to not want my MIL to join us on holiday

[sunseasandfun]

i think I know I'm being a bit of a selfish bitch but here goes...
so we have a family holiday booked for myself my DH and our DC, it's our first holiday in almost 3 years, we are not well off and have saved for this week long holiday in the sun.
My in laws on the other hand, well off go abroad 2 or 3 times a year, not very old,
have lots of family around them.
So we told my MIL that we are going away and she has decided that she may want to come with us although she will be staying with a relative who lives in a small village near to our destination,so not joining us at the hotel, the problem is that she's already tried to get us to change our plans so that nearly everyday that we are away we will be joining her and the relative instead.
All myself and my DC want to do is go to he beach everyday and play and relax and go to waterparks etc..
My inlaws are very controlling people and I know she will be ringing everyday to ask us to come to where she is staying. She doesn't like to eat out, doesn't see the point in sitting on a beach, she hates when I wear clothes that show any skin (terrified of damage to skin from sun and also thinks I dress inappropriatly) so I'll have to cover up in the heat to make her shut up.
Am I being a bitch for wanting my DH to politely tell her not to come?
I just want it to be me and family doing what we want eating what we want and wearing what we want.
we've been on holiday with her before and I couldn't even decide what time to wake up! she had to tell us what was too late or too early!
I just don't want her there but how would I tell her this?

Does the distant relative even want her to visit?

To be honest i would be telling dh you will be ringing and inviting your parents obviously not really inviting since its no longer a family holiday.

You have a dh problem. Id take the kids elsewhere and leave them to crack on

Some good ideas from alfagirl73 and I've employing a few of them when we go to Florida in Oct! MIL and SIL will be coming along, but I know neither will want to go to a waterpark (so I've clearly put a full at one on our schedule), and I've told them we aren't doing any Disney parks this time (SIL, aged 47 LOVES Disney), just Universal, so I've clearly blocked off a few days for us to have on our own. We're also staying about an hour's drive from Disney, so that may not suit them either . OP if you're not prepared to take the bull by the horns you need to plan strategically.

I would have a serious word with your DH, this isn't a joking matter.
Tell him that he needs to man up, and that you will both tell her, together, this weekend. If he refuses, tell him that you will be cancelling your FAMILY holiday.
What a nightmare OP !

Definately not, say you can plan some time with her when you get back, or a short break/day trip if you can afford it later in the year.

@flutteringkites can I just say that the thread on that website you posted was epic!

I guess there is nothing you can do to stop her getting on the plane and staying with her relative. However you can be proactive about how much she affects your holiday.

Is she likely to just turn up at the hotel? If you have small DC then be up early at breakfast and off to the beach before she can be anywhere near the hotel. Go to different beaches/waterparks each day.

Have phones switched off - phones and beaches/water don't mix well anyway.

If she is waiting for you in the hotel at any point breeze past her saying you are off out/off for showers and a nap.

In short you need plan of how to deal with her when you are there.

My grandmother was like your MIL. Fortunately my father put my mother before everything and my grandmother died a very lonely women, with only perfunctory family visits out of obligation. Once my father had made it clear he wasn't playing her games, his siblings followed suit and it had a knock on effect.

Us grandchildren were quite aware from a young age that she was manipulative and would only give if she could get what she wanted in return.

Time for your husband to stand up.

She will ruin the holiday. I would rather not go and I would tell my DH that and mean it. Make a stand! Might as well, she hates you anyway.

Plan itinerary and book tickets. Obviously set aside some time for her but base it at beach or where you’re staying. If she doesn’t like it leave her and DH to do what they please. And wear what you like.

From the rabbit hole link on page 1

"he sounds like he's still living in her uterus."

"Flutteringkites

Nooooooo!

Explore this rabbit hole!

community.babycenter.com/post/a62791180/mil-ruining-vacay-541?cpg=1"

GreenTulips - I agree and I would be livid in the OPs situation.

What I am trying to do is make her see she can’t change her husband and she can’t force him to do something she’s too afraid to do herself. I’m trying to make her see it is futile arguing with him about it as that won’t change anything. If she focuses now and takes responsibility, they could still have a good time and, who knows, her husband may decide to stay with his family rather than sit and listen to his mother bossing him around. If nothing else, she can save this holiday for herself and the children.

If she does nothing, they will argue anyway AND they will have MIL to deal with. If she stands up for herself and her family, there may be fireworks, but they’ll be at the beach or water park having fun, which is better than fireworks and being with the MIL.

Do you see where I’m coming from? She can’t smile sweetly and so as she’s told but expect her husband, who has been brow beaten by this woman all his life, to suddenly stand up to her.

Take responsibility OP - show your husband and children how it’s done!

It's time to tell her politely but firmly that you don't want to see her on your holiday. Not sometimes, not only in a plane, not when it suits you. You don't want to see her on your holiday. Don't say any but and don't involve yourself into any discussions. Do it first with your husband. I don't think he's got it ( that you don't want to see your MIL AT All while on holiday) . Talk to him about sharing all details of you life with her - it's inappropriate. Be vague about your plans, always, just as a rule from now on.
I would strongly advise you to change holiday plans and never discuss that with your MIL.
My family could be like this. They were talking about holiday together once, it put me on a high alert. Next year I booked holiday and tell them vaguely about it just 2 weeks before going. We are close family, and my mum behave like your MIL, so I understand. To be honest I felt like a complete idiot at first teaching my DH not to answer my Mum questions, but he saw the reason for it eventually. We also moved to different country so it's easier now.
Your DH is ok with it because all these comments are actually towards you, would it be towards him he wouldn't survive 2 days.

Your DH is a sack of shit.
Tell him to fuck off back up his mothers vagina where they'll both be happy.

Tell him the holiday is cancelled and you're going to book one for you and your children.

OK your MIL is not normal, first of all know that.

Second, you can't do this without offending her. Don't expect to.

I would do this job yourself as dh clearly won't do it well. Emotional blackmail. Tell her you are extremely upset at the idea of her coming, you've not been able to sleep and are arguing with dh. Sound a bit crazy as you insist she not come or you will lose it.

Read ann Dixon, a woman in your(her?) own right.
Best book ever on assertiveness, many examples of these situations, then get your oh to read it.
Just say no. She will kick off, so what? Enjoy your holiday.

I came on to tell you that YABU as I imagined a lonely, widowed MIL who never has a holiday. However, that is clearly not the case here.

My advice would be to invite her to everything you do: beach, cocktails at the bar, whatever. She can join you or not, up to her.

Your OH needs to man up to his mother and tell her in no uncertain way that she will not be welcome when you go on holiday (and I am a MIL )
You know in the pit of your stomach that she will appear when you are away and spoil your time she will not leave you alone as she is the type to always get her own way.
Your OH is a married man with children for goodness sake and he should be able to manage his mother surely the woman can take the hint she is not wanted on the holiday.

Taylor22. Don't hold back will you?!

leila
Are you serious the bloody woman would come out of spite. Op doesnt want her anywhere near her why the hell would she invite her everywhere? Thats giving mil exactly what she wants, total imersion in thier holiday!

She sounds like my DM actually, so you really have my sympathy, OP. We've had holidays with her in the past, and it's always been such hard work. She would make the same kind of comments about what I was wearing that your MIL does. And she thoroughly takes over and takes on the role of holiday planner.

I'm standing up for myself now, though. She's showing how much she doesn't like that. As an example, we arranged to spend a recent holiday with my DSis and her family. Our DCs are close in age and they love playing together; we hardly saw them and it gave me lots of time to catch up with my DSis, which did both of us a lot of good. We took our 19 year old au pair with us (she's a friend of a friend who was looking for a family to be an au pair for and we offered). I felt that it would be nice for her to see other places in the UK.

My DM was majorly hacked off. She asked why we hadn't invited her to join us so that she could enjoy seeing all her DGCs at the same time? I knew that she was due to visit my DSis and her family the following weekend. She was jealous that we took our au pair with us instead of her.

It actually wasn't as hard as I had thought to set boundaries with her and she's backed off completely now. Your DH needs to do that, it's very liberating. He really has to 'man up' now and stand up to his mum.

@Flutteringkites that thread is amazing! Go Peena!

Cancel the holiday and rebook, but dont tell your husband until you actually go.

I’d have ‘a planned pre-emptive chat’ in front of witnesses so MIL can’t twist it - she’ll not expect you to be the one probing for info for a change asking for every little detail. Say you’re looking forward to your first relaxing wee family hol and as she’s now arranged to be in the area it would obvs be lovely to arrange a day or two to meet up too. Get in first making it clear (politely) it’s a day or two. Ask her what her plans are with the relative putting her up? Has she planned some trips? Do they have a lot of activities on? What days will she be free so you can coordinate? If she protests and says oh I thought I’d be with you all the time just say but we’re x miles away - and surely your host will expect you to spend days/dinners with them? If she says she can do any day say oh no we’ve a family pass trip/dinner evening already booked to ‘aqualand’ or similar that day through our accom it’s residents only (get researching the area for things to do!) how about the Thursday instead? If not staying at hotel say you’ve got a special family activity deal with a hotel nearby that has an understanding with your accom. Suggest day trips she can arrange with the relative too on days you’re busy. Concede somewhat and suggest a day out or whole family/relative meal one night etc. It’s ridic you may have to resort to an ‘itinerary’ to get some space but it’s either that or bluntly tell her (and deal with the anticipated drama) NO more often which doesn’t seem to be the preferred route.

Sounds like you also need to have a word with DH about supporting you as his partner and also point out the ‘innocent’ yet v manipulative tactics being used by MIL to dominate your long awaited hol (and other aspects of life), maybe it will sensitise him to them more as he seems immune/resigned to accepting them almost?

Good luck OP whatever you decide to do and hope you can enjoy your hol!