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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want my MIL to join us on holiday

460 replies

sunseasandfun · 20/04/2018 22:57

i think I know I'm being a bit of a selfish bitch but here goes...
so we have a family holiday booked for myself my DH and our DC, it's our first holiday in almost 3 years, we are not well off and have saved for this week long holiday in the sun.
My in laws on the other hand, well off go abroad 2 or 3 times a year, not very old,
have lots of family around them.
So we told my MIL that we are going away and she has decided that she may want to come with us although she will be staying with a relative who lives in a small village near to our destination,so not joining us at the hotel, the problem is that she's already tried to get us to change our plans so that nearly everyday that we are away we will be joining her and the relative instead.
All myself and my DC want to do is go to he beach everyday and play and relax and go to waterparks etc..
My inlaws are very controlling people and I know she will be ringing everyday to ask us to come to where she is staying. She doesn't like to eat out, doesn't see the point in sitting on a beach, she hates when I wear clothes that show any skin (terrified of damage to skin from sun and also thinks I dress inappropriatly) so I'll have to cover up in the heat to make her shut up.
Am I being a bitch for wanting my DH to politely tell her not to come?
I just want it to be me and family doing what we want eating what we want and wearing what we want.
we've been on holiday with her before and I couldn't even decide what time to wake up! she had to tell us what was too late or too early!
I just don't want her there but how would I tell her this?

OP posts:
Rainatnight · 21/04/2018 04:50

I agree with changing your plans or cancelling.

Uggie · 21/04/2018 05:07

Another vote for cancelling and rebooking. A holiday should be a break from stress. This won't be no matter how much you refuse to cave to MIL's plans. You will be stressed about it the whole time.

Book somewhere else. Even if it has to be cheaper. A camping holiday in Devon would be more relaxing than this set up.

And have serious fucking words with your husband. He should stop pandering to his mother and care about his immediate family's happiness.

pastabest · 21/04/2018 05:11

Whose idea was it to book a hotel close to where one of MILs relatives lives?

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/04/2018 05:29

Have you asked yourself why you are concerned about offending her? She couldn’t give a flying crap about your feelings.

You need to be very blunt. You and dh need to send a text from his phone along the lines of We are going on a long awaited family holiday. We have plans to spend our time exclusively as a family unit doing exactly what we want to do as a family. We understand you are contemplating staying with friends near our resort. We will be busy and will not be meeting up with you. We hope you have a nice time with your friends. We will see you when you get back.

Then when she gets upset. We are sorry you are upset, however we will be holidaying by ourselves.. Do not explain. Do not compare your lives to hers, she’ll come up with “don’t I deserve to enjoy my life after all these years!” Anything you say will be used against you. Including “Aren’t I family?” Don’t respond to this either unless saying We intend to spend time together just our little family doing what we want to do without concerning ourselves with pleasing other family members. This is our final decision.. You are adults. She is not more of an adult than you. I expect she is less. Stop letting her terrorise you.

flumpybear · 21/04/2018 05:51

Just say to her next time you see her that it's nice she's coming away at the same time as you but you didn't think she'd enjoy water parks and beaches because those are our plans - perhaps pre book water park tickets do you can't change them

As for your clothes 😱🙄 tell her you're quite comfortable as you are fuck off

Stand up to this horrible woman

BoomBoomsCousin · 21/04/2018 06:44

This may be a really expensive lesson for your family, given it's taken you 3 years to afford a week away, so if you see an alternative to this I suggest you try it, but I think you need to consider how much, realistically, you can influence your DH on this?

He is BU. But if he is not convinced or does not feel able to act I don't think you have to actually have to let that spoil things. Just be really clear beforehand that you aren't spending time with her unless you really want to and it will be up to him to appease her. Then if she makes arrangements to be with your family, just take off. On your own. Without the kids, Go off and explore. Spend time at the spa or a bar or just on a beach without her near. Read a book. Wear a thong bikini. Whatever you like. just completely ignore her presence and leave it to DH to deal with it (and make him deal with the kids at the same time). It may not be the best holiday, but if he's putting his mum first, you need to make that really unattractive to stop it happening the next time

FrozenMargarita17 · 21/04/2018 08:19

@Flutteringkites omg I read that one when she was posting and it was soooo bad !!

Lacucuracha · 21/04/2018 08:31

If your DH won't tell her then you need to. Tell her that it's not fair for her to intrude on your first family holiday in 3 years and that you would appreciate if she gave you all space. You can't stop her booking the flight but you can refuse to have anything to do with her. If she turns up at the beach, ignore her and wear your bikini!

Am I being a bitch for wanting my DH to politely tell her not to come?

It's sad that women see standing up for themselves as being bitchy Sad OP, you're not bitchy at all.

LoniceraJaponica · 21/04/2018 08:37

"I think the occasion calls for you 'accidentally' leaving your mobiles at home"

Or temporarily block her number while you are away. It isn't difficult. I would also do what Tatiannatomasina suggests and not change any of your plans. If your husband is selfish and stupid enough to allow her to join you she has to fit in with what you are doing.

Aprilmightbemynewname · 21/04/2018 08:40

Also interested to know who booked the hotel? Could dh have been swayed into it by mil from the start?

picklemepopcorn · 21/04/2018 08:49

Laugh and tell her she won't enjoy it. Tell her it's revolving around the children and the beach, that you're looking forward to eating out every day, all the things she doesn't like. Why on Earth would you want to do that? We aren't taking our phones, so we won't be able to make arrangements.

"Honestly, it would never work. You do holidays your way with FiL, we'll do ours our way."

Will it cause problems fitting everyone in the car? She'll have to sort her own transport out.

Original poster
sunseasandfun · 21/04/2018 08:50

The location was picked by me as its a beautiful area and to be honest we aren't close to the relative ourselves so it didn't even enter my brain.
My DH honestly thinks he will go to hell if he disobeys his parents, that's what it feels like anyway.
I will have to be the one to tell her that we have plans but I know it won't go down well, she's going to make a big drama of it all and make us feel guilty and probably even cry about how her children don't care for her (she's done this before)

OP posts:
Original poster
sunseasandfun · 21/04/2018 08:52

As for the PP who suggested I wear a thong bikini, I wish I could, however the locals would then be the ones telling me to cover up - nobody wants to see my arse out like that. Grin

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 21/04/2018 08:53

When my family are away I only have a rough idea of when they go and where 'We're going to Italy for 2 weeks at the start of August'

I have no flight details or hotel or even resort!

Who even told her your exact plans?

Highhorse1981 · 21/04/2018 08:56

You can’t
She is going to have to come
You’ve let it too late

You should have nipped this in the bud years ago. You cover up because of her opinion? Good grief, you’re a grown woman!

Aprilmightbemynewname · 21/04/2018 08:57

Tell dh he is welcome to share his holiday with his dm but you won't be.
And mean it.

LoniceraJaponica · 21/04/2018 08:57

Your husband needs to man up and tell his mum to stop guilt tripping him.

Highhorse1981 · 21/04/2018 08:58

**Am I being a bitch for wanting my DH to politely tell her not to come?

It's sad that women see standing up for themselves as being bitchy sad OP, you're not bitchy at all.

That made me laugh out loud!

She’s not standing up for herself. She’s asking her husband to do it!

LoniceraJaponica · 21/04/2018 08:59

And you need to be more assertive and not allow her to guilt trip you either. What kind of hold does she have over you? Free childcare?

DarkPeakScouter · 21/04/2018 09:00

Do as another poster mentioned and just go off and do the things you want. Let him entertain her. Having said that I love my Mil and enjoy holidaying with her.

BettyBaggins · 21/04/2018 09:02

Choose 2 days when yku will see her. Stick to tbem, tell her what you are doing. Thats it.

Though I suspect your husband wont let it be that easy.

BeyondThePage · 21/04/2018 09:03

You can't change the way she reacts to you, but you can change the way you react to any histrionics. Let her make a big drama - shuffle the kids away saying they don't need to see granny's tantrums etc.

Personally I would (and have in the past) just say "We have plans for our holiday. We will not be changing them to go visit with extended family." And repeat, and repeat, and repeat.

DH does not have to sort it out - he obviously has no problem with it. Perhaps he thinks the opposite, that his mum should be involved. So if you do not want her to be, you need to say so. To her. Often.

Original poster
sunseasandfun · 21/04/2018 09:05

DH told her. she even asked what time we had to check in and how much we paid and what clothes we were taking, what transport we had arranged to the hotel etc..
They ask us every last detail it's not unusual for them.
Next time maybe I'll show her what underwear I'm planning on taking and ask her what lube she recommends for us.

OP posts:
MintyT · 21/04/2018 09:05

I agree you tell her this is your 1st holiday in 3 years and you would rather be left alone to enjoy it. Let her know that you plan to do what you want and will not change your plans for her. You really do have to put your foot down here. You can tell her you will be doing things she doesn't enjoy.

BarbarianMum · 21/04/2018 09:06

If she's not staying at your hotel, you won't have to "tell" her anything. Just switch your phone off and have the phone taken out of your hotel room or tell reception not to forward calls. If she comes over, stick to the "we're doing x but you're welcome to join us" and make sure x is something she'll hate (water park would be ideal).

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