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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for this to make me sad that he's had his head turned?

888 replies

Buttmonkey86 · 21/04/2018 19:28

I think or rather hope I'm being a bit silly. I don't want to bring it up with real life people.

My partner works in a creative environment for a large company. About six months ago he was part responsible for the hiring of a new woman.

I don't think for a second he would ever do anything about this, but he's never mentioned her since. Ever. He talks about some work people but not her. We have a mutual friend who has befriended this woman and says she's lovely, has fabulous style (important there) and is hilarious. She has also mentioned she's seen my partner looking at her a lot and trying to make her laugh. She said she's seen them have a couple of eye contact moments but the woman usually walks away quickly.

I've seen her once in person and she's very pretty. I didn't like the way I saw my partner watching her though, like he couldn't help himself. He didn't know I'd arrived to collect him early and I saw this through the windows.

AIBU to feel sad about this? Like I said, I don't think he'd do anything about her...I just feel down that he's had his head turned. In the five years we've been together this hasn't happened before

OP posts:
Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 27/04/2018 20:33

From what I gathered it was in response to him directly. Yes I find him attractive, if he was single etc but ideally I don't want a relationship with someone who has already had a child context

OP posts:
Luckystar1 · 27/04/2018 20:35

My husband had an affair with a work colleague. It was (by all accounts) a load of blowing smoke up each other’s arses. I thought we were happy too. Protect yourself and your relationship. Sit your partner down and open his eyes.

Does he want to lose his family? Does he want to only see his child every other weekend? Etc etc. This is the reality of post affairs. Make him see it.

Love does not protect everything.

Laiste · 27/04/2018 21:04

So - if the situation were reversed - would he be able to relax in the knowledge that you've said you won't act on it? Honestly?

  • You still interacting with fancy man daily.
  • Having meetings in his room?
  • Attempting to avoid eye contact with him because, remember, the feeling is mutual.
  • His mate keeping an eye on his wife and the bloke she fancies?

I'd have to ask him this directly. I don't think he gets how this must feel for you. I wouldn't ask my DH to put up with it. I'm damn sure he wouldn't if it were me.
Flowers

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 27/04/2018 21:11

I would never ask him to leave that job and if he ever did enough that would warrant that happening, then he wouldn't have me and he could keep the job

Part of me hates it, but all he's done is look

I've asked him how his day was and if I he saw her. He said yes and they were in a meeting together so he's not hiding anything. I've told him I want him to be honest but I don't know if I'm deluding myself

OP posts:
Cuppaoftea · 27/04/2018 21:25

I don't actually think he's conscious of what he's doing. He's genuinely sorry not fake sorry and was being sincere with me. I think he thinks because he's not going to do anything (beyond look) it's sort of ok

Sorry Butt, he does know what he's doing. He's intentionally hiding your photos from her. He's looking for ways to spend time with her at work. He could snap himself out of this escapist fantasy at any time but is choosing not to, at the moment going as far as he thinks he can get away with in front of your friend and other colleagues. Like I say she won't be the only one noticing.

Ok you don't want to ask him to leave the job. But please protect yourself and your child, as you aren't married make sure in the event of a split you'd be ok with housing and finances.

I'd consider moving nurseries too, if the current norm is he does all drop offs and pick ups you could lose out on time with your child during the week or have to travel there yourself.

Your DP isn’t showing you the loyalty and respect he should beFlowers

Laiste · 27/04/2018 21:43

OP i feel for you. Ultimately what you do and how you feel is totally up to you.

Some posters here would barely bat an eyelid at this, some would be packing his bags. How any of us would feel doesn't really matter though.

The best thing to come from this thread is for it to have helped you see that you're entitled to feel how ever you feel, and for you to seek what ever you need to put it right.

Be honest with yourself though as a baseline. He hasn't just looked. If all that had happened is he'd watched her as she walked past his desk once or twice we wouldn't have all been here discussing it for the last couple of days.

UKcanuck · 28/04/2018 08:35

Hi OP, I feel for you but I think you are handling all this really well. I think all you can do now is sit tight. If you mention it with DP much more, you could be fanning the ember that he has admitted is there into a full flame. And it sounds like nobody wants that, including the OW.

OW needs to meet a partner of her own! Maybe that's where effort needs to go. Right now it sounds like it's just a crush, and those are often more satisfactory when action isn't taken anyway. Sounds like your DP is being mature about it (admitting he thinks she is attractive) but of course it's going to make you feel like crap. But if you can, try to ignore the feelings and keep a watchful eye via your friend. The more you bring OW up, the more he'll think about her. She needs to be part of normal conversation about the workplace -- not excluded, not over-analysed.

Big hugs - understand how this would make you feel and I'm glad you've got a good friend/spy IRL to make sure you aren't in the dark. ThanksThanks

spongecake04 · 28/04/2018 17:30

This is so difficult because at the end of the day if he wants to have an affair then he will. No talking to you will stop it. And I wonder if you're romanticising it by accusing and pointing it out all the time.

The reality is that people work with attractive colleagues all the time and should be able to control themselves.

Are you sure there is not already something going on? Is he really happy with the marriage?

To be honest I think the best you can do now is protect yourself and your DC and think about whether you would want to leave it he was cheating.

Goodadvice1980 · 28/04/2018 17:42

UKcanuck - the work colleague is not the OW! Not sure either what the significance is of your comment about her needing to find a partner of her own Hmm

The OP’s partner is the one who owes his loyalty, nobody else.

OP, you seem to be handling this very calmy and rationally. If it were me, I couldn’t be so “ok” with it and I would be wondering if he was thinking about her whilst sleeping with me. They seem to be making a big thing about being apart from each other because of the strength of their attraction to each other - this would ring alarm bells for me.

Why should you be worried about their mutual attraction, stressing about eye contact at meetings and interaction at work, late meetings and possibly misbehaving at the office Christmas party. I couldn’t and wouldn’t live like that.

I’d be tempted to send him on his way as a shock tactic. I think he is being very disrespectful to you.

sauvignonblancplz · 28/04/2018 18:31

It’s really rubbish if you think your partner has eyes for someone else, but maybe relax a bit. Laugh it off; I know sounds crazy!! But the bigger the deal you make the worse it is in your own head.
Do you get out and have a good time with the girls?? Try not to think about it or give it too much of your time.
I wouldn’t entertain my husband having a full on, on my goodness I need to avoid you crush ; however I’d i entertained it and talked about and gave it as much gravitas as you were you are maybe feeding it.
Making it more of a forbidden fruit, exciting etc.
You’re 100% right when you say you can’t control him, so leave it there.
Tell him to wise up he’s a fully grown man, who’s worked hard to get where he is, add the woman on insta and wise up. It’s a crush.
Let go of the ‘eye contact’ etc it’s just making it a bigger deal.

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 28/04/2018 19:18

We've only talked about it twice in the last couple of days so no major drama.

Goodadvice, why would you think that about sleeping together?

I do just want to thank you all for giving me a safe space to vent and have a sounding board

Something happened today - I have to put my child to bed then I'll be back

OP posts:
seventh · 28/04/2018 19:35

You know, it's probably just a bit of good old fashioned adoration from afar. A bit like I used to feel about Donny Osmond, back in the day. Blush

It'd be lovely if our partners only ever had eyes for us and vice versa. But let's be honest. Does that ever happen over the years?

Doesn't mean he will have a fling, doesn't mean she'll offer a fling

It's just humans being human

Goodadvice1980 · 28/04/2018 19:37

Evening OP.

My comment about him imagining it was her when you slept together is based on everyone I have ever known in the same position with a colleague crush stating they did this (sad, but true). I hope I am wrong, but I just couldn’t imagine being initimate with someone knowing they had strong feelings for someone else.

Many former colleagues have been very honest about imagining their office crush when sleeping with their current partner Confused

Flyingpompom · 28/04/2018 20:08

OP, you sound very calm and sensible. Not jealous or paranoid at all, to me.

I can totally see why you're worried and upset- I would be too.

But I have to agree, over the course of a long term relationship, the occasional crush is normal. My DH has been attracted to others over the years, as have I.

It doesn't mean anything will happen.

My advice would be...lay it on the line for him. Make it clear that any inappropriate contact with her-even 'just' a kiss- and you're gone. No second chances. Calmly but firmly point out that he'd be leaving the house, the kids and you, and there would be no turning back.
I know you don't want to have to, but sometimes you do. We're all human. From the sound of it, your dp is a decent bloke who's just having a stupid flirtation. Make him see the reality.

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 28/04/2018 20:11

Urghh that's made me feel sick. I can't believe they were so casual about telling you, that's terrible. We're they being serious or bravadoy bs?

There was an exhibit opening today hence them both working so I went along. I was going along to be supportive etc. I didn't get to that though, he didn't even see me. I feel like an idiot for my reaction.

I saw them together. He was with a client and she was walking past and her turned away from the buyer and smiled at her his smile for me, and she gave him a glowy smile back.

I sound so stupid and shouldn't have gone. I really thought it would make me feel better

OP posts:
Goodadvice1980 · 28/04/2018 20:27

Sadly when they told me it was all completely serious and true. No bravado or anything, they just confessed to me that they couldn’t help it as their feelings for their colleague crush were so intense.

I used to feel so sorry for their partners, sleeping with them but mentally their partner was imagining shagging someone else! It is my first thought now when people confess to me that they have a colleague crush.

If it were me I just couldn’t get pst it.

Hope you are able to make a decision which is best for you.

Goodadvice1980 · 28/04/2018 20:27

Past, not pst.

Delatron · 28/04/2018 20:47

So not avoiding each other then! But giving each other lingering smiles.

Weezol · 28/04/2018 20:52

Oh God. That's awful for you. I am so very, very sorry. Is he at home now?

Cuppaoftea · 28/04/2018 20:57

I'd confront him tonight with what you've said here.

'I came along to the exhibition today, I wanted to support you. As I arrived I saw you smile at her your smile for me so I left.'

He's pursuing her, don't stand for it.

timeisnotaline · 28/04/2018 20:59

Oh dear. That’s very difficult. You can’t look at him the same way knowing he is happily giving her the smiles and looks he should keep for you. Also, he’s obviously not trying at all to convey not available or interested to her.
I think one of my requirements st this point would be him to think of some way to communicate to her that he is happily married with a wife and dc. It might include asking you into work with dc , dinner out and a nice day trip next weekend all of which are instagrammed, and he has accepted her instagram request. If he thinks it would look weird after two weeks to accept it I suppose you answer do I look like I give a fuck?

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 28/04/2018 21:05

I feel so silly, but I don't know if I'm seeing two Co workers smile at each other and I'm reading into it. It just looked so shit from my pov. It was a warm eye crease smile, not the tight lipped polite smile I give to colleagues

And no, didn't look like avoiding

OP posts:
Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 28/04/2018 21:06

Cuppa, what makes you say pursuing? I don't know if it's better but it seemed more passive rather than active

OP posts:
SickofThomasTheTank · 28/04/2018 21:53

Oh dear.

You definitely need to do something, but not sure exactly what. Otherwise it's only a matter of time... I know, I've been there. My child was almost 1. Seems to be fairly common, or so I'm told, for men to start to notice other women (or just plain cheat) within a year of having a child.

He's still with her..... Sad

Cuppaoftea · 28/04/2018 22:06

Cuppa, what makes you say pursuing? I don't know if it's better but it seemed more passive rather than active

He wants her to know how he feels and is looking for her response. Have you told him you were there?