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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be angry now?

97 replies

feelinbloo · 13/05/2007 19:52

just over a week ago now, my best friends DH made a pass at me, which he got an immediatel and disgusted knock back, and i made the decision to tell my friend which i did the next morning. I felt that i just wouldnt be able to be the same around her and especially not him, and that it might be seen to him as an encouragement if i didnt. She took it well, told me things would be fine...and that was that. I heard from her about 4 days ago, saying she would come over to see me, then didnt and no calls or nothing. She is also on MSN all the time and doesnt message nor reply to mine. So i am angry now. I didnt do anything wrong, and felt horrible telling her, but i would have wanted her to do the same had it been the other way round. Am i being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Original poster
feelinbloo · 15/05/2007 10:17

i thought about that and dont want to hound her. aquasea, have you looked at it from my side? i told my best and only friend of years that her hubby made a pass at me, had my husband not have trusted me as much as he does it could have put my own marriage in serious jeapordy, my DS has lost his friend, i now feel uncomfortable going out of my own home as they live nearby, i do think yes i may be being a little unreasonable, but i think so is she...

OP posts:
aquasea · 15/05/2007 10:37

Feelinbloo, I can of course see your point of view but you are in a far far better position than your poor friend. You have a wonderful, trusting relationship with your DH, your family is intact... she is unfortunately in a vastly different place. She has found out her DH made a pass at her best friend. Not only does she have to address how to deal with this as well as question whether it has happened before with anyone else and whether he has actually been unfaithful... but she also has to deal with comparing herself to you. I understand your position, I just think you should give her a bit of time. It isn't something she will just be able to get over.

Original poster
feelinbloo · 15/05/2007 10:54

yesi do understand and like i say, its not that i expect her to come skipping over and it will be just like it always was, its not even that i want to see her, i just would like to know that she is okay or not okay, just something. even a, i cant talk to you right now i have lots to sort out, but will be in touch when i am ready. Anything but total ignorance.

OP posts:
Lauriefairycake · 15/05/2007 11:48

There isn't much worse than being told by a friend you love that your own husband is a would-be-cheating-lying-scumbag who slags her off behind her back.

This is not about you and your friendship with her and your feelings, this is about her coming to terms with it. She needs space and time and maybe you could send a short email saying your thinking of her would be appropriate. I would also say in it if it were me that you will not bring it up with her again unless she chooses to.

I know you're going crazy wondering what's going to come of all this and yes she could :

  1. blame you, believe him
  2. be too embarassed to see you, ashamed of how her relationship is going

or a MILLION other reasons, none of which may be to do with you. She could have spent the last few days arguing with him for one.

I have been exactly in this position and she didn't talk to me for a month - for lots of reasons, she wanted to recover, she felt very upset, embarassed that she had inflicted him on me etc .....

I didn't hassle her and it all worked out fine in the end.

In truth I think you should come on here for support - because people are fab at that round here

but in answer to your question, acknowledge your anger but don't take it out on her mentally (if you have to think about lying scumbag!). She doesn't deserve any anger just serious understanding, patience and friendship.

Original poster
feelinbloo · 15/05/2007 20:18

she doesnt deserve my anger? i am not angry with her, i am angry with the whole shitty situation...angry that i feel like the 'other woman' when i bloody well am not...i dont think i deserve her ignorance personally. She is on the forum i made right now...chatting to the folk on there, but not me. i wanted to know if i was being unreasonable, and the impression i am getting is yes, which is fair enough, but then shes not the only injured party here, and considering she wasnt even shocked and her hubby said 'she KNOWS i fancy you' when coming out with it all strikes me as odd and personally if i was set up to test her hubby as he suggested or set up to test my friendship,eiher of that is sick. Gossip spreads you know, i am in the same area as her, she has other friends...i dont want to be labelled as a threat! i am honestly pretty hurt that noone seems to see the implications in all this for me and my family, and why i might be feeling angry by now...so i guess that makes me morre than a little unreasonable...that makes me a whole lot.

OP posts:
Original poster
feelinbloo · 15/05/2007 20:23

sorry for the rant, it winds me up when i see her on my forum, but not even talking to me. thats why i think i should just ignore it all, i have done my horrible bit of telling her and personally i am really starting to think i dont want to know anymore.

OP posts:
LoveMyGirls · 15/05/2007 20:36

I would email and say you understand if she needs some space but that you are here for her when she is ready to talk then I would leave it, hard as that is.

I've had times i've fallen out with friends the hardest was when my ex was beating me up and my best friend of (must have been 7 or 8 years back then) told me she wasn't going to see me or speak to me unless he was out of my life for good. We didnt speak despite my best efforts, she completely ignored me for 3 mths until I moved to the other side of town away from him. Now i thank her for that but at the time it was so so hard i felt so deserted and alone at one of the hardest points of my life, it's been about 6 years since then now and we are still best friends.

If you are still meant to be friends you will sort it out but it will take time, as long as she knows you are there for her when she needs you. A week is not very long in the grand scheme of things, I wouldn't give up on the friendship yet.

Original poster
feelinbloo · 15/05/2007 20:46

its been two weeks now. yes not long, but it feels like a lifetime. I will hand on heart say its selfish, we saw each other all the time, i have noone else, i risked all that because i thought she deserved to know, thought i myself would want her to..i sat up all that night with my hubby crying my eyes out over the whole thing and trying to decide wether to tell her or not. its o hard to not think...well i would do that and this...its hard to be understanding now after two weeks. To begin with i was. but as the days have gone by, i have gone from being very sad to just feeling dumped by a long standing special friend. perhaps things will improve in time, but i dont even know now if i want them to. all i hoped for was a little communication even if just to say...i cant talk to you right now, i will be in touch soon. anything.

OP posts:
Original poster
feelinbloo · 15/05/2007 20:48

and yes i know that her marriage...the father of her kids will alwyays be the most important thing to her, i wasnt expecting her nor would i want her to choose and really there isnt a choice, i just wanted to hear something form her instead of constantly wondering what she is thinking..does she hate me? i could stand knowing that...its the not knowing, day after day,..thinking i might bump into her...what recpetion would i get.

OP posts:
hayes · 15/05/2007 20:52

two things spring to mind either

he told her that it was you that came onto him

or

long shot, but she as aware of him making a pass at you (made herself scarce) as they wanted a threesome?

Far out I know but the second has happened to me before

and might I add I left straight away

Hassled · 15/05/2007 20:52

The DH told you that he would tell his wife you had made the moves if it came out - isn't it possible that he's done exactly that? I mean isn't it possible that she is now of the opinion that regardless of what you said the next morning, and regardless of what good friends you are etc., she's been told, and believes, that you made the pass, hence the lack of communication. It's a lot easier to believe your friend is a cheat than to have to face the fact that your DH is. Maybe a letter/email to her saying exactly what you've said here would reinforce what you've already said and get the truth through to her.

Original poster
feelinbloo · 15/05/2007 21:05

well look..this is exactly how it happened...

if dh and i get a baby sitter we always go to theres for a few drinks and visa versa...so that night we went to theirs. Dh and her DH chat and me and her chat. I have never been in her Dh;s company alone. I did get on with him, but the only times we really all spoke as a foursome was when it was to do with the kids etc. By 12am we thought we should be getting back, but my mate really wanted me to stay. She was not seeming drunk at all, had had half a botle of vodka which she drinks because she says it doesnt get her drunk. Her hubby commented on that later when he was trying to say he had been set up. So i did stay, and after about 10 mins, my mate disappeared. I thought she had gone out to the car to get a cd...her DH went to have a look, i heard him go through to their room, then he came down and looked a bit put out. I asked him what was up..oh she has crashed out...its weird. I siad why, he just said you go check on her. I went up she seemed out for the count. went back down, said as much to him and he kept shaking his head. I said look whats the problem and he said again...i have been set up, she is playing a game with me. I was completely confused and said what do you MEAN??? thats when he said...oh she knows i fancy you. I gawped for a few seconds and he said it again. I shook my head (i wasnt even that drunk had had a bottle of asti) and told him that it would never happen, that i was totally shocked and upset. i went to leave and he started to get upset sayign he always gets rejected! I then told him that i was flattered but its not on at all and that if he is thinking of any women in that way at all, then he needs to be talkng through his marriage. he then asked me for a little kiss I went to leave again and he then tried to turn it on me, saying i had encouraged him, and he would tell my mate it was all down to me, i just walked out. The whole exchange took about 15 mins. I swear i did hear the floor boards creaking from their room though, because i said to him..is that one of the kids up? i dont know what the hell to think really, it was all so weird..if he thought he was beign set up why the hell did he say anything? was my mate really passed out when she has never actually done that in the time i have known her?

its why i am so confused and upset.

OP posts:
Original poster
feelinbloo · 15/05/2007 21:06

that should read i did stay and hubby went home to let the baby sitter go.

OP posts:
paulaplumpbottom · 15/05/2007 21:06

Did you think things wouldn't change between you two if you told her?

Original poster
feelinbloo · 15/05/2007 21:08

of corse i thought it would change paula, i am not an idiot is it so wrong to want to know that she is okay or even not okay, even if she then says she doesnt want me as a friend anymore? i do care about her!

OP posts:
paulaplumpbottom · 15/05/2007 21:09

I'm sorry I never suggested that you were an idiot.

Original poster
feelinbloo · 15/05/2007 21:09

no you didnt actually did you, sorry, i am a little sensitive about it all.

OP posts:
MrsDiorKeanuReeves · 15/05/2007 21:10

He could have convinced her that you were to blame
She could be very confused and needing a break from you
She could have decided to stick by him, and drop you

You need to talk to her asap.

cylonbabe · 15/05/2007 21:11

why did you tell her?
to add to her misery? if she ismarried to someone who is going to make a pass at her best freind, then she must already have an inkling of wha t he is like.
couldnt you have made the obvious negative to him, and then told him to clear his act up because you wouldnt stand for such behaviour towards your friend?
honestly.
your friened ignoring you sounds normal reaction tothis.

Original poster
feelinbloo · 15/05/2007 21:11

i am trying but she wont talk to me, and i cant force her. i am also worried that if i harass her she will think..oh well she must have done something then, if you see what i mean. i am just so fed up of it all, but cant avoid it, we live 5 mins from each other.

OP posts:
cylonbabe · 15/05/2007 21:11

oh, and of course you would end up being blamed. so why are you now thinking that you wouldnt be?

Original poster
feelinbloo · 15/05/2007 21:14

geez thats nice, i told her to add to her misery...for what its worth they never seemed to have any problems, seemed very happy. and i was concerned how he might react to it all come the morning, he might have decided to tell her himself, but his version of it, and where would that have left me? also if i didnt say anything would he have seen it as a sign of encouragement? she also told me, when i told her that she was glad i had, wether she meant it or not, who knows.

OP posts:
MrsDiorKeanuReeves · 15/05/2007 21:15

I think you were in a no-win situation TBH. It is his fault for putting you in that situation. What a wanker!

Original poster
feelinbloo · 15/05/2007 21:15

i am thinking i wouldnt be blamed? i am not thinking that at all. I am thinking it would be nice to know either way considering we live so close, our children go to the same playgroup and soon to be same nursery...

OP posts:
madrose · 15/05/2007 21:21

just quickly scanned through this, and I just had the thought that the reason she hasn't been in touch is because she's embarrassed and feels bad. It's not you per se, but seeing you and talking to you is reminding her what a dick her husband is. She is probably cringing everytime she thinks of it and she's probably hurt - again not your fault and I'm sure she realises that but......

Just text her occaisionally and I think the letter is a good idea - good luck