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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my 7 year old to move to another country with his dad

165 replies

Digestivescusturds · 20/04/2018 10:24

My ex husband has always been a bit adventurous...and a bit mental if you ask me. In August he plans to move to Spain, not permanently, just for a year. He told me and DC a few months ago. DS1 is very upset about the thought of not seeing his dad for a year and wants to go with him. There’s no way that’s happening but ex said a few weeks ago maybe he could. A few days he told me this could happen if DS really wanted to and I said yes. There’s plenty of schools in the area apparently. He’s a great dad, since we broke up last year he’s had them at weekends, comes to see them most days really. Of course he would be perfectly capable of looking after his son. But he’s only 7, I don’t like the thought of him being so far away from home, I don’t like the thought of being away from him for so long. Going to a school where they speak a different language, it would be harder for him to learn or make friends. I’ve told both of them there’s no way this is happening, I just want other people’s opinion on whether I’m doing the right thing

OP posts:
dany174 · 20/04/2018 17:35

@bridgetoc we don't know why the father is going to Spain. Bit unfair to say its selfish reasons if we don't know why.

I know plenty of great parents who had to leave there children with the other half for good reason. My father and mother lived in different country for more then eight months. My husbands father had to live in another country for a year. Both where for work and both are great fathers.

My friend has recently moved back here from South America, his wife and three children are still there. He wants to make sure he can make a stable living here before uprooting them all. He is a great father, talks to his kids every night, helps them with their homework, talks to them about there problems.

It's unfair to say the guy is a bad father when all we know is that he has decided to move countries for a year.

bridgetoc · 20/04/2018 17:43

dany174

Sorry but I don't agree......... I would never leave my children for any reason, work or otherwise. My DH is the same. We love being with them, and that's why we had them. We didn't have them to fly off to another country and leave them behind.

Now I'm not saying your parents were awful, but they did something we could never do.........

Original poster
Digestivescusturds · 20/04/2018 17:49

The reason my ex hasn’t considered taking our youngest is because I don’t think he could cope with more than a few hours without me...he follows me every time i go to the toilet. Honestly i think it’s irresponsible to leave when he’s got children here but I can’t stop him. I think it would be good for DS to experience a different culture and learn a new language. This would have been a dream come true for me as a child, I didn’t leave the country until I was 25. I’m considering him maybe going in the holidays

OP posts:
Original poster
Digestivescusturds · 20/04/2018 17:52

The reason he’s going to Spain is because he always said he wanted to go somewhere new for a bit but not forever. He works from home, on his laptop, so I guess this is the “perfect time” to go

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 20/04/2018 17:56

Not forced at all - never have I said, nor do I believe, that OP should be forced! If she isn't happy with it, then that's the bottom line, but she asked if she was making the wrong choice and my view is simply to consider it seriously, take the emotional reaction out and assess it, then put the emotion back in. If it's too much, then it's too much!

And yes Grin only on MN would anyone suggest you should go too or just nip over to Spain once a month to visit!

I think DS going over in the holidays would be a fantastic compromise if you don't feel comfortable with him going for the full time. No language benefit really but then as others have said, a year might not realistically be enough for this anyway. He would get to experience the culture and maybe pick up a couple of phrases if he went for holidays.

TheCraicDealer · 20/04/2018 17:58

He might be a perfectly nice chap, but he decided to go to Spain on an "adventure". Which I don't judge him for so long as he keeps paying for his kids and maintains contact. However according to the OP's post the notion that he should take any one of his children only occurred to him when a seven year old suggested it. It just all sounds a bit ad hoc and midlife-crisisy, not like a planned exchange trip or temporarily living with another parent who's settled in another country whilst the other goes to university in a different continent.

I'd also feel very sad for the eleven year old who's being left behind. This man has been a big part of her life since she was small (2 or 3 at least) and he's just skipping off to Spain for a change of scene, offering to take her little brother and leave her. Even if she's not dying about going to Spain in principle that's got to sting a bit.

Shelby2010 · 20/04/2018 20:41

He’a not a good Dad. He doesn’t need to go to Spain & leave his sons for a year, it’s a selfish choice because he feels like it.

And he hasn’t bothered thinking about the logistics & welfare of his older son going with him BECAUSE HE KNOWS IT WONT HAPPEN. But this way it’s the OP who is unreasonable in DS1’s eyes & not the father who is abandoning him for a year with no thought that his children will miss him, or the extra work & responsibility that it puts on the OP.

kikibo · 20/04/2018 20:51

Wow, quit all the hate. If the OP trusts her ex then who are a bunch of people on the internet to say the man will basically kidnap his son?
If he works on his laptop then he just plonks it down on the table and away he goes. Far more secure than a new job IMO.
It's his life and life is too short to hold back 'because you've got kids here'.

That said, I wouldn't let him go purely because as a pp has said, he'd just basically miss schooling until he understood what's going on and a year isn't very long at all, so there's no time to catch up. Can be very confusing. I had a classmate who came back from Africa with her family and she had learnt to read in English in her 1st year primary, then went to her 2nd year in primary in Dutch (her mother tongue) back home. So knowledge of the language wasn't actually an issue, despite being a bright girl, she struggled with spelling and reading for months and needed some tutoring. I wouldn't be prepared to potentially have that twice.

That said, though , I would use the holidays to let him go. He can only bond with his father and learn a new language. That's definitely a good thing.

Skinnyboneylittlepony · 20/04/2018 21:45

Your DS knows he'll miss him because it's going to be something that is taken from him.

He has no idea how much he'll miss his home and you, because it's always "there", it's something that he hasn't realised he has.

This.

X has prioritised his adventure over his child’s stability.

Also the usual offering something unrealistic so the resident parent is the bad guy. ‘Well son, I would have got you a puppy but your mum insists a flat where no one is at home from 8-6 won’t work. Your mum said you can’t have a puppy. I would have let you.

‘I would have taken you on my adventure and arranged childcare and school, a 2 bed instead of a studio, not being able to go out clubbing or have one night stands. Separate you from your siblings, mother and everyone you know... I would have brought you to Spain but your mum said no.

Ginger1982 · 20/04/2018 22:11

Kikibo life is too short to hold back just because you have kids here? Wow.

Dozer · 20/04/2018 22:17

Why the hell would you even consider suggesting that your DS go?!

Crazy.

DonutWorryBeHappy · 20/04/2018 22:20

A 7 year old is too young to be making this sort of decision. It's too much pressure to basically be choosing which parent he wants to live with.

I think some people give their young kids far too much credit for making touch decisions when they mentally can't cope.

Incredulousme · 21/04/2018 00:54

It looks as though the dad bashers on here have worked their magic and the OP has gone from thinking her ex a great dad to him being irresponsible for leaving. So not only will she not give DS the experience she admits would be good for him, but now even the thought of letting him go to Spain for the holidays is only a 'consideration' or a 'maybe'

The sad fact is that every single person here would be giving totally different advice if it were the mother going to Spain.

People who say "do you not like your children'? to the posters who have said "let him go" I think you should consider that as parents we strive to give our children opportunities in life and not hold on to them for our own selfish reasons because we will miss them too much etc etc

Notevilstepmother · 21/04/2018 01:22

I don’t think it’s dad bashing, if it was the other way round I’d say the mum shouldn’t take a child away from siblings and dad.

Tell ex if he wants to go then he should, but contact will be holiday times and Skype or FaceTime.

Puffycat · 21/04/2018 01:32

NO NO NO NO NO NO ............AND ERM..........NOOOOOOOO

Lweji · 21/04/2018 01:36

Definitely don't allow your child to move from the country.

Lweji · 21/04/2018 01:39

The sad fact is that every single person here would be giving totally different advice if it were the mother going to Spain.

Actually, no. I've advised women not to go, particularly if not for a very strong reason.

Mylittleboopeep · 21/04/2018 02:14

Anyone would think this dad is a danger to his DS the way mumsnet have denounced him as selfish, going off on a jolly, uncaring, may refuse to return him etc.

How dare he even think of having a life because he has kids, how dare he have dreams. Parents can't have dreams....god no! He must live on his exes doorstep and be the dutiful dad.

Have actually read the words "follow your dreams OP, take your dream job" but for a dad, no such send off

Someone throw this man in prison for wanting to do something different.

Why is he going to Spain you demand. Why indeed? This is the OP's second broken relationship as she has older DC with different man. How do we know what caused the split.

Go on MNERS I bet you already have him down as a wife beating cheat.

Let your boy go OP because both he and your ex will hold it against you one day for stopping their adventure. You are depriving two people of the chance of a lifetime for your own selfish reasons.

ashbah1980 · 21/04/2018 02:25

My ex lives in Ireland.

He catches a overnight ferry home on a Friday night once a month and stays with his parents until the Sunday and goes home. Kids stay with him from around lunch time on the Saturday until Sunday evening. Spend 5 nights with him over half term and half other holidays and we alternate Christmas. No chance of me not seeing my kids on their birthday so he comes over if he can.

Flights from Spain return can be brought for under £100. I'm sure if he budgeted he could come and see his DC once or twice a month if he's that arsed

Obi1Kenobi · 21/04/2018 02:35

My head screams no but my heart says wow what an adventure. Why not? Get a damn decent solicitor to write up a custody agreement between you and your partner for that 1 year and then make sure it’s also recognised by the Spanish judicial system otherwise you may never get your son back.

corythatwas · 21/04/2018 02:42

I am a mother and I don't for a moment think dh would have let me take one of our children out of the country for a year, away from their sibling and away from me, without putting up a bloody good fight- and quite right too! To me, a good parent is one that strives to keep things as normal and easy as possible for the children post divorce, even if that does mean giving up on their own dreams.

As for becoming fluent in another language- how long do people think that fluency will last once he is back home if there is no mechanism for retaining the language? If he ever does come home, that is; as other posters have pointed out, it will be much harder to ensure he does after he has been resident in another country for a year.

Mylittleboopeep · 21/04/2018 02:56

Ashbah

No chance of you not seeing your kids on their birthday, but it's perfectly ok for their dad not to see them if he can't get over.

Mumsnet is full of double standards. A child's place is with his mother, mother must come first unless she want to return to work FT and then she expects dad to do equal child care. Only equal when it suits though eh

Full of hypocrites

ashbah1980 · 21/04/2018 03:05

Not hypocritical at all. His choice to move, not mine or the DCs. Therefore his problem to find a way to see his DC on their birthday. Wouldn't have a problem with say spending the morning with them and then he paying for them to fly over to spend the rest of the day with him- not at all. But it was his choice to move.

Original poster
Digestivescusturds · 21/04/2018 03:11

@Incredulousme I do still think he’s a great dad, maybe not the greatest decision as a parent but I understand why he wants this. Yes part of the reason I don’t want him to go is for selfish reasons because he’s my child, I’ve been almost always been by his side or not too far away for the past 7 years although many people have said Spain isn’t that far away it feels like worlds away compared to the other side of town at his dad’s house. Even though I completely trust his dad to look after him I do worry about something happening and not being there to protect him. Yet another part of me really wants him to go, have this amazing experience. This is why I keep thinking I’ve made up my mind and then changing it again because I know whatever decision I make I’m probably not going to be completely happy with it

OP posts:
Original poster
Digestivescusturds · 21/04/2018 03:23

Why is he going to Spain you demand. Why indeed? This is the OP's second broken relationship as she has older DC with different man. How do we know what caused the split.
Wow slightly rude. Yeah understandably you don’t know but are you trying to say he could be moving to Spain to get away from me? Because I’ve had two relationships end? I’m sure plenty of people have been in more than one relationship in their adult life

OP posts: