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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want my 7 year old to move to another country with his dad

165 replies

Digestivescusturds · 20/04/2018 10:24

My ex husband has always been a bit adventurous...and a bit mental if you ask me. In August he plans to move to Spain, not permanently, just for a year. He told me and DC a few months ago. DS1 is very upset about the thought of not seeing his dad for a year and wants to go with him. There’s no way that’s happening but ex said a few weeks ago maybe he could. A few days he told me this could happen if DS really wanted to and I said yes. There’s plenty of schools in the area apparently. He’s a great dad, since we broke up last year he’s had them at weekends, comes to see them most days really. Of course he would be perfectly capable of looking after his son. But he’s only 7, I don’t like the thought of him being so far away from home, I don’t like the thought of being away from him for so long. Going to a school where they speak a different language, it would be harder for him to learn or make friends. I’ve told both of them there’s no way this is happening, I just want other people’s opinion on whether I’m doing the right thing

OP posts:

Trinity66 · 20/04/2018 12:27

*I'm not sure you can put your foot down and stop them. DO you have shared custody. Is it court arrangement or informally between you?

I know it will be hard on you but if that's what your DS wants to do, let him. He is your EXH's son too.*

of course she can put her foot down, it's the ex wanting to move not her, likewise he'd be able to put his foot down if she wanted to take their son out of school and the country his father lived in.........

There is no way in the world I would ever consider leaving the country for a year and leave my 7 year old behind but the dad is willing to do it with or without the son, what does that say about how great a dad he is?

sadie9 · 20/04/2018 12:32

If you exDH is such a great Dad and sees the kids most days, why is he moving to Spain for a year? Sounds like he wants a year off his responsiblities, or to escape from being himself for a year? Lucky him having the freedom to just take a year off from being a parent and to hell with the rest of you. Does he know anyone in Spain? Why Spain?
I wouldn't let my son go with him. Your exH can go off and find himself and then decide about sending kids over to him. Chances are your ExH might decide he absolutely hates it in Spain and decides to come back after 3 months.

AskBasil · 20/04/2018 12:35

No.
Your DS knows he'll miss him because it's going to be something that is taken from him.

He has no idea how much he'll miss his home and you, because it's always "there", it's something that he hasn't realised he has.

Just don't. It's basically you giving up residence with your DS. Life has a momentum of its own that you can't predict. You think it may be for a year. If you do it, you have to accept that it may be for the whole of his childhood.

speakout · 20/04/2018 12:38

Your ex is not a great dad.

He is proposing to remove you from his child's life on a day to day level for a year.

That will have a significant and possibly permanent impact on the relationship you have with him.

He is not a good father if he plans to put the obstacle of such a distance into the mix.

MuddlingMackem · 20/04/2018 12:40

YANBU, anyway. But even if you were willing to let him go, on a purely practical level, even if his dad could be trusted to return him after a year, would his school place still be available? It totally depends on where you live, but I can't see most people being willing to lose a school place, it's a big risk to take.

speakout · 20/04/2018 12:41

AskBasil I agree.

This child may miss the OP a good deal in the year- but the chances are he will settle down, start to lean a new language and possible thrive in Spain.

Then what? Your ex may want that to be permanent- your son has found a new "normal".

How would you fight that?
Because no court will grant you residency back to the UK if he is settled, happy and thriving with his father in Spain.

AnnieAnoniMouser · 20/04/2018 12:43

Hang on. I just typed all of that (underneath) but it’s dawned on me that he is DS one, I just checked and you said kids. So this would mean the kids being separated as well. What’s the situation with your other kids!?

I think it would be a fabulous opportunity for DS. 7 is a great age to go into a local school and become fluent in another language, quickly.

Either way, from HIS point of view, he’s largely going to be without one of his parents. His Dad sees him most days, so doesn’t seem too feckless. Though I’m a bit concerned he’d go with or without him, so in reality what is he really like with DS?

However, selfishly, I’d refuse because I would miss him too much and I’d be worried about them deciding to stay longer than a year. I’d feel very selfish and not too good about myself, but it’s not a risk I’d be prepared to take. I would, however, give serious consideration to going as well if it could be sorted amicably with exDH.

Juells · 20/04/2018 12:44

I think people are being a bit unfair on the dad. He wants to go to Spain, the OP doesn't. If the OP wanted to move to Spain we might think it was unfair for her to be trapped in UK just because her ex didn't want to move. Flights are cheap, he can fly home quite often to see the children. Wouldn't dream of uprooting a 7-year-old, but equally wouldn't want to control my ex's life and say he's a shit dad if he wants to go abroad.

Trinity66 · 20/04/2018 12:52

Wouldn't dream of uprooting a 7-year-old, but equally wouldn't want to control my ex's life and say he's a shit dad if he wants to go abroad.

No one suggested that she should make the dad stay and neither has she. From my point of view though when my kids were that young the thought of moving away from my children for a year would be the most horrific thing I could imagine, I just don't understand how a parent of a young child could do that but I guess everyone is different

AskBasil · 20/04/2018 12:56

Oh I've just realised, he has siblings.

So he'd be parted from them as well?

Again, he has no idea how much he'd miss them.

And if he did settle down, it would change his relationship with them forever, with implications long into adulthood

Jenasaurus · 20/04/2018 12:59

If he is going for just a year then it will be more disruptive to his son going with him. He will settle in the new school and then in a years time have to settle again at another school. Surely a better alternative would be for your Ex to have him in school holidays and occasional weekends

Chocolala · 20/04/2018 13:03

I’d look into it and might let a 7 year old go. Would depend on location, housing, whether there were relevant extracurriculars etc. But I would seriously consider it as there could be serious benefits (esp if you send to a Spanish speaking school).

PineappleYum · 20/04/2018 13:04

Because no court will grant you residency back to the UK if he is settled, happy and thriving with his father in Spain.

Do you know how Spanish courts work?

He might love it, he might hate it. I do feel it's a better life here (which is why we have been her 10+ years and taken nationality) especially for children. It takes 10 years of residency to apply for citizenship though.

Flights are crazy cheap, some people even live here and work in the UK commuting back and forth, it's not difficult.

How many other children do you have OP, and what ages are they?

Incredulousme · 20/04/2018 13:07

I can't believe there are people on here who are actually telling the OP her ex isn't a good dad. This is despite her telling us in her post "he is a great dad"

How can any of us possibly judge this man unless we personally know him, which I assume no one does. Are we suggesting to the OP that we know better than she knows herself?

For someone to say "well he isn't that much of a great dad, deciding to clear off to Spain and take a year's break from parenting"

He didn't want a year off parenting that is the point, he wants to take his DS with him.

Someone else said "he doesn't seem too feckless" Why would he be feckless? Is this simply because he's a dad?

Honestly I feel sorry for dads. I do believe they are damned if they do and damned if they don't.

This guy has gone from being thought of as a good loving "great dad" by his ex and has suddenly become a selfish, uncaring poor father who doesn't give a damn about anyone other than himself.

Why are we so anti dad on here?

TheCraicDealer · 20/04/2018 13:07

Quite aside from anything else, I don’t think the exDH is thinking about how different this year long “experience” will be with a child in tow. He’ll hardly be able to immerse himself in this new adventure/continental lifestyle with a 7 year old to care for; presumably he will have no support network to rely on to help deal with sickness, school drop offs, homework, babysitting, and just the general day to day grind of looking after a young child. I think you’d be doing him a favour by being the adult here and saying “no” tbh.

I would also not wish to progress any scenario where he might become more detached from his siblings (you mention DC in your OP, I assume that’s plural) or suggest there’s any favouritism. Him joining his dad would create division; a year is a long time for any young child and I wouldn’t separate them for that long unless I had bloody good reason.

Better all round that all the children go for extended holidays at Half Term and over the summer, and he nips home for Xmas and a weekend or two between those trips. If you book the flights far enough ahead it can be done very economically.

Chocolala · 20/04/2018 13:10

Or maybe he could just hire someone to help with school drop offs and the like, like other people parenting on their own.

Yes, he’ll have a different experience from one where he is there alone - but maybe he’s actually a good parent and perfectly happy with that. Having kids in tow doesn’t make travel automatically bad.

Xmasbaby11 · 20/04/2018 13:12

No way. You're the main parent in terms of who he lives with. I wouldn't give that up.

Plenty of holidays there and opportunities to see his dad though.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 20/04/2018 13:15

As with lots of things in life, sadly you can't always do what you want, when you want, when you have children. What your ex wants is an adventure abroad, he's not doing it for a one-time chance of work or to support an ill relative, he fancies a chance of scene for a year. If you want to have regularly contact with your children, you need to stay local or make significant personal effort to do so.

I think it would be fair enough if he was asking to have your 7yo during lots of the school holidays, that's a reasonable ask. However, has he thought how you would see your son if he lived with him and how upsetting/disruptive it would be to your other children?

PurpleCrazyHorse · 20/04/2018 13:16

sorry for all the typos, up all night with DS

Original poster

Digestivescusturds · 20/04/2018 13:18

I have three children, DD who is 11, DS1 is 7 and DS2 is 2. DD has a different dad to my youngest two

OP posts:

SeeKnievelHitThe17thBus · 20/04/2018 13:20

OP, you haven't said what your ex is hoping to do and for me that would be the thing. If he is going to do a pre-arranged job with set hours to x number of weeks, you know your son can do school and childcare and fit around that. If your dad is going to help him mate run a bar, and maybe rent out mopeds to tourists and other ephermeral "stuff that pays the rent" he'd struggle to be available for your son in non-school hours, evenings etc.

Can you take your DS to Spain in half term, so he knows what it's like, can have a go at learning a few words of Spanish and then speak to his dad about this? If I asked my son if he wanted to move to a warm place that he associates with holidays and swimming pools he'd jump at it, but he'd presume it was a long holiday and not like his UK day to day life but just in another country.

Sistersofmercy101 · 20/04/2018 13:20

It's a parental responsibility for a parent to look after the emotional health and well-being of the children... If this father is such a "good dad" then should he not be considering the effects of a year long total separation of a child from their siblings and other family and friends?? Sounds to me as if he is being very self centered - he can take this opportunity, enjoy it and not miss the child.
What happens if the child is allowed to do this and returns in a year to irretrievably fractured sibling relationships? - they could well feel abandoned and jealous, not to mention the affect it would have on the mother child relationship - after all OP has been his main carer up until now?
So no. At seven, it is perfectly reasonable for the main carer to step in and protect the child from their own misguided 'decisions'.

SeeKnievelHitThe17thBus · 20/04/2018 13:21

OP, what's your ex's view on splitting up DS and his younger brother? Doesn't he have a view on taking them both / neither?

Sammy901 · 20/04/2018 13:22

No I wouldn’t allow it but I would let him go over ever school holiday and maybe some weekends if there was cheap flights online

Sammy901 · 20/04/2018 13:22

I also agree he would need to take both not just one as well. He can’t split up the siblings

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