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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for this to make me sad that he's had his head turned?

888 replies

Buttmonkey86 · 21/04/2018 19:28

I think or rather hope I'm being a bit silly. I don't want to bring it up with real life people.

My partner works in a creative environment for a large company. About six months ago he was part responsible for the hiring of a new woman.

I don't think for a second he would ever do anything about this, but he's never mentioned her since. Ever. He talks about some work people but not her. We have a mutual friend who has befriended this woman and says she's lovely, has fabulous style (important there) and is hilarious. She has also mentioned she's seen my partner looking at her a lot and trying to make her laugh. She said she's seen them have a couple of eye contact moments but the woman usually walks away quickly.

I've seen her once in person and she's very pretty. I didn't like the way I saw my partner watching her though, like he couldn't help himself. He didn't know I'd arrived to collect him early and I saw this through the windows.

AIBU to feel sad about this? Like I said, I don't think he'd do anything about her...I just feel down that he's had his head turned. In the five years we've been together this hasn't happened before

OP posts:
tootstastic · 30/04/2018 21:55

I'm sorry OP, I think there's more to this than he's letting on. It's the start of at least an emotional affair and unless forced to stop, their feelings will just keep growing.

I don't think it's at LTB stage yet, but I do think you need to put your foot down...he's just paying lip service telling you he's avoiding her, when clearly he's doing nothing of the sort.

I agree with pp that his ego has been boosted since hearing that the attraction is mutual, but I think he knew that already. They are clearly enjoying the flirtation, don't allow him to minimise.

Justinecase1985 · 30/04/2018 21:55

I really feel for you. I’ve been through something similar. It was painful and I questioned if I was being paranoid.
They weren’t overly flirtatious but I felt too close for a work relationship.
He was very open about their conversations but I wasn’t comfortable with it.
After turning the tables (I worked in an all male environment at the time) he saw where I was coming from.
I had to be very honest about my feelings, whilst not coming across as jealous -a bit of which imo is healthy anyway.

Motoko · 30/04/2018 21:59

Don't you remember having a crush on someone in a band when you were a teenager? Collecting every picture in the magazines about them, having posters on your wall, and spending hours gazing at the pictures, with fantasies of having a relationship with them running through your head?

That's pretty much the definition of a crush. You don't have to know them well.

ahouseofleaves · 30/04/2018 22:00

So he can gaze at her when he's not with her.

This.

I'm sorry, but this would worry me. I'm delurking now because it seems to me rather than pull back from her, he is flirting. This is such a tough situation, but your posts are so full of how confused and hurt you are, and I feel for you.

He's on a slippery slope towards an emotional affair, IMO. And in the process, he is disregarding you and your family. It's just not on, and he ought to be told.

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 30/04/2018 22:01

I didn't really do that with magazines etc but I see your point.

I didn't realise men did that, ridiculous as it sounds

OP posts:
Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 30/04/2018 22:04

I'm imagining her as he took her picture. If you weren't attracted to someone, I'd find it a bit wtf and ask them to delete. I asked friend if woman said aaanything else and just that she was talking to him when he took the photo of the group so said it would look terrible and to get rid of it and he laughingly said it was lovely

OP posts:
Motoko · 30/04/2018 22:06

Well, where men are concerned, it might be more imagining having sex rather than a relationship. That's why even magazines like Loaded, where the women are only scantily clad, rather than full on naked, are popular.

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 30/04/2018 22:26

I don't think I have the strength to speak to him tonight. I'll try and look at the camera but I'm dreading saying it out loud

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 30/04/2018 22:33

It’s probably not quite a conscious attempt to flirt more subconscious oh getting her attention makes me happy, but given you’ve already talked about it it should be consciously deliberately not happening. The little things - he’s not taking single shots of others is he ( not to mention saying it looks lovely) , he’s not shooting them warm smiles...

KeziaOAP · 01/05/2018 09:52

Was he aware when you went in on Saturday to give support he was so engrossed in watching and smiling at her he didn't even see you.

Adayindisney67 · 01/05/2018 10:12

Butt! He is fucking flirting with her even though he promised he would stay away.
Yes I would find it completely odd if my OH was photographing another woman and joking around while telling her she looked lovely. EVEN if I didn't know of the attraction.

I would ask him to stay elsewhere untill he thought about it carefully! I'd be furious!

HouseworkIsASin10 · 01/05/2018 10:22

He's on a slippery slope towards an emotional affair, IMO. And in the process, he is disregarding you and your family. It's just not on, and he ought to be told.

Totally agree. If he's that smitten, tell him to get to fuck. You're not going to stay around while he has his little flirtations in plain sight. Cheeky fucker even told you he is attracted to her Shock

He fancies her, he has told you this, he is flirting with her.
He is buzzing going into work, little spring in his step.

I could not accept that.

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 01/05/2018 11:24

I know it sounds like I'm clutching at straws but even if he was a photographer, Aday? Id see it worse if he whipped out a phone and started snapping away

I managed to find the camera last night - there was two like they said. One group where she's the nearest to the camera talking to him (which does not look lovely) and one of her where it looks like she might not know he was taking it. My dad is looking after our child later so talking to him when he gets home

OP posts:
Luckystar1 · 01/05/2018 12:40

Butt were there any other photos? Individual ones of others?

Perhaps I’m overreacting (not unknown admittedly), but my worry for you is that if he is not made completely understanding about the implications of this flirtation (or whatever it is) that it will either 1) not stop and lead to to a full blown affair or 2) will stop but he will harbour some weird resentment towards you and feel unfulfilled.

I’d strongly suggest marriage counselling so a third party can assist you to speak openly to each other.

I have no idea how to make him open his eyes but I honestly couldn’t just stand by and watch this unfold.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 01/05/2018 12:46

What are you going to say to him tonight?

Please start thinking in terms of what's good enough for you, OP. The way you've been watching and waiting in this whole saga makes me wonder if, really, you don't really feel you deserve your DP. That he and this other woman are in the same league, and you're perhaps not..? As if you're lucky to have him. Imposter syndrome, if you like.

He might actually be a bit cocky about himself and your relationship, which is why your friend is so keen to blow the whistle.

Ideally, this other woman wouldn't register in your thoughts at all. Nobody can take away what's yours. I worry that maybe you've never quite felt that you "have" him, or that you deserve him.

If I'm wrong, I apologise. But I want you to find your backbone here! He's taking the piss.

tootstastic · 01/05/2018 12:47

I second marriage counselling. I think he needs someone else, other than you, to make him see that this just isn't cricket.

hubblebubbleworry · 01/05/2018 12:48

taking an individual photo of a work colleague is creepy - unless it was a specific request for a professional profile or something, there is no reason.

I'd be really cross - there's no reason for him to have done that with a woman he's supposed to be minimising contact with. He sounds like a bit of a fool really.

You should trust your gut. I also think maybe counselling is worth a try to get him see what he's doing - maybe individual counselling for him because best case, he has no idea what he's doing.

picklystars · 01/05/2018 13:03

I'm sorry Op but he's taking the piss now. If my DH felt concerned about my relationship/attraction with another colleague and discussed his feelings with me. I'd be going out of my way to avoid this colleague unless absolutely necessary for work related convos etc but I certainly wouldn't be smiling at them in passing and messing around flirting taking photos of them.

Even if my DH couldn't see what I was doing it would feel really wrong, plus I'd be keen to prove to all around me that it really is nothing.

What is he doing to reassure you?

WhatsGoingOnEh · 01/05/2018 13:08

Unfortunately, your DP assumed this woman would never fancy him, and since he's had it confirmed that she does, he's stepped up the flirting. That's quite sickening. And it tells you everything you need to know.

I don't think you need another chat tonight. I think your dad should take him out for a drink and tell him to stop being such a twat.

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 01/05/2018 18:09

I've spoken to him. I told him I wanted to see the event so looked at his camera. He didn't seem rattled and started talking about the opening.

I asked why there were two photos of the woman on there if he's avoiding her etc. He said he took a group of three shot as a test shot before people arrived and the lone one was a mistake. He said nothing has changed since our talk last week and he loves me no one else etc and he has no intention of doing anything about the woman. He said if it bothered me, he'd delete the photo right then and then he did

OP posts:
Adayindisney67 · 01/05/2018 18:12

What about calling her lovely? The eye contact? Everything has changed OP you know it has and you need to tell him EXACTLY what you saw and how you feel!

Luckystar1 · 01/05/2018 18:21

Oh OP I feel so uncomfortable for you. I’m so sorry you feel like this. I really don’t know what to say. I’m thinking of you.

ahouseofleaves · 01/05/2018 18:24

I'm really sorry, because I don't know you, and I don't want to be harsh, but he's running you around a bit. At this point, I wouldn't talk to him. I'd tell him how things are going to be. Do it for your sake and DC. You risk resenting him in the end, and/or forever wondering what he is up to.

Cuppaoftea · 01/05/2018 18:33

butt does he know you went to the exhibition that day? If not you need to tell him what you saw with your own eyes.

The photo of her alone that it looked like she didn't know he was taking was a 'mistake'? Oh come on.

I'd be concerned with how smoothly he's lying to you Sad

sockunicorn · 01/05/2018 19:04

@buttmonkey86 i would show up at the next event or at his work for lunch one day or to see DC. He may want to hide your family but I wouldnt let him. She may back off if she sees you are a real person with a real child. I would show up also to see how DP acts towards you in front of her. If he backs off and doesnt go near you like he normally would then you know who he chooses (whether anythings happened or not yet). But I would definitely let my presence be known. Also would tell him you showed up.