Childless women - who will look after you in old age?

[boatyface2]

If you are childless (by choice or not) or even if you have children, what's your view on this?

I've seen several threads from mums hating it and saying they wish they didn't have kids. Surely it's all good when you're young but who will look after you when you're old?

I wonder if that is why mums complain how much they hate it, yet go on to have a second and third child? And if old age wasn't a concern, why did you have children if you don't enjoy it?

Your making assumptions that’s it the way this works. It probably did once upon a time but with globalisation most people are lucky to reside in the same country as their parents let alone anywhere nearby. I think being in close proximity to your parents where you are able to help them is now the exception rather than the rule. I have no expectation of my kids looking after me when I am older.

If I'm lucky enough to retire unlikely I'll probably be too busy looking after any grandchildren

Whether I have a kid or not, the same person will take care of me - myself, and if I can't then hopefully the state will organise something. And if climate change nightmares are here and there is no state, then I guess I'll die. But if I'm that frail, I'd be fine with that. Nothing worse than outstaying your welcome here in this life and suffering.

I'm expecting to be found dead at the foot of my stairs some weeks after I die.

Uk culture is very different to many other cultures. From my experience, children here shove you in a home & visit once a month. If you’re lucky.

Those of you who are saying you’d never want your children to look after you - you might find you feel differently when you are actually in need of care and feeling vulnerable and it’s a choice between being looked after by your children or by strangers in a care home. This happened with my mother and my MIL. Just saying. As for me, childless not by choice, my plan is to move into one of those assisted living complexes.

I meant to say to the OP having children as an insurance policy for your old age is a bad idea for so many reasons.

Your kids might need life long care themselves.
They may emigrate.
They may just not give a fuck about you.

My mother spent the last few years in a care home when her dementia made it impossible for us to look after her st home. There were regular meetings for residents’ families but they were incredibly poorly attended - never more than about 4, in a care home with about 30 residents - at least half of whom must have had children.

I guess having kids does not mean they will look after you.

My widowed mother has no family apart from me. And my brother and neither of us have spoken to her in six years. I hear she’s very ill, dying from cancer. I have no idea what will happen when/if she’s unable to live on her own but I won’t be involved.

I genuinely think that care as we become less mentally and physically able is an important topic to think about for everyone, and particularly for those of us without children to assist. There’s been some very useful practical information on this thread.

If its not bad enough dealing with involuntary childlessness, we have to deal with thoughtless questions like this.

So, I expect to be miserable and alone, pressing my nose up at the window of all the happy homes of the lucky elderly people, who managed to have children. Does that make you feel validated?

Gosh - this rather assumes that if you have children they will be able or close enough or not be working full time and can look after you!

This doesn’t seem to happen very often either.

I didn’t have children so they could look after me. I suspect they shall all bugger off to Australia I!

OP, if your assumptions are right, about children "looking after" their mothers in old age, please answer me this one question:
Why is it that soo many elderly people classed as lonely and isolated? Or spending their last few years in a care home when they could be looked after by their sons and daughters??

It may be a cultural thing as some cultures expect children to look after elderly parents.

That’s partly why some cultures favour boys over girls - because a girl will marry out of the family while a boy will bring a wife into the family to look after them when they are old.

@Serendippity - there are only a few India based cultures, where daughters aren’t expected to return home to care for ill parents at least for a little while. Most Middle Eastern and Asian cultures expect daughters to return to care for ageing parents.

Let's hope there is still a public care system for elderly by the time we get old as many on here seem quite happy to be stuck in a care home but with the constant cuts to government funding and the amount of care homes closing are there going to be all these resources for an already increasing aging population?
And as someone else pointed out up thread to have assisted suicide you must be of sound mind but in reality how many of us will have that by the time we get old and take that route?

God I feel sick at the thought of being looked after by my children in my old age. That's the last thing I want for them or myself.

Also sadly many elderly people are financially abused by their adult children.

This is what the OP has said, and as her partner is older than her the assumption (though of course no guarantee at all) is that she will be alone and I think she's got a point:

my parents are in their 60s and I often help them out with things (that they didn't even realise they were doing wrong)... Like if I need a cleaner, I'll pay someone to clean. But what if something needs doing and I'm not realising it? Perhaps I'm worrying too much

My siblings and I have sorted out all sorts of things my elderly mum felt too overwhelmed by and stepped in when I discovered she was getting ripped off, gone for a second medical consult with her when it seemed like she was being fobbed off, sorted out various legal/admin stuff etc. organised builders and electricians to sort out unsafe stuff in the house that she turns a blind eye to etc. etc. and kept in regular contact so would know whether something was amiss. We have never wiped her arse and when the day comes that she needs someone to do that for her she would never want us to be the ones doing it but she will really appreciate our help in organising professional care and being in touch to make sure she's being properly looked after.

As I said, my plan is to make sure I keep up my social contact and ensure - to the best of my abilities - that I'm financially secure for any eventuality, but I don't think the OP does need to "fuck off" or sounds "bonkers" in thinking that having children would have meant that she might have someone there to do keep any eye out for this sort of thing the way that she does with her parents.

But, as we all know, you just don't know what the future hold and having children is certainly no guarantee that they will give a shit about you.

Probably Robo-carer. I’m all for it personally. I’m ordering the Henry Cavill model.

*I knew a woman who had five daughters. As soon as she developed dementia and was unable to live independently, they stuck her in a care home

Maybe they had jobs, children to care for or their own health issues. Not everyone is in a position to provide 24/7 care, even if they wanted to. When DH's Grandmother had dementia we "stuck her in a care home", as you so delightfully put it, because we had no choice. She needed constant supervision and we both work full time. We couldn't afford for us to give up work to take care of her. She also became violent, would shout and swear, theaten to harm herself etc and we couldn't expose our small child to that. The whole situation was awful for DH as she practically raised him and honestly the judgement really doesn't help.*

Absolutely. We my (sibling and I)were in the same position with our mother. Looking after someone with dementia full time is quite incredibly demanding and stressful. We had full time jobs we couldn’t just give up. People who’ve never experienced a relative having dementia have no fucking idea.

Well said Serendippitty!

I was speaking to the carers in mum's care home (where we also dumped her...) I asked them how they cope with their jobs sometimes. One of them said 'I nip outside for a quick scream...'

Says it all. They're on shifts. Tough job but they're not on duty 24/7. If a person with dementia lives at your home you are on duty 24/7. If it's enough to make a trained carer scream sometimes, just imagine what it feels like for an untrained person in their own home, with a job to do and often a family to also support.

Don't judge people until you've walked in their shoes.

On a more cheerful note I plan to be like an elderly neighbour of mine who died two years ago. She was 103 years old (she had been in care for a couple of years as she really was losing any ability to look after herself by then).

But, she carried on driving until she was 89 years old (she'd learned to fix cars during the war), she went to the gym until she was 91 (used the treadmill) and went swimming every week until a similar age. Her eyesight then started to diminish and she kept bumping into people or equipment so gave both gym and swimming up. She used to use a rowing machine at home until she got stuck on it one day (luckily when her daughter was visiting) when she was 95! She thought it was probably best not to use it when she was alone from then on.

I used to see her once a week and we'd have a glass of wine. She would have a glass of wine each day with lunch and another with dinner and had done for years.

I say lunch and dinner, but she only ate sandwiches. Had done since her early 80's. Couldn't see the point of cooking and had never really been bothered about hot food even when she had kids at home. So she had sandwiches and fruit (and chocolate biscuits!) every day.

GP said she had the blood pressure of a 50 year old and low cholesterol so she must have been doing something right.

She was widowed in the war and brought up her kids alone so didn't have an easy life. Had an opinion on everything and thought you were a twit if you disagreed with her! Cantankerous and marvellous in equal doses. I'm going out of this world like that.

I am one of six dc, my youngest sister has moved in to look after our Mother as she needs 24 hour care. This was three years ago and she was a little bit mobile still and wasn't quite so frail. Cynically some of us did think she was after a place to live or more of the inheritance, realistically it is breaking my sister. I'm not interested in the petty gossiping of the others about this but it has set me apart. My Mother is now at a stage where she is having carers and nurses visit four times a day and is 100% in bed.

My Mother always said she couldn't stand the thought of going in to a home. She is an incredibly difficult and manipulative woman and that is being exceptionally generous. Since moving in my sister has become depressed and is now on medication and has zero life. It's weird as little sis was totally the golden child and mother never hid even for a moment that this child was the only one she truly loved. But after a lifetime of inter sibling rivalry which my Mother fuelled and encouraged all I see is golden child little sis paying the price and I feel really sorry for her.

I don’t have children and, at 45, I’ve accepted that it isn’t going to happen. I do worry about this a little. Both of my parents have passed away from cancer in the last 3 years and I looked after them right up until the end. While it isn’t the job of a child to look after their parents, I am glad I was able to do it for mine and It does cross my mind that if that happened to me, there would be noone to look after me. After seeing some of the care my parents received from other agencies, unless I was there to intervene, things would have been worse for them. I won’t have anyone to do that for me.