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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for this to make me sad that he's had his head turned?

888 replies

Buttmonkey86 · 21/04/2018 19:28

I think or rather hope I'm being a bit silly. I don't want to bring it up with real life people.

My partner works in a creative environment for a large company. About six months ago he was part responsible for the hiring of a new woman.

I don't think for a second he would ever do anything about this, but he's never mentioned her since. Ever. He talks about some work people but not her. We have a mutual friend who has befriended this woman and says she's lovely, has fabulous style (important there) and is hilarious. She has also mentioned she's seen my partner looking at her a lot and trying to make her laugh. She said she's seen them have a couple of eye contact moments but the woman usually walks away quickly.

I've seen her once in person and she's very pretty. I didn't like the way I saw my partner watching her though, like he couldn't help himself. He didn't know I'd arrived to collect him early and I saw this through the windows.

AIBU to feel sad about this? Like I said, I don't think he'd do anything about her...I just feel down that he's had his head turned. In the five years we've been together this hasn't happened before

OP posts:
JacketPotatoQueen · 28/04/2018 22:41

Just sending sympathy - this must be a horrible situation to be in, and is the sort of thing I would lose sleep over. Hopefully the fact he already knows that you know something will be enough to make him think twice about acting any further in relation to this. I know how I would feel though, so you ADNBU.

ASongOfRiceAndPeas · 29/04/2018 00:19

Sorry to hear OP. it's tricky, I wouldn't know how to bring up what you saw but it would definitely eat away at me.

AhoyDelBoy · 29/04/2018 09:06

I would feel the same in your situation OP, you've handled it well so far! Seems like a double edged sword having a friend working with your DP. Hope things are OK after the exhibition exchange Flowers

yellowcushion · 29/04/2018 10:08

This is the time to put boundaries in place.

It has become clear that you both have different boundaries of what is acceptable in your relationship,.

What type of behaviour do you find acceptable ? Once you know what you are comfortable with and uncomfortable with , then needs to be relayed to your other half .

If your OH finds that he is participating in the behaviours you find uncomfortable then he is betraying your relationship .

It's become evident that going out of his way to smile at his colleague is clearly one of those .

If he is going out of his way to engage with her , watching her , looking forward to being in meetings with her , jumping at chances to socialise with her , enjoying conversation with her that is not work related are just some of the things that may make you uncomfortable .

Laiste · 29/04/2018 10:42

What do you feel as if you want to do butt?

I really think that how you handle this comes down to your personality - the one your DH knows well and loves you for. It's no good trying to carry out advice from any of us if it's not what you 'do'. The way you roll, if you know what i mean.

It's hard to explain! :)

See - i'd have thrown a bloody great strop long before now. I'd never have got to the point you're at; going to the exhibition and watching from the wings ect. But even in that example i'd have been so angry i'd have seen red there and then under the circs.. Waited till the client had gone and then gone over to him and quietly told him his bags will be on the lawn when he gets home. And meant it. And gone home and done it. DH is the same sort of person as me and he'd do the same if he had physically witnessed me simpering away at my work crush. I know he would - i wouldn't be surprised.

BUT me telling you me and DHs set up is utterly pointless. You need to decide how you're going to deal with it. What is your gut instinct? Are you mostly more angry, sad, confused, worried ... ? I feel like something needs to snap inside you! Maybe i'm lucky i'm volatile enough that my anger would have taken control by now and the status quo would be no more.

If you were my mate i'd be bloody seething for you!

timeisnotaline · 29/04/2018 11:11

I think I have pretty clear standards and I would not have packed his bags in your position . I would consider a day or two away to think, after having the conversation. I think a noticeable mutual attraction is something he would need to distance himself from though, I couldn’t agree with that going on. Can he take a few days off to stay home with the kids while you go away? He probably could if he had to...

Cuppaoftea · 29/04/2018 13:35

My concern would be butt has already spoken to him about this and instead of that giving him a wake up call he seems to be continuing as before. Perhaps with greater confidence as he knows his admiration is returned.

It's all rather cosy for him. He's continuing his relationship as normal with butt, has their child close by at work while seemingly testing whether changing to a relationship with this woman might be an option (he knows getting away with an affair isn’t).

It sounds like he's the higher earner, they aren't married, in which case the financial and practical risks are more on butt's side.

As Laiste said with the way he's acting and with a child to think of I'd have to take action to protect the two of us even if any separation were only temporary.

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 29/04/2018 18:38

I've just got home from having day with my family and wanted to acknowledge your replies! I'll reply properly in a bit but didn't want to read and run.

One thought that keeps going through my mind - what if it IS no harm, them smiling at each other and that's all it will ever be? And being silly being bothered Hmm

OP posts:
DioneTheDiabolist · 29/04/2018 18:48

OP, I have been in both your and your DH's situation and I do understand how you are feeling. My advice is to keep an eye on things by all means, but don't obsess over it. Me and my colleague didn't "actively" ignore eachother. But we didn't seek each other out as much as others that we worked with (which was a bit weird given our positions and length of time we knew eachother).

Fi1982 · 29/04/2018 19:05

The harm is done though, you’re really hurt and it sounds like it’s causing you substantial continual anxiety. It seems that you are afraid to voice how you really feel about it to your partner, in case you rock the boat too much and he strays as a result. It sounds to me that you are desperate for real reassurance, which means he hasn’t given it to you. Why? And why are you afraid to ask him? Do you feel that your relationship isn’t in the right place for completely open conversations?

I really feel for you, I had a faithless ex who’s head was turned a couple of times, and it took me a long time to have the confidence to get rid of him. He had the whole ‘star crossed lovers’ bit going on too. Not saying your partner is faithless or planning to cheat, but the whole thing of being constantly compared to attractive women was very bad for my self esteem. Don’t let this get to a similar point for you.

timeisnotaline · 29/04/2018 19:46

It is very hard to work out an appropriate level of reaction. I still think accepting the Instagram and adding some happy family things would be a good idea.

Laiste · 29/04/2018 20:08

what if it IS no harm, them smiling at each other and that's all it will ever be? And being silly being bothered

Maybe stop trying to work out how to feel. Take out the 'what it might have been if this and what it might be if that'. Does it bother you NOW? The situation NOW. They fancy each other. They work together. They smile at each other. This is the now. What do you feel? Are you bothered NOW? Do you feel he needs more rope to hang himself? Do you feel you don't have a right to be bothered yet? Why?

It does read like you feel you don't have the right to react yet. What will trigger you OP? I ask that genuinely. Do you know? Would you loose your shit if you heard they'd had dinner alone together? Or that your mate had seen him pinch her arse? Or that she'd bought him a jokey present? Or that she texted him about something late at night? Or he her?

Is it that any of the above is out of line and you'll blow up if you find out but 'just' smiling and fancying is ok?

You'll never have a crystal ball OP. But you've had a head's up.

Adayindisney67 · 30/04/2018 14:22

How are you OP?

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 30/04/2018 20:07

Hi, sorry. Last night I was so drained I fell asleep on the sofa after dinner. I am going to speak to him when he gets home from work tomorrow as I need to calm down.

I thought what I saw was bad enough but I spoke to friend today. She wasn't there for the exhibition but spoke to someone today who was. My partner is also a photographer but that's not part of his role there.

The woman told my friend he was shooting the opening, which is obviously fine. However, she said he was messing around taking photos of her as she was working and definitely one of her on her own. I didn't even know what to say. Even just messing around or if he deleted them, Wtaf?!

I'll try and respond to each of your posts x

OP posts:
CandiedPeach · 30/04/2018 20:17

I don’t think you should calm down op, I think you should get very angry with him.

Someone else mentioning it to your friend makes me think, everyone at work as noticed and is probably talking about it.

If it was me, I’m not sure what he could even do now to reassure me. You’d mentioned it and instead of telling himself to stop acting like a idiot and avoid her, he’s smiling and taking photos of her.

I’m really sorry op, but I think you’re being too nice about it with him.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 30/04/2018 20:22

You poor love Flowers
I honestly think it is okay to tell him to get another job or change depts. He can't be going to work every day and mooning over her, then coming home to you and just expect you to put up with it- it's not fair.
If he is truly committed to you, it's time to do something which actively demonstrates that.

CandiedPeach · 30/04/2018 20:23

And I’d be looking at his camera tonight and if there was photos of her on there, I’d be throwing him and his camera out!

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 30/04/2018 20:31

Changing job really isn't an option, so please stop suggesting that. Not being ungrateful at all, just genuinely not an option.

You don't think I should calm down? How would you guys react? I just don't understand. Even in a jokey messing around way, why wouldn't he stay away from her if he finds her attractive?

OP posts:
CandiedPeach · 30/04/2018 20:35

I mean I think he needs to see the full anger and hurt he’s caused Op. Talking to him calmly obviously hasn’t made him think about what he’s doing. He can avoid her and not look at her or smile at her, if he wants to. He’s not doubg anything to stop his feelings though.
I’m really sorry but I wonder if him knowing it’s mutual has just spurred him on.

timeisnotaline · 30/04/2018 20:47

I don’t think you should be calm about this. FAr from him trying to distance himself he’s throwing himself into spending time with her and multiple people are mentioning it, it’s not just in your head. I would have been ok with this with my dh if he had realised, and gone I need to keep my distance. If he did this instead I would probably suggest he stay somewhere else for a night to think about priorities.

CandiedPeach · 30/04/2018 20:48

Personally if it was me (I’ll admit I tend to be s bit hotheaded though).

I’d tell him I saw him with her and I know about the photos and after everything you said, that doesn’t seem like he’s trying to avoidi her. So now he he needs to go stay somewhere else as you don’t want him in your home or bed and he needs to decide if he can get other his attraction to her or if he wants to end his relationship with you.

You’re going to drive yourself crazy Op and I’m sorry but I don’t think he’s helping or avoiding her at all.

CandiedPeach · 30/04/2018 20:50

Sorry for typos and spelling I’m typing while doing something else and my phones deciding things it’s self. Hope it vaguely makes sense.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 30/04/2018 20:52

Butt, everything is an option if it needs to be. It's a question of priorities. I'm not saying he would be able to get another job that he loves so much, or one in the same sector even, but he does have choices. Not nice ones, but choices nonetheless. And so do you. If you are asking us whether we think you are overreacting, then the answer (from my pov) is no, you are not. You don't need to be calming down, you are entitled to feel very angry and hurt about his complete lack of effort to put this right.

To put it crudely, he needs to shit or get off the pot - either he is totally committed to you and willing to do whatever it takes to be loyal to you or he's not. But you can't go on living with this situation whereby he has his cake and eats it too. It's disrespectful and dishonest and not loving behaviour.

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 30/04/2018 20:54

I think I'm so freaked out by the what if it means nothing element... If he hadn't ever admitted any attraction, what would you think of what I've said, the smiling and the photos? If he did that to no one else

OP posts:
CandiedPeach · 30/04/2018 20:57

It’s not nothing or your friend wouldn’t have mentioned something and another colleague wouldn’t have said something. I imagine they’re the office gossip and have been for a while and that’s probably why your friend has said something.

Maybe ask her if others have noticed something, if that might help you feel justified.

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