to make her laugh. She said she's seen them have a couple of eye contact moments but the woman usually walks away quickly.

I've seen her once in person and she's very pretty. I didn't like the way I saw my partner watching her though, like he couldn't help himself. He didn't know I'd arrived to collect him early and I saw this through the windows.

AIBU to feel sad about this? Like I said, I don't think he'd do anything about her...I just feel down that he's had his head turned. In the five years we've been together this hasn't happened before

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Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 11/05/2018 19:33

That'd be nice, I guess. My friend said the talking has got a bit less but eye contact increased

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Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 11/05/2018 19:35

I think that's more it, Iwanna. She wants to protect me, but insists woman is a good person. Like I said, I've got nothing against her to be honest. All she's done is exist and find my partner attractive... Two things I did before her #irony

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Cuppaoftea · 11/05/2018 19:38

Friend is adamant that nothing physical has happened and that it's still just looks etc. She said this week he's not been actively going to talk to her as much but she's seen him staring at her like he can't help himself. He hears her heels and instinctively looks up and there's an 'eye contact moment' or they'll be talking at a distance but constant eye contact etc

Sounds like two people with an understanding to me. Your friend can't possibly be privy to all communication between them.

What does the woman have to be feeling 'sad and guilty' about if they've still just exchanged a few looks? Unless she's just really young/needy/ott. She didn't choose to confide in your mutual friend by coincidence though.

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 11/05/2018 19:42

I don't think it's a coincidence, I think it's just crap. I think she's a bit naive about it getting back to me. Mutual friend is her only actual outside work friend there who also knows them both (I'm cringing at how incestuous that sounds)

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Cuppaoftea · 11/05/2018 19:43

On the bright side less active going over to talk with her is good news and maybe it will all blow over. Maybe she’s noticed it’s less and misses it which is why she said those things, but will get her head on straight soon.

Or they're becoming more secretive with their conversations, by phone/online.

Laiste · 11/05/2018 19:47

OP I've been on this thread enough times now for you to be thoroughly sick of me know what i'd be doing, but i'm not you and i'm trying hard to think of how to help.

I ask this kindly, but i wonder why are you accepting or even asking this friend for info. when it clearly upsets you and yet you won't act on it. Genuine question.

If you trust your DP then properly leave him (them) to it. No?

Are you waiting for some specific trigger?

Cuppaoftea · 11/05/2018 19:50

butt she can't be naive about it getting back to you considering all the questions your friend was probing her with and the woman requesting she stop asking as friend was in a shitty position between you both.

Surely if the woman really wanted to discuss her feelings in confidence she'd do that with a family member or friend away from their workplace who could give her unbiased advice.

She wanted you to get that message.

Laiste · 11/05/2018 19:55

I think the same cup.

I this this woman is a proper piece of work.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 11/05/2018 19:59

Yes, I agree that she is not talking to your friend coincidentally and that she knew your friend would report back.

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 11/05/2018 19:59

Maybe. But I think it's the fact she knows him too. In a weird way, I can understand that.

I don't know, Laiste, I really don't. I think while I know there's nothing I can do to stop him (and...you know, I think that's it. There's nothing I can or would want to do to stop him so I want to know details so I can judge the - threat is the wrong word but yeah. That was more of a stream of consciousness as it came to me as I wrote so not sure if that makes sense

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Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 11/05/2018 20:00

Even if she did know, it wouldn't achieve anything. I'm never going to blame her even if something does happen to end my relationship as she's nothing to me and vice versa

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Laiste · 11/05/2018 20:04

OK i get that.

I find it really really hard to comprehend not throwing your toys out of the pram with him about this. But you're not and that's that Grin

What did your friend say to woman when she told her she wasn't bothering to keep her distance any more ?

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 11/05/2018 20:05

Well, he's going to do what he wants in the end but I wouldn't be able to sit back and wait - it's too easy for him to keep having his cake and eating it. I'd force him to make concrete choices and changes.

PixieN · 11/05/2018 20:06

I’ve experienced an intense feeling of attraction in the past with a work colleague from eye contact alone. Very weird feeling, but prob not that unusual. Having said that, i’ve never felt that ‘jolt’ before the whole time i’ve been married to DH - 10 years. I have no idea if he felt it too as we never voiced anything, but we became friends & there was some mild flirtation. However, he was married (with a pregnant wife at the time) & I was married too. Not everyone will act on these feelings & pursue someone who is already taken. I love my DH too much & we have a shared history together, as did my work colleague with his wife. We both brought our partners up in conversation & that helped to curtail those intense feelings. I’ve since moved jobs (not for this reason) & there was no need to stay in touch.

The thing that strikes me from your posts is that you sound quite defeatist - like it’s inevitable something will happen between them. I would work on building your own self esteem so you remember what a catch you are. Would counselling help? Always remember your own value & that your partner has a lot to lose if he strays Flowers

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 11/05/2018 20:08

That she wasn't overly impressed but as she didn't mean throw herself at him, there wasn't a lot more she could say.

My friend is mainly angry at him too. From her pov he was the one who instigated the attraction/flirtation and is furious with him

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Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 11/05/2018 20:11

If it sounds like that, that's not the case. More the opposite. I'm not defeatist, just that if he is the type of man that WANTS to cheat on me with this woman then he's not the man I love and I don't want that

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PixieN · 11/05/2018 20:17

That’s a good thing - hopefully you’ve made that clear to your partner. If he respects your boundaries, loves you & knows that he’ll lose you if he oversteps them than this woman is not a threat.

user764329056 · 11/05/2018 20:20

Hello OP, they hurriedly married and are still together many years later, I sill can’t believe I had no idea anything was happening between them, it seemed totally impossible at the time, he and I were still sleeping together and all seemed normal between us, yet behind the scenes they were cultivating this secret relationship. My world was turned upside down. I didn’t contact either of them ever again, that was all the dignity I could salvage from the situation. You sound so grounded and yet I can sense your pain, please take care x

Laiste · 11/05/2018 20:24

I 10000000% know if a partner wants to stray they will, and i would rather die than act like a jealous jailor to stop them. I'd rather pack his things and deliver them to her doorstep than beg anyone to stay

HOWEVER

if i knew a woman was making or was about to make a play for my DH and there was a chance that my apathy (knowing about it but doing nothing?) might mean he sleepwalks into doing something i personally deem unforgivable (one kiss? one touch? one night together? whatever) i'd have to say something to force the issue.

I think my biggest fear in life is being left wondering 'what if'? It's such an unusual position to be in. A subtle thing. But I just couldn't sit by and have all this happen to me like a person in the audience ....

ConferenceBores · 11/05/2018 20:35

It’s a tricky one - il be honest and say I think both my dh and I have had crushes, like Cannock said, and we’ve set firmer boundaries and it has fizzled out. Both your DP and the woman are acting crappy imo as they’re indulging themselves a bit going by what has happened and what your friend says. Yes, he’s married, the main responsibly is his, but she’s also not acting nicely. cuppa has the right of it - people who are genuinely ashamed of their actions stop, they don’t bemoan to work friends about it, it smacks of insincerity and setting up excuses.

What helped me when my dh was indulging in a crush that went nowhere was thinking through plans without dh and realising things wouldn’t be so bad. Maybe time to do some worst case planning for an odd kind of reassurance.

I did get angry and weepy - I don’t know if it helped him sort it out or if it was never that serious, but it made me feel better!

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 11/05/2018 20:35

I think why I can (though definitely not apathetic as I very much care) is that the what if factor works the opposite way to me...what if me intervening stops him/her...I shouldn't be the one stopping him cheating

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ConferenceBores · 11/05/2018 20:41

Talking to him isn’t really an intervention hard going to stop him cheating though.

Do you have anyone that could take the dc for a weekend so you could go away together and discuss things?

Laiste · 11/05/2018 20:50

I can't fault your logic. It does work both ways.

You can't stop him walking off that cliff if that's what he means to do. As long as i was 100% sure i'd made it crystal clear that i was watching him and would turn my back forever if he stepped off the edge then i'd feel i'd done my bit and the ball was then in his court.

GrannyGrissle · 11/05/2018 21:01

Personally i would keep putting it from my mind (CBT techniques!) and get on with razzing up my life; meet friends out, join a gym, up the self care. All confidence boosting distractions which will also quite possibly turn DH's head. You sound so sensible and level headed OP and i agree re. 'Stopping' him etc being offensive in itself.

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 11/05/2018 21:02

Before all this we've discussed it, so he does know. He's also not stupid (well, most of the time...he apparently walked into a pillar while looking at her. It's almost like a parody of the man I know, it's embarrassing)

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