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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want my MIL to join us on holiday

460 replies

sunseasandfun · 20/04/2018 22:57

i think I know I'm being a bit of a selfish bitch but here goes...
so we have a family holiday booked for myself my DH and our DC, it's our first holiday in almost 3 years, we are not well off and have saved for this week long holiday in the sun.
My in laws on the other hand, well off go abroad 2 or 3 times a year, not very old,
have lots of family around them.
So we told my MIL that we are going away and she has decided that she may want to come with us although she will be staying with a relative who lives in a small village near to our destination,so not joining us at the hotel, the problem is that she's already tried to get us to change our plans so that nearly everyday that we are away we will be joining her and the relative instead.
All myself and my DC want to do is go to he beach everyday and play and relax and go to waterparks etc..
My inlaws are very controlling people and I know she will be ringing everyday to ask us to come to where she is staying. She doesn't like to eat out, doesn't see the point in sitting on a beach, she hates when I wear clothes that show any skin (terrified of damage to skin from sun and also thinks I dress inappropriatly) so I'll have to cover up in the heat to make her shut up.
Am I being a bitch for wanting my DH to politely tell her not to come?
I just want it to be me and family doing what we want eating what we want and wearing what we want.
we've been on holiday with her before and I couldn't even decide what time to wake up! she had to tell us what was too late or too early!
I just don't want her there but how would I tell her this?

OP posts:
CookPassBabtridge · 21/04/2018 00:02

You are NOT selfish. This is your holiday, your money, so you do what you want. If it causes problems then it causes problems, you won't have done anything wrong. It's so controlling! It will still be a pain worrying about her ringing or just showing up though so I would confidently let her know your plan and say "there's no point you booking at the same time as we won't be seeing you anyway"

MiggledyHiggins · 21/04/2018 00:06

Holidays should be a time to reconnect and spend quality time with your loved ones away from the daily grind.

After the last disaster of a break away with a domineering relative, I've vowed never go on holidays again with that person.

Some straight talking is needed, maybe along the lines of making it clear that her idea of what makes a good holiday is not yours and you won't be spending all that money on the first holiday in years to spend it doing what other people want instead of what you want to do.

DH needs to stand up and be firm that it's a family holiday that does not include her. You need to make it clear before you go. People like this don't take hints.

Johnnycomelately1 · 21/04/2018 00:21

I think the key thing is to avoid an outright "fuck off, MIL" but to stand firm on your own plans, so basically "we will text you and let you know our plans and you're welcome to join us" but basically do not change your plans for her. (Basically what Birthday party said).

And definitely don't let her dictate your wardrobe!

pallisers · 21/04/2018 00:22

No way. you and your family are entitled to weeks holiday without interference from others.

Have your dh tell her that if she goes the same week as you, she won't be seeing you as you are absolutely planning to do entirely your own thing on this holiday - it is the point of it. And if he won't do it - you tell her.

I'd risk falling out with anyone over this - my mother, my MIL, my friend, my sister - if they decided to tag along on my precious holiday.

pallisers · 21/04/2018 00:24

so basically "we will text you and let you know our plans and you're welcome to join us" but basically do not change your plans for her.

I really wouldn't do this. Why should she tag along with their plans - it changes the entire dynamic. I adore my MIL and have gone on holidays with her - but it wasn't the same as a holiday on our own. It changes things. The OP is entitled to have one carefree week just enjoying a holiday with her husband and kids with no hangers on.

Just say, sorry MIL but we won't be meeting up on hols - can do that when we are on home. this is a holiday for us - a break away from routine.

Original poster
sunseasandfun · 21/04/2018 00:34

DH shrugged and said what can I do? I can't make her not come with us.
She's the type to make a mountain out of a molehill so I know she won't take no for an answer.
we see her once or twice a week so it's not like she doesn't spend time with GCs.
If she wasn't so controlling I wouldn't mind but she has a way of telling you to do something that you can't say no to, at least I can't. Even when you do say no she'll go on and on until you change your plans.
I remember one time she rang up a cousin and said she wanted to visit, the cousin said oh I've got to take my daughter to a bday party today, she then spent ten minutes asking how far it was, how close the girl was to the bday girl etc and eventually convinced her poor cousin to delay talking her daughter until after she'd been round first. The woman just won't back down and so I don't know how DH will convince her not to come without offending her.

OP posts:
Original poster
sunseasandfun · 21/04/2018 00:37

I'm thinking of telling DH that it's ok for her to come on the same flight as long as she knows we have plans the whole time and won't see her till the flight back but at the same time I know she will do her best to make us change our plans.
DH is saying that he can't tell her not to come and it's unfair for me to ask him to.

OP posts:
petmyunicorn · 21/04/2018 00:43

Your husband's normal meter is broken. It is inappropriate for anyone to invite themselves along on someone else's holiday, let alone expect everyone to change their plans to suit the holiday crasher.

It doesn't matter that it's his mother. It is not okay.

I'd be having him tell her this is for your family unit only. No exceptions. As you say, you already know she'll wear you down with her demands if she comes - so prevent that problem from happening by unapologetically telling her she is not included.

You're his wife; you should be the priority. After all, he didn't marry his mother.

Tatiannatomasina · 21/04/2018 00:46

Let her come, wear what you want, go where you want, eat how you want, do not accomodate her. Practise saying cheerfully, no thanks. Set the tone from the start and do not bend. If hubby wants to schlep the kids to see her wave them off and get yourself to the beach.

alleypalley · 21/04/2018 00:50

Seriously, look into changing your booking to a different location if you can. There's no way I would put up with that.

halfwitpicker · 21/04/2018 00:52

Er, yes he can. He should say no.

ADishBestEatenCold · 21/04/2018 01:05

"DH is saying that he can't tell her not to come and it's unfair for me to ask him to."

You could try telling him that you think it is unfair of him to stand back and allow his mother to spoil the first family holiday you and he have had with your children for years.

You could suggest to him to him that you and he present a united front, by sending his mother a nice letter explaining that, on this occasion, you both want to holiday with just each other and the children, so you won't be joining her on any of the days you are away.

You could explain to him that if he refuses to present a united front with you, and persists in allowing his mother to join you on holiday, you will simply step back, while he and his mother take the children on holiday, and you have a wonderful week somewhere else, with every moment spent on yourself!

ADishBestEatenCold · 21/04/2018 01:09

"I'm thinking of telling DH that it's ok for her to come on the same flight as long as she knows we have plans the whole time and won't see her till the flight back"

I really don't think you should do that. If you allow that much, she will spend several days of the holiday with your family ... maybe even all the days of the holiday.

For sure.

C8H10N4O2 · 21/04/2018 01:25

DH shrugged and said what can I do?

He can grow up and tell her honestly that much as he loves her this is your first family holiday in three years and you have other plans. That you look forward to seeing her afterward as normal.

Ask him if he would prefer to cancel because there is little point in spending hard earned money on a trip which is not a holiday.

KC225 · 21/04/2018 01:29

I think it sounds lie an awful idea.

Of your DH refuses to put a block on it then you will have to do it. Send her an email with bullet points to be clear.

As you know this will be our first family holiday in three years so we fully intend to spend it doing the following:-

Lazing by the pool

Lying on the beach

Visiting water parks

Eating out

And I'll be bearing skin so pack your blinkers and smelling salts.

Do not get into discussions where she can brow beat you. Say no we have have plans already with a tight smile and put in headphones.

Wdigin2this · 21/04/2018 01:42

OMG, my previous MIL, that would have been my worst nightmare!
Get her son to explain that this is a long awaited break for your family, the activities have all been planned, and they include spending most days on the beach, and the sea. Also you'll be eating out most nights, because you budgeted tightly to just afford it. She must be given enough info, to put her right off joining you!

Italiangreyhound · 21/04/2018 01:48

YADNBU. Just tell her yourself. "I know you are thinking about whether it may be a good idea to go on holiday at the same time as us to XYZ. However, I just want to make sure you know we are having a family holiday so we won't be free to see you."

Be ready for her to be upset or grumpy but just counter with "I know you will understand because it is so important for families to have time away together, and we have not had a time away, just me, dh and the kids, for three years."

IF, she does decide to come you cannot really stop her but you can make sure you carry on with your holiday as you want.

Talk to your dh first too and make sure he is backing you up.

Swallowfalls · 21/04/2018 01:55

Sorry but my DH would be given a choice, he tells MIL you won't be spending any time with her while you're there or you'll cancel. It will ruin your holiday and render it pointless in terms of family time or a break for you so what would be the point in going under those circumstances?

People who don't put their partners above extended family baffle me, do they not realise it makes no sense to piss off the person they live with day in day out in preference to pissing off someone they only see a couple of times a week? Put your foot down OP, if he can't see for himself that you and DC should come first then you'll have to show him.

Italiangreyhound · 21/04/2018 01:55

"DH shrugged and said what can I do? I can't make her not come with us." He sounds a bit like my dh!

Just say that of course she can go on holiday but you and he kids won't be available and I expect if your dh is honest he would rather not give up his time to visit her and her friend! So he just needs to say.

"If she wasn't so controlling I wouldn't mind but she has a way of telling you to do something that you can't say no to, at least I can't. Even when you do say no she'll go on and on until you change your plans."

Sadly, it sounds like you are all letting her get away with it. Tell your dh to convince her not to come or you may have to tell her some home truths!

"The woman just won't back down and so I don't know how DH will convince her not to come without offending her." He just says it, "Mum, me and sun need a break away. So please do not come along as it is a family holiday just for us." Then he goes out the door or off the phone. Why are you all letting this woman dictate.

The cousin on the phone only works if you stay on the line and engage. A quick "Sorry, no can do." Gotta run." And hang up. Make sure your phone has caller ID and don't pick up if she tries to call back!

"DH is saying that he can't tell her not to come and it's unfair for me to ask him to." Just tell your dh to do what he wants to do, but you tell her it is a family holiday. It is easier for you to do it, and if he can't, he can't. It does not need to be mean. It's just a fact. You want a family holiday without in laws.

bunbunny · 21/04/2018 02:29

Another vote for investigating how much it would cost you to change your plans - fly somewhere else or even just find another place to stay that's in the opposite direction from the airport from the original direction you should be going...

And then tell your dh that if he doesn't tell his mother that you won't be spending your precious holiday time with her, you will take that as a go ahead to change your holiday destination. It's his choice - he needs to tell his mum or you change destination (and don't tell her so she can't follow!).

If he complains, just keep pointing out it's his choice. Your choice is to have the family holiday that you had planned together as just your family and not involving her. If he won't tell her, then that is his choice and he knows that the consequence of that is to cause the holiday destination to be changed.

What would he say if you said that there's no point going on holiday if mil is going to go with you?

ashbah1980 · 21/04/2018 02:30

You say she sees her GC once or twice a week. So if she does go- she sees her GC once or twice while you are away. And I would take it as an opportunity to kick back by the pool with a jug of sangria. Wink

Sparklynails7 · 21/04/2018 02:45

Yanbu. Your MIL is being incredibly selfish by trying to change your holiday plans so they're in alignment with hers. Get your DH to explain that you don't go on holiday very often and want to spend time with your children.

tillytown · 21/04/2018 03:32

The link Flutteringkites posted is crazy! For anyone who can't be bothered to scroll back - community.babycenter.com/post/a62791180/mil-ruining-vacay-541?cpg=1

elsmokoloco · 21/04/2018 03:41

OP I suggest you cancel your family holiday plans for this year, and instead use that hard earned money to send your DH & MIL on holiday to possibly to somewhere like Thailand. There your DH can receive a much needed spinal and testicular implant, and your MIL can have the "Brass" removed from her neck.

doleritedinosaur · 21/04/2018 04:21

Your DH can spend time with her then if “there’s nothing he can do.”

You & the kids do what you want to do & he goes to the village.

It doesn’t matter if she doesn’t take no for an answer why should you?

& I’ve been there a million times with my MIL & a DH who took years to realise it’s not healthy