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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for this to make me sad that he's had his head turned?

888 replies

Buttmonkey86 · 21/04/2018 19:28

I think or rather hope I'm being a bit silly. I don't want to bring it up with real life people.

My partner works in a creative environment for a large company. About six months ago he was part responsible for the hiring of a new woman.

I don't think for a second he would ever do anything about this, but he's never mentioned her since. Ever. He talks about some work people but not her. We have a mutual friend who has befriended this woman and says she's lovely, has fabulous style (important there) and is hilarious. She has also mentioned she's seen my partner looking at her a lot and trying to make her laugh. She said she's seen them have a couple of eye contact moments but the woman usually walks away quickly.

I've seen her once in person and she's very pretty. I didn't like the way I saw my partner watching her though, like he couldn't help himself. He didn't know I'd arrived to collect him early and I saw this through the windows.

AIBU to feel sad about this? Like I said, I don't think he'd do anything about her...I just feel down that he's had his head turned. In the five years we've been together this hasn't happened before

OP posts:
Cuppaoftea · 03/05/2018 21:52

Does that sound delusional /pathetic, Cuppa?

No but it does sound like you're trying to convince yourself you can accept what's happening between them and I feel you ought to demand better treatment from him.

RainySeptember · 03/05/2018 22:09

I fear that being passive will lead to disaster. You cannot trust him to do the right thing because he is already doing the wrong thing. I think your choices are putting up a bit of a fight or steeling yourself for worse revelations down the line. You say you don't want to play games, that he needs to make good choices and so on, but he isn't is he.

VerbenaBorensis · 03/05/2018 22:16

I agree with you Butt that you don't really want her in both yr head spaces when at home. The last thing anyone wants is coming home to someone keeping on about it and u don't want to play into her hands. He knows you are aware of the situ so hopefully that will be enough to stop it going any further. He prob realises he's treading on thin ice as yr friend works there.

Laiste · 04/05/2018 09:01

'Feelings', as i think you're meaning them OP, begin with attraction don't they?

Physical affairs can start (and carry on) without any particularly deep feelings. Attraction and lust can be more powerful under the right circumstances than their more noble cousin - 'love'. Especially if lusty attraction is fueled with daily contact and flirting.

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 04/05/2018 18:50

I guess so, Laiste.

I'm so sorry if I'm being boring, it just really helps venting here.

Friend came to meet me after work for a coffee. Not overly happy...I don't know whether to tell her I don't want to know unless it's something irreparable.

She said twice today she saw them together. They were for valid reasons but as she knows the situation she watched then later asked woman. She asked him to do a personal favour for her (think finding out some trivial info) and he did it straight away instead of forgetting.He's a manager so def doesn't need to do anything she asks.

Then later she was playing niche music and he's a massive fan so he went over because of the rareness of anyone else liking it and had a few minute conversation.

Urghh. In theory these are really minor things. Are they minor and I'm reading too much?

OP posts:
Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 04/05/2018 19:40

Just to clarify, she asked woman friend what they were talking about if that didn't make sense reading it back

OP posts:
SunshineandRain18 · 04/05/2018 20:34

They aren't minor when you've asked him to stay away. He is taking the piss!

RainySeptember · 04/05/2018 20:38

Agree, taking the piss. Does he know you have a spy in the camp? He's being especially indiscreet if so.

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 04/05/2018 20:44

I don't have a spy, she's his friend too. I asked her what she thought and she said she doesn't think he's doing anything wrong otherwise she doesn't think he'd do it in front of her too

OP posts:
SunshineandRain18 · 04/05/2018 20:48

He's being an obvious flirt and disregarding everything you say.
If my DP did this, the bags would be at the door for him.

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 04/05/2018 20:54

Would you still think that if he hadn't admitted to finding her attractive?

I spoke to a RL friend today which wasn't easy, but she said these are normal interactions which I could easily be reading too much in to

OP posts:
SunshineandRain18 · 04/05/2018 20:57

But he is attracted to her and that's the point. He knows your boundaries and how you feel.
Doesn't matter whether I'd think this if he wasn't. Because you came here because he is and he has already been flirty at the event.
What I don't think is normal is to knowingly do things that will upset the person you love. That is what he is doing.

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 04/05/2018 21:05

Maybe I wasn't clear...I know you say it doesn't matter, but it matters to me the answer to that, if pp would think the same if I didn't know he found her attractive? I want to gauge whether people would find it meaningful or just like any other colleague, attractive or not

OP posts:
Cuppaoftea · 04/05/2018 21:27

In the context of not knowing he's attracted to her . . . I'd think him keen to get to know her, clearly pleased to find their shared interest in the niche music and trying to impress a little rushing to do the non urgent task for her.

In the context of knowing that he has admitted to you, his long term partner and mother of his child, that he's attracted to her I'd say he's being hugely disrespectful to your feelings and taking you for granted while he looks to gain emotional intimacy with her. Still think he's chasing now he knows she reciprocates his feelings.

timeisnotaline · 04/05/2018 22:02

I think if not attracted those work examples today would be pretty normal for someone you’d gelled with. We all have work buddies, I’ll have behaved the same.
However, if I had admitted annattraction to myself and my dh and seen him upset, I wouldn’t indulge in the chat about music action. Perhaps the look something up because I’d think I can’t say no, and i wouldn’t be able to forget about it so just look it up done.
Overall though I think it’s pretty clear your dh needs to work harder at drawing a line and NOT building further intimacy. He can’t for example defend going for a coffee the way he might with other colleagues. That is not acceptable here.
I don’t know exactly what you should do though, sitting on it for a while might be what I would actually do.

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 04/05/2018 22:17

Cuppa, so both essentially the same but the former potentially harmless?

I think you saying about getting to know her is how I see it. Friend also said he'd asked her if she liked animals when they were talking. It's little things like that that could be entirely innocuous

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Cuppaoftea · 04/05/2018 22:42

Cuppa, so both essentially the same but the former potentially harmless?

Harmless if he wasn't in a relationship with you while attracted to her but he is, knows you're hurt yet is going beyond required work conversations in an attempt to gain personal intimacy with her.

I couldn't accept that if it were me. You don't go out of your way to get to know someone you're seriously attracted to if already fully committed to a relationship with someone else.

JacketPotatoQueen · 05/05/2018 07:13

On the face of it, I wouldn’t think his interactions yesterday were anything to be concerned about, they do sound like normal interactions if you didn’t know he found her attractive. But because you do know that, you are naturally reading more into it. I do wonder about how helpful it is for your friend to keep reporting all this day to day stuff back to you. I agree that it might be better to explain to her that you’re really grateful she has your back, but that it is making you paranoid hearing about every single interaction, and would she mind just reporting back if anything “big” happens. (I’m not sure you could call him up on just talking to her in the workplace without making both you and your friend look a little odd for building a case against him based on all your friend’s observations!). As long as you know she would tell you if anything happened that really concerned her, I think it’s not helping you to hear about every single time he chats to her.

Try to enjoy the bank holiday weekend and put her out of your mind for a few days at least - you never know, she may meet a new man over the weekend!

KeziaOAP · 05/05/2018 07:34

Butt very wise words from Jacket. Concentrate your thoughts into having a lovely weekend as a family.

Bahhhhhumbug · 05/05/2018 09:55

I would struggle to be intimate again with my DH if he'd admitted being attracted to another woman he sees regularly especially. I'd be convinced he was thinking of her. Sorry op but that's just me and l couldn' t deal with it.

XiCi · 05/05/2018 10:04

It sounds like he is infatuated with her and doing absolutely nothing to stem that. He doesn't seem to give a shiny shit that you know he fancies her. He continues to flirt with her and foster their relationship knowing that she also fancies him and that that your friend is watching his every move. He is being hugely dismissive of you. If I had a crush on someone and knew Dh knew and was upset about this I'd do all I could to cut contact with the crush and concentrate on my marriage. Your DH is taking the piss. You seem quite apathetic about it all on this thread and I wonder if he is taking this as a green light to go full throttle.

lizzie1970a · 05/05/2018 10:23

If he's admitted to feeling attracted to her he shouldn't be talking to her about anything apart from things that are necessary for work. Otherwise those feelings could slip into something else. He's playing with fire basically.

Cuppaoftea · 05/05/2018 10:38

Agree with XiCi and lizzie.

I couldn't ignore this, the closer he becomes to her the harder he'll find it to pull back (if he wants to) and they could easily slip in to an emotional affair quickly.

There's admitted physical attraction between them already and they're finding more interests than just work in common.

He's either fully committed to you or he isn't butt.

I do agree about your friend, as I posted before she's given you the heads up and from her point of view I don't think it's fair to keep asking her to put herself in the middle considering she's their friend and colleague too.

Reading back I also realised your friend didn't overhear their conversations yesterday, she was relaying what the woman told her. And if the woman knows she's your friend she's unlikely to tell her everything, perhaps just what she wants passed on. Just a thought.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 05/05/2018 12:16

Then later she was playing niche music and he's a massive fan so he went over because of the rareness of anyone else liking it and had a few minute conversation.

I think your friend should stop telling you things like this, because:

  1. It's got to be so painful! Like reading a romantic novel starring your DP and someone else.

  2. It's keeping your thoughts focussed on this one subject. You probably think about this woman even more than your DP does.

  3. What's the point, really, of knowing? If they are soulmates are destined to be together then that'll happen whatever you do. You can't ever prepare yourself for massive emotional pain - it will hurt, regardless. It'd be better if you could be able to have fun with your DP without this shadow over it.

Can you find the strength to tell her you don't want to know unless it's something big like they go to lunch together?

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 05/05/2018 18:45

I'm not apathetic as that's saying I don't care. I care very much but Im stuck over what's going to be the right decision or if I even need to make one yet

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