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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for this to make me sad that he's had his head turned?

888 replies

Buttmonkey86 · 21/04/2018 19:28

I think or rather hope I'm being a bit silly. I don't want to bring it up with real life people.

My partner works in a creative environment for a large company. About six months ago he was part responsible for the hiring of a new woman.

I don't think for a second he would ever do anything about this, but he's never mentioned her since. Ever. He talks about some work people but not her. We have a mutual friend who has befriended this woman and says she's lovely, has fabulous style (important there) and is hilarious. She has also mentioned she's seen my partner looking at her a lot and trying to make her laugh. She said she's seen them have a couple of eye contact moments but the woman usually walks away quickly.

I've seen her once in person and she's very pretty. I didn't like the way I saw my partner watching her though, like he couldn't help himself. He didn't know I'd arrived to collect him early and I saw this through the windows.

AIBU to feel sad about this? Like I said, I don't think he'd do anything about her...I just feel down that he's had his head turned. In the five years we've been together this hasn't happened before

OP posts:
Laiste · 06/05/2018 20:45

The whole dynamic between MF and OW must be a bit weird now though tbh.

I mean if i was OPs friend i wouldn't be feeling too friendly towards OW under the circs.

And if i was the OW i wouldn't be expecting the friendship with MF to be too good having admitted to fancying her best mate's husband and realising the two of them were watching me like hawks!

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 06/05/2018 20:49

That's right, Laiste

It's not in itself but it sounds like the woman feels awkward being questioned by somebody who is the partner of someone who they are attracted to. I don't know if it feels surreal still and that contributes to the calmness but in a way, that makes sense to me

He's being his normal attentive self over this weekend. I've not brought her up. I think if he's going to throw our family away then there's nothing I can do to stop that

It does make me wonder about the woman...would she go against what she said about not wanting a man with children. Should she try and put him off?

Ive had a drink this evening so you'll have to excuse me if this posy doesn't make a lot of sense!

OP posts:
Laiste · 06/05/2018 20:53

OP, this might be bad form, but are you following the current thread on AIBU: ''Over reacting to husbands new female friend?''?

I know the situation is not identical i know, i'm not meaning to make direct comparisons, it's more about the principals involved. The advice there has been very sound, and the OP seems to be drawing a lot of strength from it.

Laiste · 06/05/2018 20:54

x post OP. Your posy makes perfect sense :)

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 06/05/2018 20:55

Haha posy Grin

OP posts:
WhatsGoingOnEh · 06/05/2018 22:40

Thanks, @Laiste! 😊

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 08/05/2018 21:10

MachineBee has that happened to many people you know, marrying someone else? Has that happened even when they've loved each other immediately prior?

If anybody is still reading and have had experience of this, how did the affairs go from where I'm at to actually developing into something?

OP posts:
HelenaDove · 08/05/2018 21:28

Buttmonkey its really not fair on you that his behaviour is making you torture yourself like this.

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 08/05/2018 21:38

It might not sound it, but it helps me being able to use here as a sounding board and get other's experiences. This is the only outlet for it, Im not going on in real life about it

OP posts:
HelenaDove · 08/05/2018 21:50

I understand I wasnt getting at you honestly Thanks

im angry on your behalf because you sound like a nice person

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 09/05/2018 00:43

Thank you

OP posts:
MachineBee · 09/05/2018 07:57

I’m sorry to say OP that yes there have been some seemingly pretty short time frames. The worst was a friend of mine who’s DP admitted to an affair with a woman he met on an overseas business trip whilst my friend’s father was dying in hospital. Her DP was married to the OW with a child within a year.

I think when a DP checks out of a relationship they’ve already spent a lot of time thinking things through for themselves. If an escape route presents (OW/OM) it doesn’t take them much time to make the move. To everyone else it can seem like it came out of the blue.

Being married is no protection from this happening but having to go through a divorce with asset splits can slow things down before leaving party is ‘free’ to pursue the new relationship.

Non-married couples don’t have the legal stuff to deal with to the same extent. OP - ironically you may be in a better position than if you were married as you won’t have to split your assets like you would if you divorced and your DP will still have to pay child support.

If you feel you have a relationship worth saving then another friend’s situation may cheer you up. My friend is married but after their first child was born her DH started going out a lot with and behaving like he was a single guy. Coming back late, often drunk, spending money they really didn’t have etc. My friend arranged a babysitter, packed a suitcase with his stuff, arranged to meet him after work in a local pub (before he went out with his mates) and told him straight that his behaviour was out of line, he wasn’t behaving like the sort of husband he had promised to be or that she wanted, nor was he being the sort of father she wanted for her child. She gave him the suitcase and said he had a choice. Come back that evening at a sensible time and commit to his family, pull his socks up and grow up - or don’t bother and the rest of his stuff would be on their drive ready for collection in the morning.

He came back at 10pm that evening and they are still together with 4 DCs and are one of the strongest couples I know.

DisappearingGirl · 09/05/2018 20:22

OP I have been thinking about this thread a lot and I think you have handled this brilliantly so far. I'm a bit concerned that many posters seem to be pushing you to have it out with him, lay down boundaries etc. I guess some people are coming to this with bad experiences of affairs, and also on MN people like to push posters to move a story along even if it would be better to leave it.

I actually think that now you've had a couple of honest discussions with him about it (and hopefully burst the bubble a bit), you're right that the best thing to do is leave it for now. Otherwise I agree you run the risk of giving it/her even more headspace, and maybe sort of normalising it.

Hard as it is, I would leave it now and focus on a) doing some nice things as a couple/family and b) doing something you enjoy. I don't mean in a desperate way to "win" him back, just getting on with life in a positive way. If you need to vent about the situation maybe do it on here or to a friend (not the mutual work friend - I think it's good you've asked her to tone down the updates). But maybe don't mention to him anymore, assuming nothing changes.

He's said he loves you and wants to be with you. There's nothing more you can really do. We all have crushes from time to time, but not all men go off and have affairs, and hopefully he won't. If he does, there's nothing you can do about it, and he's a fool. Just my opinion anyway. Good luck!

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 09/05/2018 21:49

Thanks for the lengthy reply, MachineBee. I appreciate it

DisappearingGirl, thank you. I think some may be taking my reaction as apathy and that's not the case at all. Up until this point, he's adored me. If it was just a physical thing and he looked at her etc, I would be hurt but it wouldn't bother me. Him asking her questions about herself and wanting to know little tidbits about her...bothers me but I do believe that if he wants her, there's nothing I can do about it

OP posts:
DisappearingGirl · 09/05/2018 22:20

Yeah I agree. That's what I would call a crush, rather than just noticing that someone is attractive. Where you actually feel that connection, and feel that something could happen if you were single. However I still think we all get those from time to time, and don't necessarily act on them, because we love our partners and don't want to chuck away all that we have (if we have any sense)!

Hopefully as he seems like a good guy who loves you (plus he knows you're aware of the situation and have a friend at his work) he'll be capable of not acting on his crush since he has a lovely actual partner & family!

MachineBee · 10/05/2018 07:50

Thanks ButtMonkey86. Didn’t mean it to be so long Blush, but hope it was helpful. DisappearingGirl offers a good strategy. I really hope you get through this and can laugh about it together in the future. Flowers

timeisnotaline · 10/05/2018 10:09

I think I agree with disappearing girl. I guess it’s a reminder to you that you are a person too and to make sure you prioritise yourself sometimes, not just be a wife and mother. Your child has two parents and you should be able to have other interests in life (not saying you don’t, but my dhs occasional rather selfish behaviour has taught me to prioritise me more rather than wait for him to)

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 10/05/2018 20:45

I think the not so calm me has just surfaced. I've just had a cry. My partner has taken our child to his parents to visit for the weekend so I've got some proper head space and I think it finally hit me.

Today friend asked me if nothing physical had happened would I want to know or only if something had. I could tell she'd got something so couldn't resist asking.

My dp isn't involved as such so not said anything to him. Today woman spoke to my friend all upset. Said she feels like shit regarding me etc and is more and more drawn to dp and has stopped actively trying to stay away from him.

I know I've said it through the thread and I'm a firm believer that the partner holds all responsibility but what if he likes her more than he loves me? I think the dawning of that and having the house to myself is setting in

OP posts:
LanguidLobster · 10/05/2018 20:48

Actually I don't like the sound of her much

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 10/05/2018 20:50

What?

OP posts:
LanguidLobster · 10/05/2018 20:52

It seems a bit out of order if she's wittering on her feelings at work.

You deserve better.

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 10/05/2018 20:54

It's not at work they are talking about this, they are friends outside of work too

OP posts:
LanguidLobster · 10/05/2018 20:55

Does she know your friend would tell you?

user764329056 · 10/05/2018 20:57

Hello OP, can relate to a lot of your experience except OW in my case was a friend of mine, it happened really quickly and he and I were still in love, as far as I could tell, up to this whirlwind with her and he checked out really quickly, it was incomprehensible to me and something I have never truly come to terms with many years later. I hope you find the peace you deserve xx

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 10/05/2018 20:59

I highly doubt it. Nobody in their right mind would tell somebody these things if they knew they were getting back to me. She doesn't really matter to me as such or how she feels...It's up to him, but like I said, the reality that he could like her more than me is dawning on me tonight and I think thats the most pathetic thing I've ever said

OP posts:
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