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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want my MIL to join us on holiday

460 replies

sunseasandfun · 20/04/2018 22:57

i think I know I'm being a bit of a selfish bitch but here goes...
so we have a family holiday booked for myself my DH and our DC, it's our first holiday in almost 3 years, we are not well off and have saved for this week long holiday in the sun.
My in laws on the other hand, well off go abroad 2 or 3 times a year, not very old,
have lots of family around them.
So we told my MIL that we are going away and she has decided that she may want to come with us although she will be staying with a relative who lives in a small village near to our destination,so not joining us at the hotel, the problem is that she's already tried to get us to change our plans so that nearly everyday that we are away we will be joining her and the relative instead.
All myself and my DC want to do is go to he beach everyday and play and relax and go to waterparks etc..
My inlaws are very controlling people and I know she will be ringing everyday to ask us to come to where she is staying. She doesn't like to eat out, doesn't see the point in sitting on a beach, she hates when I wear clothes that show any skin (terrified of damage to skin from sun and also thinks I dress inappropriatly) so I'll have to cover up in the heat to make her shut up.
Am I being a bitch for wanting my DH to politely tell her not to come?
I just want it to be me and family doing what we want eating what we want and wearing what we want.
we've been on holiday with her before and I couldn't even decide what time to wake up! she had to tell us what was too late or too early!
I just don't want her there but how would I tell her this?

OP posts:
allchangenochange · 25/04/2018 03:34

I have been on a holiday with my MIL, it was a touring holiday of my home country. The difference was we invited her, she isn't a pushy overbearing pain like yours so it was fine. You are not being a bitch for wanting your hard earned holiday to go to plan.

EdgeOf17 · 25/04/2018 12:20

This sort of happened to us once, it was a shame as i really do love PILs but, oh god the memory.

It was different as it was their caravan on the south coast, we hadnt had a holiday for 2 years and needed a break with then 3yo DS. Well as it was 'their' caravan, MIL phoned me and said 'oooh guess what? we are coming with you! although we will be sleeping in the caravan so it would be best for you to take your tent wouldnt it - yes yes'

Hmm Shock

So, as it was their caravan we didn't have-the balls feel that we could argue so off we went, the weather was colder than expected (which would have been bearable in a caravan but remember - we were in the tent) and PIL's followed us everywhere, then when we decided to have a day to ourselves with DS they took offence, 'why would you want to do that' errr because this is our family holiday and we want to spend time with our son... the final straw was when they offered to look after DS for the day so we could get time to ourselves, OK yes that was kind, so when we told them where we were going...

'What do you want to go there for? It is full of snobs, we would NEVER go there, awful place, what a ridiculous idea -why dont you go to Angry Angry

I swear i love them dearly but FFS - i made it clear to DH that we were NEVER going away with them again. Luckily he has-balls agrees with me!

EdgeOf17 · 25/04/2018 12:22

btw - in my story ^^ they had offered us use of their caravan for the holidays, we didnt just take it upon ourselves to go

BecksBlue2 · 25/04/2018 13:45

Haven't read all the responses so apologies if repeating, but I would find a "reason" to cancel this place and rebook another beach holiday somewhere else - a whole other country. Tell her there was an issue with your hotel or some such excuse.

That or just tell her to F* off and you will not be meeting up with her!

xx

TheNoseyProject · 25/04/2018 21:42

first step that pit of your stomach anxiety is so familiar isn’t it! Dh is annoyed by them but doesn’t get the emotional bit as he didn’t grow up with it.

ThisIsTheFirstStep · 26/04/2018 03:06

nosey yes, it's so horrible. I am constantly waiting to put a step wrong with my mother, waiting for her to be in a sulk...my husband doesn't even notice, but it is really obvious to me when she's in a mood.

Even though I just ignore it these days, the sinking feeling is the same.

But if I ask her what's wrong, it's almost always 'nothing. Why would anything be wrong?' or she just totally snaps and starts yelling about every single thing.

The worst part is that I know I can be the same way. I try really hard to just be open with people, but I know I can be just as bad as her.

Sucks.

snewname · 26/04/2018 07:39

She's probably booked it anyway but hasn't bothered to tell you because she knows you won't like it.

Stop hinting things and tell her straight. It'll be awkward the first few times but then she'll learn that you aren't a pushover, and she'll stop pushing the boundaries so much. She knows she can get away with it, even if you don't like it. So why should she stop?

SukiTheDog · 26/04/2018 08:01

You have 14 pages of pretty much universal opinion OP. Just sort it.

2andcountingtodate · 26/04/2018 08:16

Can you change the booking to a sister place? Or another time..much better then living on edge. That way you know she cant join you.

picklemepopcorn · 26/04/2018 08:42

We've done several family hols with DHs family. It's usually ok, though involves a bit of teeth clenching.

The last time, though, we'd been living apart for some months due to DH starting a new job in a different city. We had a 2 month old baby and a 4yr old. We couldn't get away from them at all.

We made it clear that we were doing our own thing on day 4, arranged to meet them at 4pm. Then we drove off for a little pootle about. We stopped at a marina to show DS1 the boats. They pulled up behind us, waiting in the car. They had followed us. After a while they got out and asked if we'd be much longer. Arrgghh

Original poster
sunseasandfun · 26/04/2018 09:28

well turns out I do have some balls after all, well kind of, I told MIL that we had things booked for everyday (which we do on some of the days).
Her reaction was just that we were wasting money and it would be better for us to stay with relative, I told her the relative likely doesn't want a part of the family she's never met before staying with her and that we've booked and paid for stuff that WE want to do and that's what we're sticking with.

she's still not mentioned anything about whether or not she's booked herself on the flight, she changed the subject to something else after I disagreed with her.

At least she knows that if she has then we're gonna be busy anyway.

small steps..

OP posts:
snewname · 26/04/2018 09:31

Well done op. Follow through with being busy, even if dh wants to give in.

Nanny0gg · 26/04/2018 09:32

I bet she's still going...

SURPRISE!!

Aprilmightbemynewname · 26/04/2018 09:32
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 26/04/2018 09:55

"Her reaction was just that we were wasting money and it would be better for us to stay with relative,"

She's still coming, betcha. But well done you for telling her, now all you have to do is stick to it like glue in the face of continuing bitching (because she will) about money wastage (how very fucking rude - it's YOUR money, YOUR holiday, YOU get to decide how you'll spend it!). And make sure your DH doesn't back down, not even once,

If you're feeling extremely gracious and magnanimous, you could choose to offer to see her and relative one afternoon in the time you're there - but don't let him ask, or her.

Ohyesiam · 26/04/2018 09:55

Well done op.
Your husband needs to change his family dynamic for his own( as well as your) sanity. My position in my family was in the middle, keeping the peace. Eventually, after a lot of trouble I just told my dm and ds I would not be in the middle any more, I wouldn’t be a sounding board, I wouldn’t mediate, I banned both of them from talking about the other to me. It’s been great, my life has got much easier, and they have had to face up and be adults. I realise your husbands situation is different, but his life will improve hugely ( after some upheaval) if he steps into being an adult with his mum.

2andcountingtodate · 26/04/2018 17:04

Well done OP Grin

Troels · 26/04/2018 17:45

Good start OP, keep sticking up for yourself.

carefreeeee · 26/04/2018 18:21

Can't you just meet up with her a couple of times during the week? Perhaps she can mind the kids for a morning or all go out for dinner once. The rest of the time don't get into any discussions. Tell her you've got plans but will be seeing her on x day for dinner and then hang up.

She is family too and it's a bit mean to shut her out. It would be wrong to say 'we're having a family holiday so we don't want you' - she is your family too!

Definitely don't change your plans to suit her though.

GreenTulips · 26/04/2018 19:03

Just because you are familly doesn't give her the right to barge in on a holiday she wasn't invited to and then dictate what they can and can't do during that time

I wouldn't agree to meet up because as soon as she leaves your DH will say he's agreed to do X tomorrow with DM - and it will just annoy you

People who always suggest 'oh she's familly too' have no idea about the misery some people can cause others with there set routines and snide remarks

rookiemere · 26/04/2018 19:58

Carefreeeee because if the OP agrees to meet MIL even for a quick coffee that's it they'll all be suckered in. A meal out will become a huge familee extravaganza at these relatives which will start earlier and earlier, a morning minding the DCs will turn into visiting these relatives for the entire day or doing what MIL wants. Then once its one day - why not another. There is no good way for this to go once MIL has booked her airfare.

OP and her family have saved up for this one simple week away for 3 years. MIL goes on holiday 2-3 times per year. If MIL genuinely wants a family holiday with them all then she can pay for it.

Lizzie48 · 26/04/2018 20:39

No, that would definitely be a bad idea. Unfortunately, once again this is a case of posters who haven't experienced the dynamics of toxic family relationships not getting it. The OP's DH will be sucked into agreeing to his DM taking over again.

It's so important to maintain boundaries here. They haven't had a holiday for 3 years, and it's not right at all that this is making the OP dread it.

timeisnotaline · 26/04/2018 21:02

Well done so far op. Now for your dh, If mil does stay with relative his phone off till noon every day. If he doesn’t do this and picks up the phone to her before then , drop it in the toilet. It’s easy, you hold it out , open your fingers , let it drop and you can’t undo it. You will have had the discussions so need to back it up that you will not be pushed over on this.

user1483875094 · 27/04/2018 06:46

CAREFREE you are entirely missing the point. They have a 7 day holiday booked, which in effect really ends up being only 6 with travel and waiting for coaches to destination. So you suggest that they immediately offer up TWO of their precious SIX days to a pushy, mean, selfish and uninvited woman - so that's a third of their rare and precious holiday gone, and the rest of the time, poor OP will be feeling resentful. OP has specifically mentioned, again and again, that she wants to spend the time WITH her children so why on earth park them off in some old relatives' house, where they will undoubtedly be bored stiff, when they could be frolicking in the sea with mum and dad, or at a water park, or building sand-castles??? You really haven't got it have you? OP don't waiver, keep your precious days for yourself, your children and your husband, which was your long term plan!

Willow2017 · 27/04/2018 11:01

catefree
Op doesnt want this manipulative witch on her holiday at all. They see her twice a week its ops family hol not extended family.
Mil would ehinge and bitch about everything why ths hell should op be told what to do, where to go and what to wear on her own holiday?

She can go stay with her relatives who probably don't even want her there and stay there. You just dont invite yourself on someone elses holiday.