Childless women - who will look after you in old age?

[boatyface2]

If you are childless (by choice or not) or even if you have children, what's your view on this?

I've seen several threads from mums hating it and saying they wish they didn't have kids. Surely it's all good when you're young but who will look after you when you're old?

I wonder if that is why mums complain how much they hate it, yet go on to have a second and third child? And if old age wasn't a concern, why did you have children if you don't enjoy it?

@boaty

It is worth having a will, and thinking about whom would be the best people (whether you have children or not) to take decisions on your behalf via the two Powers of Attorney (health and financial). With children/remaining spouse it's often good to have a third non-interested party. And it's also worth doing an End of Life directive which you need to get signed off by a doctor (eg do not resuscitate, do give fluids).

The problem with Dignitas is that you have to go to the clinic before you might choose to, because you have to be able to travel and be of sound mind. My MIL wanted to do this, but until the last year life was bearable and she loved seeing family ... when it became horrendously painful it was too late for her to travel. It is also expensive and takes 6 months or so to clear the paperwork. It would be much better if we had assisted suicide in this country.

I know plenty of people who have looked after ageing Ps - the vast majority working women supplementing 3xdaily 15-minute visits by harrassed council carers. Not easy as PPs have said when someone is demented and doubly incontinent, impossible when it is someone who needs physically lifting and turning (and hoists need two people) several times a day.

And for those thinking of home care - MIL had carers who worked 8-6 and slept in (fortnight on). It meant she had to go to bed at 6. It also cost nearly £1000 pw, more if she woke them during the night. All the family visited some daily, some staying - but none could have given her appropriate physical care (apart from toiletting which we did to give the carers more than their 2 hour daily break) - she just wanted us to sit, chat, have us organise/take her to appointments, out to lunch when she was rarely able, sort letters/emails/banking out etc.

I didn't have my kids to look after me when I'm old.
Not only that, for all I know, they may emigrate by the time I'm old and crippled.

I'll still try and look after myself. Or put myself in a home.
My only wish for my children is happiness. An I wouldn't want to be a burden to them in old age.

This is very outing, but when a year 11 girl discovered I was childless (at 35!) she looked at me with great concern and asked, "but who will bring you water when you are old?"

It's become something of a joke within my circle 😂

It is all very well to think that people might want their children to look after them in their old age, but huge numbers of people don't actually live anywhere near their parents. Mine are only a few miles up the road and we can be there in 15 minutes (and we are currently visiting 3 or 4 times a week & driving to all the doctors/hospital appointments etc), but the next nearest relatives are 200 miles away, and the others 3,000 miles away and on another continent.

You can't exactly pop in every couple of days to do a bit of shopping or take someone to the doctor's if you live that far away can you?

I would look after both my parents as much as I possibly could when the time comes, but I don’t think I expect it from my kids (nor can I envisage it when one is 3 and the other in utero!) and I know my parents are very unwilling to foist any responsibility on me at all still. They are just in their 60’s and not in any way needing assistance yet, but always talk about how they’d hate to be a burden and talk about selling the house to leave me money etc when I’ve always felt I don’t want or expect an inheritance from them. I’d care for them because I love them and they’ve cared for me my whole life, even now as a 35 year old they are such rocks and I love spending time with them. But it isn’t a given and I worry that living fairly far away from them and maybe when the time comes being stuck unable to support them as much as I wish because of distance and the children.

Anyway, childless people have support networks too. And partners. Also beyond a certain stage a lot of people have to go into homes regardless of their children because their care needs are unable to be met at home.

For example, if you're too scared to go to the hospital alone, who will go with you?

So what do you propose then? Unless you can magically fix my infertility then I can't just magic up some kids to hold my hand.

Do you have any idea how hurtful this thread is?

I desperately wanted children. The fact I can't have them breaks my heart. I feel a huge sense of loss for the family I won't ever have.

Now this thread is just a painful reminder of everything that comes with involuntary childlessness.

Hey, so you can't have children well guess what not only have you missed out on the family you longed for but you're also going to die alone!

NOt read the whole thread, but as a dr who has worked in the U.K. in elderly care, it is fairly unusual for anyone’s children to care for them. Yes - visit in hospital, pop in with shopping, take on trips, but full on care with personal tasks and manual handling, living with etc - quite unusual. And those who do find it a lot of stress. This care isn’t just provided by children, but younger siblings, Cousins etc. Also, plenty of people have kids, become estranged, the children have their own needs....etc etc.

Kids grow up, become less dependent over a clear amount of time. Elderly relatives are adult sized, becoming more dependent and can live this way for a long time. It’s a lot to put on your adult children, when they are likely to be approaching their fifties themselves. I would never plan to put this burden on my children. I want them to be living their own life.

PathologyGeek absolutely.

I am a carer for my elderly (84) year old mother. She lives with me and has done for several years.

It is not easy- especially at a time in my life when I also have kids in late teens/ starting University, who also still need support.

I would not advise my children to do as I am doing for me!

There is absolutely no way in hell I am ever expecting my children to do more than visit in my old age. I will pay people to look after me. And there is no way in hell I'm looking after my own mother, though she'll expect me to (but never my brothers!). I think it's enormously selfish to expect children to look after you, and it almost always women who are expected to do it

araiwa

"Hey childless women

Youre gonna die alone, sad and lonely.

Cheers

OP"

😂

From the age of 12 til I was 34 I had absolutely no intention of ever having kids, I never once worried about who would take care of me when I was old. It wasn't the reason I changed my mind either, what a sad and pathetic reason to have kids that would be.

Also having kids isn't a guarantee anyone will be there for you when you're old.

I wouldn't want my children to care for me in old age!! That's no life for them.

However, I do hope that I will have a good relationship with my children throughout my life and I will enjoy watching them grow up, hearing about their adventures and perhaps see them have their own children.

That is the only reason I ever vaguely thought about having children

And precisely the reason I have made sure I never have them

@Inthedeepdarkwinter. I don’t think I’d ever expect anyone (unpaid) to do daily care for me. And certainly not for hours each day. That wouldn’t be fair on them, however they were or were not related to me. I know that my mum would utterly hate for me or my sister to be involved in any kind of intimate care for her. So her assets will simply have to be used to pay for any care she needs. (She is very vocal about preferring the dignitas route if she ever needs care of that kind, but that is not as simple as she makes out, and she may well not feel that way if the need arises).

The does need to be a proper social care system in place so that the support network can arrange an assessment and the system can take over from there. That way the support network can get on with visiting etc, but not assuming responsibility for making sure someone is eating etc.

As a society we do need to accept that this needs to be paid for. Care needs are not optional and people deserve to live with as much dignity as they can.

I suggest you google AWOC
Ageing without children (charity) gives lots of interesting perspectives on the subject I’ll try and link

awoc.org/

@JaceLancs Thank you for the link - I'm finding it really interesting.

This is one of the most offensive thread titles I've ever seen

OP
Fuck off

I don’t think that the vitriol and personal attacks directed at the OP are necessary.

Regardless of whether someone has children or not elderly care is something we as a society give far too little thought to, and the state of elderly care in this country is shocking to the point of it being almost inhumane.

I certainly didn’t have children in order that they look after me when I get older, however I would certainly want to think that I will be there for my parents as they age, not so that I can physically care for them but to be there for some of the more practical things which are not generally looked after on a day to day basis in a care home.

People flippently talk about going to Dignitas when they grow older, or dying surrounded by their cats, but these are not serious remarks. The reality is that very few elderly people take their own lives or are even able to afford to. And the majority of the elderly are not able to afford decent care. Does this mean they should move in with their children? No of course it doesn’t, nor does it mean the expectation should be there that they will. However people are quick enough to point out that it’s this generation who are the taxpayers who will be funding the care of the elderly and no-one bats an eyelid at that. Why then is it considered offensive to think that children will at the very least be there for their parents on an emotional level as they grow older?

I didnt have children so that they can look after me when i got old.

in fact that is why my grandmother adopted my mother. It didnt work out,.

To be honest, as long as I'm with DP, I couldn't care where I am. I don't expect DD to look after me when I'm that old; although visits would be nice. If DP dies before me then I'm not too sure to be honest.

To have carers in your old age is NOT a reason to have children!
My parents cared for my dads mum, I cared for my mum, it’s an experience you learn from. My kids would do the same.
That said, they both had lots of dear close friends who also made a big effort when needed.
There are some kids who move away or can’t be arsed, but it’s not their duty ffs!
Also, if you’re not a very pleasant person nobody wants to care for you!

Yes there's Dignitas but resorting to that is somewhat.. sad?

Not as sad to me as having lost my marbles, pissing myself or needing my arse wiped for me. Once I start to go downhill, that's enough for me. I really don't want to go on and on. I'd rather just switch myself off - I just hope I go down physically before mentally so I can take myself off to Switzerland while I'm still of sufficiently sound mind. I remember my grandmother begging us to do her in because she was nearly 90 and she was aware she was going senile and she hated it. I really don't want to be still here at 90!

Haven’t read the whole thread I’m afraid. My mother has 10 children. No one will look after her in old age because she is an evil old bitch. The daughter who took care of her kids when she couldn't be arsed (me) has escaped, and none of the other siblings would do more than lip service.
So, whoever takes care of me if I need it can’t possibly hate me as much ad my mother’s children hate her. Hope that reassures you OP.

OP if your hanging your hopes on any Child you may theoretically have in the future looking after you in your dotage your seriously misguided. What's to say your Child will even grow up to like you, let alone want to take care of you. Whose to say any future child will be capable of looking after you let alone wanting too. Please have children if you want a child for their own sake not as some sort of future support system.

I don’t expect anyone to look after me in old age. I won’t want to be a burden to anyone including all of my 5 (not all bio) kids. I want them to be young, happy and selfish in a sense they aren’t living to look after me. They can pay for the best care home but no kids or no kids it’s Dignitas for me which goes agaianst my beliefs but I have witnessed too many people suffer horrifically. I don’t want that for myself or for my kids to watch it happen graudually: kids no kids you have options.