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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU for this to make me sad that he's had his head turned?

888 replies

Buttmonkey86 · 21/04/2018 19:28

I think or rather hope I'm being a bit silly. I don't want to bring it up with real life people.

My partner works in a creative environment for a large company. About six months ago he was part responsible for the hiring of a new woman.

I don't think for a second he would ever do anything about this, but he's never mentioned her since. Ever. He talks about some work people but not her. We have a mutual friend who has befriended this woman and says she's lovely, has fabulous style (important there) and is hilarious. She has also mentioned she's seen my partner looking at her a lot and trying to make her laugh. She said she's seen them have a couple of eye contact moments but the woman usually walks away quickly.

I've seen her once in person and she's very pretty. I didn't like the way I saw my partner watching her though, like he couldn't help himself. He didn't know I'd arrived to collect him early and I saw this through the windows.

AIBU to feel sad about this? Like I said, I don't think he'd do anything about her...I just feel down that he's had his head turned. In the five years we've been together this hasn't happened before

OP posts:

Original poster

Buttmonkey86 · 01/05/2018 19:11

It's not the type of place I could just turn up at as you have to get through security. The other day was more of an annual thing so I can't do that.

Part of me thinks it won't matter anyway. I don't want someone to be made to choose me if they don't want me. I believe he loves me but I'm frightened what that really means. From past experience, love is not enough

OP posts:

HelenaDove · 01/05/2018 19:14

YY OP Dont do the "pick me" dance.

Motoko · 01/05/2018 19:23

That lone pic of her was no "mistake". He pointed the camera at her and pressed the button. And he'd probably already transferred it to another device, so him deleting it in front of you was a show.

That's what I reckon anyway.

Laiste · 01/05/2018 19:25

Does he know you went to the exhibition and saw them exchanging looks and smiles?

Original poster

Buttmonkey86 · 01/05/2018 19:28

Yes, sorry. He acknowledged the smile as just a smile to a colleague. He said I was silly to leave and he would have loved to see me

OP posts:

Laiste · 01/05/2018 19:35

He's going to dismiss everything as just nothing.

I've said this before, But at the end of the day you need to decide how you feel about all this. Are you angry?

We can dissect it here bit by bit until kingdom come - but ultimately none of us are married to him, none of us are you and none of us are there to see any of this. You're not in a court of law, you're in a marriage. You are allowed to have just ... feelings.

Original poster

Buttmonkey86 · 01/05/2018 19:45

We aren't married. I don't think it's sinking in. I'm thinking rather than feeling

OP posts:

ahouseofleaves · 01/05/2018 20:15

for you, OP. I completely understand how difficult this must be.

VerbenaBorensis · 01/05/2018 20:20

Hi Butt just read almost all of this. Men have big egos and love having them stroked occasionally so could just be that. Yr mate said this woman would date if he were single. He's not so hopefully that means she won't. Sounds like it'd be too risky for them as u have a mutual friend who is loyal to u. This sort of thing can drive u mad with worry. If it's goin to happen there's little u can do about it. If it were me I'd let it go. Will prob come to nothing. If it does men get complacent and give themselves away anyway (usually) do then u will know. If u keep needling awsy u may cause a prob in yr relationship which wasn't there. I'm not saying don't br aware just don't make yrself a nervous wreck over it. Have been in similar situ years ago (not wiv currrent
OH and I was totally wrong but luckily realised before I tackled anyone so have an inkling of how u feel. All the best Hun.

Cuppaoftea · 01/05/2018 21:00

Like pp I think now you have to decide whether you can stay in your relationship knowing he's behaving like this. He's clearly not going to be honest, isn't genuinely remorseful and seemingly plans to continue as he is, flirting and chasing her as much as he feels he can get away with while he gauges her response.

You can't really expect your friend to keep relaying his actions to you indefinitely as that puts her in a difficult position as their colleague. She's given you the heads up as to what's going on.

I've said it before but please at least ensure you and your DC will be protected practically and financially whatever happens.

Original poster

Buttmonkey86 · 01/05/2018 21:18

He earns more but the house is owned in the majority by me.

I'm just worried in case it is just a stupid flirtation and not worth throwing years away for

OP posts:

BecksBlue2 · 01/05/2018 21:40

At the end of the day I don't think your conversations are getting you anywhere because all you are doing is asking questions and he is giving answers he deems to be reasonable.

You need to express your boundaries clear and simple. There are feelings between them both and you feel uncomfortable. Therefore I think you should agree boundaries and set down clearly what actions of his would be unacceptable and result in you asking him to leave.

I also think as part of your agreement he should willingly make some gesture that demonstrates you are his priority - if indeed that is still the case.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 01/05/2018 21:47

I'm just worried in case it is just a stupid flirtation and not worth throwing years away for

This is something that he should be concerned about too.

NoMudNoLotus · 01/05/2018 22:22

Totally what @BecksBlue2 said.

ClownPockets · 01/05/2018 22:30

You've told him that this bothers you and he's not only carrying on but upping the ante. Seems like he is getting cheap thrills by spending the day flirting at work and then coming home to his nice (and you do sound lovely) girlfriend with absolutely no consequences.

I think you need to work out if you trust him or not. And be really honest with yourself. You may well feel you are overreacting and don't want to lose your relationship over what could have remained as just flirting and gone no further, but are you really happy to wave him off to work knowing he's flirting up a storm with this woman? It just feels totally disrespectful from a man who is supposed to love you.

I'm not trying to sound harsh but this would be pushing all my buttons and I couldn't stand for it.

Original poster

Buttmonkey86 · 01/05/2018 22:33

I think my main issue is that I really don't know. IF it is just looking/a harmless flirtation never acted on, then I could cope with it and don't want to make it into a bigger deal than it is.

I don't know if I'm deluding myself thinking that that's all it'll ever be. If it was only smiles and eye contact, does that mean 'something'? (not rhetorical, I'm actually asking as trying to figure out my own answer)

OP posts:

RainbowBright13 · 01/05/2018 22:40

It’s not about predicting what it could be, it’s about how you feel about it now. If you feel uncomfortable then you should be clear with him.

Original poster

Buttmonkey86 · 01/05/2018 22:45

I think I have been, we've had two conversations about it now.

OP posts:

RainySeptember · 01/05/2018 23:00

Well at worst they're already having some sort of affair, and at best they fancy the pants off each other and are doing nothing whatsoever to calm it down.

My bet is that something has already happened between them. The closed-door meeting after you talked to him was 'shit my dp suspects something is going on.'

I would show him what he stands to lose by asking him to stay elsewhere for a few days.

If you're determined to wait it out while he moons around after her, I think I'd have to suggest getting to know her better. I suspect their ardour would be dampened by an evening discussing your kids at dinner.

Original poster

Buttmonkey86 · 01/05/2018 23:05

I don't know what closed door meeting you mean? They never had a meeting alone

Also, I'm not into weird games of getting to know her etc. That's not what should stop him

I'm sorry Im not replying to individuals. I'm reading them all and appreciate all of you taking the time to reply

OP posts:

AhoyDelBoy · 01/05/2018 23:33

@BecksBlue2 has great advice. Such a tricky situation OP, I have nothing to add to what's been said but I feel for you

Teeniemiff · 01/05/2018 23:45

Just reading the posts, sorry you are in this position. I wouldn’t have liked the eye contact to begin with. I know it’s natural to find people good looking, I notice this about either sex. But attraction I think is something different & I get that you wouldn’t want him to have to stop himself (ie yes stop himself from looking but wish there was nothing to feel he had to stop himself from).
What I think is difficult is that since you’ve brought this up he doesn’t seem to be helping matters- the smiles, the photos. You would assume if he knows you’ve noticed & feel uncomfortable he would be more mindful of his behaviour. Also though (to put a different perspective on it) once someone gets a thought in their mind, it’s easy to be biased towards that. Like this lady has been a focus of your attention & Automaticaaly you’re drawn to the smiles to her, rather than perhaps seeing all the other people he might smile at. I’m not saying this is happening, just not trying to offer different perspectives.
I would just keep being honest with your partner about how you feel. I wouldn’t be ending a relationship & breaking up a family just yet (although realise it would be his behaviour not yours ending it).

Teeniemiff · 01/05/2018 23:49

And I second setting boundaries of appropriate behaviour

Original poster

Buttmonkey86 · 01/05/2018 23:49

The mid section of your post is exactly what I'm afraid of

OP posts:

Cuppaoftea · 02/05/2018 00:06

Your friend wouldn't have got involved if he acted this way with everyone at work and she thought his behaviour towatds this woman was harmless.

Whether you can accept his flirtation or not don't fool yourself you're imagining things.

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