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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for this to make me sad that he's had his head turned?

888 replies

Buttmonkey86 · 21/04/2018 19:28

I think or rather hope I'm being a bit silly. I don't want to bring it up with real life people.

My partner works in a creative environment for a large company. About six months ago he was part responsible for the hiring of a new woman.

I don't think for a second he would ever do anything about this, but he's never mentioned her since. Ever. He talks about some work people but not her. We have a mutual friend who has befriended this woman and says she's lovely, has fabulous style (important there) and is hilarious. She has also mentioned she's seen my partner looking at her a lot and trying to make her laugh. She said she's seen them have a couple of eye contact moments but the woman usually walks away quickly.

I've seen her once in person and she's very pretty. I didn't like the way I saw my partner watching her though, like he couldn't help himself. He didn't know I'd arrived to collect him early and I saw this through the windows.

AIBU to feel sad about this? Like I said, I don't think he'd do anything about her...I just feel down that he's had his head turned. In the five years we've been together this hasn't happened before

OP posts:
rodstewartsmerkin · 10/05/2018 20:59

I haven’t read the full thread but you’re too good for this crap.

You need to tell him straight to either tell her to get to fuck or pack his bags.

I rarely say ltb but honestly you will drive yourself to despair worrying about this

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 10/05/2018 21:00

What happened to them, user764329056 ? And thank you

OP posts:
JamesBlonde1 · 10/05/2018 21:00

I don’t get this talk about it just being him who needs to control himself. I realise he’s the one in the relationship, so yes it’s his responsibility.

But bloody hell, to potentially chase a man when you know he’s in a relationship, and with a child, is very shitty. If she did this she’d be an absolute cow. All the single men out there!

ConferenceBores · 10/05/2018 21:08

Yeah I don’t have any sympathy for the crush woman - it’s pretty simple to shut down personal conversations at work and set firm boundaries, im sure the ‘nothing doing’ message would soon be got. I’m sorry op, they both sound like fantasists.

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 10/05/2018 21:08

It IS just him though, to me. She could be naked in front of him and it's still his responsibility to say no

I'm obviously not defending her, but nobody said she was chasing him. Just not staying away from him like she initially said to protect herself

OP posts:
Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 10/05/2018 21:09

Fantasists how?

OP posts:
ConferenceBores · 10/05/2018 21:10

You’re not wrong butt, it is his responsibility, 100%, it doesn’t help that she’s encouraging him though. I don’t have any advice, I hope he sees sense.

ConferenceBores · 10/05/2018 21:12

Oh unable to keep away from each other, special connection etc - fantasists in that way. He’s already found the love of his life, you.

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 10/05/2018 21:13

That's not necessarily true though it it :( His could be her and if that's true, he's certainly not mine

OP posts:
LanguidLobster · 10/05/2018 21:14

It just feels to me like she's being self indulgent and disrespectful.

Hope it all works out anyway.

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 10/05/2018 21:31

Isn't everyone?

I know I sound patient with her, but I don't... she is nothing to me. But part of me is thinking in the future she could be my child's step mother if certain pps experience comes true. I think the fact I finally have space and will do for a few days, it's hitting me more

OP posts:
LanguidLobster · 10/05/2018 21:57

I really think you need to enjoy the time to yourself and shut it out of your head (as much as possible!) for a few days.

So nice food, pampering, music/movies, catch up with family and friends

timeisnotaline · 10/05/2018 22:08

I would really want to make the odd appearance at the office and I still think there should be happy snaps on ig and her added if she is going to be like this. She should have her face rubbed in his family if she’s happy to encourage a married man, yes it’s up to your dp but her behaviour is also not on.

rodstewartsmerkin · 10/05/2018 22:14

@Buttmonkey86

You need peace from this shit. It is his responsibility to say no but Christ almighty she is a piece of work to be going after a taken man. She is a disgrace to women everywhere.

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 10/05/2018 22:22

He's not married. We aren't married

I didn't anywhere say she was now 'going after' him and think calling her a piece of work or a disgrace to women is way ott.

Again, not defending her specifically, but in theory all she has done is exist. It's not up to her to discourage anyone or care about my relationship. That's his job only...and only if thats what he actually wants :/

I'm not going to go anywhere near his workplace without reason and refuse to resort to crazy/sad behaviour.

I know all written is out of feeling for me and being on my side trying to make me feel better and I really appreciate your support, but some suggestions just aren't me

OP posts:
LanguidLobster · 10/05/2018 22:29

It's probably really transitory, people do have attractions outside a relationship from time to time and generally it fades, it's usually just chemical.

Anyway can you enjoy a few days rest?

timeisnotaline · 10/05/2018 22:44

Sorry- by married I mean married/ taken / in a committed relationship. I think it’s all the same in terms of should be off limits.
Anyway try and make the most of your solo time!

hammeringinmyhead · 10/05/2018 22:54

I don't like it. What she is doing, handwringing and woe-is-me, is like coughing and spluttering at work the day before you're going to pull a sickie. Saying you feel like shit about your actions doesn't make them less shitty.

Blit · 10/05/2018 23:01

I wouldn't want to be with someone who would rather be elsewhere, so I would probably tell him to leave. The harsh light of reality needs to be shone on this pair, because as it stands they are thriving on the illicit nature of things. His enjoyment is at the expense of your understandable misery, he needs to feel a bit of misery too.

The mutual friend situation is slightly bizarre, and needs to stop.

Elisandra · 11/05/2018 00:02

OP, it sounds like you are trying so hard not to overreact or be paranoid or unfair that you’ve turned yourself inside out trying to be reasonable. But to be blunt, where has that got you?

Going back to his reaction to your raising the situation:

he said he does find her attractive and gets the vibe that it's mutual.
He admitted the eye thing and that they both sort of try to avoid each other because of it.

He did say that he didn't accept her [on instagram] as he didn't want her seeing family pictures.

And he was immediately clearly not avoiding her and shutting things down, but photographing her etc.

This is not OK. I’d call it an emotional affair. They might not be having long, heartfelt chats alone, but they are communicating to each other re their mutual bond regardless. Yes, it’s a self-indulgent fantasy, but it’s disrespectful towards you, and obviously so hurtful.

That he should carry on with this after you’ve told him you’re aware is just totally unacceptable.

He’s getting a kick out of this. It may well never become physical. I think there are many men with partners and kids who have no intention of leaving, but who love to get an ego boost from connections like this. Classic having his cake and eating it.
Shamefully, I’ve been the OW in an emotional affair. I didn’t know the term then and minimised what was happening as being OK as long as it didn’t become physical. I’m now disgusted with myself. I finally lost all respect for him and saw that he had behaved appallingly. I think he dealt with it by extreme compartmentalisation - his wife and I, as a close friend, were simply different relationships. He never let himself worry about the potential effect on her (or on me).

But, as far as I know (and I’m pretty sure) she never called him out on it. So he never had to face it head on. When I raised it with him he got (uncharacteristically) cross, and I backed off.

tl;dr: he may have no intention of making it physical, but he is still prioritising his ego-boost and work-place frisson over your feelings. And he doesn’t seem to feel any compunction. I’d attempt to break down that compartmentalisation.

Elisandra · 11/05/2018 00:14

Also, this isn’t about her being a more attractive prospect who he simply can’t resist. It’s about him being so self-indulgent that he’s prepared to flirt to the point where others notice.
In my case, yes there was a mutual attraction, but more importantly I was dumb and self-indulgent enough myself to engage with him. Attached men have put out feelers since but I’ve just not responded. It can be quite subtle too.
The fantasy is that she’s so special he can’t tear his eyes away, and he’s trying to cool it but they are unavoidably drawn together. Bollocks. It’s all self-indulgent ego-stroking. It’s a choice he has made.

saiya06 · 11/05/2018 00:26

I know people get very mad about this advice but I would change the subject to strengthening the relationship between you two. Not pandering or competing but improving.

Are you bored? Is he? Can you do more stuff together? Share more hobbies?

ResurrectedGoldfish · 11/05/2018 01:17

Poor you, OP what an awful situation to be in, and you're handling it so well. Much better than I would, I suspect. The thing is, you've told him how upset this is making you, and have been totally reasonable and rational. The onus is on him to do what he can to reassure you, which he doesn't seem to be doing. It could just be that he is being deliberately oblivious and hoping that it will sort itself out in the end, but a) that's not good enough, and b) it's not going to work. The situation was caused by his actions, it's him who has the responsibility to change it. If it means having no more than a cordial relationship with this women, so be it. Lots of people work with people who they're only casual acquaintances with. If that's going to be difficult for them, than therein lies the answer. But ultimately, it's his responsibility to fix this, not yours. It does seem to me like he's put you in a very unpleasant situation "well, I do fancy her, but there's nothing I'm really going to do about it, so you'll just have to deal with it and trust that it's not going to lead to anything". It's an unfair expectation to put on anybody.

ResurrectedGoldfish · 11/05/2018 01:24

Just for context, something similar happened to me, but the other way round. I got on well with a colleague, we had a lot in common, the relationship seemed to have the potential to develop into a good friendship, but I was telling my husband about this person and how well we got on, and just from his response, I could tell that it made him uncomfortable/a bit insecure. So I didn't pursue the friendship, and that was that. Ultimately my DH's happiness was more important to me than a possible friendship with someone I really didn't know well anyway. Just to make it clear, my DH doesn't control my friendships or anything like that, it was just this one person that made him feel a bit wobbly.

Cuppaoftea · 11/05/2018 09:07

Today woman spoke to my friend all upset. Said she feels like shit regarding me etc and is more and more drawn to dp and has stopped actively trying to stay away from him.

Sounds like things are progressing between them and she is preparing your friend, getting her excuses in. Neither the woman nor your DP will want to damage their reputation at work or lose friends among colleagues.

Agree with pp, definitely already an emotional affair. How long has your DP's trip to his parents been planned. Just wondering if he's looking for space to think himself.

I'd confront him when he gets home, tell him what she said. His reaction to that tells you all you need to know. And move your DC from the nursery at his work before she's introduced within five minutes as 'they work together, he just introduced her as a friend'.