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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for this to make me sad that he's had his head turned?

888 replies

Buttmonkey86 · 21/04/2018 19:28

I think or rather hope I'm being a bit silly. I don't want to bring it up with real life people.

My partner works in a creative environment for a large company. About six months ago he was part responsible for the hiring of a new woman.

I don't think for a second he would ever do anything about this, but he's never mentioned her since. Ever. He talks about some work people but not her. We have a mutual friend who has befriended this woman and says she's lovely, has fabulous style (important there) and is hilarious. She has also mentioned she's seen my partner looking at her a lot and trying to make her laugh. She said she's seen them have a couple of eye contact moments but the woman usually walks away quickly.

I've seen her once in person and she's very pretty. I didn't like the way I saw my partner watching her though, like he couldn't help himself. He didn't know I'd arrived to collect him early and I saw this through the windows.

AIBU to feel sad about this? Like I said, I don't think he'd do anything about her...I just feel down that he's had his head turned. In the five years we've been together this hasn't happened before

OP posts:
RainySeptember · 02/05/2018 06:12

'I don't really know what to think at the moment as we had our talk yesterday /day before... And now friend has text me saying he spent a lot of time in her room today. Appeared to be a valid reason but could have had the meeting with just managers rather than in that room with others including her in there. (my fault, I asked friend to tell me of anything unusual). My friend overhead that it was my partners decision to have it there. I don't really know what to think...especially after our talk'

This was the meeting I was referring to. I see now that there were other people present, but suspect he was the first one there and the last to leave.

Op, I have been in your position and did as you are doing : feeling shit but ultimately trusting him to do the right thing. I also overlooked the fact that he was lying about keeping away from her, telling me I was being silly and so on. It wasn't a good outcome for me, I hope things turn out differently for you.

StarlightSparkle · 02/05/2018 10:07

My H had an affair with a work colleague and it really got off the ground after they both went for team drinks. Before that point they had probably admired each other from afar but at the drinks they got to know each other better and then she started a whatsapp chat (she was single). That was the point at which he overstepped the boundaries as instead of politely pushing back, he lapped up the attention and they started messaging each other on a daily basis. Within mere weeks it had progressed to dates and then staying in hotels together.

As others have said, if he wants to take things further he will and you can’t really stop it, but I would make it really clear that infidelity would be a deal-breaker for you. Would he be happy to split up with you, only see his child every other week, etc. Unfortunately in the midst of behaving like a dog on heat, a lot of men don’t stop to consider the consequences of their actions.

Laiste · 02/05/2018 10:38

IF it is just looking/a harmless flirtation never acted on, then I could cope with it

Right. Here we have something.

So - you know they are attracted to each other. You know they flirt and look at each other. However as long as it goes no further than that then for you it's ''harmless'' and you can cope with it and are happy to just let it be. Is that right?

FizzyGreenWater · 02/05/2018 11:17

Infidelity would be a deal breaker for me.

Making a fool out of me by continuing to flirt with a colleague when we'd discussed it, he knew I knew etc. but was being all wide-eyed innocent about it 'but it was just a nice smile! I'd have loved to see you there darling!' would also be a deal breaker for me.

Time to take the gloves off.

'I've had enough. Stop making a fool of me. I won't hang around for you to do that, you know. Yes, I saw your smile. Yes, I know how you smile at me and how you smile at colleagues. Just stop it. We've discussed it, it's your choice whether or not to back off as you said you would. This is really the last step before you go forward into danger territory. Let me be clear: the fact that we've talked about it does not mean that I get it and am ok with it as long as you don't cheat. Don't for a minute start feeling you're quite safe to have your secret smiles and enjoyable frisson because it's all ok, you've been quite upfront with your partner and she knows you'd never do anything. You are doing something. So fucking stop it now. Or we will not survive.'

hubblebubbleworry · 02/05/2018 13:58

he said the photo was a mistake - that sounds like total BS to me. In reality, I'd probably let it lie for a bit now, but his reaction isn't really good enough - he's nowhere near sorry enough about how worrying this is for you but i suspect if you push it now you'll get a backlash about you not trusting him/over-reacting etc.

one thing that gave my DH pause is explaining how powerless you feel - this attraction being noted and then you waiting to see if it's going to develop into something that breaks up your family. He does sound very cavalier about that.

Anewhope · 02/05/2018 15:06

I totally agree with what @fizzygreenwater said. It's very well put. Though I imagine I would never remember all that and would end up rambling and crying utter nonsense instead.

ahouseofleaves · 02/05/2018 18:01

What FizzyGreenWater said. All of it.

PetulantPolecat · 02/05/2018 18:27

Agree with Teenie that she’s now your cracker eating bitch.

AIBU for this to make me sad that he's had his head turned?
Laiste · 02/05/2018 18:30

The trouble is OP doesn't feel angry about the flirting. I get the feeling that she thinks she probably should be angry but can't find the emotion and seeks from this thread assurance that she can turn a blind eye and everything will probably end up fine. For that you'd need a crystal ball.

'Say no more and hope for the best' is just as valid/risky reaction as 'Chuck his belongings all over the the lawn and tell him to go shack up with Miss 'Effing Flirty From Work' i guess.

With regards to does the 'smiling' mean this? Does 'looking' mean that?, we don't have to analyse their body language to work out what's in their heads. The partner has already told OP he fancies the woman at work and the friend has found out the woman fancies him back. Of course when they look at each other they're going to look like they fancy each other. Because they do!

VerbenaBorensis · 02/05/2018 23:25

Wonder if she flirts with anyone else at work? Might be worth asking yr friend? Have worked with women who flirt with everyone.

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 02/05/2018 23:33

I don't really understand what you're getting at, Verbena?

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 02/05/2018 23:57

I think that's a red herring Verbena because the problem is not what the woman does but OP's husband's reaction to it. If she was the biggest flirt in the company but he was immune to it, there wouldn't be an issue.

VerbenaBorensis · 03/05/2018 06:55

Fair point Butterymuffin. OP just ignore my comment-it was late and I went off track. Just meant maybe she does this with men and this is nothing unusual for her. Just out of interest-how long has yr friend worked at the same place as him? (where she can observe him that is? )

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 03/05/2018 08:30

They've both been there 2-3 years but my friend has known him 5. My friend is also friends with the woman and shes not throwing herself at random men. She said there's something between my partner (not husband) and the woman specifically

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 03/05/2018 08:35

Looks like he's flirting with her, I would not be happy too. It's not the woman stirring up trouble, op has seen it herself.

TomHardyswife · 03/05/2018 11:47

OP you're definately not being silly (going back to your original post)

I really do feel for you ( and have been thinking about your situation all week) as you are in a tough position. It must be awful saying goodbye to him every morning knowing that they are both attracted to each other and they are both restraining themselves from giving in to temptation. The problem is at the moment, as awful as it is for you, they both haven't technically done anything wrong. So what can you do?

You could say that it's human nature to appreciate someone else's attractiveness despite being in love and in a committed relationship with someone else but the glances and secret smiles are telling me they are one step away from taking it to another level.

I've worked with some drop dead gorgeous fellas in my time but whilst I can appreciate they were easy on the eye and think that if I was single, I would definately be interested, I would never go all gooey eyed to the point that other people would notice ( your friend )

What's your next step?

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 03/05/2018 18:53

My next step... I think I'm just going to have to be aware and look out for any changes. I'm worried that by me bringing her up, I'm allowing her head space in both our heads. Maybe she's just a distraction at work and when he's home with us he doesn't think of her

OP posts:
Goodadvice1980 · 03/05/2018 20:00

Oh OP Sad I hate to say it, but I would bet you any amount of money he is thinking of her. He has admitted feelings for her and she feels the same.

I know you don’t want this to be true, but you really need to spell out your line in the sand here. He has strong feelings for another woman, please don’t be passive in dealing with this. You don’t deserve to be second best.

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 03/05/2018 20:18

I don't think an attraction is the same as feelings is it? They don't really know each other...

OP posts:
TomHardyswife · 03/05/2018 20:42

Maybe.

You can definately have a crush on someone you don't know well.

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 03/05/2018 20:48

I see attraction as just a physical /surface level thing and feelings are different, no?

OP posts:
TomHardyswife · 03/05/2018 21:07

Yes I agree. Although it's a tough one as you don't know how much contact they are having at work and therefore whether they are developing feelings for one another..as they have both admitted being attracted to one another.. and your friend has reported back to you worrying signals coming from them.

Luckystar1 · 03/05/2018 21:19

Op I can only tell you from my experience of my husband’s affair and the details I know of it.

Feelings in the truest sense don’t have to come into play. Attraction to someone can have a strong impact, especially if coupled with positive attention being given. By this I mean, praise, admiration, time spent listening.

None of these things are ‘feelings’ per se, but they can be things that people in a relationship with young children and busy lives feel that they are lacking. If someone comes along at the wrong time and can fill these ‘voids’ it’s a powerful combination.

No one is saying he’s in love with her (and my husband now says he hates the OW and is completely disgusted with himself and with her - especially in the character she has now shown herself to be) but that doesn’t matter.

Very few affairs are founded on ‘love’, no actual relationship for that matter starts at ‘love’. Most are based on a mutual attraction that is given the time and attention to bloom.

I’m not saying it’s anything but I think it’s safe to say that this can’t be brushed off as nothing.

Cuppaoftea · 03/05/2018 21:23

Maybe she's just a distraction at work and when he's home with us he doesn't think of her

Butt you need to expect more for yourself than this.

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 03/05/2018 21:29

Does that sound delusional /pathetic, Cuppa?

OP posts: