to not want my MIL to join us on holiday

[sunseasandfun]

i think I know I'm being a bit of a selfish bitch but here goes...
so we have a family holiday booked for myself my DH and our DC, it's our first holiday in almost 3 years, we are not well off and have saved for this week long holiday in the sun.
My in laws on the other hand, well off go abroad 2 or 3 times a year, not very old,
have lots of family around them.
So we told my MIL that we are going away and she has decided that she may want to come with us although she will be staying with a relative who lives in a small village near to our destination,so not joining us at the hotel, the problem is that she's already tried to get us to change our plans so that nearly everyday that we are away we will be joining her and the relative instead.
All myself and my DC want to do is go to he beach everyday and play and relax and go to waterparks etc..
My inlaws are very controlling people and I know she will be ringing everyday to ask us to come to where she is staying. She doesn't like to eat out, doesn't see the point in sitting on a beach, she hates when I wear clothes that show any skin (terrified of damage to skin from sun and also thinks I dress inappropriatly) so I'll have to cover up in the heat to make her shut up.
Am I being a bitch for wanting my DH to politely tell her not to come?
I just want it to be me and family doing what we want eating what we want and wearing what we want.
we've been on holiday with her before and I couldn't even decide what time to wake up! she had to tell us what was too late or too early!
I just don't want her there but how would I tell her this?

Do your parents know how she behaves towards you? I would find it really hard as a parent to a grown up child not to be absolutely incensed on your behalf. What do they say about it?

Does your DH have siblings? Are they treated the same, and do they say anything about it?

I think you are doing your DC a massive disservice, both generally in the way you are exposing them to her toxic and domineering behaviour, but also specifically that they willl be up at 4.30 in the morning and you are expecting them to stop off at some old relative for lunch instead of getting them to the hotel, unpacked and into the pool. Surely you could arrange with relative (directly, not via MIL) to visit another day if DH really wants to.

Having a similar person in my life my only advice to you is to plant your feet and take a stand. Now. Or this bullshit will continue to become part of your life, and continue to effect your life - Don't have it!
You will get tantrums, and bad press ( although, everyone will know what she is like and will probably feel for you tbh) but eventually you should get some respect.

CHIEF SUSPECT. Exactly, those poor children...! SUNSEA, try to put yourselves in you childrens' shoes... they will be SO excited to get to their long-awaited holiday, they will be tired, hungry, and desperate to get there. But no. To appease that bully of a MIL, you are going to drag them into some old (sorry, assuming, but probably boring) persons home, who they have never met, and forced to have lunch there, and behave. I am SO disappointed that you caved in on that, it is like she is STILL controlling your holiday! Take control! instead of the dreaded and unnecessary stop off, contact the relative and explain how exhausted but also over-excited the children will naturally be, and INVITE THE RELATIVE over to the hotel for lunch a few days in, so that the children can still enjoy the pool, the sunshine etc. Imagine if the relative does come over, and enjoys it, and you enjoy each others' company! What a lovely home-coming tale for your MIL to have to endure! MIL is being VERY cruel by proxy, to your poor children - has she absolutely no feelings for them? GOOD LUCK !

So what if she has a face on? She doesn't like it, then tough. Stop pandering to how you think she will react. Let her strop. That's her issue, not yours.

As a child I was threated when I pulled a face the wind would change and my face would stay like that. Is that what happened to your MIL?

This is the face I’m picturing...

Quite a lot of the time, setting a boundary verbally is the easy bit. Riding out the emotional fallout is the hard bit. You have to do it, though - think of yourself mentally standing under and shower and letting the water wash away any guilt you feel for her reaction, because it's HER bad not yours. Showing someone that no amount of sulking is going to change things is important.

I agree that you shouldn't stop off for lunch with the relative on the way there, just go straight to the hotel. You can invite her to have a meal with you at the hotel during the holiday on a day to suit. It would be much more relaxing than going to her house, where you'll be worrying about your children's behaviour.

Regarding what to give her, Brits living overseas often miss specifically British things like marmite or tea bags. I have friends living overseas and that's what they like people to bring.

That's how I would handle it FWIW.

I agree with the poster above, don't stop for lunch with the relative when you get off the flight, you'll want to check in and relax. Arrange to meet the relative another day, maybe invite them over to you or meet somewhere you're planning to visit.

No problem at all wanting to see the relative, but do it on your terms at a time convenient to you. Instead, your MIL is dictating what you're doing, she hasn't even asked. Get DH to contact the relative and rearrange.

Just stop sailing this ship:

'you need to stop off at the relatives' - lol, we will be going straight to the hotel as the kids want to get onto the beach MIL - you are daft.

'you need to buy the relative a gift' - lol, we won't have enough luggage space MIL you are daft.

This situation would be driving me bonkers and you seem to be handling it as well as you can with no real back-up from DH.

You mentioned earlier in the thread that your MIL is from a different culture. Do you think the way she behaves is just her difficult personality or is there a cultural reason for it? I have North African ILs and some of the things you describe are very similar to what I have experienced. For example, on the night before DH, I and young DCs needed to get up at 5am for a very long journey, there was a family meal to say goodbye to us all. This started at about 9am and would mean getting to bed around midnight. In my opinion it was ridiculous but seemed completely normal to everyone else including DH. On DCs' birthdays we receive phonecalls at around 10pm and ILs are surprised that they can't talk to their DGCs who are tucked up in bed. If we go on any trip in DH's home country MIL will usually announce that she is coming with us or that we need to drop in at a relation's house. I get the impression it is to put on a display of happy families and I often feel like a bit of a puppet in her big show of family unity.

It may not be the case in your situation but if so, I really sympathise as it is quite hard to deal with such different attitudes. It would also explain why your DH doesn't seem to be able to do anything about it - maybe it is was he is used to.

Haha dingdong that's not far off

frozenmash that's just it, part of it is culture so I'm always seen as the weird ungrateful uncompromising one as everybody else is used to it and doesn't see the issue.
But even bring from the culture she's from shes much more domineering and overbearing than anyone I know

They have decided to come see us this evening instead anyway and so my kids will be put to bed on time the night before we leave. There was a lot of grumbling on thier side and they couldn't understand what the issue is about the kids being in bed on time.
I don't mind stopping off to see the relative, I've never met her so it'll be nice meet her and she knows we are only stopping for a shirt while. We will have been driving in that direction anyway so it's not a huge deal.

I thought it might be cultural. I don't think you are going to change her much - in my experience the matriarch is usually the bossiest. It sounds as if you are doing very well in organising things for your holiday though despite her intentions!!

Update on her visit( last ditch attempt to hijack your holiday)!!

They know fine well what the issue is. They just don't give a shit because it doesn't meet their wants (over your DCs' needs).

When do you go on holiday? I hope you have a lovely time

So they did cpme to see us and the DC were awake. But there was a lot of grumbling and whinging on their side, I ignored it. i have noticed that sometimes they act jealous when we go somewhere or buy something even though they are loaded and have a very full lucky life so I don't know what they have to be jealous about.
Another thing that's been bugging me recently is that I notice how sweet and kind DH is to his mum and sisters, I find myself longing for him to treat me as nicely as he does them. He's not a bad person but the way he talks to me sometimes is awful.
I have no idea why I wrote that,it's a bit off tangent but it just really bothered me when i saw it this time.

Sounds like he is still trying to gain their approval whilst he knows you put up with him regardless.. But you should call him out on his disrespect to you.
Happy Holidays!!

Hmmm I think it shows that he prioritises them over you always, they are the women in his life not you