Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Childless women - who will look after you in old age?

357 replies

boatyface2 · 20/04/2018 16:06

If you are childless (by choice or not) or even if you have children, what's your view on this?

I've seen several threads from mums hating it and saying they wish they didn't have kids. Surely it's all good when you're young but who will look after you when you're old?

I wonder if that is why mums complain how much they hate it, yet go on to have a second and third child? And if old age wasn't a concern, why did you have children if you don't enjoy it?

OP posts:
ShamelesslyPlacemarking · 21/04/2018 20:20

Surprised at how infirm people expect the elderly to be!

Most old people I've known have seen out their days in their own home without the need for care beyond a partner, or in their own unit at a retirement village (usually once their partner has passed away). A few have developed serious conditions such as dementia or cancer, but all of them have ended up going into professional care homes, not being looked after round-the-clock by their children.

I'm working on the assumption that I will be able to look after myself until I cark it, or that I will be able to pay for my own care. Having children was not a back-up aged care plan.

liverbird10 · 21/04/2018 20:36

I utterly despise this question.

Imagine being such a self-centred creature that your reason for having kids - individuals who grow up to have their own lives, oddly enough - to "look after you when you are old". How unbelievably selfish.

Seriously gives me The Rage.

Willow2017 · 21/04/2018 21:36

Dairy
I find it bizarre when children who having loving relationships with their parents don't look after them. They pro ably don't love them as much as they a y thing ry do. But having children isn't a harun tee of a loving relationship. A lit of parents end up bring a burden on the state just the same as childless people.

Dont talk rubbish.

Sometimes it just isnt possible to look after a relative at home for a million reasons.
A friend of mine had to admit defeat and have his wife move into a care home at 50 as she had severe early onset dementia. It wasnt because he didnt love her it was because he still had to work and couldnt leave her alone as she did all sorts of dangerous things.

Dont be so bloody scathing about other peoples lives unless you have had to live it with them.

My dad chose to go into a residential home as he couldnt cope alone any more and I couldnt be there 24/7, you know I had work and kids of my own to deal with as well as his needs.

You have no right to judge anyone, get over yourself.

dw4518 · 21/04/2018 22:00

I've had a busy day so only just managed to read back here, but I've read every single post and thankful for all the replies, there's lots of practical advice in here.

I should have explained my first post better but had thought it better to keep it short. Someone mentioned the phrase "fighting your corner" and that's what I mean. I'm not referring to wiping arses etc.

I made the thread to get practical advice on my childless future (as I don't agree with having children just for old age care), but apologies it's a depressing subject and some of you find it upsetting.

As for Dignitas, I think it's one thing to plan to go there but don't think most people realise how scary it will be. Taking yourself to go get killed.

@EnidButton, thanks for your advice. You are right I think we will be ok. Hopefully in the future we'll have more elderly care services and communities where people without adult children can help each other.

dw4518 · 21/04/2018 22:07

I think this should be a business opportunity in old age care. More and more women are choosing not to have children, so there could be lots of us in the future. There should be a service you can pay for that does what a devoted adult child might do, making sure you're not getting ripped off, keeping you up to date with technology, choosing a care home, checking the care home etc.
I would gladly pay for that!

Original poster
boatyface2 · 21/04/2018 22:11

Above two posts are from me, I have accidentally posted from another account. Sorry for confusion, it's because I made the thread at work where I'm logged in from a different account then posted from home just now!

OP posts:
allthegoodusernameshavegone · 21/04/2018 23:14

There are no guarantees in life,your children will live for their children and put them first, the uk is full of lonely elderly parents.

Imnoth3r3 · 21/04/2018 23:34

I always wonder about comments/questions like this. Having children does not guarantee they'll look after you in old age...

YoloSwaggins · 21/04/2018 23:52

Also, I fully plan to retire in one of those retirement complexes that's like the OAP version of student halls - getting pissed on brandy all the time, playing lawn bowls and Bridge, doing loads of magic mushrooms with Brenda and Doris from next door.

Duck90 · 22/04/2018 00:02

OP even though you don’t have children yet, this is still a cruel post for many people on this forum.

However the responses have been quite useful and measured. Thanks everyone else. Xx

Octave777 · 22/04/2018 00:05

Imagine being such a self-centred creature that your reason for having kids - individuals who grow up to have their own lives, oddly enough - to "look after you when you are old". How unbelievably selfish.

I don't think it's selfish to want to be looked after. Not in practical terms but why wouldn't you want your children to visit you now and again. It's things like an invite at xmas or a chat in the old people's home.

Either the parents are selfish or you could say the kids are. No wonder the elderly are lonely if it's such an awful thing.

I'm sure op many ppl have kids for the future and having a family rather than to just look after kids in itself.

I haven't got kids and am fully aware of loneliness already and how vulnerable old people are in hospital ect without a loved one to check them.

I'm sure many people have kids to have grown ups aswell and the support it can provide.

Octave777 · 22/04/2018 00:08

Meant to quote first paragraph

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 22/04/2018 12:46

I would imagine that most people think about them caring for their potential child , rather than the other way round. For me that's certainly how it was, I never considered them becoming my carers.
There will probably be a time when one of my adult children lives with me (farming family, so if one of them wants to carry on, that's what will happen, otherwise it will just be sold). That doesn't mean they will be my carers, if I need care I will move into either sheltered accommodation or a care home.

MasonJar · 22/04/2018 13:16
thehairyhog · 22/04/2018 19:36

‘If my kids are looking after me when I'm old, I will see it as a failure on my part
A failure to make adequate provision for my own care, and a failure as a parent that they aren't busy with great jobs and fun lives’

Completely agree. I hope to still have a wonderful relationship and connection with dc (and if I’m lucky enough dgc) but it doesn’t necessitate them being responsible for my care, or even on hand, day to day.

MyotherUsernameisaPun · 26/04/2018 06:58

Wanting someone to look after you in old age is a terrible reason to have children.

Children are also no guarantee you will be looked after. Your adult kids will have their own jobs and responsibilities, and possibly children of their own. Who's to say they will be able to accomodate looking after you? Most don't. Most people in care homes for the elderly have children.

Also, not having children doesn't mean you will die friendless and alone. My great aunt never married or had children and is now very elderly. She lives alone and has carers visit daily to provide her with care. She also has daily visitors from a large pool of her loved ones - my grandpa (her brother in law), her nieces and grand-nieces and grand-nephews, and her friends from the church. Between the government and the other people in her life she is very well provided for.

chestylarue52 · 26/04/2018 11:17

I’ve got absolutely shitloads of money, from never having kids to spend it all in, so I’ll probably be fine, if I ever get to old age.

ohfortuna · 26/04/2018 11:29

children will live for their children and put them first
You can't pay it forward and pay it back, or there's nothing left for you

Furano · 26/04/2018 12:11

I really pity the children who were born to people so they would have someone to look after them in their old age.

Your children might move abroad. They might hate you. They might be useless. They might even die before you.

I guess you could have like 5 children and hope that at least 2 of them will turn out nice people who live near you?

It is probably best for everyone (childless or not) to save save save for their retirement/care and make sensible decision regarding their care early before you loose capacity. Also make your intentions know 'a living will'.

Personally i'm going to ensure i'm not around to loose capacity and sit like a plant in a nursing home.

ginghamstarfish · 26/04/2018 12:26

Thanks OP, very cheery. I really don't think that the fact of producing children is any guarantee that they will look after you in your old age ....

IrianOfW · 26/04/2018 12:31

Ha ha ha!!! I have brought two utterly charming, loving but slightly feckless young men into the world. If I want to be looked after by them I will have to be prepared to live in a tent and eat beans on toast (served lovingly and with charm). I have also got a DD who is not in the slightest bit feckless (but still loving) and who will probably be on the other side of the world by the time we need 'looking after'.

All I hope is the still like me enough to ring or visit once in a while.

Original poster
boatyface2 · 26/04/2018 13:12

This thread has been really useful.

I wasn't planning on having children just to look after me in old age, but there's always that thought in the back of my mind wondering if I'm making a mistake not having kids/possible regret in old age etc

I'm now even more convinced I don't want children, seeing as most of you parents with kids don't think they're much use for old age care (not that they should be)

OP posts:
Onlyoldontheoutside · 26/04/2018 15:35

The main problem is that as people now have to work until they're 67 they can't give enough care when it is needed.For example my mum is 80 this year and I am 58so unless she can manage not to become frail until she's 90 were a bit stuçk.She was 22when she had me,those who's parents had them older than that will all be working as their parents need help.

SerenDippitty · 27/04/2018 08:25

Given that people are having children later those children may be younger when their parents start to nèed care. My mum was 38 when she had me which was late in the early 60s I was in my late 40s when she started to need care. She died last year in her early 90s.