to not want my MIL to join us on holiday

[sunseasandfun]

i think I know I'm being a bit of a selfish bitch but here goes...
so we have a family holiday booked for myself my DH and our DC, it's our first holiday in almost 3 years, we are not well off and have saved for this week long holiday in the sun.
My in laws on the other hand, well off go abroad 2 or 3 times a year, not very old,
have lots of family around them.
So we told my MIL that we are going away and she has decided that she may want to come with us although she will be staying with a relative who lives in a small village near to our destination,so not joining us at the hotel, the problem is that she's already tried to get us to change our plans so that nearly everyday that we are away we will be joining her and the relative instead.
All myself and my DC want to do is go to he beach everyday and play and relax and go to waterparks etc..
My inlaws are very controlling people and I know she will be ringing everyday to ask us to come to where she is staying. She doesn't like to eat out, doesn't see the point in sitting on a beach, she hates when I wear clothes that show any skin (terrified of damage to skin from sun and also thinks I dress inappropriatly) so I'll have to cover up in the heat to make her shut up.
Am I being a bitch for wanting my DH to politely tell her not to come?
I just want it to be me and family doing what we want eating what we want and wearing what we want.
we've been on holiday with her before and I couldn't even decide what time to wake up! she had to tell us what was too late or too early!
I just don't want her there but how would I tell her this?

Unfort your m’n’law sounds very controlling and I think if she ends up in the same country as you - I’m sorry but there seems no chance you will have the holiday you want.
We got married in australia (my m’n’law and family attended) and a year later I booked a 3 week trip back to oz to revisit our wedding hotel/location etc - hoping for a romantic holiday. My m’n’law asked to come to australia with us - and my hubby didn’t want to say she couldn’t come. So I stipulated to her during a phone conversation that she could come but only on the proviso that I was going to spend 3 days alone with my husband staying in the hotel/small town where we got married and she could not come with us on this 3 day trip.
By the time we actually left for australia - my romantic trip for two had turned into a family trip for seven. My self and my hubby, my parent’s’n’law, my brother’n’law and his best friend and another family friend of my husban’d’s family. My husband hired a minibus to drive us all around. And of course - come the day of our three day trip - my mother’n’law and the rest of the crew wanted to come and my husband felt he couldn’t not let them come.
So we all pile into the minibus (as you can imagine I was not happy!) and literally as we were pulling out from the curb - my m’n’law started complaining that we were going to a location she had been before during the wedding and since she was on holiday in oz she wanted to see something new. The rest of her family joined in...and I was outvoted and my husband decided we needed to go with the majority. I was absolutely furious and it took some time to repair my relationship with my husband for not supporting me after he had agreed we could have these three days alone revisiting our wedding places (we got married in a vineyard and our photos were done both there and on the beach) if his family was joining us on the three week trip.
Whatever you do - do not let your m’n’law join you on holiday. You will not get the holiday you want if you do. I hope your husband can step up for you.

I had similar when I was first married, with small baby. MiL and FiL (but the 'good idea' came from MiL, FiL would do anything for a quiet life) shoe-horned themselves into the holiday we had organised to try to repair the relationship. I thought OK, we don't have to see them once we get to the hotel. Five minutes after we got to our hotel room MiL knocked on door to say "Don't unpack, we've managed to get adjoining rooms!". Not just adjoining, there was a door from one room to the next, it was some kind of 'family suite'. How impervious does someone need to be not to notice a marriage is under strain - I'd already 'gone home to mum' twice at that stage - and to make sure a couple can't have sex for fear of someone bursting in? 😂

You don't need your husband's help or permission to say no.

She is your family too. You married into it, but that still makes her family.

Go see her. Tell her exactly what you've said on here. Tell her you and the kids just want to relax for a week and spend time just with them. You don't want a schedule, you don't want to go visiting and you don't want to be hassled. It's tour only holiday in 3 years and you want it the way you want it. Invite her for dinner before and after, ask if you can all go for a day out before you leave - whatever you think she would like.

Tell her she is welcome to visit her relative, but she is not welcome to change your holiday plans whilst there. Make sure to emphasise that you don't want it to change your relationship, and that you want to do all those things with her but at home, not on your holiday.

Tell her there is nothing else to be said, and it's up to her if she wants to visit her relative but not to make that decision thinking that she will be seeing you all.

Give her but, say bye and leave. Do not enter any more discussions. If she does to your husband just tell him that he already said he wasn't doing anything about it so he is to stay out of it. You are his wife, he cannot tell you what to do when he refused to tell his mother what to do.

Stand your ground. The relationship will survive if you make an effort to see her and do things with her outside of this topic.

YNBA, I'd get DH to tell her it's your family holiday and she's not invited (politely of course).

That wouldn't be rude, what is rude is your MIL inviting herself in the first place.

See sometimes people think that MIL bashing is unnecessary but really, when I'm a MIL (maybe in the future) I wouldn't dream of even thinking of imposing on my DCs and their own family's holiday.

I would know, as I do already even though my DCs are all under 10 that they would want time to themselves and to relax in private, as a family, without me gatecrashing their plans. It changes the nature of a holiday when you have to be meeting up with and making arrangements around other people, even family.

Some people love going on hols with in-laws and I think that's great. But it has to be mutual decision. It's unfair to invite yourself along, it says that you don't respect the new family unit and it's like you'd be treating your grown-up DCs as little ones still who you can make decisions for.

Another 'tell your husband to day.

No. Do it yourself. You are the mother of her grandchildren and you are her son's wife. You are more than allowed to discuss things with her when they affect your family.

My dad worked abroad so he wasn't here to deal with his parents on behalf of my mum. She just had to do it. And we were all fine; no massive fights, we all see each other and we all knew what each other felt about certain activities etc.

Just talk to her yourself, but be firm, do not let her argue with you. Tell her it is not a debate - you are simply telling her your plans and they will not be changing. Maybe offer one dinner during the holiday and tell her the rest of the time she can do as she pleases, but you will not disrupt your holiday.

I would honestly consider trying to change destination or hotel and don’t tell her, otherwise your MIL is just going to muscle in at every opportunity. You are going to spend what is supposed to be relaxing family time feeling cross, anxious, and peering round every corner expecting to see her, or flinching every time the phone rings.

I really think a frank conversation is needed with her - MIL, we love you, but this is our first holiday in years, and we really need it as family time, just us, alone. It’s lovely that you are staying with cousin Mildred, but you need to be clear that we will not be meeting up with you at any stage of our holiday. It’s just our time, alone. I don’t want to get into further discussion on this.

If your DH can’t bear having that conversation face to face (and I could understand why if she is as persistent as you describe), then an email or text to her.

I like @Avasarala's advice! Take back control.
My MIL offered to come on our Easter holiday to look after DD, I said no thanks, and that was that. You've got a challenge on your hands, OP!

If he really won't step up to the plate then the least he needs to agree to is that you tell her your plans and say that she is welcome to join you if she would like but that you are not going to change your plans to suit her whatsoever.
Then let all her comments go over you.
She can say or tell you what she wants but you don't have to do it.
The telling you what time to get up. What does it matter? Ignore her and continue to get up when you want. She can only get to you if you let her.

It sounds like it's utterly pointless telling her not to come, it just won't work. So you need to make it clear to her that you are not going to change your holiday plans one iota so she will have to amuse herself. If your husband hasn't told her where you're staying, make him give her a completely different address; if he has, tell her there's been a last minute change of plan and give her the fictional address. Block her from your phones. And have a good holiday.

YANBU at all?

What does your husband think? I do not blame you at all!

For me, this would be the equivalent of my parents coming on holiday with us- by contrast, my MIL & her partner would be very welcome on a holiday with us!

Sounds like you all need this long awaited holiday and should be left free to enjoy every minute of it.

OP you know your DH and you know that he isn’t going to say no. If you can’t/ won’t, then I reckon you will be back on here later this year saying how awful your holiday was.
My exH could not stand up to his DPs and I moaned but did nothing ( a bit like you, sorry) until DD was born and they didn’t like the name we chose . Said she should be called after MIL !! I flipped especially when H said “ well maybe we should “. I hated the name almost as much as MIL . I ended up dragging myself to Registrar and registering her with the name WE had chosen. All Hell broke loose and she barely spoke to me again ( result!) but I felt so good as you will if you deal with this NOW. Good luck.

ok I've gone back to read some of the thread and various replies, a bit more updated now with how things lie!

this is awful. you have my sympathies.

i would tell her you'll be down on the beach or at the water park every day as it's what the kids want to do. then switch your phone off for the holiday. don't give her your room number.

to all questions about holiday say 'not sure' / don't know. change the subject. the house is on fire! the kids have got into the knife draw! I've spilt my tea!

I think that it’s really unfair of people to say you should be the one to stand up to MIL. Harsh words between Mother and Son are soon forgiven but with someone outside the family they can fester forever. He is the one who can be clear and yes he can stop her going.

What is most important to him on holiday I wonder? lots of relaxed sex I bet. Well what is most important to you is “house”family time. ( pinched that off the rabbit hole thread) If he won’t give you the holiday you want, then I sure as hell wouldn’t give him the holiday he wants.

Also if spending time with grand kids so important to her, why has she never booked a Villa or something and offered to pay for you to come along? She may have only been able to have one holiday that year instead of a few but that’s what I would do if my grandkids had no holiday in 3 years.

You can however stand up to your husband and I would not give an inch on this if I were you. You could soften the blow by saying that you will take her on the next holiday. Then make sure you book it when you know she will not be available.

I haven’t had a holiday for two years and face at least another two years before I can get away. I am lucky and money now is not an issue but family circumstances changed suddenly. It made me realise that you don’t know that there will be another holiday.

I really hope your husband sorts this out for you, and puts you and the kids first.

You are NOT being unreasonable. I wouldn't go.

Change the destination and the plans, don't hesitate, do it. Tell her at the last minute ....perhaps a few weeks before. If she acts surprised, say you'd assumed irrespective that she'd want to see her friend anyway.
Or say you'd like a holiday just the 3 of you THIS time, maybe another time together. If she doesn't take the bait, cancel and rejig another plan and then claim the agent messed up!

I agree you DH needs to do this.

Oh Tinkobell you are wicked 😂

'MIL - there is literally no point as we will be doing things that you hate.'

Easy solution - you and the DC do all the fun things you've planned and your DH hangs out with his mother if he won't stand up to her.

For everyone saying her husband needs to do this- it's been made clear that he won't.

That is an issue that needs dealing with and they need to talk about him standing up for his wife and children, and not doing as mummy says all the time. But they havnt dealt with it, and it will take a bit of work to make him realise his error with those situations.

So, for the sake of the holiday, OP can do it herself, or stand behind her husband whole he does nothing. Then have an awful holiday, and up with frustrated kids, and up resenting her husband and also showing obvious dislike to her MIL. None of that is good or acceptable.

Or, she can stand up herself and say no to MIL, and arrange other things to keep the peace.

Working on her husband will take time and he will take time to adjust. Unless she just says "do this or I'm leaving you" but that isn't a smart way to deal with it.

OP, sort this one out yourself and use it as a chance to show your husband how important it is too you and then talk about him backing you up. Use it as a way to wedge open the discussion about him being a grown man and saying no to mum, and putting his own family first.

If DH wants to be petulant and on the fence "I can't make her not go", just let him know HE can't make YOU spend time with her. Go. Don't see her. Not even once. Always have something you would rather do, even if it IS chilling on the beach (aka what holidays are for). She will learn a valuable lesson about trying to muscle in on a holiday.

I agree with QueenofWands - get your DH on board with your idea of the holiday. The cocktails, the restaurant, the swimming pool with the kids, the water park, whatever. I'm not sure how you're planning on the relaxed sex when your kids are there but there's usually a way ;-) which will be harder if Mil is there too, and if you're fuming it won't be on the cards at all. He needs to see that going to Mil's relatives and her popping over every day is not in your interest as a couple. Good luck OP, cheering you on.

He11y

you've kindof explained exactly how I feel inside.
When I put my foot down about things I feel like I'm being just like his mum and giving him no choice, we've almost split up over things like this in the past, I hate how he only 'chooses' us over his parents when I put my foot down, I want him to WANT to do things with just us and to be able to stand up to his parents but if he's been this way for so long I'm being unreasonable to expect him to change.