To not want my 7 year old to move to another country with his dad

[Digestivescusturds]

My ex husband has always been a bit adventurous...and a bit mental if you ask me. In August he plans to move to Spain, not permanently, just for a year. He told me and DC a few months ago. DS1 is very upset about the thought of not seeing his dad for a year and wants to go with him. There’s no way that’s happening but ex said a few weeks ago maybe he could. A few days he told me this could happen if DS really wanted to and I said yes. There’s plenty of schools in the area apparently. He’s a great dad, since we broke up last year he’s had them at weekends, comes to see them most days really. Of course he would be perfectly capable of looking after his son. But he’s only 7, I don’t like the thought of him being so far away from home, I don’t like the thought of being away from him for so long. Going to a school where they speak a different language, it would be harder for him to learn or make friends. I’ve told both of them there’s no way this is happening, I just want other people’s opinion on whether I’m doing the right thing

[BertieBotts]

Yes, I have a 9yo, so I do remember 7yo well and I am not saying it wouldn't be hard.

[Trinity66]

Yes, I have a 9yo, so I do remember 7yo well and I am not saying it wouldn't be hard.

Fair enough. Mine are 14 and almost 18 now but there's no way in the world I would have ever spent a year apart from them at that age, not a chance in hell

[SnorkFavour]

Spanish schools put UK schools to shame, as does their healthcare. I'd rather give my child the experience of a lifetime and bonding opportunity with his Dad than worry about 'uprooting him from UK education'

It's funny how that doesn't translate into GDP isn't it? Spain ranks below us per capita in every chart, the IMF, the World Bank and the United Nations. There are also 2 Spanish families (3 of the parents are Spanish, one is Portuguese) in my childrens school who are here because, in their eyes, the education is preferred. Also, although they all love their home countries, they all 4 prefer living here, even though most of their families are in Spain/Portugal. But, hey, lets bash the UK again

OP, I wouldn't let him go in case he never returns. And I would say the same if you were the one leaving for Spain. His father has decided to go away, why should you run the risk of losing your son entirely because of that? It does happen, read Jellycats post.

It's completely unfair on you, parents are people too and you're not the game changer here :(

[Trinity66]

His father has decided to go away, why should you run the risk of losing your son entirely because of that?

And this is the key point, the father is choosing to leave his kids, the mother isn't and should not be forced to let him leave her and separate him from her other children

[ConciseandNice]

Wow, there’s an awful lot of hyperbole here from people who haven’t spent time away from their kids. When my son was 7 he went to live with his father in Switzerland because u was studying in China and I thought it a great opportunity for him to a) spend time with dad b) learn fluent French c) grow confidence and cultural knowledge. It did all those things. Yes I missed him like a agony, but it was an amazing opportunity. It’s SPAIN! Why would you not see him for a year. It’s really cheap to get to Spain. It’s next door. You could go over every month. I think it’s a fabulous opportunity and missing school here? It ain’t all that, it really isn’t. My son is now an adult, well-educated, multi-lingual and well adapted.

[19lottie82]

God no! Wow!

[19lottie82]

No way is a 7 year old mature enough to grasp the full implications of moving to a foreign country, where he can’t speak the language.

[Ginger1982]

Wow concise, you were in China and your son was in Switzerland? I could never be happy with that arrangement but each to their own.

[TatianaLarina]

I think some children adapt well and some really flounder it depends on the child.

He could learn the language in a year but he would have lost a year speaking English and he would lose a lot of the Spanish once he came back to the UK and wasn’t using it regularly. If he goes to an international school and speaks English with his dad he won’t pick up a huge amount of Spanish. (Think of all the ex pats who’ve been there years and can only muster a few phrases).

I don’t really see why DH’s whim to try Spain should result in breaking up the family unit, I think he should be less selfish and stick around for his kids.

Much better compromise is simply to send him for the whole holidays if he wants to go.

[bridgetoc]

No chance, and your stupid to even consider it.

Same goes for a mother who wants to move abroad with their child and in doing so takes said child away from a good father.

A friend of mine did just that and the heartbreak it caused has never been repaired.

[Trinity66]

Wow concise, you were in China and your son was in Switzerland? I could never be happy with that arrangement but each to their own.

I know right? but hyperbole I guess? No way in the world I'd be without my kids at that age for a year but yeah each to their own

[Llanali]

@bertiebotts and @conciseandnice

I agree. I’d certainly consider it seriously. What indication is there that the father would jeep the child “forever”?

Yes @trinity66
I do have children. Slightly younger than this child but not much.

[Motoko]

To those thinking this is a good idea, have you missed that this child is not an only child? He has an older sister (different dad) and a 2 year old brother (same dad).

If he went for a year, his little brother won't know who he is when he gets back. It will completely change their relationship.

And why should the older brother get this opportunity, but not the younger one?

[dany174]

@Motoko the boy would still come back during holidays, it's not like he is gone all year. Four months in a row max. And there is such a thing as Skype nowadays, the siblings can see and speak to each other like that.

Also the youngest is 2, he gains very little from moving with his father for a year and who knows what opportunities come his way in a few years.

My father and his sister both went to seperate boarding schools, their younger sister didn't. They could only communicate by mail and only saw each other during summer break. They all have a very loving relationship with each other.

BTW I'm not saying the mother should say yes, just that I wouldn't take the sibling relationship as a deal breaker.

[LiteraryDevil]

Do some people not like their children very much??

[Llanali]

No, but some people are more ready to consider the potential benefits to a child of a certain situation over their own possessive feelings.

That isn’t aimed at this situation specifically, but in general. People often say things like “don’t you like your kids” as a guilt trip to the parent who opts to travel or work away etc.

[LiteraryDevil]

I just wonder why some people have children if they are too busy working and doing other stuff to actually spend time with them.

[Bluesmartiesarebest]

A great dad wouldn’t move to live in a different country from their children and would definitely not expect a 7 year old to live apart from his siblings for a whole year. He sounds like an unreliable dreamer to me rather than a steady, sensible parent.

Tell your DS that he will be able to visit his father and Skype, phone etc on a regular basis but he isn’t going to live with his dad. You did the right thing to say no.

[Willitbe]

Trinity66 - you asked whether those saying yes have children, well yes I have three, my middle child, begged me to let her go on an cultural exchange, she went age 10 to Spain for six months, and enjoyed it so much that she went to Germany age 12 for 4 months. Within a month of each exchange she was speaking fluently, and attended secondary schools in both countries as soon as she got there, even though not able to speak a word of the language before leaving. Some children are just little explorers and love meeting people, learning languages and new cultural experiences. Yes we missed her so much, she had some home-sickness in Spain initially, but it was ok, and she wanted to stay. This is why I suggest the OP finds out what her child wants, and weighs up all the pros and cons. Dismissing it just because you will miss your child too much is not a great reason to deny them an experience of a lifetime (if fact rather than madness it could be thought of as selfish!)

As for sibling and mother/child relationships being broken - wow, if the relationships are that frail that they can't be maintained through regular contact! Parents have to go away for work, it does not break the bond just because they are away for a short time. My two other children built a closer bond while the middle child was not there, but their bond with their sister while she was away was not broken, they are closer than ever. Their sister has had an experience that she tells them about, an experience that neither of them would want to do for themselves, but love hearing about, and seeing pictures. They are not jealous of her doing it as they don't have the personality that would want to do such a thing. But the OP if she does start to consider if it is a possibility, then should check in with her older daughter to make sure that jealousy is not an issue there, and that perhaps she be given the opportunity of a holiday there if she wanted it? Really each family to there own, but again, I do think that saying no simply because you would miss them, is a bit of a shame. (I am not saying that this is what the OP is suggesting, just what other posters seem to be implying)

[Chocolala]

willitbe did you do en famille? Would you recommend going through them?

[HeedMove]

I’d say yes. I think the only thing that would make me say no would be selfish reasons. His dads just as much a parent and as capable as you. It would be a great adventure and he’s still so young it’s only a year he could catch up if he falls behind at school.

[BrendasUmbrella]

I think you have a really good hands on father here

Tell that to his two year old son...

[bridgetoc]

Tell that to his two year old son...

Exactly........ This man is willing to leave his kids behind for his own selfish reasons. A good father? Not in my eyes........ My DH is a good father, and he would never leave his kids. Never.........

[Nanny0gg]

Why would you not see him for a year. It’s really cheap to get to Spain. It’s next door. You could go over every month

Only on Mumsnet. Not everyone can afford flights for three to Spain every month, assuming that the Ex could put them up.

And as to the poster who suggested the OP could go too...words fail me!

[Digestivescusturds]

@autumnleaf1 amicable maybe but still, we broke up for a reason and I’m not about to leave the country with him. I’d love to pack up and leave, take a year off work but it’s not that simple unfortunately