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AIBU?

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Original poster

to not want my MIL to join us on holiday

460 replies

sunseasandfun · 20/04/2018 22:57

i think I know I'm being a bit of a selfish bitch but here goes...
so we have a family holiday booked for myself my DH and our DC, it's our first holiday in almost 3 years, we are not well off and have saved for this week long holiday in the sun.
My in laws on the other hand, well off go abroad 2 or 3 times a year, not very old,
have lots of family around them.
So we told my MIL that we are going away and she has decided that she may want to come with us although she will be staying with a relative who lives in a small village near to our destination,so not joining us at the hotel, the problem is that she's already tried to get us to change our plans so that nearly everyday that we are away we will be joining her and the relative instead.
All myself and my DC want to do is go to he beach everyday and play and relax and go to waterparks etc..
My inlaws are very controlling people and I know she will be ringing everyday to ask us to come to where she is staying. She doesn't like to eat out, doesn't see the point in sitting on a beach, she hates when I wear clothes that show any skin (terrified of damage to skin from sun and also thinks I dress inappropriatly) so I'll have to cover up in the heat to make her shut up.
Am I being a bitch for wanting my DH to politely tell her not to come?
I just want it to be me and family doing what we want eating what we want and wearing what we want.
we've been on holiday with her before and I couldn't even decide what time to wake up! she had to tell us what was too late or too early!
I just don't want her there but how would I tell her this?

OP posts:
Huskylover1 · 29/04/2018 14:45

Next time, don't book a holiday anywhere near any of his extended family!!

Original poster
sunseasandfun · 29/04/2018 14:48

And DH won't be home until 8.30 so if they come when he's home then he can entertain them, he knows I will be putting the DC to sleep at a certain time and then going to sleep myself quite early too.

DH will be getting the gift, I have enough to do in the days before we leave.

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 29/04/2018 14:51

If he's getting the gift you need not worry about MIL reaction.

Just smile.

Whocansay · 29/04/2018 14:51

Stop giving her information. Then she can't use it against you.

This is a ridiculous situation. I don't understand why you are letting this woman bully you. You seem to think this is easier because of potential fallout. But this is currently effecting your marriage. Some things are worth a bit of fallout.

MarvelleGazelle · 29/04/2018 14:53

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MarvelleGazelle · 29/04/2018 14:54

This reply has been deleted

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MarvelleGazelle · 29/04/2018 14:56

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BewareOfDragons · 29/04/2018 14:59

Tell her is she really wants to see them the day before you go, she has to come before a certain time, end of.

She is ridiculous. You know she's ridiculous. Your DH will get over it; he won't even be there most likely.

And I would skip the relative's lunch; you'll be doing last minute things to go n your holiday (that MIL sounds bound and determined to fuck up).

Original poster
sunseasandfun · 29/04/2018 15:38

like I said if she comes when they're in bed already then there's no way I'm waking them upHmm. She will whinge but she will get to see me Grin and DH if she comes before 10.

OP posts:
MarvelleGazelle · 29/04/2018 15:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChiefSuspect · 29/04/2018 15:43

I think you need to swear DH to secrecy not to tell MIL what he has got for a gift. Or you can both refer to the other which will drive her mad. It is absolutely none of her business what type of gift you bring.

She is controlling and a complete bully. I think you could both do with some sort of counselling to try to help you deal with her. Otherwise as pp said, it will never change.

happypoobum · 29/04/2018 15:52

I agree this woman is a dreadful bully and maybe you need some counselling to help you establish better boundaries and not care so much what she thinks/says/does. It's like you think if MIL gets upset the sky will fall in!!! What is your own family like? Were you allowed boundaries as a child?

I imagine she will roll up whenever she likes, and DH will allow her in to DC bedrooms so she can "see them" and she will wake them up. Or she will accidentally be very loud and wake them. She WILL have her way.

I don't think it's setting a very good example to DC that they see you being pushed around like this. Your DH needs to be more worried about upsetting you than he is about upsetting his mummy. Deeply unattractive trait in men.

Original poster
sunseasandfun · 29/04/2018 16:19

No she wouldn't wake them, she will just have a face on and declare that I knew she was coming and so they should've been awake.

I come from a family that wasn't strict but at the same time it wasn't like I could whatever I wanted. i made my own decisions with what to wear etc.. my parents were never that controlling, I can talk to them about almost anything. if it was my Dp who I had told not to come over at a certain time then they would've fully understood, whereas MIL gets insulted and acts like I've slapped her in the face.

OP posts:
TomRavenscroft · 29/04/2018 16:36

Then make sure you're already in bed when she comes, so you don't have to put up with her face or her complaints. Let her complain to her darling boy (I bet she won't).

happypoobum · 29/04/2018 16:41

whereas MIL gets insulted and acts like I've slapped her in the face.

So what?

It sounds like you are applying the same logic to MIL as you would to your own seemingly "normal" parents. It's not the same.

If your parents were upset it would be because they deserved to be or there was a dreadful misunderstanding. When MIL is upset it is because you haven't allowed her to bully/control you. She doesn't deserve the same consideration OP.

Sweetpea55 · 29/04/2018 16:51

Well I do declare OP that you enjoy playinig the martyr. And DH seems to relish his role too.
Stop being cowards a d stand up to her... Unless you enjoy being bullied........

Arcticwonder · 29/04/2018 17:26

“No she wouldn't wake them, she will just have a face on and declare that I knew she was coming and so they should've been awake.”
OP, so what! Why do you and your DH worry every time she ‘has a face on’ ? Do you know why she does this - because it gets the reaction she wants - you both need to stop giving the reaction she wants.
Every time she ‘has a face on’ laugh at her, say ‘are you kidding’ ‘ are you having a laugh’ ‘ treat her tantrums as deserved: laugh at her and let her know it WONT get her what she wants / demands.
At the moment she gets exactly what she wants by tantrumming .... and you both enable that. Why would she stop?

BamBamIsALittleShit · 29/04/2018 17:38

Bloody hell don't stop off at the relatives! She's controlling your holiday without even being there! Tell her to stick it all up her arse.

Learn to say no. Any fallout will be minimal and she needs to learn a few lessons tbh.

MumW · 29/04/2018 17:49

she will just have a face on and declare that I knew she was coming and so they should've been awake.
To which you reply "And YOU knew that if YOU turned up after x o'clock, they would already be in bed."

dingdongdigeridoo · 29/04/2018 17:55

If she were a toddler and pulled a face when she didn’t get her way, would you cave? If she’s going to be like a child, then treat her like one and stand firm.

Do you really care if she thinks you’re difficult? Be a difficult woman! Don’t let her ruin your holiday.

lou1221 · 29/04/2018 18:06

You need to keep your own counsel, don't be free with information. These types of people thrive on wearing you down, criticising you and domineering you.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 29/04/2018 18:54

I get that you don't want to be the "break-upper" of the family, I do.
But it's not you that would be.
It's her.
You need to be the person you are happy being - strong, independent and doing what is right for YOUR little family.
Your DH needs to sort his head out so he can support you in that.
Your MIL needs to learn that you are not going to be bullied into doing whatever she demands because of the potential fallout.

And in all honesty, why would you even want this sort of behaviour being modelled around your DC? It's not a very good lesson for them, is it - "throw a tantrum and Mum will give in to keep the peace".

CowesTwo · 29/04/2018 19:24

Ok, have read the full thread. It's one thing that your husband has difficulties standing up to his mother, it's his mother after all, but I could not let her interfere and bully me the way you seem to let her do to you. So she gets annoyed, pulls faces, etc etc - so what????? For goodness sake, this is your one life, and you are letting this woman spoil certain aspects of it. You keep saying it's difficult etc, but if you don't put your foot down NOW, then really, you might as well roll over and let her dictate the rest of your life.

MarvelleGazelle · 29/04/2018 20:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JennyWoodentop · 29/04/2018 21:14

The relative thing is easy - contact them yourselves & make your own arrangements. If you want to visit arrange a time that suits you all. If you don't want to visit then just apologise & say MIL spoke out of turn & you are not available - if they are people you barely know & rarely see they are unlikely to be offended & if they are, it's down to MIL not you. Take a gift, don't take a gift, whatever you would usually do. MIL does not need to see it or know what it is, if she goes on about it just say you'll sort something out & change the subject.

Don't give her information & then she can't step in to take control or change your plans. If she doesn't know what the gift is she can't criticise it or try to get you to change it.

If she comes round late don't answer the door, or if you do, don't let her in. Tell her when she can come & be clear there are no alternatives on offer.

Stop worrying about her reactions - "MIL gets insulted and acts like I've slapped her in the face" - as others have said, she does this in order to get her own way & she will keep doing it if it keeps working for her.

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