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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for this to make me sad that he's had his head turned?

888 replies

Buttmonkey86 · 21/04/2018 19:28

I think or rather hope I'm being a bit silly. I don't want to bring it up with real life people.

My partner works in a creative environment for a large company. About six months ago he was part responsible for the hiring of a new woman.

I don't think for a second he would ever do anything about this, but he's never mentioned her since. Ever. He talks about some work people but not her. We have a mutual friend who has befriended this woman and says she's lovely, has fabulous style (important there) and is hilarious. She has also mentioned she's seen my partner looking at her a lot and trying to make her laugh. She said she's seen them have a couple of eye contact moments but the woman usually walks away quickly.

I've seen her once in person and she's very pretty. I didn't like the way I saw my partner watching her though, like he couldn't help himself. He didn't know I'd arrived to collect him early and I saw this through the windows.

AIBU to feel sad about this? Like I said, I don't think he'd do anything about her...I just feel down that he's had his head turned. In the five years we've been together this hasn't happened before

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Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 30/04/2018 21:01

I have, and she seemed genuine when she said no they haven't.

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IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 30/04/2018 21:02

What he says is neither here nor there. It's what he does which is important.
So objectively, taking photos of her, looking at her, behaving in such a way that people are noticing and talking and are concerned enough to risk broaching it with you, all demonstrate that this isn't nothing.

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 30/04/2018 21:02

She only noticed because she knows him and the woman who mentioned it today wasn't saying it in a suggestive way just that he was messing around.

Does that sound odd without him being attracted to her?

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CandiedPeach · 30/04/2018 21:03

So how did the conversation about him taking photos of just her come up?

CandiedPeach · 30/04/2018 21:05

I don’t think it matters what sounds odd if he’s not attracted to her. He’s admitted he is and he should surely be trying to curb that attraction not take photos of it. Have you asked him about the photos? If you don’t want to go mad, say your frievd said he’d taken some of the exhibition and you’d like to see them. Is he open with his phone? Does he have her number?

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 30/04/2018 21:07

They were talking about the opening being successful and how she'll be able to show her with partners pictures. Then said how he was messing around taking action shots of woman and being silly. It was said in a oh he's so daft way not oh he's making a fool out of me way thankfully. Friend told me as she knew I'd spoken to him

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Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 30/04/2018 21:09

He isn't weird with his phone and doesn't have her number

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IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 30/04/2018 21:11

I think you are clutching at straws. Men don't just take pictures of women they work with for no reason. If the whole office was arseing around and all taking funny pics of themselves, that would be one thing. But that's not what happened here. He was taking photos of her, while she was working. That's not appropriate behaviour.

CandiedPeach · 30/04/2018 21:15

Is that the kind of thing he’d normally do? Would he have done it if you were there?

Personally I’d see it as flirting.

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 30/04/2018 21:19

I think it's harder to judge as I didn't see it. He was taking photos of people all morning but groups as a whole and candid crowd shots. As far as I know, he took one of her with a few others and one on her own

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CandiedPeach · 30/04/2018 21:21

Then you need to see the photos. Just sat friend mentioned he'd took some as she's wanting to see them and ask if you can have a look. Is he at home now?

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 30/04/2018 21:22

Would you both see it as flirting?

My friend said he'd probably delete them as they probably wouldn't be used on the site. But even if he did delete them, what would they have been for?

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Cuppaoftea · 30/04/2018 21:24

Butt he's flirting with her, chasing her (after you spoke to him) and the whole office clearly is talking about it. Sounds to me like your friend is being diplomatic and trying to spare some of your feelings. You must feel absolutely desperate about this but I'd say it's time to confront him about what he really wants.

If it's you then is there a choice but for him to move jobs? He's making an absolute fool of himself in his current one.

I agree with pp who said finding out she's attracted to him has spurred him on.

Look after yourself and lovely DC Flowers

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 30/04/2018 21:26

I would be questioning why he did it when he is supposed to be avoiding her. It's like he is not taking what you said seriously and is just carrying on doing what he wants at work.

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 30/04/2018 21:27

Cuppa, do you see the photo thing even if it was only one of her own as flirting?

I did read the rest of your post, just digesting

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Cuppaoftea · 30/04/2018 21:32

Cuppa, do you see the photo thing even if it was only one of her own as flirting?

Yes I do.

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 30/04/2018 21:33

I wish we knew if he did it to other people

I will ask to see the camera

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timeisnotaline · 30/04/2018 21:33

It’s doing the little extra things to get their attention. Things that they don’t do for other people.

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 30/04/2018 21:39

Time, what would you include in that? I wish my friend had seen so I had a better idea

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Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 30/04/2018 21:41

Do you think doing little things like that as you put it he could still think nothing of (beyond horribly selfish behaviour)? I'm not phrasing it properly but sort of like he's doing it subconsciously

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Motoko · 30/04/2018 21:44

It sounds like he wants a photo of her, so he was using taking photos of the others as a cover. See if he took any solo shots of anyone else there, I bet he didn't.

But remember, he could have already transferred the photo of her to another device, and deleted it off the camera, in case you look at the pictures. He doesn't know that you know he took pictures of her.

BecksBlue2 · 30/04/2018 21:45

Butt it's not about whether he also took photos of other colleagues. She is the one with whom there is an admitted mutual attraction.

After you were open with him I feel like he should have taken active steps to scale down opportunities for them to be in contact, but instead you know about the special smile / meeting room / photograph incidents - an these are the ones you are privy to.

As others have said, nothing is wrong with the attraction but given you've expressed how you feel he ought to be doing more to manage this and make you feel trust in him.

X

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 30/04/2018 21:46

I don't like being sneaky but I'll try and just look at his camera without mentioning it first then

I don't get why he'd want a photo of her, he sees her most days as it is

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Motoko · 30/04/2018 21:50

So he can gaze at her when he's not with her.

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 30/04/2018 21:54

That doesn't sound like just a crush :-/ lust? I don't think he even knows her that we'll to have actual feelings

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