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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for this to make me sad that he's had his head turned?

888 replies

Buttmonkey86 · 21/04/2018 19:28

I think or rather hope I'm being a bit silly. I don't want to bring it up with real life people.

My partner works in a creative environment for a large company. About six months ago he was part responsible for the hiring of a new woman.

I don't think for a second he would ever do anything about this, but he's never mentioned her since. Ever. He talks about some work people but not her. We have a mutual friend who has befriended this woman and says she's lovely, has fabulous style (important there) and is hilarious. She has also mentioned she's seen my partner looking at her a lot and trying to make her laugh. She said she's seen them have a couple of eye contact moments but the woman usually walks away quickly.

I've seen her once in person and she's very pretty. I didn't like the way I saw my partner watching her though, like he couldn't help himself. He didn't know I'd arrived to collect him early and I saw this through the windows.

AIBU to feel sad about this? Like I said, I don't think he'd do anything about her...I just feel down that he's had his head turned. In the five years we've been together this hasn't happened before

OP posts:
Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 05/05/2018 18:48

I took pp advice and said that to friend this afternoon, to not want to know unless she absolutely thinks it's necessary.

At the same time she said that woman has said she's in a crappy position so would prefer no questioning regarding my partner

OP posts:
HelenaDove · 05/05/2018 18:50

"She asked him to do a personal favour for her (think finding out some trivial info) and he did it straight away instead of forgetting."

Meaning that when you ask a favour of him he "forgets" ?

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 05/05/2018 19:14

Sometimes but he is very thoughtful as a person. He has a million things to do at work, lots of meetings etc and with the promotion he's got even more so as he was on his way to a meeting, I found it strange that he went and found out this personal info first (just about someone's birthday) and got back to her almost immediately

OP posts:
TomHardyswife · 05/05/2018 19:54

*She's in a crappy position and would prefer no questioning regarding my partner
*
Well what did she expect?

I think if I had been her, I would not have admitted having feelings or feeling attracted to my work colleague knowing it could well get back to his partner. She's put herself in the crappy position!

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 05/05/2018 20:02

She meant my friend in the crappy position of being friends with her and being friends with me

With my most level head, the woman hasn't done anything wrong. I don't have any ill will towards her

OP posts:
hubblebubbleworry · 05/05/2018 21:30

I agree with timeisnotonaline, you don’t indulge in chats about niche music and animals if you’re attracted to someone you shouldn’t be and trying to distance yourself.

I guess you’re hoping that this is all it is, a bit of indulgence in a crush. I do agree that knowing the ins and outs is merely going to make it all harder for you.

Tbh if I were the woman and I was getting the ‘l like the same music, how special and unique we are’ patter from your dh, I’d hope she’s a bit creeped out by him.

It’s hardly mills and boom territory if you stand to be a major player in a messy split involving dc.

lindyhopy · 05/05/2018 21:41

it sounds like the OW and your DH have had a conversation about not saying anything to your friend.

Cuppaoftea · 05/05/2018 21:50

it sounds like the OW and your DH have had a conversation about not saying anything to your friend.

This.

tootstastic · 05/05/2018 22:42

I agree with pp too, I'd say he's more than likely told her that you're onto them and not to say anything else to your friend.

I think this indicates that they've admitted to each other how they feel. I don't get the impression that anything physical has happened yet, but I'm afraid it's already an emotional affair, sorry OP.

peanutbutterbanana1 · 06/05/2018 07:36

Sorry your going through this. It is shit knowing your DH is attracted to someone else. I would most definitely have a talk and set boundaries of what is acceptable. He most definitely doesn’t sound like he is avoiding her at work, taking pictures of her and telling her the pictures are lovely and going to speak to her about their taste in music. These are not something I would be putting up with as they have happened after the conversation you had about being uncomfortable about it. The fact that the Woman will not speak to your friend about your DH says to me she is now hiding something...or will be in the near future (would like things to go further.) 😢

seventh · 06/05/2018 07:48

Ach. This is so painful, but in my opinion (and experience truth be told), you can't stop it. He can stop it if he wants to. But you can't.

A leap of faith would be to tell him to go for it. If he is 'allowed' to see this woman warts and all, not simply as a fantasy princess, he might go off the idea and off her.

Leaps of faith are scary.

You might find that if he takes you up on this, YOU won't want HIM after a while.

But whatever you decide to do, you can't make anyone feel or not feel.

You are only in control of you.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 06/05/2018 08:28

I think he is absolutely taking the piss. It's true that you can't stop him and that you can only control what you do and in your shoes I'd be asking him to leave and sort out his priorities. But he does so in the knowledge that while he's 'thinking', you will be thinking too.
You don't want him by default and you don't want to be passively sitting back and letting this unfold.

lizzie1970a · 06/05/2018 09:44

The OW isn't doing much to deter him though, is she. He's to blame but knowing he's married (sorry I forget whether you have a child too) she's hardly covering herself in glory. A lot of workplaces take a dim view of romances evolving during work time. They used to anyway.

MachineBee · 06/05/2018 09:45

Delurking to comment that I think you know in your gut that this is bad.

Most affairs come to light because something very small and insignificant that others not involved would miss, just simply feels a bit off.

But your friend picked up on it because she knows you both well.

If I was you, would be getting my ducks in a row, have an escape plan and some personal savings and then really make it clear to him that this isn’t acceptable. Tell him in no uncertain terms that you want him to man up and be a respectful partner to you and father to your child. Really make it clear that he is being an immature fool about this.

I’m afraid the fact he hasn’t married you despite you having a child and a mortgage is also rather telling. Sadly almost everyone I know who has been in the same position as you has ended up being left for someone else who they went on to marry.

Sorry to be so blunt. I have been in your position and it stinks, but stop making excuses for him and start standing up for yourself, your DC and if you still think it’s worth it, your relationship.

timeisnotaline · 06/05/2018 09:52

I think people are jumping to conclusions which must be stressing the op out. It really doesn’t seem like anything is happening yet much less an elaborate trail of deception - honestly if they were meeting and communication secretly they’d be more likely to be avoiding each other at the office at this point. She knows he’s married, she knows op has friends at the office, he knows he’s married, etc.

Cuppaoftea · 06/05/2018 10:12

butt and her DP aren't married, have one young DC who goes to nursery at her DP's workplace, butt owns the larger share of their property.

Agree with MachineBee although thank goodness you aren't married if this is the level of commitment he's showing. Protect your assets.

If the woman had no intention of pursuing things with your DP she wouldn't have made that comment to your friend about your friend being in a crappy position and her preferring no questioning.

She wouldn't be giving him glowy smiles, engaging in personal conversations with him (funnily enough she was happy to pass that on to your friend), asking him to do trivial favours. And you are only privy to snippets of what's going on, one thing that stands out for me is that the times you yourself have seen them interacting you've felt sick in your gut.

He is the one at fault, absolutely. But it is clear this is mutual and progressing quickly.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 06/05/2018 12:13

The other thing is that ow owes you nothing. She won't be worrying about you if you are getting in the way of a relationship she decides she wants to persue. Esp since he is not married to you. So don't count on her to behave fairly.

loudaloneknows · 06/05/2018 12:31

I think you're unhealthily obsessing about this and it will drive a wedge between you and your DP, which is the opposite of what you want. I'm glad you've told the friend to stop the updates - you really do not need to know about every tiny interaction.

Sweetpea55 · 06/05/2018 15:52

Can't believe this is still going on
Stop torturing yourself op.

Butterymuffin · 06/05/2018 16:19

Yeah, cos it's that easy. What is she supposed to do?

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 06/05/2018 18:35

Thanks for the summary, Cuppa. She is right/accurate regarding our situation

...and thanks, Buttery, quite. Should I just end a 5 year family eh, what am I thinking drawing it out? Hmm

Lizzie - 'The OW isn't doing much to deter him though, is she. He's to blame but knowing he's married (sorry I forget whether you have a child too) she's hardly covering herself in glory.''

I'm typing with my most level head, but the woman isn't doing anything actively wrong. As far as information goes, it seems all they've done is look and talk. I don't have an issue with her as she's not supposed to love me. It's not her responsibility to 'deter' him :'/

OP posts:
Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 06/05/2018 18:37

I may be being naive, but I don't think I put across the I don't want to talk about him comment to my friend well. My friend said she said it in a protecting my friend way. As in, if my friend questions her - I think she's finding it a bit odd now - then her answering anything honestly is putting our mutual friend in an awful position and she wants to retain their friendship

OP posts:
helenvelyn · 06/05/2018 18:57

I will be flamed for this.

I had an affair with a married colleague and I was single. It went on for four months and no one ever suspected a thing because we made a conscious decision at the start to completely stay out of each other's way at work so that no one found out.

That's the only part that makes me wonder if something was going on, they might be a bit more discreet about it.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 06/05/2018 20:30

I'm afraid I honestly don't understand this, with all the shes and hers. I don't know who's talking about whom.

My friend said she said it in a protecting my friend way. As in, if my friend questions her - I think she's finding it a bit odd now - then her answering anything honestly is putting our mutual friend in an awful position and she wants to retain their friendship

Who's finding it a bit odd now - the new employee?

If so, why does it put your friend in an awkward position? Surely that's a very damning statement and a confession of guilt?

Your DP should be committed to you - and the new employee ideally would respect that - so there should be nothing to reveal that could put anyone in an awkward position.

Laiste · 06/05/2018 20:38

MF = mutual friend
OW = office/other woman

so:

MF said OW said it in a protecting my friend way. As in, if my friend questions OW - I think OW's finding it a bit odd now - then OW answering anything honestly is putting our MF in an awful position and OW wants to retain their friendship

is that right?

I can see why OW would feel uncomfortable being questioned by MF. Not so sure about MF being in an ''awkward position'' though. That would surely only arise from there being something actually going on which MF had to keep quiet about. Or not. Chats about music and animal? Hardly awkward stuff is it?