AIBU for this to make me sad that he's had his head turned?

[Buttmonkey86]

I think or rather hope I'm being a bit silly. I don't want to bring it up with real life people.

My partner works in a creative environment for a large company. About six months ago he was part responsible for the hiring of a new woman.

I don't think for a second he would ever do anything about this, but he's never mentioned her since. Ever. He talks about some work people but not her. We have a mutual friend who has befriended this woman and says she's lovely, has fabulous style (important there) and is hilarious. She has also mentioned she's seen my partner looking at her a lot and trying to make her laugh. She said she's seen them have a couple of eye contact moments but the woman usually walks away quickly.

I've seen her once in person and she's very pretty. I didn't like the way I saw my partner watching her though, like he couldn't help himself. He didn't know I'd arrived to collect him early and I saw this through the windows.

AIBU to feel sad about this? Like I said, I don't think he'd do anything about her...I just feel down that he's had his head turned. In the five years we've been together this hasn't happened before

I think you are allowing her to tempt your partner because you think he should be immune from temptation if he truly loves you. With respect, I think you are very wrong. I am old enough to have seen lots of people act on temptation and regret it bitterly afterwards. Both sexes do stupid things that they don’t think through properly.

Of course he is flattered, the OW is going all out to attract him and you are being quite passive. I think OW is behaving really badly, you may not be married but you have a child together and she is effectively putting her desire to fuck your partner above the interests of your child. Please don’t think she is ever going to turn into step mother of the year. She is a selfish, manipulative woman and your child does not need her in their life. Get angry with her on your child’s behalf.

If he leaves you, you could lose your child for 50% of the time. I would really not be passive about that.

Go into their office, be breezy and charming. Make a point of talking to her, invite her to supper since she is becoming such good friends with your partner. Do it all very publically. Let her know that you know exactly what she is up to without any confrontation.

And be very visible in the office. Keep popping in at home time for an impromptu treat with your daughter on the way home. A little bit of office gossip might cool things down.

And be calm but firm with your partner. You are not going to let him drift into an affair. He has to make a decision and think through the consequences of that decision. Does he really want to go through a split and completely change his daughter’s life? Relationships ebb and flow, he needs to put some effort in to the one he has got. And that’s not unromantic, parenting a small child often distracts people and you may just need to focus on each other again for a while.

I think you are right not to put all the blame on her. I think her behaviour is wrong, but she is taking her cue from him - if he isn't prioritising you, then there's no reason why she would.
I agree that you should move your child to a different nursery - one where you can drop him off and get to work. Do it while he is away, since you have that time to think and plan and as a first step to preparing your life without him. I think you do need to get some practical arrangements in place.
Maybe it will wake him up a bit if he sees you are making plans for life without him.

And a final point. You really need to let go of your idea that the OW has no responsibility for what is going on. She is making a choice to go after your partner. There is no star crossed romance here. At the moment your partner can only see the excitement of the new, make him understand the value of what he has.

There's no way I'd breezily go inti his office and invite her round. She'll either decline or nose around your house and slerp with your dp anyway! It's too much doing the pick me dance. Why the bloody hell should you - he knows full well what he's doing and has to make his mind up.
I know you said upthread that it's a complete no, but if he was mine I'd expect him to get a new job - I'd never be able to relax knowing he was working with her and having to make a concerted effort to avoid. So far this has had no negative consequences for him. Time he experienced some imo.

It’s not the pick me dance. It’s making you a reality as opposed to some imaginary partner.

And if I was looking at losing my small child 50% of the time, then I would be having a conversation with my partner about picking his real relationship over his fantasy one.

sorry but i really dont see that shes done anything wrong here - you are being level headed about this. And please dont go to the office to try and show her hes yours or something - there is no need for that and you will might look crazy. Your partner thinks someone is attractive, no big deal, it happens. What he does about that is more important, it sounds as if hes left it where it is - an attraction. I speak as someone who has been cheated on by who i thought was the love of my life - if he's going to stray, he will - that is on him, not you. You have a child together, and you know him best. If he wants to throw everything away for a fantasy - then youre better off without him.

Good luck op. You are behaving very well out of all of this.

Categoric, it wont make any difference for ow to see the OP as a real person - she will do what she wants to do. She has no emotional investment in the OP.
The dp knows full well that the OP is a real person and he does have emotionsl investment. If all that isn't stopping him then meeting Butt isn't going to make ow hold back.

I do agree that the dp needs it very clearly laid out that he is in danger of losing his real life relationship if he doesn't get his head put of his arse.

Maybe it will wake him up a bit if he sees you are making plans for life without him.

Agree with this. As well as nursery think about your home. Not asking you to post any more details on here but you've said you majority own your home though he's the higher earner.

So if he leaves or you tell him to leave can you buy him out of his smaller share. Can you afford to stay there long term with your DC.

It's perfectly possible as the woman will have an idea of what he earns and has probably gleaned some info from your friend about you that she presumes you splitting means him staying in your property and you moving out.

The reality of him sofa surfing with friends (presuming his parents live too far away for commuting), room in a shared house or lodging while he looks for a flat to be able to have your DC for some overnights would hit him and probably their fantasy relationship hard.

Think over residency arrangements. Hopefully it won't come to any of that but prepare for you and your child's sake. Yes let him know you're making plans as he already seems to have one foot out the door, it might just give him the cold reality check he needs.

Oh goodness this is really hard OP. I'm so sorry

I don't blame you for being upset. Hopefully this weekend will give you some space to think it all through. I find it helps to go for a long walk if I need to work something through in my head.

I don't really know what is the best advice and I see people's thoughts are split between talking to him straight or not saying anything. I'm also unsure whether mutual friend's updates are helpful (at least you have a heads up) or harmful (making you more worried). It's a really tough one. If you do choose to talk to your partner, I don't think I'd repeat what mutual friend said about her feelings for him. He doesn't need to have that confirmed.

What I do feel strongly is (as others have said) I don't believe in "the one" or that there's a possibility he is "meant" to be with her. I think we all meet people occasionally who we click with and could imagine being with - sometimes marginally more so than our actual partner. If we all upped sticks every time, there would be chaos. Not saying it doesn't happen of course. But I wouldn't agree that if your partner "likes her more than you" then it's all inevitable.

Although I know these things happen, I'm feeling pretty pissed off with both of them on your behalf right now (whether or not anything is likely to actually happen).

I'm not sure what the right advice is though . Thinking of you and hoping it all works out xx

If you do choose to talk to your partner, I don't think I'd repeat what mutual friend said about her feelings for him. He doesn't need to have that confirmed.

The part I would repeat is that she has dared to discuss butt directly with their mutual friend and said she feels shit for her, basically indicating he would choose OW over butt.

Now he ought to be outraged by that piece of information. If he isn't then it would demonstrate to me he's given OW assurances of his feelings butt isn't yet privy to.

I see where you're coming from Cuppa but personally I don't think I'd mention mutual friend at all, as at the moment she's a valuable source of info and crush woman is confiding in her. This is likely to stop if she knows it's getting back to you

No way would I be going to his workplace and inviting her over.

If my man isn't commited enough to not cross the line, then he's not the one for me.

It's his job yo maintain appropriate boundaries.

I see where you're coming from Cuppa but personally I don't think I'd mention mutual friend at all, as at the moment she's a valuable source of info and crush woman is confiding in her. This is likely to stop if she knows it's getting back to you

In a previous conversation the OW asked for no more questions from the friend as she said it was putting the friend in a shitty position between her and butt. She knows the friend has been talking to butt, therefore interesting choice of confidante by OW when she's crying how she can't resist him and how bad she feels . . .

Also crying over him is a bit much if all they've really done is exchange glances and discussed niche music. Either she's very needy (which might freak him out and bring him to his senses) or this is a mutual, fully blown emotional affair and it's confession time for him.

Either she's very needy (which might freak him out and bring him to his senses) or this is a mutual, fully blown emotional affair and it's confession time for him.

Agree with this. It all sounds a bit odd & ott IMVHO

Categoric what you are advising the OP to do absolutely IS the pick me dance.

That is a good point Cuppa about the choice of confidante. I would assume she was telling OP’s friend with the main aim for it to get back. Just out of interest - How did your friend respond to OW? Hope she told her to grow up!!

Such a difficult situation and it must be unbearable for you OP. Hope you are having some me time while he is away, and are being kind to yourself.

Categoric what do you mean OP is "alllowing her to tempt her partner ...............how is OP responsible for someone elses behaviour

And shes not being passive...............shes behaving with dignity In fact the OP has handled this in a very dignified way.

Why didnt you just go the whole 1950s rhetoric and just post "its the woman that holds a marriage together"

Yeah I agree. That's what I would call a crush, rather than just noticing that someone is attractive. Where you actually feel that connection, and feel that something could happen if you were single. However I still think we all get those from time to time, and don't necessarily act on them, because we love our partners and don't want to chuck away all that we have (if we have any sense)!
I completely agree with this. Films and TV always seem to show any attraction developing into a relationship, even if the people are already in relationships, but I have several times met people where there's a strong connection but I wouldn't pursue it due to one or both being in a committed relationship.
Had a colleague years ago who explained he had a crush on me, and that he knew it wasn't going anywhere as he was married. I was very attracted to him but agreed (and didn't tell him it was a mutual attraction, just agreed he was right).

I continued to work with him for several years, met his wife at socials, had to go on a few work trips together, and nothing ever happened. That's real life with decent people - imo, there is no 'I just couldn't help it', with relationships and affairs. OPs OH needs to have a hard think.

Lot of replies to come back to, thanks all.

Yeah, I'm not going to invite her over or anything weird. Appreciate the sentiment but it's just not me.

Nobody was crying over him, except me. And even then it was more for the situation.

The woman (can't call her other woman personally as I don't think it warrants that yet anyway) was sad/feeling guilty, not crying.

Actually saw my friend on her lunch break rather than just on the phone. Friend is adamant that nothing physical has happened and that it's still just looks etc. She said this week he's not been actively going to talk to her as much but she's seen him staring at her like he can't help himself. He hears her heels and instinctively looks up and there's an 'eye contact moment' or they'll be talking at a distance but constant eye contact etc

I will probably sounds really naive saying this, but does that build up to more? I've never been with someone where eye contact at a distance feels powerful like it seems to be described. I don't think I've articulated that that well but will clarify if not clear

...and also my friend wasn't torturing me, I asked

He hears her heels and instinctively looks up and there's an 'eye contact moment' or they'll be talking at a distance but constant eye contact etc

Seriously?

I can't work out in this who the drama llama is - your friend or the pair of you.

She's being a voyeur and it's quite creepy. As far as you know NOTHING is going on.

I agree, it does sound like your friend should be off writing romances.

OP, this must be horrible. I'm really sorry you're going through this. Have a wonderfully self-indulgent weekend - do everything you love doing.

Yeah, you're right, cisters. Totally thriving on the threat to my family/life as I know it. Drama central.

If you don't want to read, please don't but don't call me a drama seeker.

Yes, I'm serious with what I wrote. My friend isn't enjoying this anymore than I am, she was pissed off. Like the heels thing, it's every time she passes not a couple of times.

I'm posting to vent/for help not drama

On the bright side less active going over to talk with her is good news and maybe it will all blow over. Maybe she’s noticed it’s less and misses it which is why she said those things, but will get her head on straight soon.

Your friend is just now very aware of everything - I don't think she is being a drama llama. Once you are sensitive to a given situation it's hard not to notice.