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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want my MIL to join us on holiday

460 replies

sunseasandfun · 20/04/2018 22:57

i think I know I'm being a bit of a selfish bitch but here goes...
so we have a family holiday booked for myself my DH and our DC, it's our first holiday in almost 3 years, we are not well off and have saved for this week long holiday in the sun.
My in laws on the other hand, well off go abroad 2 or 3 times a year, not very old,
have lots of family around them.
So we told my MIL that we are going away and she has decided that she may want to come with us although she will be staying with a relative who lives in a small village near to our destination,so not joining us at the hotel, the problem is that she's already tried to get us to change our plans so that nearly everyday that we are away we will be joining her and the relative instead.
All myself and my DC want to do is go to he beach everyday and play and relax and go to waterparks etc..
My inlaws are very controlling people and I know she will be ringing everyday to ask us to come to where she is staying. She doesn't like to eat out, doesn't see the point in sitting on a beach, she hates when I wear clothes that show any skin (terrified of damage to skin from sun and also thinks I dress inappropriatly) so I'll have to cover up in the heat to make her shut up.
Am I being a bitch for wanting my DH to politely tell her not to come?
I just want it to be me and family doing what we want eating what we want and wearing what we want.
we've been on holiday with her before and I couldn't even decide what time to wake up! she had to tell us what was too late or too early!
I just don't want her there but how would I tell her this?

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 02/05/2018 00:28

I agree with April - he trusts you not to react badly if he isn't always saccharine sweet to you, but he doesn't trust the women in his blood family.

I'd take it as a backhanded compliment in a way - but it's not nice that he speaks badly to you :( so I'd also bring it up and say you'd rather he didn't do that.

MrsCrabbyTree · 02/05/2018 03:20

@dingdongdigeridoo. Grin

snewname · 02/05/2018 10:09

Thumb and April are absolutely correct. But you do need to pull him up when he speaks to you disrespectfully.

TomRavenscroft · 02/05/2018 11:30

the way he talks to me sometimes is awful.

What does that mean?

He shouldn't be talking to you in an 'awful' way; he's your husband!

BarefootMe · 02/05/2018 16:52

Its tough but - if you lay down at the door people will walk on you. You don't have to be a doormat. Stop trying to please everyone, they won't respect you for it or like you better. Can you not woman up and assert yourself OP. I guess there may be cultural issues like needing to 'keep everybody happy' (which I have heard before from some South Asian friends), but it is more important that you know who you are and act with integrity and self-respect. Its a boundaries issue. Draw one around yourself.

SunwhereareyouShowyourself · 02/05/2018 18:00

if it was my Dp who I had told not to come over at a certain time then they would've fully understood, whereas MIL gets insulted and acts like I've slapped her in the face

Op our pils are very very similar. The only difference is my DH doesn't wildy adore his folks. But they still try and control us and FIl gives me - him the third degree as well,and its never out of interest for us but where he can get his hook in for his own benefit.

Its hard to explain how wearing it is being spoken to and bossed about in this manner. And most normal people would notice your manner change and change theirs ( if they want to remain on good terms but people like this - they dont!)

i have noticed that sometimes they act jealous when we go somewhere or buy something even though they are loaded and have a very full lucky life so I don't know what they have to be jealous about

Exactly the same. After a very tough year last year - I treated the dc to a special holiday this year. We dont often do special things. You would think Mil would be so happy her GC were going to enjoy this special treat....I would be - instead she had the biggest cats bum face known to the world and the tension!

She never asks the dc about it or anything. Interesting I wonder why it is - I think its nothing to do with the money side but more about they are not included , they are not in control and they are missing out.

MumW · 02/05/2018 18:57

but the way he talks to me sometimes is awful.
We have similar issues with DTeenager.

We ask her if she would speak to her teaches in that tone/manner and she is always horrified that we could even suggest she would. We follow up with don't speak to us like that then. It usually stops her in her tracks, not that it lasts very long but then she is a teenager.

Maybe if you call DH out on it he will eventually realise what he is doing.

dingdongdigeridoo · 02/05/2018 20:16

Exactly the same. After a very tough year last year - I treated the dc to a special holiday this year. We dont often do special things. You would think Mil would be so happy her GC were going to enjoy this special treat....I would be - instead she had the biggest cats bum face known to the world and the tension!

Same here! And when we get back from holidays she never asks whether we had a nice time. We have to listen to stories about her friends cousins daughter or whatever, but if we mention the trip we get further cat bums and comments like ‘that must have been pricey’. Pisss offfffff!

Original poster
sunseasandfun · 03/05/2018 15:53

So just an update we are at our hotel after stopping off to see relative, she'd made lots of delicious food which the kids wolfed down and we went off to our hotel, I'm glad we're here now.
It was a nice visit but the only thing was that MIL had told relative that we'd see her again on our last day before we went to the airport (house is on the way). i told her we wouldn't be doing that because we had a lot of stuff planned. She seemed a bit annoyed as she said she had planned to take us out and told plans to MIL and she'd agreed that we'd love it. i told her MIL never told us any of this and left it at that.
To be honest she didn't seem annoyed at us but rather that MIL hadn't told us.

OP posts:
Aprilmightbemynewname · 03/05/2018 15:55

So now you can switch off your phone op and enjoy your holiday!!

TomRavenscroft · 03/05/2018 16:04

Good for you for standing up for yourself. Relative sounds a bit like she's stuck between MIL and her schemes for you, but I think she responded as well as she could.

Enjoy your hols!

Looneytune253 · 03/05/2018 16:15

So she calls you on the first day and suggests something, you say ‘sorry we already have plans at the beach’ and hang up. Etc. Maybe meet up with relative one day but otherwise do what you want to do and TELL HER NO!! Make sure your dh is on board before you go though.

BerylStreep · 03/05/2018 16:18

Good Lord - MIL really is controlling! Where does she get off making plans on your behalf when you are on holiday.

I would make sure all phones are off, because once she hears from relative, she will be phoning and badgering you.

Enjoy your holiday.

MarvelleGazelle · 03/05/2018 16:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

user1483875094 · 03/05/2018 16:50

BERYL
Good Lord - MIL really is controlling! Where does she get off making plans on your behalf when you are on holiday.

ABSOLUTELY - AND EXACTLY BERYL!!

  • MIL had the GAUL to make EVEN MORE ARRANGEMENTS without even having the decency to TELL you, let alone ASK you!!

Sounds like the relative knows what she is like, and was probably "pressured into it anyway".

PLEASE turn your phones off now, and have a lovely, well deserved holiday with your husband and children, and NO MORE commitments of any kind, except to the plans you have made to be with your own children and husband! Have a lovely time! xxx

rookiemere · 03/05/2018 19:21

Actually OP you have done rather well:

  • You wanted MIL not to come on holiday with you - tick
  • You didn't want PILs to visit on Tuesday night - they didn't instead they came on the Monday night - tick
  • MIL made a whole bunch of arrangements for how you spend your holiday behind your back. You politely decline them - tick

Seems to me you have a lot more power over this than you realise when you put your mind to it. Now enjoy your MIL free holiday !

TamponCandy · 04/05/2018 04:36

My MIL is like this. When we organised a backpacking holiday or for six weeks, she called ALL her relatives and told them we would stay with them. We weren't even planning on going to Croatia. Our six week trip blew out to 12 weeks, being force fed home made brandy and DP (vegetarian) having meat stuck into his food. It was awful. Ten years later, I'm still not over it. Same deal, DP allows this to happen. I've had to put my foot down more times than I can count over some of the silliest things. I call it the Passive Aggressive European gene. DP can see how ridiculous his DM and DSis are being but it is so ingrained in him to be the good little son, he just does what he thinks is easiest and deals with me later.
Having said that, we have come a long way. Having a4yo and 2 1yo twins, I don't have time to cater to their shit anymore, so I don't. And DP is gradually realising that I am the one he has to live with, so pick your battles.
I do hope you are enjoying your holiday OP and don't come back to MIL playing the martyr.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 04/05/2018 11:20

I agree that you've done really well with this, Sunseas - I really hope you have a wonderful holiday and rest and that the relative has a word with MIL about her high-handedness!

Original poster
sunseasandfun · 10/05/2018 08:52

Aannnd it gets worse!
Relative phones us again said MIL had sent her money for her to buy a few things for her and that to give it to us to bring home, DH went trotting off to pick it up like a good boy, it's a couple of light jackets and an electronic toy??!.
we literally don't have space in the suitcase as we've tried to bring as little as possible but with Dc it still ends up being loads.
DH rang his mum and said we'd probably go over the luggage allowance with it and what out of the things should he leave as we can't bring it all, she said no no I've paid for it you must bring it.Angry
Ive been so relaxed on this hol that I'm trying to just ignore it and worry about it when it's time to come back as we've got a few more days yet.
Not looking forward to coming home honestly.

OP posts:
blueskyinmarch · 10/05/2018 09:09

Package it up and post it to her then bill her for the postage when you get home?

TomRavenscroft · 10/05/2018 09:28

Package it up and post it to her then bill her for the postage when you get home?

Do this. Or rather, tell your useless DH to do it.

For heaven's sake stop giving her all this power and presence in your lives. Give your DH a fucking good shake.

FranticallyPeaceful · 10/05/2018 09:31

Jesus Christ no. Just tell her no. I’d honestly want to stay home. You need to say you just want it to be your little family for some much needed bonding time

FranticallyPeaceful · 10/05/2018 09:31

In fact get your OH to say it

FranticallyPeaceful · 10/05/2018 09:32

Oh wow I didn’t read the rest of the post! What an absolute arse situation!

Aprilmightbemynewname · 10/05/2018 09:33

Pack it up, send without correct postage. She will have to pay to collect from the post office.