to not want my MIL to join us on holiday

[sunseasandfun]

i think I know I'm being a bit of a selfish bitch but here goes...
so we have a family holiday booked for myself my DH and our DC, it's our first holiday in almost 3 years, we are not well off and have saved for this week long holiday in the sun.
My in laws on the other hand, well off go abroad 2 or 3 times a year, not very old,
have lots of family around them.
So we told my MIL that we are going away and she has decided that she may want to come with us although she will be staying with a relative who lives in a small village near to our destination,so not joining us at the hotel, the problem is that she's already tried to get us to change our plans so that nearly everyday that we are away we will be joining her and the relative instead.
All myself and my DC want to do is go to he beach everyday and play and relax and go to waterparks etc..
My inlaws are very controlling people and I know she will be ringing everyday to ask us to come to where she is staying. She doesn't like to eat out, doesn't see the point in sitting on a beach, she hates when I wear clothes that show any skin (terrified of damage to skin from sun and also thinks I dress inappropriatly) so I'll have to cover up in the heat to make her shut up.
Am I being a bitch for wanting my DH to politely tell her not to come?
I just want it to be me and family doing what we want eating what we want and wearing what we want.
we've been on holiday with her before and I couldn't even decide what time to wake up! she had to tell us what was too late or too early!
I just don't want her there but how would I tell her this?

You and your DH are both quite compliant for keeping the peace

But this is no longer working.

Because now this effects something important to you.

I don't think your DH knows how much you are resenting this situation and wonder how you actually put the problem too him?

Did you say look - if she comes me and the kids will be out at the water parks and you can sit in the cottage with your mother because we aren't changing our plans to suit you and your mother

From what you've said I don't think that your OH will agree to not seeing her at all so I think you will have to compromise to maybe once or twice but be firm and tell her this before you go. You need time as a family, you will prob be the one who will have to tell her

Out of all her 3 son's families we probably do the least with her as it is so it's easy for her to make DH feel guilty.
She always states that she's going to die in about ten years or so but hes got the rest of his life with me!

I agree you just need to say "as long as you realise that we'll be spending our time at the beach or eating out, as we really need a break." /"As long as you promise not to be upset when we head off to the beach every day."
If/when she starts hassling you on holiday you just say "no we're off to the beach, we did tell you we wanted to do that"/"no we're going to the beach like we said" / "remember we told you we're going to the beach, we're still doing that." /"No we're really looking forward to just relaxing." /"I know, we were worried you might be upset, that's why we made it clear to you before we came."

She sounds very annoying. Do switch your phones off most of the time you're there too. And possibly change your hotel so she can't just turn up, if she knows where you're staying!

I totally agree with italiangreyhound, you say your husband doesn't know how to engage without offending his mum, but TBH there are a million ways to word it that aren't offensive at all and 'we're going away just the four of us as planned' isn't offensive at all!
If she's as bad at rerouting as you say, then 'getting the same plane' will turn into 'sharing a taxi to the place' then X and Y that she takes over... SHE'S offending YOU!
You might have to get properly visibly upset if you need your husband to understand; I reckon if you tell him what you've said here (you didn't even know when to bloody well get up in the morning last time) that's pretty convincing.

i have told DH that if she comes then I may not come and book myself somwhwre else but he laughed and said I was being overly dramatic.
I should get myself an inhaler and get it out everytime he doesn't do what I want. It certainly works for MIL.

Honestly op. You have to tell her no in no uncertain terms. This is such an unhealthy relationship. I’m not surprised your dh is brow beaten after a lifetime of this. But when will it end

Somehow he has to realise that this isn’t how normal families work

Change your plans? You could, but it would cost.
Of course, you could just tell mil that you've changed your plans so she doesn't go. Then you take your holiday as planned.

Seriously, you need to get firm about this. Decide exactly what you're going to say "We're having a holiday just for our nuclear family, we have our activities planned and wont have time for anything else" or similar.
She'll kick off, yes, but remember you don't actually have to do anything you don't want to. No matter how much she bangs on about it. The worst that can happen is she decides to have nothing to do with you for a bit.

I knew he'd have said every detail!

He needs to realise that a normal conversation with normal people doesn't involve them turning up. He should've pre empted her turning up.

OH DW booked somewhere in Spain, i don't have the details , sorry. Would all it needed.

Ring the hotel and see if they have a sister hotel near by that you could swap to - and don't tell DH.

Ditch his phone at the airport.

Job done

Tell your dp to grow a backbone and that his mum doesnt rule your family.

Your mil does not get to dictate how you spend YOUR FAMILY holidat. Spell it out to them both you are doing exactly what you have planned and just kerp repeating. She only gets her way cos nobody stops her nobidy8puts the phone down, walks away or ignores her rants.
You have to do this or your whole life and your kids lives will be ruled by this crazy woman. Once kids are older they will be conditioned to jump when she calls too, thats sad.

Tel her now and every time she brings it up just say: Dont you remember i told you we are not doing x, y, z. This is our first family hol in years and we are doing our own thing." EVERY TIME.

And ffs wear what you like on holiday tell her to mind her own business. Seriously she obviously doesnt care how much of a selfish bitch she is so dont care about her feelings on anything you do either.

I couldnt live like that with his mum interfering all the time i would be questioning if it was worth it for the rest of my life tbh.

Tell your dp to grow a backbone and that his mum doesnt rule your family.

This^.

Since he told her you're going, he can tell her that you want a family holiday without her. He's being utterly spineless and since he's so open to manipulation I think I'd try a little of it myself, if I were you!

Dh = wet blanket. What a turn off.

YANBU! DH is though in my eyes.

I was just thinking about my adult DS off for his first holiday in June to Greece with his girlfriend. I'm very tempted to squeal when he comes in - guess who's just booked onto the same holiday as you darling!!!!

Because I'm a cow like that

Try not to let it stress you too much, warn hotel security about her or just blame the kids, kids want to stay by the pool all day every day anyway, who wants to be traipsing off to distant relatives?

Good grief. She sounds awful.

As your husband won't deal with her properly, all you can do is disengage with the situation. If she does join you on holiday, grit your teeth and do what you wanted. Refuse to see her. Have your beach holiday. Let your husband run around after her. Don't join in.

Ok, you need to take responsibility for dealing with this and stop pushing your husband to do what you don’t want to do yourself.

Whatever the rights and wrongs, it’s important to you that you spend time relaxing with your husband and children but it’s not as important to your husband.

It’s as wrong for you to insist he does what you want as it is for him to insist you do what he wants.

If he would prefer to be with you but can’t say no then that is his problem and only he can change that. You quietly pressuring him from the other side, while smiling sweetly and obeying his mother yourself, makes you as bad as her but in a different way.

What you can do in that case is be the role model you want for your children and demonstrate to him and them how to stand up to difficult people.

So, she’s going on holiday with you but staying in a separate location. Your husband is happy to meet her every day and you are not. You know her well enough to predict her actions. So, what are you, as a fully grown woman and mother, going to do to protect your family time?

You can be strong, say no and take the consequences.

You can arrange to meet once or twice and say no to everything else.

You can turn off alerts on your phone and only answer reasonable texts/phone calls.

You can just keep saying no to your husband and tell him to meet her himself if he’s determined to do so, but then you and your children still do the fun things you’d planned.

You know she isn’t going to frequent the places you will be so it’s only really phone contact you need to deal with.

There will be other options. So what are YOU going to do OP? How are you going to keep this holiday on plan for you and your children?

Just in case I'd prebook tickets for all the stuff I wanted to do and breezily tell her that every day she tried to interfere. Even if you didn't have tickets. I'd still be telling her that.

and probably even cry about how her children don't care for her

Tell her that if she carries on like this, that will be absolutely true.

And you have a DH problem not a MiL one.

You are definitely not being a bitch. I can't imagine anyone who would want to go on holiday in these circumstances.

You cannot stop her getting on the plane and travelling to where you are going - if she's that pig headed then she'll do it whether you want her to or not. If your DH won't tell her not to come, or at least tell her that you won't be available... and you are not prepared to have the argument with her before the holiday... if were you I would consider the following options/tactics:

1. See if you can change hotels/resorts. Doesn't have to be miles away - even the next hotel/resort would do. Just make it difficult for her to "find" you. Do NOT tell her the new location and do not tell her details of your plans ie. what you are doing on what day. Be really really difficult to find and to track down at any time.

1. Switch your phones off when you're there. Not your fault you had no signal!

1. Make your plans and stick to them - go to the beach, waterparks, all the things you intend to do. They are not places she would want to go by the sounds of it - so makes it harder for her to "find" you. As mentioned above - do not tell her what you are doing and when. Or, if absolutely necessary, give her a "decoy" schedule which is, of course, different to your actual plans. When she complains, just say you changed your mind or she must've got it wrong. It's a holiday - not a military operation - plans change!

1. If she DOES find you, then push on with your plans as intended. If she starts moaning, take her aside, tell her this is what you are doing, it is her choice if she tags along but it is NOT acceptable for her to impose on your holiday plans and ruin things for you and your family. So she can either tag along in good nature or leave - her choice but moaning about your plans and telling you to cover up etc... is NOT an option.

Bottom line - sounds like there's going to be a fall out of some kind along the way - either before the holiday if you make it clear she cannot tag along (in which case might as well do that - enjoy your holiday in peace and deal with the inevitable fall out at home).... or on the holiday if she turns up and "finds" you.

So it's a case of damage control and limiting her opportunities to ruin things. But sounds like you will have to be prepared to stand up to her and tell her to back off at some point given that no one else is doing it.

Good luck!

OP - woman up! MIL has turned your DH into a wuss (mine is the same with his parents) don't let her do the same to you.

Does she do text? If so send her "DH and I are having a much needed holiday, just us and the kids. Please don't make plans to join us as we want it to be just us" then block her

Let her rant if you see her but just repeat the mantra "it's going to be just us". Repeat the same to your DH until he starts to chant it in his sleep 😀

He11y

I think you're being a bit unfair to OP, in her head she has a wonderful relaxing break with her familly planned

She doesn't need the stress of falling out with her husband on holiday with MIL causing problems.

What she needs is for her MIL not to be there in the middle of their marriage.

Who's wants people they know by the pool interfering and complaining about restaurants and keeping time sheldules to visit on holiday?

Don't do it
Part of reason I split from dp was his mum tagging along and ruining our family holidays for me

And your husband should tell her to butt out. Mine did not, now he's an ex

“DH shrugged and said what can I do? I can't make her not come with us.”

This is quite a good comeback to use on your MIL.

You can’t make us do what you want.
You can’t make us go to x.
You can’t change our holiday.
You can’t tell us what to do.

Start everything with “you can’t” and reply to her “explanationions/justifications” with no, you can’t make us....

It’s very difficult to turn around an argument if one person keeps replying with “you can’t make us”

Practice

Bloody hell OP, what a nightmare your MIL is and your DH needs a boot up the arse. I’d try to change the whole holiday tbh and tell him none of the details, just arrive at the airport and “Surprise! You won’t need that Spanish phrase book anymore darling, we’re actually going to Italy, what fun etc”......

YANBU in the slightest, and you've married a coward whose afraid to stand up to his mummy.

Your MIL will ruin your holiday since your DH won't stand up for you.

I suggest you turn off your phones while you're there and not answer your hotel phone.

This is YOUR holiday, and she wasn't invited. SHe is completely out of order to just barge into it, and your DH should have flat out told her no.

Good luck.