Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want my MIL to join us on holiday

460 replies

sunseasandfun · 20/04/2018 22:57

i think I know I'm being a bit of a selfish bitch but here goes...
so we have a family holiday booked for myself my DH and our DC, it's our first holiday in almost 3 years, we are not well off and have saved for this week long holiday in the sun.
My in laws on the other hand, well off go abroad 2 or 3 times a year, not very old,
have lots of family around them.
So we told my MIL that we are going away and she has decided that she may want to come with us although she will be staying with a relative who lives in a small village near to our destination,so not joining us at the hotel, the problem is that she's already tried to get us to change our plans so that nearly everyday that we are away we will be joining her and the relative instead.
All myself and my DC want to do is go to he beach everyday and play and relax and go to waterparks etc..
My inlaws are very controlling people and I know she will be ringing everyday to ask us to come to where she is staying. She doesn't like to eat out, doesn't see the point in sitting on a beach, she hates when I wear clothes that show any skin (terrified of damage to skin from sun and also thinks I dress inappropriatly) so I'll have to cover up in the heat to make her shut up.
Am I being a bitch for wanting my DH to politely tell her not to come?
I just want it to be me and family doing what we want eating what we want and wearing what we want.
we've been on holiday with her before and I couldn't even decide what time to wake up! she had to tell us what was too late or too early!
I just don't want her there but how would I tell her this?

OP posts:
2andcountingtodate · 27/04/2018 11:43

Hot damn my sister and parents went abroad seperately. I should have reminded them that they owe me as im their family and intruded too! Grin

Lizzie48 · 27/04/2018 12:25

My DM was very upset with DSis and me, when we visited her family back in February. Our DCs are similar ages and they had an absolute ball. DM thought we should have invited her, too, so she could enjoy seeing all her DGCs together. But we knew that she would be visiting my DSis the following weekend. So why would we invite her? She really was hacked off, particularly that we took our 19 year old au pair with us instead of her. She couldn't do what most normal people would do, simply like and comment on our Facebook posts.

Parents like this make it all about them. You have to protect your boundaries.

Original poster
sunseasandfun · 27/04/2018 14:01

carefreee she is family and that's why I felt like i was being a bitch however rookiemere is right, it's never simple with her, if we give her an hour she'll turn it into 4 hours, and then make plans for the next day too, we do see her a lot anyway.
the relative is over an hour's drive from our hotel but as we have a car she won't think twice about asking us to come over everyday.

OP posts:
oncemoreunto · 27/04/2018 14:03

I went on holiday to see my dsis and her family who are the same age as mine, my DM (who lives close to them) phoned me up and ranted abuse at me for half and hour or more early one morning as she didn't think I had organised to spend enough time with her during the visit. She lives close to them and cannot understand some activities during a holiday will be wider family ones and some are more individual. Nothing about being screamed at at 8am in the morning made me want to spend more time with her. I was really upset and my DH and BIL both had to be prevented from contacting her to give her some feedback on her behaviour. She then insisted on joining us on an activity she hated the next day. Keep maintaining your clear boundaries.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 27/04/2018 14:06

Sorry, haven't read all 15 pages. Your DH needs to man up and tell her, not you. Hope you have a nice holiday!

GreenTulips · 27/04/2018 20:06

the relative is over an hour's drive from our hotel but as we have a car she won't think twice about asking us to come over everyday.

That's a long way in a hot car - anyone else thinking 'it's much easier if I bunk up in the hotel room with you, saves you the journey'

BarefootMe · 29/04/2018 11:47

Still don't understand why you don't just say NO. No ifs, no buts,no explanations just - NO.

TomRavenscroft · 29/04/2018 11:58

Your DH needs to man the fuck up and I'd have no hesitation in telling him so.

I'd tell DH HE is no longer welcome on the holiday and you're taking the kids for some peace and quiet.

If you did end up with MIL on the holiday, you should just be thick-skinned and say 'no' to anything she phoned and suggested. 'No, we've got plans for today.' Hang up.

Comments about sitting on a beach being boring? 'Not your business, MIL.' Eating out isn't healthy? 'Not your business, MIL.'
she hates when I wear clothes that show any skin (terrified of damage to skin from sun and also thinks I dress inappropriatly) so I'll have to cover up in the heat to make her shut up.
Fuck that. Wear what you want. She makes a comment, you tell her (can you guess?) 'Not your business, MIL.'

Original poster
sunseasandfun · 29/04/2018 12:29

i cant just say no, it's not as simple as that, they would make a huge deal out of it and say I'm ungrateful and mean and I don't want her in my life etc...

Anyway it's been confirmed that she is not coming with us however she wants to come see us at about 8 or 9 the night before we fly out even though I've told her rhat ill be putting the DC to bed early as we have to be up at 4am, her reply was oh well it doesn't matter I need to see my GC before they go!
I've said I'll bring them to her in the day but she's busy apparently.

And I've been given instructions to stop off at the relatives house before we drive to the hotel as shes been told we're coming and will prepare some lunch for us ( I don't mind stopping off to meet her I just don't like being told to) and then i was asked what gifts I'd be taking to the relative, so now I have to go gift shopping and no doubt whatever I buy won't be good enough.

OP posts:
TomRavenscroft · 29/04/2018 12:45

OP, you CAN say no. If she makes a huge deal out of it you are entitled not to care. You are entitled to shrug and laugh and say 'Stop being so silly.' Do you care if she thinks you're 'ungrateful and mean'? If you don't, then let her know this.

You can also say no to her seeing the DCs. You can reiterate that they will be in bed before 8pm. You can not let her in if she still insists on turning up.

You can NOT go to see this relative. You can tell MIL you will not be doing so, so that the relative doesn't go to the trouble of making you lunch. You do not 'have to go gift shopping'.

I'm not saying any of this is easy, but it is simple in principle. If you don't start behaving differently towards your MIL, she will not stop behaving as she is. You can keep putting up with it and come on here every now and then to moan about it, or you can change the way you act.

By the way, I actually really think your DH needs to be the one challenging her; you shouldn't have to do any of this. But it seems that he will not, so here you are.

llangennith · 29/04/2018 13:00

OP you do not have to do any of those things your MIL has ordered.
What is wrong with you? Do you enjoy playing the martyr?

NewIdeasToday · 29/04/2018 13:00

I just don’t understand why you put up with this nonsense. Explain the kids will be in bed at that time and she can see them when they get home and lots of stories to share from their holiday.

Phone the relative directly and explain that you won’t be stopping for lunch as your kids will be tired from the early start and bursting with excitement about getting to the beach.

It’s your life - you need to live and stop letting your MIL decide what happens.

happypoobum · 29/04/2018 13:03

OP!!! You are now coming across as a total martyr.

Really - are you this pathetic in all areas of your life? Tell her no and mean no. She cannot come the night before, you will not be meeting the relative, and why on earth would you be buying her gifts??? Confused

Lizzie48 · 29/04/2018 13:04

It totally isn't up to your MIL who you visit on holiday. You don't know this friend, so why should you visit, just because she's a relative? It's very cheeky of your MIL to expect the relative to entertain you, she might be relieved if you pull out. It's just the sort of thing that my DM would do.

2andcountingtodate · 29/04/2018 13:05

You are welcome to come at 9 but the dc will be asleep and im sure you dont want them woken so they feel ill the next day.

The dc will need food and a rest after the flight, that doesnt work for us.

Your dh needs to learn to stand up for the wellbeing of his family. You shoukd tell her no.

2andcountingtodate · 29/04/2018 13:06

And all those negative things you dont want to be seen as... you already are. Even if you bend over backwards you are.

rookiemere · 29/04/2018 13:24

Woo Hoo - ok other stuff is annoying, but the major battle has been won - she isn't coming with you.

That's fantastic - and the coming the night before and the dropping in on the relative are her way of trying to persuade herself she hasn't lost this one. I'd therefore be inclined to smile sweetly and nod at whatever she says but have the DCs in bed if she comes along late and get your DH to pick the gift. Or even more irritatingly for MIL just waft your hands airily and say you'll get something in duty free.

Bluesmartiesarebest · 29/04/2018 13:35

Tell MIL that you will not be visiting the relative. What’s so wrong with being seen as being ‘difficult’? It’s much easier than being a weak pushover who can be bullied. You only need to say no a few times and people stop asking!

What’s the worst that can happen if you stand up to MIL? Nobody will be seriously harmed in any way. Do you think DH would leave you if you become more assertive? What are you so scared of?

I can recommend a book called ‘feel the fear but do it anyway’ which helped me grow out of being a people pleaser and start standing up for myself.

happypoobum · 29/04/2018 13:38

If you have to be up at 4am surely you and DH will be in bed by 9 too? Confused

Huskylover1 · 29/04/2018 13:49

Who the hell are these MIL's?

I have grown up children, and I'd never dream of behaving like this with them. Because they are adults, and what they do is no longer governed by me.

It's just bizarre!

I'm only in my 40's though, and I get the impression that it's older women who behave this way.

Nanny0gg · 29/04/2018 14:25

I'm only in my 40's though, and I get the impression that it's older women who behave this way.

Why?

OP. Go to bed early for your flight and turn off the lights (after sending her a text saying that you will be asleep so not to bother)

Original poster
sunseasandfun · 29/04/2018 14:28

The kids will be in bed in time and she won't see them if she comes after 7, I wouldn't keep them up to see her.

I CAN say no but then my DH will be panicking and blaming me for the fallout which I don't want before we go away.
I don't mind going to see the relative as DH has obviously met her before and he hadn't seen her in about 12 years so it's fine by me.
I will bring her a gift because I would anyway but I know once MIL sees it she'll havr plenty to say

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 29/04/2018 14:35

Tell her you sent DH to buy the gift and actually send him - her problem will be with him then!!

Stop getting involved and side step trouble. That's the only way your DH will know what they are because he will have to deal with it himself

TomRavenscroft · 29/04/2018 14:44

I CAN say no but then my DH will be panicking and blaming me for the fallout which I don't want before we go away.

He needs to sort this out. Stop taking it all on yourself.

You are acting the martyr, OP, and sympathetic as I am, you are not helping yourself.

Original poster
sunseasandfun · 29/04/2018 14:45

happypoobum I guess i am pathetic, at least when it comes to MIL, I let things go because I want my Dcs grandparents in thier lives, and I know if i say no to everything then they will make a huge commotion out of it and drag in all the rest of the family.
Also because I love my DH and yes he doesn't have a spine where his parents are concerned but he loves them dearly and I won't be the reason why they fall our with him which they inevitably will if they fall out with me.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread